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He didn't come home last night.


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So I've been sick for three days and pretty miserable. After 13 years of marriage, I don't expect my husband to take care of me. I've learned he's just not a good nurse. Thankfully I'm not sick often, less than once a year...But this time he's being a jerk about it, and using my illness as an excuse to go party with his single/divorced pals.

Yesterday he was gone all morning (playing tennis 3+ hours), then away all afternoon (at a friend's house party), then at band practice (drums in a rock band on the side), THEN he came home to change clothes, and went out drinking with another friend to "cut loose for a change."

When he didn't come home by a reasonable hour, I couldn't sleep. He didn't text or answer his cell at 3 in the morning. Finally he straggled in at 6 am; he was sleeping off some of the booze on his buddy's couch, without telling me where he was.

I don't want to be his mother, but geez...I hate when he acts like a teenager. This is not an isolated incident. When he came home, I told him calmly that I wished he would have come home in a taxi rather than had a "sleepover," and that I believe married people should be at home at night, especially after being away for 24 hours goofing off in leisure activities. I was upset he didn't answer his phone. He got really defensive, saying he "never" cuts loose (not true!), and we had a huge fight.

Am I being unreasonable?

This is a man with a great deal of spare time, during which he frequently goofs off. I have been supportive of his hobbies, including late night gigs with his band, and daily tennis sessions that last hours. I've helped him plan camping trips for the guys only. I've respected the caveman time that he needs. I even look the other way when he sleeps till noon during the week (he only works part-time).

How much down-time does a guy need? Am I just enabling him to become more of a slacker? Or am I over-reacting?

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whichwayisup

Your H is a selfish immature jerk and seems to be regressing or having a mid life crisis? His behaviour is wrong! It's too much!

 

Sorry that you're sick, I hope you feel better soon. Call a friend, or ask your mom to come keep you company next time you're not well.

 

Anyway, your H needs a wake up call and needs to be there for you. It's one thing to go out with buddies and have guy time, but he seems to be going out too much and enjoying spending time with single/divorced guys rather than spending time with you, and with other married couples.

 

I just hope he's not doing something stupid and selfish, like cheating, behind your back, taking advantage of his freedom.

 

Talk to him and tell him it's time for him to slow it down and spend more time with you. Hobbies are one thing, but going out and getting drunk, not coming home is another.

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thanks, whichwayisup!

It does feel like he's taking advantage, as though he knows I can't raise too big a fuss since I'm sick, which ticks me off even more. I called a friend and she recommended I do lay down the law. I really don't think he's cheating, but that this one particular guy friend is giving him some crap machismo advice, meanwhile making himself feel better about his own regression by bringing my H along for the ride.

I need to find the energy to confront this.

When he gets home...He's at work now :sick:

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Woman In Blue

He sounds like he's 22 years old. Why does he only work part-time, and what does he hope to be when he grows up? Most guys over the age of 28 realize they need to establish some kind of career if they want to be able to eat and keep the lights on without struggling every day for the rest of their lives.

 

Sounds as though he only wants to do the bare minimum as far as supporting himself, and play like a dumbass teenager the rest of the time. Please don't tell me you're working fulltime to support this buffoon. And I have to be honest, most men are only as honest as their options, and this guy has a ton of options because he's free to roam all the time and women make stupid fools of themselves around guys in bands. Never could figure that one out because most of those guys look like rehab regulars. Yuck.

 

I don't think you're unreasonable at all for wanting a husband who acts likes an adult and not a stupid hormonal teenage boy.

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Why does he only work pt?

 

Does home stress him out? Does he enjoy spending time with you?

 

I agree that you need to confront him, but these are questions you need to ask him. Why doesn't he want to spend his downtime with you? Don't ask that in an accusing way, but with genuine interest in his perspective.

 

But his current behavior is unacceptable.

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You married a boy. He needs a reality check. Something to let him know that he is a man now with responsibilities. He is not living up his end of your partnership and you may have to tell him that in a forceful way.

 

But then remember. I am sure that he was this way when you married him, so expect resistance.

Good luck

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This guy is acting like a jerk and needs to grow up. Part of loving someone is to be there to help them when they need you. If he can't see past his own desires due to his selfishness he needs some counseling.

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Thanks to all who responded!

He came home last night with a sincere and heartfelt apology. He knows he screwed up, and that he needs to be home at night.

He does have a tendency towards acting out like a teenager sometimes, but at least he admits it. His job (which pulls in enough for his share) is in academia where PT is common. But I think the limited hours spoil him with extra free time and he gets a bit entitled. We also discussed that he's taking me for granted, but he's working on that. He even made an appointment with a counselor toward this goal.

But I appreciate the comments! It's a fine line between allowing a guy enough space to feel like he's his own man and letting him take far too much advantage of that leeway. I think the balance is back in check again.

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Thanks to all who responded!

He came home last night with a sincere and heartfelt apology. He knows he screwed up, and that he needs to be home at night.

He does have a tendency towards acting out like a teenager sometimes, but at least he admits it. His job (which pulls in enough for his share) is in academia where PT is common. But I think the limited hours spoil him with extra free time and he gets a bit entitled. We also discussed that he's taking me for granted, but he's working on that. He even made an appointment with a counselor toward this goal.

But I appreciate the comments! It's a fine line between allowing a guy enough space to feel like he's his own man and letting him take far too much advantage of that leeway. I think the balance is back in check again.

 

Glad that he apologized :)

 

The bolded still sounds oddly parent/child. It shouldn't be about you keeping him in check.

 

From the point of view of a married adult, do you feel that it is a fine line for you between taking enough time to be yourself, and taking advantage of your husband? Why is it not as obvious to him?

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No, not trying to keep him in check. We try to communicate what boundaries work for our relationship and stick by them. It goes both ways.

But you're absolutely right; it's not that I "let him" do things, but that I support his having individual time and interests, and he supports me in the same way (I worded that badly before).

This time though, he felt like gallivanting off with a friend and alcohol and was insensitive enough to not come home, which to make it worse, he has done before. So I had to reinforce that boundary with him solidly yesterday: always come home at night. It wasn't even much of a confrontation because he came home from work having reached that conclusion himself.

He's having some issues lately (with depression and probably mid-life things), so some regression into adolescent behavior isn't terribly surprising. It's just annoying and hurtful when in manifests in this kind of episode.

The other stuff, like garage bands and sleeping in, I can handle. It helps that I'm not sick today! Funny how being well makes all of one's problems much more manageable. :o

What a nice community I've found in this site though! So, y'know...Silver linings.

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  • 4 weeks later...
He didn't text or answer his cell at 3 in the morning. Finally he straggled in at 6 am; he was sleeping off some of the booze on his buddy's couch, without telling me where he was.

<snip> This is not an isolated incident.

This is a man with a great deal of spare time, during which he frequently goofs off. I have been supportive of his hobbies, including late night gigs with his band, and daily tennis sessions that last hours. I've helped him plan camping trips for the guys only. I've respected the caveman time that he needs. I even look the other way when he sleeps till noon during the week (he only works part-time).

How much down-time does a guy need? Am I just enabling him to become more of a slacker? Or am I over-reacting?

 

Sorry but it sounds like he's having an affair. Frequent nights away from home? Staying away all day? Goofing off with the guys on "guys only" weekends?

 

Bullshirt. If he isn't answering his texts, ignores your calls and is gone all night - there is another woman.

 

Sorry.

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Wow, are you married to my ex?:laugh: He acted JUST like that while we were married. And he WAS screwing around on me. Behaviour like that does not engender trust.

 

He needs to smarten the hell up.

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You let him get away with that with an apology and a talk? Oh, no, no, no. This guy is walking all over you and as long as he acts all sad and remorseful he's knows he can do it over and over again.

 

What's keeping you with a guy like this? Are you staying for the kids? I just bolted from a 2 year marriage after realizing I was married to a big, sloppy kid. They don't change.

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In 20 years the only nights I spent away from my H was when he spent the night at home with our current kid(s), and I was in the hospital after just having another kid.

 

At one point, he even worked as a bouncer to make some extra cash and was home by 2:30, when the club closed at 2.

 

I think you should keep your eyes and ears WIDE open, because this just doesn't sound right.

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I wish you good luck with this.

 

I was married for 20 years to a man just like yours and I don't know what advice to give, nothing I tried eg:freedom,boundaries,nagging or indifference changed his behavior for any length of time.

 

He had 2 affairs and I have since found out lots of (one night hook ups)during our marriage because he had opportunity

 

Looking back I still can not see what I could have done differently to change him or our outcome.I've always felt people should make choices because it's the 'Right'(moral) thing to do but life does not seem to work that way:(:(

 

His current Gf (2nd affair partner) keeps him on a real tight leash ,amazingly tight leash ! I'm watching with detached interest at how that works out for her.He no longer sees alot of his old friends or hangs out at old haunts .She is a very Jealous person and they have very public fights.

 

Do you have or are you thinking of having children with your man?

my guess is that his 'me me' behavior will not change and you will parent on your own with a 'bigkid'in the house

 

All the best I hope you have more luck with your selfish partner than I did.

Edited by Damia
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Sounds like you two have a pretty good line of communication.

 

Not sure where to find this, but what is it about you that makes him feel like he "has" to do this? It's obvious he feels better about hiding behind an excuse to "cut loose" rather than tell you the truth, which is what you deserve.

 

But from his perspective, what is it you have done in his eyes that makes him think you don't deserve the truth?

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