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I got angry when husband bared his white pot belly in front of me


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

 
 
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Old 15th December 2003, 6:04 PM   #16
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[b]The weird thing is that my husband will tell anybody who asks that he's crazy about me...[b]

he loves you, all right. But I think maybe you've gone from the girl he actively chased to the one he caught (or he was caught) and it's settled into a less overtly romantic relationship, right? and that sucks.

you've got some options: quietly (or loudly, whatever works) encourage him to clean up. My favorite phrase with my husband is "honey, when you clean up, you clean up VERY nicely!" and I'll give him a big kiss. It's easy to just slip into slob mode and stay there.

look into counseling. if not together, then alone. Most church leaders are willing to talk to someone who needs to talk, without charging an arm and a leg.

use humor to defuse the situation. thanks to some heavy duty drugs he's been prescribed, my husband has developed an excessive sweet-tooth and now looks like he's 4-5 months pregnant. And we've turned that into an inside joke, even getting "Jr." to kick every once in awhile. Okay, so it's not the prettiest sight, but hell, we can laugh about it, and that's much better than being upset.

another thing is to get him to go for a complete physical -- if he's older, he could be going through a stage where his "boy hormones" are low or depleted (andropause) and that could be affecting his sex drive, which in turn affect affects his mental state.

you've got a lot of options to take with him before completely throwing in the towel, and I think if you present your case to him in a way that is as non-threatening as possible, he just may respond positively. The last thing we want to be to the person we love most is undesirable ...

good luck,
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Old 16th December 2003, 10:39 AM   #17
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I'm wondering - what is he doing about his depression? Is he on medication? Depression is a phsychological and physical illness. If he was able to get medication and get out of his depression chances are he would become more active, just because he'd start feeling good. I know this from experience. I think that's the first issue to address. Then the issue of his unhealthy (and of course unattractive) big fat gut.

I can understand you being repulsed by it. How many men have I heard of that lost interest in their wives because of weight gain. I would feel the same way. But I think the first problem to tackle is his depression. If you suggested now, while he's depressed, that he should shape up and lose some weight, I'm sure it wouldn't help him or you. If he was able to overcome the depression, it would change his whole attitude and it might change yours as well. When someone is feeling good about him or herself, it's infective. It also might help him with a job search and interviews, though you didn't say if he's looking or why he's out of work.
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Old 18th December 2003, 10:14 AM   #18
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Love is skin deep, i sure do beleive it , and the foundation to a good marraige is effective communication.
Maybe you both need to speak to each other about one another's problems and reservations. and see if theres a chance for you guys to hit a compromise somewhere!
But honestly, if you are just not interested in him as a person, maybe divorce is the best option out! no point u gettin frustrated in the marriage , and well, spare him the insult of being repulsive to you too!!
U need to figure out if u could live with your husband, if he were to lose weight.. if that was the ONLY problem you had with him.....
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Old 9th January 2004, 2:08 PM   #19
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I can relate to this.

My wife of 9 years has gained a ton of weight and is now well over 300 pounds.

We have sex maybe once about every 6 weeks and it isn't much good anymore.

In the beginning of our relationship we had wild sex quite often but she was thinner.

I long for sex with a normal sized woman but what can I do?

It would be selfish to leave my daughter and give up everything I have worked for to get a divorce so I could have sex with someone else. Plus I am 40 years old....odds are I am not going to find anyone without alot of issues and baggage that I don't need to deal with.

So I just suffer in my miserable life.
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Old 9th January 2004, 3:24 PM   #20
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I think when you take a vow of marriage you need to realize sometimes looks change. I mean if you marry someone just because of what they look like, you are heading for diseaster!

Have you tried to exercise with him? Have you tried to cook differently for him?

Im not trying to be mean to you...but what makes you think you are the spring chicken you used to be? Just a reality check to think about, is he still attracted to you the same? Maybe you both need to talk, to get things out in the open.

Sleeping with someone else solves your problem for night, but then opens another can of worms. Marriage is for better or worse, not until someones looks fades.

I urge you to help your husband out, not abandon him now. It seems he may need you now more than ever.
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Old 9th January 2004, 3:39 PM   #21
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AllyKat,
i'm not sure if you're familiar with ardea's entire story. physical appearance is only the tip of the iceberg in this case; read back through her posts if you'd like, it's quite a complex story.
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Old 9th January 2004, 6:28 PM   #22
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Glad he doesn't have cancer or something, with support like that he wouldn't last long. "All you do is lay around in the bed puking all the time. You've shriveled away to nothing. I'm sick of looking at your bald head. Maybe i'll go sleep with a man with eyebrows, then i'll be happy."
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Old 9th January 2004, 8:09 PM   #23
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I agree, coldheart. Living with a chronically ill mate is exactly what the 'for worse' you promise is supposed to be about. Might as just well take it out of the vows. Change to 'for better ONLY'.
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Old 9th January 2004, 8:53 PM   #24
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Quote:
'm not looking for solutions because I doubt there are any. Can you just give me a few words of comfort? And thanks already, just for giving me a place to air my taboo feelings.
I just want to acknowledge coldheart (aptly named) and moineme for the wonderful "words of comfort" they gave this poster, Andrea. I'm sure she appreciates these tender words:

Quote:
Glad he doesn't have cancer or something, with support like that he wouldn't last long. "All you do is lay around in the bed puking all the time. You've shriveled away to nothing. I'm sick of looking at your bald head. Maybe i'll go sleep with a man with eyebrows, then i'll be happy."

Quote:
I agree, coldheart. Living with a chronically ill mate is exactly what the 'for worse' you promise is supposed to be about. Might as just well take it out of the vows. Change to 'for better ONLY'.
Now, Andrea, don't you feel so much better.
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Old 9th January 2004, 9:16 PM   #25
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I apologize for my sloppy misspelling of the threadstarter's name: it's Ardea, not Andrea.
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Old 9th January 2004, 9:33 PM   #26
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Bark, your philosophy is 'no matter what a poster has done to cause his/her own problems, hold that person's hand and coddle them'. Mine is 'people create their own misery sometimes, and you do them no favours by not pointing out how they may be causing their own grief'. Never the twain shall meet.

We have just had a very eloquent thread on which you, too, bemoaned the fact that spouses no longer have the loyalty required to stick through the'worse' part of marriage. So which is it? Bail when it gets tough or stick it out and be loyal? This poor man is suffering his own hell of depression. God forbid you should ever be so afflicted, for I should think you'd raise all holy hell if your wife dumped you or had an affair when you were sick with something you couldn't help having.

In fact, here, in your own words:

Great points, cdn. There has been a seismic shift in expectations for marriage, and a concomitant loss of patience. To me, one of our greatest problems is what I call "premature divorce"--cutting and running at the first hint of rough weather.

As long as people believe that happiness is just around the bend, and that they have a right to such happiness no matter how unrealistic or harmful the exercise of this right is, "for better or worse" marriage in the traditional sense does not stand a chance. We can lecture and hector on these Boards and elsewhere until the cows come home and it won't make a difference. The new marital calculus involves pleasure, happiness and self-fulfillment. Once that ends, the marriage, along with the "no fun" spouse, are expendable in favor of someone whom the seeking spouse believes will provide all three. Marriage, in short, must now be "fun."


So now really, Bark. Which is it??????????????? Such fine and noble a stand you take - but when it comes time to apply this grand set of statements, where are you?

Last edited by moimeme; 9th January 2004 at 9:40 PM..
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Old 9th January 2004, 9:42 PM   #27
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it must be amazing to be physic enough to know someone else's philosophy. is that something deepak taught you?

bark knows ardea. and, as friends do, he stood up for her, because that's what friends do, regardless if it makes them look righteous or morally correct. i admire consistency and loyalty as action, rather than self-inflated rhetoric.
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Old 9th January 2004, 9:56 PM   #28
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it must be amazing to be physic enough to know someone else's philosophy

Um. It's in black and white. Silly me for assuming that people write what they believe, I guess. If I were psychic, I would have gleaned that all this splendid wordsmithing bore no resemblance to what Bark actually believes.

he stood up for her, because that's what friends do

So? Ardea isn't a friend, and even if she were, I'd feel sorry for her husband and not take sides with her against him, since presumably I'd have friend to both. Indeed, in my own divorce, I insisted that all our friends not take sides because the issue was not one that anyone was to blame for. However, she asked for opinions from strangers and that is mine and I feel no compunction to mince words or pretend that I believe other than the standards I hold myself to to please some folks who choose their ethics from day to day and whim to whim.

The difference is that if you see me state a position, you can call me on it any time you don't see me live up to my stated position; you know exactly where I stand and you can trust it. Including that people should marry with the intent of being there to support one another through illness, mental or physical. And so a person who I get involved with knows that I firmly believe in this and will require of myself that I hold to this standard.

Last edited by moimeme; 9th January 2004 at 10:11 PM..
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Old 9th January 2004, 10:28 PM   #29
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Ardea,

You have nothing to be ashamed of in admitting to a feeling which you know is extremely negative. It is because you value marriage that you have stayed in a relationship when you feel such antipathy towards your husband. This is a credit to you. Hearing that you are somehow disloyal to feel this way is not constructive - there is absoluely nothing you can do to stem such a basic emotion as revusion - so if it's advice you can't follow just ignore it. It's hard to hear what is close to hatred being expressed and that accounts for the negative reaction - it must be even harder to feel it. You are doing a heroic job staying in a marriage to support your spouse when you feel this way. Better to say it to us than to him. Please do continue to seek advice if it helps you stick at it until things get better. You need to make sure that you look after your own emotional health too though which I fear for at the moment. So do ask your husband to do as much as he can as long as by so doing it does not further erode his self esteem. Do seek time out of the marriage so that you come to it refreshed and better able to cope (weekends/holiday away with friends).
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Old 9th January 2004, 10:52 PM   #30
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Ardea, do you have any idea of the number of spouses who are repulsed at the physical appearance of their mates?

I'm willing to bet the number is large. Very few people admit to this , unlike you. Few of us possess your courage and candor.

To tell the world that you find your spouse physically and emotionally repellent brings the wrath of the virtuecrats down upon you. Decent, loving, sensitive married individuals would never, ever have such distasteful feelings--let alone admit to them. I mean, you're married, you're not expected to be human.

Last time I checked, imperfect humans marry, and carry their imperfections over into the married state. Being married is not a state of grace. Married people ought to be permitted to express their flawed selves without invoking the self-righteous wrath of LS posters.

Quite frankly, I'm in shock and awe of the hardened set of utopian expectations that some posters impose on the married . Married people, like unmarried people, lie, cheat, have bad thoughts and are occasionally mean and selfish. The harsh, inflexible expectations for marrieds held by some posters--who may not be married themselves--border on the surreal. Normally, I shrug it off, but not this time, not this poster.

Enough.

Last edited by bark; 9th January 2004 at 10:59 PM..
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