Wifes jealousy is constantly on my mind

[tac719]

My wife can be extremely jealous. Now I can't stop thinking what life would be like apart and I hate it. I sit and think what it would be like to be single and not have to worry about her jealousies. At the same time I love her very much and it is tearing me up inside. This whole holiday season I've been in a funk or at least in the doldrums because I can't figure what will make me happy.

 

We always have to do things together, which I understand is a good thing in marriage, but I've never since we were married gone out with a friend to go fishing or play a round of golf. She feels like she needs to be there and if I were to have fun it wouldn't be fair. She has friends, but constantly comes up with reasons why they get on her nerves and can't go out and do things with them. So I've gotten to the point where I don't contact my old friends anymore. Resentment again.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not being strong enough as a person and when I feel her jealousy and temper rear up I need to take a stronger stance instead of letting it run my life. Maybe I've let her control things to much and have become very resentful of it. That would make it partly my fault to. Right? How do you stand up to a spouse within means, when you feel like your personal freedoms are being violated without totally jeopardizing the marriage. I've always felt if she were not such a jealous person we would have the perfect marriage. She's beautiful, outgoing, extremely intelligent and we both enjoy the outdoors. But it always seems like it her way or the highway.

 

We haven't been intimate in 3 months and I miss that very much too. For some reason she says she's scared of getting pregnant (but that was never an issue before) or she doesn't feel good or to tired. But at the same times complains that I don't try enough. She says would like to start trying to conceive this summer, but now I'm kinda wavering on this issue because of my feelings.

 

I just want to be happy. Preferably with her.

[Errol]

Jealousy can destroy a marriage. If this is something new then there may be a medical problem. If its been building slowly then she may need some other help - as in therapy.

 

If there is ANY reason whatsoever for her to have concerns about your fidelity - then you both need to go to counseling together.

 

Also, we read that old stand-by Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and it honestly was very helpful.

 

Have a heart to heart talk with her - print out your post and give it to her, so that she sees the seriousness of the situation. And don't have any kids until you get this resolved.

[anbush]

Hey,

I know how you wife feels. I do the EXACT same thing to my husband. And I know I drive him nuts. But I dont know how to stop. I get jealous for nothing! My husbands best friend lives right next door and he will go over there for a few hours (or more), and I lose it! I cry, throw a fit. I would just sit down and talk to her, my husband has done that a few times, and it helps. I think that if you keep reassuring her that everything will be ok, and you love her and will never cheat on her or leave her, she will be fine. Keep me posted on how the progress is going. I feel bad for you because I "know" how you are feeling. I see my husband feeling the same way as you described and it sucks. But like your wife, we have insecurities and need to be reassured.

 

Since I am posting on here...Does anyone have any advice for me? I think half my problem is that every relationship I have ever had has ended it infedelity. And now, I am afraid it will happen in this one too. Which is retarded because he married ME right? Also, I moved 600 miles from my home to live when him when we got married. And I dont know anyone here. I have no friends yet, and I guess I get jealous when he hangs out with his friend and leaves me at home. (even when he is just next door, which is where he always is), Let me know if you have any advice PLEASE!

 

Thanks!

Amy

[Thinkalot]

Please read some of my posts ,as they may help you. I have suffered problems too. I have just put something in the self improvement section. Get counselling if you are able to, or read books and build up your own self esteem to a point where you feel more confident and your jealousy subsides. Focus on taking time for yourself when your husband is away from you, so it becomes a positive time for you, rather than a negative one.

[gecolon]

I too used to do the same thing. I, like your wife was making my man pay for someonelse's past sins. What happend? He decided he was going to do things with his friends on occasion. Of course I fought him like hell, but he held his ground, and would say as long as I'm not doing anything bad, I refuse to let you make me feel guilty. I would say that I was going to leave if he went out, or I was going to do this or that (trying to control him), but he held his ground, and forced me to deal with my own insecurities. I can now say our relationship is stronger. He has proved that he is trust worthy, and I respect him more (I won't ever tell him that though). I also went to a therapist to deal with all those old demons, and got some Zoloft (wonderful stuff). Now that I'm not so damn needy, he is more interested in being around me. Reading your post, I felt as if I was reading a post that could have been written by him. Believe me she doesn't have a clue (cause I didn't). So if you want to go to a game, go bowling, go to a sports bar, play a round of gold, go fishing etc. then do it. As long as you give her the control she isn't going to let you have your way ,and why would she? She is petrified that if she doesn't watch you 24/7 you will cheat. So make sure you don't and prove her wrong. It is going to be rough, but you already aren't getting any, and you can't go no where, so what do you have to loose. If she leaves cuz you went fishing then it was going to happen sooner or later anyway. Plus if you start doing things now, it will put off her having the baby until you guys compromise on the power struggle thing. so basically fight for what you believe in and stand by it.

[tac719]

Originally posted by gecolon

I too used to do the same thing. I, like your wife was making my man pay for someonelse's past sins. What happend? He decided he was going to do things with his friends on occasion. Of course I fought him like hell, but he held his ground, and would say as long as I'm not doing anything bad, I refuse to let you make me feel guilty. I would say that I was going to leave if he went out, or I was going to do this or that (trying to control him), but he held his ground, and forced me to deal with my own insecurities. I can now say our relationship is stronger. He has proved that he is trust worthy, and I respect him more (I won't ever tell him that though). I also went to a therapist to deal with all those old demons, and got some Zoloft (wonderful stuff). Now that I'm not so damn needy, he is more interested in being around me. Reading your post, I felt as if I was reading a post that could have been written by him. Believe me she doesn't have a clue (cause I didn't). So if you want to go to a game, go bowling, go to a sports bar, play a round of gold, go fishing etc. then do it. As long as you give her the control she isn't going to let you have your way ,and why would she? She is petrified that if she doesn't watch you 24/7 you will cheat. So make sure you don't and prove her wrong. It is going to be rough, but you already aren't getting any, and you can't go no where, so what do you have to loose. If she leaves cuz you went fishing then it was going to happen sooner or later anyway. Plus if you start doing things now, it will put off her having the baby until you guys compromise on the power struggle thing. so basically fight for what you believe in and stand by it.

Great reply! I'm not sure what I've been afraid of. She can't go anywhere and I'm not doing anything wrong. The guilt is really hard to deal with more than anything I think. I guess I'm afraid of losing her and the conflict involved. I read an interesting responce on another forum that talked about setting boundaries within the relationship. I believe that is what your man was doing. Any ideas on how to deal with conflict. My wife to prove a point WOULD throw my clothes out in the yard.

[SoleMate]

We always have to do things together, which I understand is a good thing in marriage, but I've never since we were married gone out with a friend to go fishing or play a round of golf.

Doing things together is definitely important, but not doing EVERYTHING together. I strongly recommend that you both have your separate activities, with the girls or guys as appropriate. Does your wife have a pack of girlfriends? (Sounds like not.) Could you help her develop some outside interests?

 

You folks need counseling big time. Your problems are serious, and if they go untended they may in fact be fatal to your marriage, but I actually think you have a lot going for you if you can only work out her clinginess and jealousy. PLEASE try couples counselling, preferably based on the work of John Gottman. And/or check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com. It's got great, practical ideas for putting fun back in your marriage and making sure that both parties are getting what they both want, be it security, sex, fun, adventure, relaxation, whatever.

 

We haven't been intimate in 3 months and I miss that very much too. For some reason she says she's scared of getting pregnant (but that was never an issue before) or she doesn't feel good or to tired.

Right. You're both feeling bad - angry, scared, resentful, panicked, hopeless. This undermines the desire as you have noticed.

 

Good luck, don't let your marriage be another casualty without fighting to save what's good in it.

[gecolon]

What are you afraid of? You are afraid of hurting someone you really love. You are a guy who made a conscious decison to strive to be a good guy. If you see hurt in her eyes then you aren't being the good guy you really want to be, and you feel like a heel/heal. But dude you have to love youself. We are all brought up to believe in this selfless love, but that can't last for the duration. How long can a person put someonelse first w/out thinking "How come I never come first?" How long can a guy stay in a relationship where he can't breath, where he feels he is under the gun? If you want to be in a happy relationship you have to be happy with your self. If you are letting some else control you, then you aren't happy. So then the next question is how long can you last?

 

You are so right she probably will throw your clothes out. I did, and my man picked up what he wanted/needed. Stored the things he didn't need at his mom's, and kept his work clothes locked in his car. I went and picked up the other things cuz I didn't want my neighbors to know exactly how crazy I am Then I hounded him with "when are you going to bring your things back in?" His reply " For what so I can come home and find my shyt outside in the dirt?" Then that lead to me saying "What are you planning on leaving?" Basically he couldn't win if he didn't give in. I don't know how he put up with me (I say that now). I guess I didn't give him much air to breath. He would come home from work, go down to his space in the basement, and not come up until the news came on. Of course I would b!tch "Why are you downstairs all the time?" "You need to spend time with me and the kids". " Blah Blah Blah. The Turning point: I guess he decided he didn't want to leave, that he loved me, but he deserved to have some down time. He must have felt so strongly that he decided he was going to hold his ground cuz he was right. And that is what he did. I threw things, I held out on sex, I cried to try and give him a guilt complex, I stopped cooking, I slept at the bottom of the bed, I slept in the livingroom (I told him to go sleep on the couch once. He rolled over and said "yeah right"), I avoided eye contact with him etc. I told him to get out and he said no. He said if you are so miserable then you leave (yeah I'm going to leave all my stuff behind, and start over with just me and the kids). He said "are you going to leave me cuz I go out w/ my friends sometime? If you would leave me over that then maybe you don't love "me" the way you say you do. All I know is that I'm not going anywhere." So I guess I had to deal cuz I wasn't going to give up our relationship over that. Yeah I used that to try and controll him, but the whole thing is I didn't want to loose him, so why would I really end it just because he is exuding some authority.

 

Now here is what you got going for you. She obviously loves you very much and is so spooked about loosing you that she is in mother bear mode. You probably have treated her better than anyone esle that she has been with. So she knows you are a good thing and she doesn't want you to change. You are going to have to pick up the ball on this one. No one in power relinquishes (sp?) power with out a struggle. So you have to be prepared to fight. It is going to happen, and fighting isn't really a bad thing (unless you end up black and blue). If not what's going to happen? You will resent her so much that you will convince your self that it is her way or the highway, and you will start to drift, and eventually leave cuz you will become so unhappy. Both with yourself for not sticking up for your self and with her for being selfish/needy/insecure.

 

I like your wife don't have many people that I would call friends or people that I would like to spend my free time with . But I have come to love my alone time. I painted my room a relaxing lavender color, and created a space just for me (well, he can sleep and have sex in here) If he is out with his friends, and I want to go do something special with the kids I do, if I want to go try a new exotic restaurant that I know he would never go to I do. If he is downstairs in the basement, I have the rule of the house upstairs. I get to watch what I want on TV with out compromising, I can light my candles and listen to old corny music, I can go on a beauty campaign. Now, he is always up in my space, wanting to be around . Now that I want my space he wants to be in it more. I do know our relationship is all the better, because of that year we spent playing tug o war. I know that I don't have to be the boss. I respect him more, because he respects himself more. We worked through a lot of issues cuz in the end it wasn't just about him spending time with his friends. It was about updating our relationship, communicating our needs , listening and hearing what the other person was saying. If she would like somene to speak to that has been where she is tell her she can email me.