scaredandalone1223 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 MMy husband and I separated for a month last year. MY idea, I wanted out of our marriage. He was completely trustworthy before and has been since, During this time he did have a female 'friend'. I have read every correspondence between them and my husband did not do anything inappropriate. He wanted a 3rd party to be a sympathetic ear for the pain he was going through. She was recently divorced so he thought she would have some insight. She did fall for him, hard! He only found out about this through a blog post which I showed him. I could tell by his expression he was completely taken of guard and had no idea of her feelings. As soon as he moved back in he cut all contact at my request. She lives out of state and they only met onceonce in public, with a mutual friend. Our marriage is stronger than ever yet ever so often I get so hurt inside about this 'relationship'. Like I said I do not believe it was anything more than friendship on his end. He was hurting and wanted someone to talk to about music, movies, etc. to get his mind off of his pain. Is it insecurity on my part, although I do not view myself as an insecure person, jealousy...what? Like I said I have seen all of the interaction between them and he did nothing inappropriate. I was his first so even when she made a flirts comment I could tell by his response that he did not pick up on it nor did he reciprocate. It's been 8 months and they only spoke for 3 weeks yet I still have these feelings. Maybe it's because I know how she felt and it bothers me so bad that another woman could have this feelings for my husband. I know it's childish and the feelings are not constant maybe once every two or three months but when they come they hit me like a ton of bricks. My husband has been amazing since we reconciled and I know cheating is not in either of our natures so I have no worry they are still in contact or anything. We are basically in the newlywed stage again and are both happier with our marriage than either of us ever thought possible. So why from time to time do these feelings surface? He didn't cheat, he didn't betray me, he did not do any of the 100's of things he could have done under the separation umbrella, yet it still stings. How do I move past this once and for all? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 We are basically in the newlywed stage again and are both happier with our marriage than either of us ever thought possible. So why from time to time do these feelings surface? He didn't cheat, he didn't betray me, he did not do any of the 100's of things he could have done under the separation umbrella, yet it still stings. How do I move past this once and for all? I have a few ideas. First of all, it seems you are trying to convince yourself of something that isn't very believable--that he had no interest in this woman at all. It might be easier to accept that there was some interest and attraction, and that's ok. He didn't cross any lines. And, sure, it stings to know that your partner gave time and attention to another woman. But you were separated, and he didn't cross any lines, and now that you are back together he is no longer looking for that attention elsewhere. Being in a honeymoon stage is a mixed blessing, in my experience. There is such rawness of feeling--both good and bad. Raw desire, raw pleasure, raw, aching love....but also raw vulnerability. The heightened state crosses over to the good and the bad feelings. My feeling is that the sting will lessen with time, as long as there are no new "offenses". Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredandalone1223 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 Oh I'm sure he liked the extra attention. It was a much needed ego boost. Things could have gone much, much differently. As far as any new offenses I do not believe that is anywhere near happening. The ONLY thing he ever wanted was for us to be a happy couple and a strong family. He had/ has his faults as we all do but it was me who wanted out. I just wish I could get rid of the childish insecurities that make these feelings surface every now and again. We are happy now, truly happy and if it took a separation and a bit of jealousy on my part to get us there then for that I am thankful. I've learned to never say never and I know we will face many bumps in the road ahead but his cheating is not one of the bumps I worry about! Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredandalone1223 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Thanks everyone. I do agree with you aasdf. I know the issue purely lies within me. I am very fortunate to have a loving, sincere, devoted husband. I am thankful everyday that I cane to my senses before it was too late! By him NOT taking advantage of what was right in front of him just proves his devotion even more. Like I said I'm sure he was flattered. In his eyes it was nice to know that there would be other opportunities if we didn't make it. But he was a strong enough man to know jumping into something else right away would not be good for anyone, especially him. I'm sure it will always sting a bit, but more from the point of guilt on my end. I can twist it and spin it but in the end it is my guilt that hurts the most. Our marriage survived and in fact thrived from the whole screwed up situation and I am just grateful he gave us another chance. I guess the guilt isn't a totally bad thing though. I will use it as a reminder of what could happen. I will use it as a reminder to never take my husband or our marriage for granted. In the end I am one of the lucky ones and that is something I will never forget!! Link to post Share on other sites
Richard Friedman Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 You should thank him. You knowing that he got another woman to want him is probably one of the reasons your marriage is "better than ever" now. Link to post Share on other sites
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