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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

 
 
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Old 5th January 2004, 5:44 PM   #46
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Samson wrote: Every day I feel more like a slave, making a living that allows her to maintain a steady supply of bon-bons consumed while watching Oprah, several soap operas, and something called Regis and Kelly, going to the health spa, and occasionally changing a diaper.
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Samson wrote: How's about I stay at home and hold down the Fort while 9 & 7 year olds are in school all day and 2 year old watches Barney? I could really use this stress relieving early retiement plan!!!
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Samson wrote: after being at home with three kids this past summer I have no illusuions that it is easy. However, I'll make the sacrifices necessary to work AND parent. This isn't all that heroic. Many others have learned to cope with this and successfully balance work and family.

hmmmmm Samson.... is there a possibility that you are jealous because she gets to stay at home while you work?.... Not being condascending either, I truly believe you just may be extremely jealous and resentful because she has to stay at home and you dont.
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Old 5th January 2004, 5:46 PM   #47
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Yes gender is in there somewhere but I think it is more in the lack of charity to each others roles.
Well put, meanon. No one likes to be perceived as playing a devalued or worthless ole. I suspect that Samson's wife honestly believes she can play a more valuable and important role in the family as a homemaker. Samson disagrees with his wife's valuation of her role --as homemaker --and wants his wife to play a role that he values above all else--wage earner.

I do believe that devaluing homemaking and child rearing --as compared to wage earning--can raise gender issues. Samson has not stated that his wife is a lazy homemaker. He states that the the homemaking role she insists on playing--a role predominately performed by women-- is worth less than a wage earning position. This implicit devaluation of housework and child rearing does raise gender issues that many posters, who elected not to go down the clinical path, were justifiably sensitive to.

No harm in that.
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Old 5th January 2004, 5:51 PM   #48
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Yes gender is in there somewhere but I think it is more in the lack of charity to each others roles. Many men (my husband included) would sacrifice anything to do what they see as right for the kids and we have agreed it is worth going into debt to get more time at home with them (I now work part time and term time) in these early years.
I agree that many men share your husband's view. My husband was very insistent that I leave my job to be home with our kids. Never mind that I was the chief bread-winner nor that our standard of living took a real hit when I finally did quit. He didn't mind doing without -- I was the one who had a hard time. Not only did I have a lot of my identity wrapped in my professonal life, so I had to rediscover 'me,' but I had major concerns about our financial security. So I started working from home. At this point, the only thing I miss about my former life is being able to go to the bathroom alone...
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Old 5th January 2004, 6:54 PM   #49
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At this point, the only thing I miss about my former life is being able to go to the bathroom alone...
LOL (Samson ... apologies while I digress ....)

Yes on a recent poll my friends and I agreed this was most missed, closely followed by coffee and papers in bed on Sunday. Which gets to you most the physical limitations (child on knee) or questions (best not to expound)? If you get the right age mix you can have both together!!!!
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Old 5th January 2004, 6:58 PM   #50
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If you get the right age mix you can have both together!!!!
Well, I have a pre-teen and a kindergartner, as well as one in the middle, so I think I have it all! ROFL!
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Old 5th January 2004, 7:26 PM   #51
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hmmmmm Samson.... is there a possibility that you are jealous because she gets to stay at home while you work?.... Not being condascending either, I truly believe you just may be extremely jealous and resentful because she has to stay at home and you dont.
I wouldn't characterize myself as "extremely jealous," but also see no reason I could not stay at home, and she work.

Its interesting that you've interpreted that I'm "resentful because she has to stay home" and I don't. in reality, she has unilaterally chosen to stay home in the past, and is planning to do this for the foreseeable future despite anything Imight choose to do.

Wow. A lot to respond to! Thanks to all for your posts. i'm really not looking for, nor am I expecting much sympathy. My main point was to see if any onthers had had similar experiences, and if they had solutions. Some posts have offered these, and other posts have brought very good points to light, and they are all appreciated.

More later...
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Old 5th January 2004, 7:42 PM   #52
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OK, sorry, just returned home from work and had to unload some laundry.

Anyway, moving into cardboard boxes seems to be unrealistic, not to mention unpleasent. I'll take one step at a time, and think checking out organic (thyroid, hormones) potential problems and mental (depression) difficulties is the first step.

There's too much potential for colateral damage to kids to rush into anything.

Another interesting thing i've learned from the post is the schism between male & female attitudes. It seems not much has really changed about the role of men and women in a marriage during the past 100 years despite what the mass media would have us believe!

Additionally, it is interesting to observe that women seem to focus on infidelity (their mate's) as the main (usually only) cause of separation. I view my "evolution" toward separation with my wife as one that has been caused by a thousand cuts, not simply a few. Although i've stated that I've not had an affair, the "thousand cuts" have accumulated to make this a more attractive alternative. presumably, from the posts that have evaluated me baed only on what they've read (or selected to read) on this post, I should have every reason to believe my wife is thinking the same thing!

let's face it, our only best solution will probably be to become really good roomates.
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Old 5th January 2004, 9:18 PM   #53
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i'm really not looking for, nor am I expecting much sympathy
Oh good I can stop feeling guilty then

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Another interesting thing i've learned from the post is the schism between male & female attitudes. It seems not much has really changed about the role of men and women in a marriage during the past 100 years despite what the mass media would have us believe!
I disagree - what a surprise I hear you say Women do most of the childcare so we will be more sensitive to a view that devalues this role but you have heard examples on this thread of men who do not devalue the role. In fact some value it more than the women do - so there is no essential gender difference in attitude there.

There have been enormous changes in the roles of men and women in the last 100 years. I am my husband's equal. I do the household finances. I earn more than him despite working fewer hours (also true for my two closest friends and their husbands). All this pales into insignificance compared to the fact that I am free to choose whether I work or not (as long as my partner and I share key values about what is important in life and do not end up bankrupt).

I suggest you read I Don't Know How She Does It by Alison Pearson - not great literature but a very very funny book that illustrates what life is like for many full time mums with a young family torn between work and home. That's why so many choose the compromise of part time work or working from home. It's like the sexual revolution, when birth control was available and attitudes changed then promiscuity was seen as practically compulsory (I exaggerate but bear with me). Then a generation later the emphasis is much more on individual choice. Certainly many women feel that the myth of "having it all" (full time professional job and family) was just that - a myth. It works for some women (I know of two) - nothing wrong with it at all in my view but I know many more women who know they couldn't cope with the conflicting demands and lack of input into their children's upbringing.

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There's too much potential for colateral damage to kids to rush into anything
Found something we can agree on at last!!!!!!! With that I'll sign off. Good luck Samson.
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Old 5th January 2004, 9:21 PM   #54
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I don't think becoming roomates is a good idea. Not only is it an unhealthy situation for you and your wife, but also confusing and potentially harmful to your children's future relationships. It is never to late to turn a relationship around, so please don't give up samson. I believe the root of the problem lies in you. Talk to a therapist to get the years of anger, hurt and resentment out. Maybe spend a day w/ your wife and kids to see what her day is really like, maybe you will gain a new perspective on her situation? I am not taking your wife's side, but since i do not have her side of the story, i can only direct my attention to things you can do. I would definetely take the advice for your wife to seek treatment as well, and then maybe you both can go to marriage counceling.

talk to your wife like she is your best friend and you are interested in her well-being. Tell her the steps you are taking to improve the situation, and perhaps she will open up and become more sympethetic to your feelings and concerns.

i hope you can find an agreeable resolution that does not involve divorce.
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