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Is my SO supposed to make me feel "special"?

 

SO and I have been together nearly three years. We discuss marriage and even looked at rings a couple of times. We do not live together, but plan on it when a house sells.

 

The past several months I have realized he does not treat me like I am someone "special". We are both our own separate entities. I take care of myself, he takes care of himself. I cannot even lean on him for support.

 

I don't think I am "special" to him. My friends have SO's that are always doing super nice, thoughtful things for them. (Running errands, buying gifts, cooking supper, etc.) I don't have that in my relationship and I am beginning to wonder about its' future. I always cook him supper, pack his lunch, buy surprises I think he would like.

 

Am I wrong to feel that way?

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Toodamnpragmatic
Is my SO supposed to make me feel "special"?

 

SO and I have been together nearly three years. We discuss marriage and even looked at rings a couple of times. We do not live together, but plan on it when a house sells.

 

The past several months I have realized he does not treat me like I am someone "special". We are both our own separate entities. I take care of myself, he takes care of himself. I cannot even lean on him for support.

 

I don't think I am "special" to him. My friends have SO's that are always doing super nice, thoughtful things for them. (Running errands, buying gifts, cooking supper, etc.) I don't have that in my relationship and I am beginning to wonder about its' future. I always cook him supper, pack his lunch, buy surprises I think he would like.

 

Am I wrong to feel that way?

 

Dump him quick.... This guy is no keeper. I expected to read that you have been together for years, living together and NOW he is doing less and less.... I would have then jumped down your throat about this being SO typical of women expecting it all from their "man".....

 

You have no future with him and he will come up with excuses (or you will), but you deserve better.....

 

Get rid of him and quick. Like a bandaid, rip it off.

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You wrote this in your other thread:

Before you agreed to get married, did your SO make you feel like you were someone "special" to him?

 

He wants to get engaged, but I am still totally independent and on my own. He does not treat me like I am someone special. Maybe he thinks putting a ring on my finger will keep me around a little longer.

 

Am I getting cold feet? Am I the commitment-phobe? I am in my 40s, never married, no kids.

 

Being "totally independent and on my own" is at odds with being in a relationship.

 

Nothing wrong with being "totally independent and on my own", but if you choose to live like that then you cannot also expect to be in a romantic relationship or at least one where you feel "special".

 

If you want him to treat you "special" then you need to communicate your needs to him and also not be so independent.

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I am financially "totally independent and on my own".

 

How can that be at odds with being in a relationship and feeling special? I have to be independent - no one else is going to support me.

 

Sorry. I am confused.

Edited by primer
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I am financially "totally independent and on my own".

 

How can that be at odds with being in a relationship and feeling special? I have to be independent - no one else is going to support me.

 

Sorry. I am confused.

 

But you didn't say financially.

you said "he wants to get engaged but I am still totally independent and on my own."

 

If you were talking financially independent it would be

 

"He wants to get engaged but I am still financially totally independent and on my own"

 

and we would be saying "oh, what's wrong with that?" "why the BUT"...

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As for the rest of it - if this guy doesn't do anything to make you feel special, then this is just going to build up and cause resentment.

 

Have you ever brought it up with him? Did you ever say anything like "This may be just me, but I really find a flower once in a while really sweet. I need some romance and some little things to remind me of how awesome you think I really am ;) "

 

If he doesn't get that and doesn't try to meet your needs - cross that bridge when you get to it. But unless you have talked to him about it - he wont know what your needs are.

 

Romance and the extra things come easier to some guys than others.

 

You deserve to be treated with romance and treated like you're someone special to him, but he also deserves to know your needs and have a chance of making them happen.

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Unfortunately, I have brought it up with him. He told me he cannot afford it - which is not true - and besides, I am not asking for monetary things.

 

A few days ago he told me he likes to feel loved (because I am willing to have sex). He said "don't you feel loved?" and I said no. I never heard anymore about it.

 

I think I am supposed to feel loved and special because he wants sex all of the time.

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Unfortunately, I have brought it up with him. He told me he cannot afford it - which is not true - and besides, I am not asking for monetary things.

 

A few days ago he told me he likes to feel loved (because I am willing to have sex). He said "don't you feel loved?" and I said no. I never heard anymore about it.

 

I think I am supposed to feel loved and special because he wants sex all of the time.

 

Guys do feel loved when they are in a committed R and their SO has sex with them.

 

I understand that for us women, as awesome and freaky deaky as the sex is, we still need the little shows of affection. And you're correct, its not about the amount of money spent, its just the little things that matter, I get that.

 

I dunno, I guess the only thing you can do is tell him frankly

"I need x,y,z to be happy in this R. This is a NEED for me. If you can't meet that, its fine, its good to know that now and reevaluate if we should be together"

 

But the thing that confuses me is that he wants to get engaged - marry you. He wants to make a life long commitment to you, he wants to spend money and get you a ring, etc...

 

Maybe you should talk to him and see what it is about getting flowers once in a while, or cooking a meal once in a while that he really has a problem with. Tell him that this is serious, because this is something important to you, and try to get to the bottom of why he's against it.

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Toodamnpragmatic

of the OP. Was loud and clear to me..... Now a 40+ yo, never married, complaining he doesn't have the cash???? Boy you chose a winner......

 

We men are thick and stoopid at times, but we are not morons and imbeciles......:laugh::p;) Yea some of us don't treat Valentines Day as a national holiday and the holiest day of the year, but we know what romance is and how to treat a woman, especially when we are getting sex.....;):p:laugh:

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of the OP. Was loud and clear to me..... Now a 40+ yo, never married, complaining he doesn't have the cash???? Boy you chose a winner......

 

We men are thick and stoopid at times, but we are not morons and imbeciles......:laugh::p;) Yea some of us don't treat Valentines Day as a national holiday and the holiest day of the year, but we know what romance is and how to treat a woman, especially when we are getting sex.....;):p:laugh:

 

He does have the cash. I do his banking for him sometimes. We are open about it. I don't know why he said he cannot afford it. One of the things I like about him is that he is financially responsible.

 

I am not into Valentine's Day or Sweetest Day or any of that either. We made that clear in the beginning - don't buy me anything for VD and I won't buy you anything. Heck, I don't even expect anything for my birthday. I learned I won't be disappointed then.

 

He says he wants to buy me a ring, but I am hesitant to accept it because he thinks that is all I need. Not true!

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I cannot even lean on him for support.

 

Then you need to discuss this with him. If he cannot be there for you when you need support, he isn't the kind of man you should marry.

 

Life throws a lot of issues and problems at people. The loved ones in our lives - family, friends, romantic partners - are the people we turn to during those times to help us get through. If he cannot see that as a couple, if something affects you it is also something that affects him, then he is not thinking like a couple.

 

What does he add to your life besides sex?

 

I always tell my SO that there is nothing particularly special about me except that HE thinks I am special and makes me feel that way. So yes, I would say that feeling that your SO thinks you are special is vital to a relationship. Feeling that you are interchangeable with any other woman, or that his primary interest in you is sex and nothing else, will leave you feeling utterly unsatisfied and alone in the long run.

Edited by norajane
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What does he add to your life besides sex?

 

 

Companionship.

 

I started this thread wondering if there is more to a relationship than sex and companionship. (I am naive. My parents divorced when I was young and I lived with my bachelor dad until I was 18.)

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Toodamnpragmatic
He does have the cash. I do his banking for him sometimes. We are open about it. I don't know why he said he cannot afford it. One of the things I like about him is that he is financially responsible.

 

I am not into Valentine's Day or Sweetest Day or any of that either. We made that clear in the beginning - don't buy me anything for VD and I won't buy you anything. Heck, I don't even expect anything for my birthday. I learned I won't be disappointed then.

 

He says he wants to buy me a ring, but I am hesitant to accept it because he thinks that is all I need. Not true!

 

you asked a question, I responded and as expected you are beginning to make excuses. The more I read the more pathetic you are sounding. I said dump him and you are rationalizing. I brought up VD not in the context of the post, but to explain that we men do understand romance. You chose a dud!!!!!

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Companionship.

 

I started this thread wondering if there is more to a relationship than sex and companionship. (I am naive. My parents divorced when I was young and I lived with my bachelor dad until I was 18.)

 

My parents have been married for 45 years, and there is a lot more to it than sex and companionship.

 

Communication - being able to speak openly and honestly about everything, feeling understood, understanding each other, solving problems together, developing dreams together. Helping each other through all emotions, like angers, fears, hopes, disappointments. You are each other's best friends.

 

Teamwork - you are in it together, through thick and thin. You help each other reach your goals, you develop goals for your lives together and work to meet them, you are a united front, you give each other the benefit of the doubt. Thinking about the other person and taking them into account when making life choices, or dinner choices. You are each other's biggest fans and cheerleaders. One for all and all for one; you are in it to win it...together.

 

Support - at times, one partner or the other needs extra support, and the partner picks up the slack for a while, offers a shoulder to cry on, offers suggestions, offers a listening ear, or just a hug to let you know they understand and sympathetic. It is also the kind of support that celebrates the other person's achievements and triumphs, whether that is getting a promotion at work, losing 10 pounds, or successfully fixing the furnace.

 

Commitment - sticking together even when you don't want to, even when it's hard, because you trust that you will find a way to work things out. Loving each other even when you, temporarily, don't exactly like each other.

 

A good relationship strengthens you; you are stronger as a couple than each on their own.

 

There's a quote...I don't have it exactly, but it's about how a good relationship "halves your troubles, while your pleasures are doubled".

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you asked a question, I responded and as expected you are beginning to make excuses. The more I read the more pathetic you are sounding. I said dump him and you are rationalizing. I brought up VD not in the context of the post, but to explain that we men do understand romance. You chose a dud!!!!!

 

 

Wow. I'm not sure what your problem with the OP is, but I strongly suspect you're mostly annoyed that she's not immediately agreeing with your assessment. Naturally she's rationalizing and making excuses -- she loves the jerk, even though he's being a jerk. It's not like she's making an item return at Walmart; this is a person she's been with for a while. :p Sheesh.

 

 

Anyway, OP... I think you need to evaluate exactly what you're getting out of this relationship before you even consider saying yes if he pops the question.

 

You say he doesn't support you. That's bad. The whole point of marriage is to be safe, secure and support each other financially, emotionally, and physically. If you can't even count on this guy to know you well enough to at least pick some wildflowers off the side of the road for you, then what makes you think things will improve with a ring and a piece of paper?

 

It's not wrong of you to need more romance and affection. That's who you are and how you feel loved, and the person you marry needs to understand who you are. Sit down, have a real discussion about it (without fighting) and see what happens. If he changes temporarily and then goes back to his old ways, I'd personally call it a loss but only you can make that decision for yourself. You understandably have a lot of time and effort invested into this seemingly inconsiderate blockhead, so I'm sure a lot of us can understand if you're reluctant to toss it all away over some cards, candy and flowers. :)

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Toodamnpragmatic

She still has not said anything positive about him, but rationalizes everything. She asked for an opinion, I gave it, she confirmed she's discussed the romance aspect and he just ignores it. Then she goes off on a tangent and explains that VD doesn't matter to her either.

 

Well good for her. I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to, but I can post and show her that she is silly defending him on these accounts. We know nothing more then she posted that he is pretty much an uncaring lout who doesn't do a whole lot for her outside have sex with her.... While I doubt he looks like John Hamm, I'm thinking of his character in Bridesmaids to describe this guy.

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A few days ago he told me he likes to feel loved (because I am willing to have sex). He said "don't you feel loved?" and I said no. I never heard anymore about it.

I think I am supposed to feel loved and special because he wants sex all of the time.

 

He's projecting. HE feels loved and special when you have sex with him, so he assumes sex is how you get your needs met, too.

 

But, you've told him that's not the case, and you've told him what you need to feel loved, and he's ignoring that, so? What now?

 

Will you try to help him understand that your way of expressing and feeling love is different from his and equally legitimate? Do you think he is capable of listening, understanding, and learning what you need to feel loved? Do you think he cares to learn about what you need?

 

Maybe giving him a copy of "The 5 Love Languages" might help him see things a different way?

 

Or maybe you could ask him if he would still feel loved if you stopped cooking for him and packing his lunches every day? Or just stop doing it and see how he feels?

 

As I see it, sex is not going to carry the relationship. If you don't get the love and affection you need, and if there is nothing else he wants to do to meet your needs except have sex, this relationship will fall apart sooner or later, depending on when you get totally sick of it.

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Toodamnpragmatic

He can't be that dense..... It's not going to change. I can't help but laugh when I read these posts, especially from people in their 40's.....:laugh:

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He can't be that dense..... It's not going to change. I can't help but laugh when I read these posts, especially from people in their 40's.....:laugh:

 

What about her? She has to accept some responsibility too.

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Toodamnpragmatic
What about her? She has to accept some responsibility too.

 

that is why she is here asking the question and then upset at the responses telling her she is an enabling fool to except it.

 

However as a male I should stand up, support and applaud my brethren for pulling off this ruse for three years. So I take it all back....

 

OP you are lucky to have found and kept any man for three years. If he doesn't beat, scream, belittle and demean you and has sex with you, you should be thrilled. He is a keeper.....;):laugh::D

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I am financially "totally independent and on my own".

Sorry, adding in "financially" to what you wrote in a prior post, still doesn't make sense:

He wants to get engaged, but I am still
financially
totally independent and on my own.

In my experience, people who are totally independent like this do so because they believe that by never relying on someone else they can never be disappointed. However, this belief prevents the person from fully committing to a romantic relationship.

 

I am not into Valentine's Day or Sweetest Day or any of that either. We made that clear in the beginning - don't buy me anything for VD and I won't buy you anything. Heck, I don't even expect anything for my birthday. I learned I won't be disappointed then.

 

You think you won't be disappointed, but with such a belief you also will never feel "special". How disappointing is that?

 

Since your parents were divorced when you were young and you lived with your bachelor dad, I get the sense that you have not had good role models or experiences of romance in relationships and that you've been dissapointed time after time starting with your parents. It's sad because it has probably impacted your whole life, but it also doesn't have to be like that.

 

You need to change your perspective.

 

Maybe this guy is a non-romantic and no longer the right person for you and it's easy to put all the blame on him for not treating you "special", but you need to at least accept some responsibility for what you're experiencing.

 

You're giving off the signal that Valentine's days and birthdays are not "special". If you don't think they are special moments, then no one else will. If you want romance and to feel "special" then you need to be open to those types of days or something equivalent. Going forward, make every holiday a special occassion or make your own special days between the two of you.

 

I also think this also goes back to communication.

 

Unfortunately, I have brought it up with him. He told me he cannot afford it - which is not true - and besides, I am not asking for monetary things.

 

A few days ago he told me he likes to feel loved (because I am willing to have sex). He said "don't you feel loved?" and I said no. I never heard anymore about it.

 

I think I am supposed to feel loved and special because he wants sex all of the time.

When he asks don't you feel loved, just saying "no" is not enough. You need to have a more in depth conversation. You need to tell him in more detail what you need for you to feel special otherwise he won't know.

 

Give us some examples of things that he could do where you can then say that you feel "special".

 

I have the impression that you don't know what would make you feel special, but only you can know what will make you feel special. It's your responsibility to find out and to let him know. Then it's up to him to act on that. Only then will you know if he's the right person for you.

Edited by westrock
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When someone loves you ....they don't have to be told to treat you right....they just do it.

 

I don't know if I agree with this (at least, from a woman's perspective). Most men have to be trained. They're not empathic, not like women are. You have to tell them & show them what you want, sometimes over and over again, before they get it.

 

IMO the real test of a good man, "a keeper" is if he's willing to do what it takes to please you, make you happy. Once you've let him know what that is, anyway.

 

Primer, you've already established a pattern in your R where you're running around doing all these things for him and not expecting him to do anything in return; and so far that's worked out well for him. (Shoot I'd want to put a ring on your finger too! Lock that stuff down!)

 

So maybe it's time for you to re-train him? He may or may not not go for it. But I think it's worth a try anyway. You don't really know yet how willing he would be.

 

Whatever you do, I think you're asking the right questions here. You don't have to accept the status quo; especially if it's not making you happy. And you have more power in your R than you think you do. ;)

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Toodamnpragmatic
I don't know if I agree with this (at least, from a woman's perspective). Most men have to be trained. They're not empathic, not like women are. You have to tell them & show them what you want, sometimes over and over again, before they get it.

 

IMO the real test of a good man, "a keeper" is if he's willing to do what it takes to please you, make you happy. Once you've let him know what that is, anyway.

 

Primer, you've already established a pattern in your R where you're running around doing all these things for him and not expecting him to do anything in return; and so far that's worked out well for him. (Shoot I'd want to put a ring on your finger too! Lock that stuff down!)

 

So maybe it's time for you to re-train him? He may or may not not go for it. But I think it's worth a try anyway. You don't really know yet how willing he would be.

 

Whatever you do, I think you're asking the right questions here. You don't have to accept the status quo; especially if it's not making you happy. And you have more power in your R than you think you do. ;)

 

and as a man we have to train women that when we bring home the bacon, listen to your stories, help around the house, bring home gifts/flowers, and do chores it is for one thing...... That you have sex, and really good sex with us.....:laugh:;):D

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I don't know if I agree with this (at least, from a woman's perspective). Most men have to be trained. They're not empathic, not like women are. You have to tell them & show them what you want, sometimes over and over again, before they get it.

 

IMO the real test of a good man, "a keeper" is if he's willing to do what it takes to please you, make you happy. Once you've let him know what that is, anyway.

 

Primer, you've already established a pattern in your R where you're running around doing all these things for him and not expecting him to do anything in return; and so far that's worked out well for him. (Shoot I'd want to put a ring on your finger too! Lock that stuff down!)

 

So maybe it's time for you to re-train him? He may or may not not go for it. But I think it's worth a try anyway. You don't really know yet how willing he would be.

 

Whatever you do, I think you're asking the right questions here. You don't have to accept the status quo; especially if it's not making you happy. And you have more power in your R than you think you do. ;)

 

OP,

 

Perhaps growing up with a single dad with no visible attachments has not helped you know what to expect. Open book is right about training. Let me go further to say that both men and women need to be trained by their partners about how to give them the love they need.

 

You are not faultless here though. You expressly told a man that romance is meaningless to you and thereby ensured that all efforts romantic gestures are discouraged. Do you know why most men buy roses, jewelry and the like? It's because they know women are into Valentine's Day, Birthdays and all that sentimental stuff. They are conditioned to accept this as a fact. What did you do? You rubbished what he probably thought was a given and made him think that he shouldn't get you any gifts as a result.

 

Find a way to show him you've changed your mind. You don't have to be blunt about it. Or, if you're like some of us, give him a list of the occasions on which you expect a gift and add an extra say 10 non-occasion surprise gifts. He seems to follow direction very well. Even make him a list of gifts you like. Don't worry about the cost. Be imaginative (think Tiffany's). He'll get the idea.

 

Regarding hugs and hand holding, just do it yourself. Make time to discuss your silly concerns with him and explain that all you need is a hug, not a mathematical solution. Train him...and ask him what he would like too. After all, he is human.

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