Complete mess

[Alice8122]

I've been married for 5 years and have two children together.We had an arrange marriage and the sex was disastrous right from the beginning. Divorce was out of question due to families involved and children.I was embarrassed to tell my husband about it thinking it would hurt his ego.he was my first sex partner ever so I thought maybe this is how it's supposed to be.Sex lasts less than 5 sec with no foreplay or oral. Anyways had two children. I used to beg him for sex in the first year of my marriage but he always told me that I'm hypersexual and that if I had a job I would be spending my energy more productively. There is a 10 years age difference between us. I used to feel rejected but could not tell anyone.

1 year later,I start working( we both are surgeons) and we both got busy with work. I Had a sexual affair 2 years into the marriage and broke it off scared. I realized how amazing sex can be. Tried to seduce my husband, didn't work again. I have another baby. Well last year 2010 I met a single guy,very good looking,successful and what started as a sexual affair turned into an emotional one.it's been over one year.I completely lost interest both emotionally and physically in my H.he started to repulse me. Meanwhile the single guy wanted me to divorce my H and marry him.

My H got suspicious 2 weeks ago when I refused to have sex with him and told him that I have lost interest in him and I feel empty inside.He freaked out,screaming and yelling. I lied to him that I had thought of cheating but have not done it physically.

Relatives,parents all got into this and told me to break up with the OM and work on my H. We went to couples counseling and discussed the issues .I lied again in therapy..the main issue is that my H is a good guy,never cheated as he claims,makes over a million,we have two young children but because of my affair,I have lost all my feelings for him.he repulsed me physically. I feel sad when I look at him but I have no spousal love for him. I cannot leave him for the sake of my children and also he says that if I ever leave him, he will make my life miserable. Even if he has to go to jail for it. That scared me. I told him it's only unfair to both of us if we are not in love any more. He says he still loves me and would not let me break his family apart.

OM is happy thinking I'll get a divorce. I was wrong in this situation,and I will have to make things right. My H didn't do anything wrong..I'm ready to have sex with him whenever he wants even though I go vomit right after sex. I think at least I had 1 amazing year with OM and I'll always cherish those memories.my heart also breaks for my lover, he thinks I will break away and be with him...I would have done it but I know I'm wrong and god will punish me. What you do to others always comes back to you.

I don't know how to break up with OM..I thought about NC but it's unfair to him. I want to make it least painful because I will always love and care for him from the bottom of my heart. He is a good guy and I was more at fault because I was married. I hate to break his heart and I resent my husband more for this.

[KathyM]

I've been married for 5 years and have two children together.We had an arrange marriage and the sex was disastrous right from the beginning. Divorce was out of question due to families involved and children.I was embarrassed to tell my husband about it thinking it would hurt his ego.he was my first sex partner ever so I thought maybe this is how it's supposed to be.Sex lasts less than 5 sec with no foreplay or oral. Anyways had two children. I used to beg him for sex in the first year of my marriage but he always told me that I'm hypersexual and that if I had a job I would be spending my energy more productively. There is a 10 years age difference between us. I used to feel rejected but could not tell anyone.

1 year later,I start working( we both are surgeons) and we both got busy with work. I Had a sexual affair 2 years into the marriage and broke it off scared. I realized how amazing sex can be. Tried to seduce my husband, didn't work again. I have another baby. Well last year 2010 I met a single guy,very good looking,successful and what started as a sexual affair turned into an emotional one.it's been over one year.I completely lost interest both emotionally and physically in my H.he started to repulse me. Meanwhile the single guy wanted me to divorce my H and marry him.

My H got suspicious 2 weeks ago when I refused to have sex with him and told him that I have lost interest in him and I feel empty inside.He freaked out,screaming and yelling. I lied to him that I had thought of cheating but have not done it physically.

Relatives,parents all got into this and told me to break up with the OM and work on my H. We went to couples counseling and discussed the issues .I lied again in therapy..the main issue is that my H is a good guy,never cheated as he claims,makes over a million,we have two young children but because of my affair,I have lost all my feelings for him.he repulsed me physically. I feel sad when I look at him but I have no spousal love for him. I cannot leave him for the sake of my children and also he says that if I ever leave him, he will make my life miserable. Even if he has to go to jail for it. That scared me. I told him it's only unfair to both of us if we are not in love any more. He says he still loves me and would not let me break his family apart.

OM is happy thinking I'll get a divorce. I was wrong in this situation,and I will have to make things right. My H didn't do anything wrong..I'm ready to have sex with him whenever he wants even though I go vomit right after sex. I think at least I had 1 amazing year with OM and I'll always cherish those memories.my heart also breaks for my lover, he thinks I will break away and be with him...I would have done it but I know I'm wrong and god will punish me. What you do to others always comes back to you.

I don't know how to break up with OM..I thought about NC but it's unfair to him. I want to make it least painful because I will always love and care for him from the bottom of my heart. He is a good guy and I was more at fault because I was married. I hate to break his heart and I resent my husband more for this.

Wow, that's the problem with arranged marriages. But you made the commitment and you have to honor it. You owe it to your children to honor your vows. You need to communicate with your husband about what you need in a sexual relationship with him. He can be educated in being a better sexual partner, through books and experimentation with him. And communication. He obviously wants sex, but he's not good at it. You need to educate him and work on that together. Stop taking the calls from the OM, and do what is right.

[Alice8122]

My H wants to work on the sex part but now I dread it.my heart is not into it at all. I find any sexual act or even him touching me repulsive.i keep thinking about OM and I feel extreme anger towards my H for standing in between me and OM. I know it's all wrong But harder my H works towards this sexually, further away I'm going from him. I also think what good is a marriage if you cannot have sex with your partner. But I'm a coward. I know I'll be in this marriage forever till I die.

[Afishwithabike]

I feel for you. That's a tough situation. I don't know if you're Indian, but I have Indian friends and I sometimes wonder if they're happy in their arranged marriages. One never knows what goes on behind closed doors

 

I can see that perhaps due to your upbringing and cultural background you might have been reticent to talk to your husband about his sexual performance when the problems first started. After all, he might ask how you know what good sex feels like when you're supposed to be a virgin. But you made a mistake waiting for so long and then cheating on your husband.

 

So now he's suspicious and angry, but willing to work on the sex aspect while you're miserable and frustrated, but unwilling to work on the sex aspect. You both need marital counseling, possibly some sex therapy, to resolve the situation, but first there has to be a willingness to work on the issues. If you don't want to be with him, you need to be honest. You've been cowardly so far. Can you live the way you're living for another 30-40 years. How can you not be tempted to cheat again? Why do you find him repulsive - is it because he's not as good looking as the OM? I think you're still in the affair fog so your OM is more desirable to you than your husband. That's understandable. Perhaps if you instituted NC and you worked on your marriage, your feelings for your H might change. If you work on your marriage and you still find your H repulsive, you really need to consider whether you want to be tethered to him for the rest of your life. That's not fair to you or him.

 

I'm curious about something you wrote. How did you manage to have two children if he lasts less than five seconds? I don't know how to ask this nicely so I'll come right out with it, are you sure the two children are his?

Edited July 9, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[Alice8122]

We both are indian and both my extra marital relationships were with white men. My children look exactly like my H. Another reason for repulsion is that I only get turned on by Caucasian men and find myself staring at good-looking white men.

Not kidding about 5 sec timing.. He comes as soon as he enters me.. Longest maybe to the count of 10

Deep inside my heart I know now it's not the sex anymore, it's him. I have fallen out of love and feel miserable. I also know that I might cheat again if I stayed married to him. I ll be letting down my children, my parents if I break away. And he's not ready to let go.. Financial security is another reason( though small because I make good money myself). We have extensive property in US as well as other countries.. I don't have paperwork etc. My H has told me if I ever leave he will screw me over and not let me have a single penny.OM is ready to accept the children too. But it's too much of a headache at this stage of life in my 30s. With 2 children.I have nagging thought, what if 2-3 years from now OM cheats and dumps me for a younger girl? Very scared to karma. I wish my H understood, you cannot force someone to love you. It comes from within.

[Afishwithabike]

I had a long message written down, but the computer ate the post. I'll come back and repost.

Edited July 9, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[Afishwithabike]

Are you sure you're only attracted to white men? You obviously must have found something attractive about your Indian spouse or you wouldn't have married him or wanted sex with him in the early years of your marriage. When you say you're only attracted to white men, it sounds to me like you're still caught up in the feelings of your affair. I'm not familiar with affair fog though I've read about it here on LS. You might want to post on the Infidelity section for more indepth advice re: how to get over the fog.

 

You have two options now. Work on your marriage or get out it via divorce. You can't maintain status quo. If you are going to work on the marriage, please get some individual counseling for yourself because you have a lot of issues to sort through by yourself without him there.

 

There must be things about your husband that you like. Is he kind, responsible, respectful and loving? Is he a good father? You only talk about the sexual aspect and his understandably angry reaction to your "confession". The fact you don't say anything really positive about him shows you're still in affair fog. The first thing to get out of the fog is to cut off your ties with the OM. And you're right that he may not be with you two or three years down the road especially when you bring into play all the multicultural factors. The stress of all that might make him think twice about being with you. He might not only leave you for someone younger, but someone of his ethnicity. You need to think about that and be prepared to accept that it's a possibility. You'll also have to deal with a HUGE fallout from your Indian relatives. I can't see your parents being supportive. Not to mention how your H's parents will treat you afterwards. Can you truly be happy with OM when you consider all those factors?

 

When you say you don't have the paperwork, do you mean you don't have your name on some of the properties your husband owns?

[Woman In Blue]

Wow, that's the problem with arranged marriages. But you made the commitment and you have to honor it. You owe it to your children to honor your vows. You need to communicate with your husband about what you need in a sexual relationship with him. He can be educated in being a better sexual partner, through books and experimentation with him. And communication. He obviously wants sex, but he's not good at it. You need to educate him and work on that together. Stop taking the calls from the OM, and do what is right.

I don't agree with this at ALL.

 

Stop falling on the sword and sacrificing EVERYTHING in yourself for a man who doesn't even respect you enough to CARE about your needs or feelings. And I wouldn't be so sure that your husband hasn't cheated, trust me. Doctors have a God complex and think they're invincible. The stats are pretty high for doctors being cheaters, so don't put too much faith in the guy. I sure don't.

 

Your husband apparently has that disgusting mindset that you're his property and WHEN he feels like having his 5-second fun, you're the dumpster he makes his deposit in. I don't blame you for throwing up after being subjected to someone like him - I would too.

 

Get the hell OUT.

[TigerCub]

I cannot leave him for the sake of my children

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Give me a f**kin break!!

You wont leave because you're a coward.

 

I'm sorry that you've been dealt a sh** hand and had an arranged marriage, but not only are you betraying your husband, you refuse to let this other man go, you're stringing him along and giving him all these false promises that you will leave, but you know you wont.

 

You say that you don't want to go NC with him because it would hurt him, how many people are you hurting by staying in contact with him?

 

You're just self serving and you're trying to hide behind the front of doing what's best for your children?! please!

how are you even doing anything good for your children when they're growing up in a loveless home, where daddy is angry and mommy is a cheater?!

 

grow up, own your actions, stop the poor me routine and get a divorce. You have nothing good to offer your family by continuing on as you are.

[Alice8122]

Thank you all for the answers. I understand I'm in affair fog.we started marriage counseling last week after big fight which lasted 3 days. After 2 sessions with my H, MC wants to see me alone for next few sessions. I told her and my H that I'm putting forward only 40% of what I think. I also talked to my H that I don't love him anymore in a spousal way. He wants to have sex every day now, which has made my life a living he'll. Haven't seen or talked to OM for a week. I miss him so much. My H understands everything about the situation, he knows I had an affair but has no proof of it only suspicion. He doesn't want to let go out of spite. He clearly told me, he is not going to share me or divorce me. If I divorce him, he will make my life hell. I get attracted to only white men, how can I change what turns me on?

[Babygail]

Dear Alice, like you said we have a similar story. My life is a living hell. Like ur husband, mine wants to have sex all the times now. it was never like this before. The only difference is my usband knows about the whole story with my lover. He knew that i was pregnant and that i am still talking to him. I told him that i love the other guy but does not really care about that, at least that what he pretends. What do I do? I dont have any answer. I am sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I hate myself. The othe guy is a MD and wants to be with me. He loves me and I love him. It was nothing planned, we just met one day and everything happened naturally. We did not force anything. I dont know what to do. I feel like an object.

[Alice8122]

It's unbearable and stifling.I think there are two factors in this, one is the male ego that gets hurt. Feeling of being weak and not a man enough to keep a woman happy and satiated. Other is feeling of jealousy and revenge.. How can she stay happy after ruining my famy and life. That's the reason my H does not want to D me. I hate it. I get nauseous every time he touches me. At this point ge doesn't care if I'm happy or not. He wNts to be happy, he wants his family together and he gets sex when he wants it. The more I detest him, the more he tries to have sex, it's a huge issue. I wish he was dead.

[Alice8122]

And now I think of it.. Even if other man was not in the picture.. I want to be single.

[Afishwithabike]

I'm wondering if you're a troll. If you are, I'm sure you'll deny it.

[SeaBreeze100]

It is amazing that we have the life (except we're not drs). My South Asian hubby is the most boring man on the planet when it comes to sex. It's his way or the highway. And where does he think that grabbing at my boobs is in any way foreplay. Puleeze!

 

I got something this weekend - from an Indian astrologer no less (female) - which astonished me. I thought she'd be holier-than-thou, get back with your hubby or else you'll spend the rest of eternity in hell kind when I told her some of the issues I had been having with my hubby (MBA - out 4 nights a week + weekends for the said course).

 

She told me to have an affair. That I was collecting more bad karma by being miserable and hating him. That sex was a normal part of life. Lie to him to keep him happy and get your jollies on the side pet. Nothing else you can do.

[Alice8122]

Every time I complained to him he said none of his ex gf ever complained. He told me that I have a problem with not orgasming( as if he tried or cared). All this filled me with resentment Especially after the extra marital affair where sex was really amazing. I don't know if being sexually active late in life is a factor to being bad in bed.. Affair on side sounds like fun in the beginning but it's toxic to the marriage. Look at me now, I can't stop thinking about OM, lost interest completely in H, don't want to work on relationship with H etc. It ruins lives, common sense and sanity flies out of the window.

[Alice8122]

Are you indian? Curious..

[SeaBreeze100]

Sri Lankan...

 

But if it is the choice between your sanity and keeping the marriage or insanity and leaving the marriage - I think sanity wins every time.

 

Yes, an affair is horrid (not that I know - though I am seriously thinking of embarking on one) - but it makes you feel real.

 

I don't know about you; but my husband makes me feel like crap. I am a good looking woman but he never compliments me. Thank goodness I was sexually active before I met him to know what I was missing out on.

 

Like you, I will probably stay in my marriage for my son - but I am going to make me happy in the process. It's not like he really cares (not in the deep down sense) anyway. I am just a possession to him. I need to be loved and cared for and if that comes from outside the marriage - so let it be.

[SeaBreeze100]

Look at me now, I can't stop thinking about OM, lost interest completely in H, don't want to work on relationship with H etc. It ruins lives, common sense and sanity flies out of the window.

 

At least you feel alive rather than being walled up alive. Take it for what it is with the OM - a physical release and joy that you can't get at home.

[Alice8122]

That's the south Asian male mentality( I can say that about indian men ) women are a possession to them. They can cheat and my family in india will be ok with it coz ' he's a guy' wives are supposed to bear it( no matter how educated they are) but when she cheats, she's at fault completely.

He will get jealous once he finds out you are happy without him or god forbid with someone else.

[Alice8122]

True seabreeze!! My H was my first sex partner ever and he never gave me oral sex, always did missionary, horrible kisser. We never had sex with lights on( I don't think he knows what my vagina looks like) my American friends refuse to believe it but my indian friends all understand.

My OM was the first guy to make love to me, give me my first orgasm, thought of my pleasure first... Touched me nicely, taught me so many things. I discovered a wild sexual side with him, that I never thought I had.

[SeaBreeze100]

Whatever you do - don't let the OM go. Good sex is so good for your mental health.

[GG2W]

Dump the OM before you really get hurt.

 

He is not a nice guy. Nice guys do not prey on married women.

 

You are only a conquest, a trophy to brag about

 

How do I know? I bagged a 30 year red head last night and collected on a 100 dollar pool.

[blueeyes11]

You poor thing! I sympathize with you. I have seen the other side of the fence. I had a short fling w an Indian dr yrs ago that told me he was single, only it turned out his wife and daughter were on a very long vacation in India. He admitted it later. I saw something in him so different than any caucasion men I have known and I hear it in your posts. Guilt and such a sweetness, almost innocence. I can tell you are a very good person even though you did a bad thing. Your human, your a woman and you have needs that were not met in your marriage. The Dr I met said similar things about his wife, they didn't have sex anymore and surprisingly I was the 3rd woman he had ever been with in his life. He was 40 at the time so I found that miraculous.

So your kind of stuck in what feels like an impossible situation and we both know divorce is unlikely. I think you should continue the counseling alone. You need to pour your heart out and grieve over your lost love so you can find it in your heart to give your marriage another shot. I hope your husband loves you enough to be patient and caring to you instead of marking you daily as his property, that certainly won't help. He definately needs some counseling as well, he doesn't seem to have a clue about women. Good luck I wish you well

[Alice8122]

Blueeyes11, I've fallen out of love with H.I feel dead And empty inside. Sex has become Impossible, I get extremely angry rt after. This is not me. He threatens to send me to India and keep my children away from me if I ever leave him. Last night I tried telling him that I don't feel love for him anymore, he slapped me and grabbed my hands. I didn't call cops, his career would be ruined..but I can't love him any more.