Wife might leave me...

[LostInConfusion]

I'm in a predicament. My wife of almost 3 years (been together almost 5) is contemplating leaving me.

 

She's been feeling something the past year or so about what she needs (sexually, and in general, all the time - it has to do with her being a submissive), and because she didn't think I would be into living life in a particular way, never really talked about it. It's also my fault, I knew something was up, and should have questioned when she said it was just all the stress from her job.

 

In the meantime, one of our friends (no longer mine) she knew online started talking with her more and more, and apparently about a month ago, she says she fell in love with him. She felt, because they shared similar circumstances and felt the same way about things, it was easier to talk to him and it started there.

 

I'm not going to say I wasn't angry, but it really was both our faults, because of lack of communication, so I can't blame her 100%, nor do I.

 

Now, obviously, since I mentioned in the first paragraph what her needs are (basically), we've obviously finally started discussing this, and I've assured her that I'd definitely be into what she wants to do if she can give us that chance. She seems convinced that I'm sincere, and not just saying it to get her to stay (I revealed some kinks I have, that I just kind of buried myself because of thinking she would be offended by them) and we're actually enjoying each other more than we have in a long while (though there are many times I'm still depressed, jealous or angry over the situation)...

 

Now the hard part. Despite everything, she's still debating whether to leave and fly halfway across the country to be with this guy. She said the problem is that she loves both of us. She has told me that she loves me more, and that she really feels that our love is like soulmate forever, and that even if she goes, she'll end up coming back to me.

 

But, she also says she does love the other guy, and she doesn't want to just stay and end up regretting missing something that could have been, something that she needs to see, to see if it fits. She doesn't know how long it would take, but she says she doesn't see staying with him forever, and like I said, would want to come back after it was over.

 

I truly believe her when she talks about her love for me and such (because if it wasn't still there, her decision would be a lot easier on her), but I can't reconcile how a few months of talking with someone supplants 5 years of relationship. I can get the whole "Want to see whats out there" thing, especially after the issues we had the past year, but if we've cleared those issues, and she states she'll come back to me anyway, I don't see why she should chose to go. When i asked about this, the answer was simply "because i love him too."

 

This woman is the love of my life, and I seriously don't know how to get on without her anymore. We complemented each other so perfectly for so long.

 

I guess my question is am I stupid for trying to be understanding in this, for wanting everything to work out? For wanting to wait even if she does go?

 

Shes even said she doesn't want to get a divorce, that she just wants to say we're separated since she feels she'll come back.

 

Looking for any help.

[LostInConfusion]

sorry... just realized I made the newbie mistake of posting in the wrong forum. Guess it can go in the "Separation and divorce" section. apologies.

[LostInConfusion]

Why are you putting up with her selfishness. Stop letting her have her cake and eating it and file for divorce. Obviously like she said, she wants to sleep with many other men and she's cheating on you with one. Man up and dump her stuff on the front lawn if she wants to fly across the world for someone who was supposed to be your friend. That's probably why you two are no longer friends: He wanted your wife.

 

You were never at fault for her decision to tramp around on you. That's all her.

 

Perhaps I should clarify one point... she doesn't want to sleep around with many other men. She says she fell in love with this person from talking to him about her issues and problems, and it just turned into love. Her idea to go is to be with this one specific person because she thinks maybe she can get something out of it to resolve her issues that she can't get with me. If it doesn't work out, or when its over, she has said that would be the end of it.

 

Not saying your opinion on the situation isn't valid even with that correction, but I felt I needed to clarify my initial story if it wasn't clear. Thanks for the input, the reason i posted was to see other opinions.

[PratyekaYana]

I'm in a predicament. My wife of almost 3 years (been together almost 5) is contemplating leaving me.

 

Before I delve deeper into your post, let me say that in one sense you've lucked out in this predicament. You have no children, and you've only been tethered to this woman for five years, only three of which were marital. Every freedom to simply liberate yourself from all of this mess is intact. The option to start anew elsewhere is still very much on the table. Keep that in mind.

 

 

She's been feeling something the past year or so about what she needs (sexually, and in general, all the time - it has to do with her being a submissive), and because she didn't think I would be into living life in a particular way, never really talked about it. It's also my fault, I knew something was up, and should have questioned when she said it was just all the stress from her job.

 

Your wife has a preference for a certain sexual "expression"; that is understandable. What I don't understand is why, if she assumed you would not be open to such things, she allowed you to marry her knowing that she would not be satisfied in that department. She deliberately suppressed a part of herself to make you two "work." That's bad judgment.

 

In the meantime, one of our friends (no longer mine) she knew online started talking with her more and more, and apparently about a month ago, she says she fell in love with him. She felt, because they shared similar circumstances and felt the same way about things, it was easier to talk to him and it started there.

 

Now that she feels the compulsion of her sexuality again, she has decided to throw your marriage in jeopardy by beginning an emotional affair with one of your former friends. There were better actions available to her prior to that decision, but she bypassed all of them in favor for what might be the worst.

 

I'm not going to say I wasn't angry, but it really was both our faults, because of lack of communication, so I can't blame her 100%, nor do I.

 

How is her unwillingness to communicate those needs of hers your fault?

 

Now, obviously, since I mentioned in the first paragraph what her needs are (basically), we've obviously finally started discussing this, and I've assured her that I'd definitely be into what she wants to do if she can give us that chance. She seems convinced that I'm sincere, and not just saying it to get her to stay (I revealed some kinks I have, that I just kind of buried myself because of thinking she would be offended by them) and we're actually enjoying each other more than we have in a long while (though there are many times I'm still depressed, jealous or angry over the situation)...

 

The expanded communication is good, but it still doesn't wash away the stain of her affair. If you two should somehow reconcile, then the openness between you will certainly make for a mutually fulfilling sexual life, but there are still quite a few hurdles for you two to overcome (not the least of which are your justifiably unresolved emotional reactions to these events).

 

Now the hard part. Despite everything, she's still debating whether to leave and fly halfway across the country to be with this guy. She said the problem is that she loves both of us. She has told me that she loves me more, and that she really feels that our love is like soulmate forever, and that even if she goes, she'll end up coming back to me.

 

It is impossible to truly love, in the romantic sense, more than one person. The reality of the situation is likely her confusing the emotion that she has for you (generated by comfort, limited compatibility, and other factors) with this new affection that she has for the former friend. Worse still, she may simply be lying to you and attempting to keep her connection to you as a fallback for a failed relationship with said former friend. Either way, this should be unacceptable for you.

 

But, she also says she does love the other guy, and she doesn't want to just stay and end up regretting missing something that could have been, something that she needs to see, to see if it fits. She doesn't know how long it would take, but she says she doesn't see staying with him forever, and like I said, would want to come back after it was over.

 

Absolutely not. Make her choose. She will either be with you faithfully and cease all contact with the other man, or she will create a new life with him and burden your doorstep no longer. There is no middle ground, no possibility of return.

 

I truly believe her when she talks about her love for me and such (because if it wasn't still there, her decision would be a lot easier on her), but I can't reconcile how a few months of talking with someone supplants 5 years of relationship. I can get the whole "Want to see whats out there" thing, especially after the issues we had the past year, but if we've cleared those issues, and she states she'll come back to me anyway, I don't see why she should chose to go. When i asked about this, the answer was simply "because i love him too."

 

This woman is the love of my life, and I seriously don't know how to get on without her anymore. We complemented each other so perfectly for so long.

 

I guess my question is am I stupid for trying to be understanding in this, for wanting everything to work out? For wanting to wait even if she does go?

 

Shes even said she doesn't want to get a divorce, that she just wants to say we're separated since she feels she'll come back.

 

Looking for any help.

 

I wish you sound judgment in these troubles.

Edited September 1, 2011 by PratyekaYana
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[sweetypielovely]

Well you cant possibly love someone just from talking. Thats lust and love requires more than that and spending actual time together. Just stop blaming it all on yourself.

 

Sounds to me like shes letting you off easy so your not totally heartbroken and she want to be sure your left with some hope that she may come back. I highly doubt she would to be honest. And if she did, it would be because it didnt work out with that guy and she wanted to have something to come back to. Thats really selfish and sad on her part.

 

I cant believe your even okay with this and accepting to let her go and come back later.

 

Make her choose...

[Woman In Blue]

Indeed you DO seem to be defending her bullsh*t. I can't help but wonder if you don't have the cuckold fantasy? You sure sound like it.

 

So what's this guy going to do for her that you haven't? Make her wear a collar and walk her around on a leash? Spank her if she breaks a glass or talks back to him? Punish her with thumb-screws if she burns dinner? Good God.

 

You go ahead and wait around while she's getting her kicks somewhere else.

 

Here's a thought - since she's submissive, why don't you simply tell her you forbid her to go and you'll beat her ass if she tries to escape? Problem solved.

[sweetypielovely]

Indeed you DO seem to be defending her bullsh*t. I can't help but wonder if you don't have the cuckold fantasy? You sure sound like it.

 

So what's this guy going to do for her that you haven't? Make her wear a collar and walk her around on a leash? Spank her if she breaks a glass or talks back to him? Punish her with thumb-screws if she burns dinner? Good God.

 

You go ahead and wait around while she's getting her kicks somewhere else.

 

Here's a thought - since she's submissive, why don't you simply tell her you forbid her to go and you'll beat her ass if she tries to escape? Problem solved.

 

 

Awesome! Great advice!