hurtinrealbad Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 My wife and I have had some major problems in our marriage, most of which are my fault. I am an alcoholic and have Type I Bipolar Disorder. These two illnesses have been the underlying cause of most of our problems in one way or another. I also developed a very acute drug problem which made the other two problems even bigger. I also slept with another woman. All of this, I have admitted to my wife. She is moving out in two-weeks because she says she needs some time to herself so she can find out if she really loves me or if she is just used to being with me. We've been married for almost 5 years and we have a 4 year old boy. She has told me that she forgives me, but I have a hard time believing that. I was only diagnosed with bipolar in July of this year and recently was able to admit that I am an alcoholic in November. It has been almost two months since I have had a drink I know, I know, I should be grateful that she doesn't just file for divorce and take my son away for good, but it still doesn't make it easier. I have had a very intense awakening inside of me and I can't do anything but write and talk about how I feel. I have emotions pouring out that I didn't know existed, all of which are for my wife. It is probably too little too late, but I have told her everything I am feeling. The strongest feeling I have is that of guilt and shame for what I have done. Words can't even begin to express how sorry I am for everything I have done. I justified all of it by saying she doesn't care anyway, she won't have sex with me anymore, etc. What I didn't know at the time is that she didn't care and didn't want to have sex with me anymore because I had been ignoring her and treating her like **** for a long time. I basically drove her away and now I want her back. I have tried to show that I want to change and that I have begun to change, but she says I am giving her too much pressure. I'm sure I am, but I'm desperate and I dont' know what to do. Ladies, if you were in this situation and you said that you wanted to move out for a while to see how you felt about me, what does that mean? Does it mean that she's not coming back or is there some hope? What should I do during that time? I don't want to call her all the time and bother her, but I dont' want to just do nothing..... HELPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Link to post Share on other sites
carra Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 i'm sorry you are going through this right now, i know how you feel, the endless what if' and should'ves, but you can't beat yourself up about it, and worry, because these are not productive solutions to the problem. i am a firm beleiver that things happen for a reason, they allow us to grow and change as people. you said that because of your wife leaving, you have changed, and become more open with your feelings, and possibly more honest with youself? my point is, that if you were still in the same situation w/ your wife, you would still be heading down a path to destruction. therefore since really there is nothing you can do about the way your wife is feeling right now except to support her by giving her space. i understand you are hurting right now, but look beyond the pain and think of what YOU can do do for yourself right now, because if you make your self a better person, your wife will want to come back to you, andyou will have something to offer her that wasn't there before. i'm sure your wife really loves you, but she is hurt and confuesd right now, she needs the space to heal her wounds, and perhaps build her self esteem up, before she is ready to return to you. and YOU need to do the same, think of all the things you have ever wanted to do, but couldn't, or didn't have the time to do, NOW is the time to do it! it is all about you, learn about yourself, love yourself, and your wife will see that. you are on a mission to self-discovery and improvement, focus on yourself and the goal. God bless Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 Has your wife talked to your doctor(s) or gone to counseling with you to help her understand your condition? Bipolar is a very complicated and serious disorder which takes a lot of support and understanding from your loved ones. The more education she gets on the subject, the more she may be able to understand your behavior and how this disorder has affected you. If you are now getting treatment for it, and if she really loves you, she should be happy for you and willing to learn all she can about how to work together to overcome your past and work towards a happier and more stable future. Maybe you could find some sites on the internet that explain Bipolar Disorder in detail, or get some books that you both can read. But if you've truly done so much damage to the marriage and to her trust in you that she is afraid to come back, then you'll have to do what you can to see that you stick to your regimen of medications and therapy...for yourself and for your child. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurtinrealbad Posted December 23, 2003 Author Share Posted December 23, 2003 Carra, thanks so much for your words of encouragement, it really helps to hear somebody else give me advice besides myself. I just got back home from my AA meeting and it's amazing how so many people in one room that are suffering have so much love to give. I can't wait until I have reached the state of happiness that they have been given and hopefully my wife will see the change in me and want to come back. She has gone to a few of my counseling sessions with me and has spoken to my psychiatrist, but I don't think she will ever fully understand my condition. I have printed out a lot of material, but I don't think she has read it. She believes that if you're strong enough, you can overcome anything, but she has no idea. She is even the one who suggested I might have bipolar and I just laughed at her. It wasn't until my last manic episode where I was out all night every day without sleep for days drinking and running around like I was truly insane that I realized I needed help. I can only hope that this time away from me will be beneficial to her, to me, to my son, and to our marriage. If I have to sacrifice our marriage for everyone's happiness, then I guess that's what I will have to do. They always say if you love someone, set them free. That is extrememly painful and hard to do, but sometimes necessary. Thanks everyone for your kind words and I hope you all have a great Christmas. If you have a chance, put a good word in to the Big Guy above for me. Link to post Share on other sites
rainydayz Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 Aww...I hope everything works out for you.. I would also hope that whatever the outcome...you will realize that alcohol is not the way to go.. You are losing too much of your life through that, but you seem to realize that you have a problem and hopefully you will stick to being sober. As an emotionally neglected wife, I can tell you that it is not easy to deal with a husband who all of a sudden realizes his mistakes. Your wife has basically been leading a life that, to a certain extent, did not include you. Your sudden awakening is in the right direction for you, but this is something she will need to deal with on her own. My husband had his own awakening when I moved out of our house. We did not suffer through an alcohol problem but he was certainly emotionally distant from me for many years, and I lived the life of a single person within my marriage. I took the necessary step to force the issue out in the open. It worked, but.. it went from one extreme to another. I now had a husband who was more or less attached to my hip to deal with. It caused alot of problems for me, how do I fit him into my life now? All the times I was used to being on my own, I now had him to do things with. It was very difficult adjusting. Give your wife the space she needs. If she sees how much you are trying to improve your life, she may recall all the reasons why she fell in love with you in the first place. Give yourself time too, you need to be able to take care of you before you attempt to take care of others. You are important to some people who need you healthy and sober... I wish you luck....just be patient... Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 Ok, this is just me. I left my husband one night after we had a fight, and went to a hotel. All I could think about the entire time that I was there was how badly I wanted to talk to him. I tried to be stubborn and not call him, but after about an hour, I caved in and called him. He had an attitude like he didn't want to try to work out our problems, so I hung up. A minute later, he called me back, and was ready to talk. We made up, and I came home...the end. If your wife says she needs space, give it to her. Go to work everyday, and give it your all, and come home every evening, and watch tv. Try not to think about how much you miss her. I'm sure she misses you like crazy, and she'll be ready to talk soon enough. Wait for her to call....if she doesn't call in a week, call her, and check on her. Ask her how she's doing, and if she needs anything, and be as kind as you can be WITHOUT PRESSURE. No, "When are you coming home?"s and "Why are you doing this?"s. Be gentle and kind with, "How are you doing? Is everything ok? Do you need anything that I can give you?" That's just what I would want if I told my husband that I needed space....I don't think that I would have any intention of staying gone...she just needs a little time to catch her breath. In my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 She believes that if you're strong enough, you can overcome anything Sadly, this one belief causes untold thousands of people with mental ailments to think themselves 'weak' or to avoid seeking diagnosis or treatment because they are given to believe they 'should be able to get over it'. I hope your wife finally wakes up and realizes that the brain is just a hunk o'meat that goes screwy like every other organ. Maybe try showing her the brain spect scan images from http://www.amenclinic.com Perhaps if she sees a picture of a disordered brain contrasted with a non-disordered brain, she'll understand that this truly is organic in nature. Link to post Share on other sites
toots307 Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 My father is bipolar and while he takes his meds, he has never admitted to a problem with alcohol but he is an alcoholic. My mother stayed with him for 23 yrs - she did her best but he didn't try at all. They have been apart for 13 yrs and he still has not made a good life for himself. Hurtin, I cannot tell you how proud I am of you for getting the help you need - you have TREMENDOUS strength and courage. I have been praying for my father for 24 yrs now that he will get better and even went through times of blaming myself. You are on the the right track and you really deserve to be commended for your efforts. I'm sure each day will bring with it challenges but face them one by one as they come. I feel for you and your wife and you will both be in my prayers. God bless you and have a very merry Christmas. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurtinrealbad Posted December 24, 2003 Author Share Posted December 24, 2003 I just want to truly thank all of you who have made such POSITIVE comments to me and the words of encouragement given. It really means a lot to me. Merry Christmas to all!! Toots, I know you think and truly believe that your father is an alcoholic, but one thing that I have learned is that the only person who can say they are an alcoholic is the alcoholic themselves. Being bi-polar it is very common to drink because it's a form of self-medication. Although he is taking his medication, they do absolutely nothing if he is still drinking. I am so grateful that God has spared me from so many more years of pain and suffering and that I now understand and realize what my problems are. It was horrible and the aftermath is even more horrible, but at least I can say I am sober and admit I was so very wrong. I wish I could tell you how to help your father, but if a person is truly an alcoholic, they have to find it in themselves and they have to have the desire to stop drinking. The only thing you can do is to continue praying and if the time is right, talk very sincere to him and tell him that you're worried about his health, that you see him slowly killing himself. He may say to you that's what he wants, but that is the pain inside of hiim that he is trying to numb by drinking. Again, if the timing is right ask him if he would consider going to an AA meeting just to see what it's like and to listen to the other members speak and see if he can connect. Don't pressure him, just suggest it. Sometimes a person just needs a little kickstart, but there are those who are so self consumed that they don't ever admit they are alcoholic and they end up killing themselves with the bottle. It's not an easy thing to be an alcoholic or to live with an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a form of the ultimate selfishness from within. Nohthing else matters unless I have access to my only true love. Maybe you yourself could go to an Al Anon meeting. That's a support group for the families and loved ones of an alcoholic. I wish the best for you and I will keep you and your father in my prayers. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Is there any way you can get him to a physician - and forwarn the physician that he needs treatment? Living with an ADD partner is exceedingly difficult. Living with an untreated ADD partner is close to impossible. Most women end up like you - so worn down emotionally they can barely function. Most end up on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs themselves. If he won't go to see someone, you have to. If you really want to try living with this guy, you are going to need some very advanced coping mechanisms. Check the online support links in this post : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t31521/ Link to post Share on other sites
Wolvesbaned Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 I think you should give her space but let her know through your actions that you love her and you're working hard to change. I'm a woman that likes romantic gestures and my friends are the same way. For instance, instead of calling her, send her flowers, or a singing telegraph, or leave her sweet notes or poems. This may also help you by dealing with your need to be closer to her. What things did she like you to do for her when you were young and dating? Understand that wooing her by your thoughtfulness does not entitle you to anything, so do not expect a response. Simply show her your love by gestures and she actually may call you. Warning: some women may not like this, especially if they suddenly get bombarded with gifts that haven't come in years. But I think most do and at a time like this she needs to be reminded that you love her. Link to post Share on other sites
nicolez66 Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 I would give her some time to deal with things, dont be buggy, let her use this time to think, but at the same time dont stop showing her you care and still love her. Most important is that you take this opportunity to make these changes to your life for yourself and she will see in time. If your love for each other is stronge, in time things will heal but it is a very slow and difficult process. I have faith! I have had my own ordeal in a simiular situation and love time and strangth brought our family back together......DONT GIVE UP... be patient. good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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