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Husband keeps staying out til morning and doesn't let me know


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

 
 
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Old 3rd July 2011, 12:05 PM   #16
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Hmmm...let me see.

A guy with a minimum wage job working in the bar/restaurant service industry who's already proved himself to be a cheater before you even married him, a liar, an irresponsible a*sshole and a raging drunk.

Wow, what a catch.

And you want to stay with this loser because - why?
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Old 3rd July 2011, 7:49 PM   #17
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You ask if this is enough to end a marriage over. In my opinion, YES. Yes, it is.

He's already proven himself to be both a cheat and a liar. He spends all his money on himself and doesn't have enough left over for the bills. He stays out partying with his friends on YOUR birthday, leaving you alone. He lies to you over, and over, and over again about his whereabouts. His disrespect for you is palpable, honestly. He probably has a drinking problem that he is refusing to address, and nobody would exactly be surprised to find out that he was still cheating, would they?

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. If this were my experience of marriage, I would be divorced already.

Allowing him to continue to treat you this way is damaging your self-respect, I would imagine. I just can't see how it's worth it for the intervals (when nothing is expected of him or he feels like coming home anyway) that he acts sweet or gets his act together to do the bare minimum.

You don't need to nag him or follow around begging him to act like an adult, how is that good for you? Just tell him what's up: you are FINISHED putting up with his bull****. Next time, the locks are changed, and he is served with divorce papers. In the meantime, if he wants to stay married, he should agree to go to marriage counseling with you because the simple fact is that you don't trust him, and he is untrustworthy. Ask him to see a professional and get himself evaluated for alcoholism. And your best bet, start looking now for a place you can afford on your own.

It is sad when marriages don't work and they should be fought for but it sounds like you have been in the trenches fighting alone and just being spat on for your efforts. If he's not going to fight for the marriage too, I'd just consider it over. You'd be better off alone, and then hopefully a bit later you can find somebody whose love and ego have matured beyond high school.
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Old 6th July 2011, 6:14 PM   #18
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Thank you everyone for your posts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Goldenspoon View Post
I wonder why some women say "I do" to guys that are clearly not marriage material.
Goldenspoon, as sappy as it sounds, I loved him and had never felt anything like that before. I was wrapped up in a whirlwind romance and marriage felt right at the time.

Woman in Blue:

'Hmmm...let me see.

A guy with a minimum wage job working in the bar/restaurant service industry who's already proved himself to be a cheater before you even married him, a liar, an irresponsible a*sshole and a raging drunk.

Wow, what a catch.

And you want to stay with this loser because - why?
'

I know! This is what I wonder when I'm feeling p*ssed off! Of course I realised that he would probably always earn less than me, but I figured that LOVE is more important than money. But boy did that change when I found out he cheated on me. I think the truth is that knowing he cheated completely changed how I felt about him, I know my demands have been raised and I'm feeling p*ssed off about accepting the finance thing. It's not just that he has a low salary, but the fact that he is rubbish at managing i.e. not prioritising the bills and my birthday!

FYI that day he came home at 11am. He'd fallen asleep on the night bus. I believe him because he was genuinely upset himself (whereas other times he comes up with these stories with holes in them and I can tell he is lying) - but I still double locked the door so his key didn't work when he came home and screamed at him when I did let him back in. I let him go to bed but sent him a text (so I could convey to him calmly) that the next time he arrives in the morning without letting me know, I wouldn't say anything to him - but I would leave for a week.

As others have said, talk is not working, it's time for action. Unfortunately 'saying' that you don't accept something still seems to be accepting it if you have to keep repeating yourself.

I don't respect him like I used to. If I had the money I'd ask him to take a lie detector test just for my own peace of mind on the cheating - but that shouldn't be necessary in a marriage.

Regarding divorce, like I said, it would be easy to do it after a big dramatic event, but it feels strange to me do it based on these things when day to day we are fine... but I do question if he can make me happy in the long run. I don't mean to sound shallow on the finance thing, but I really expect my man to be able to pay HIS HALF as the bare minimum - the same as I would expect from a friend if we lived together! I'm not asking much!! I was happy to accept everything pre-cheating but now I wonder why I'm financially helping out this guy who betrayed me. I feel sad my husband can't help me when I need money but instead I'm still helping him... I realise I've been enabling him and have stopped bailing him out financially. I feel sad that I didn't even get a diamond ring when we got engaged because back then I didn't think it mattered - but now I do. And I'm still waiting for my birthday present.

Hmmm, I hate that I found out about the cheating just AFTER we got married - but I suppose that doesn't mean I'm confined to marriage for my whole life. It just feels sad to end a marriage when it's not completely shattered, but I suppose I have been trying ever since I found out he cheated. And that was a very sad way to start a marriage - tears and yelling and lack of trust. I don't think he can offer me much other than love - and even then that's a bit sketchy (as proven by cheating and lack of trust).

I suppose I'm also a bit nervous about going through divorce - and what my asian family (who weren't happy that I was marrying a non-asian) and friends will think. I KNOW that's not the most important thing - my happiness and sanity is much more important - but I think it is normal for someone to feel nervous about getting divorced. On the other hand, if I'm going to do it, then the sooner the better!

Any idea on how I'm supposed to 'know' if I should get divorced???
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Old 6th July 2011, 7:05 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsgump View Post
Thank you everyone for your posts



Goldenspoon, as sappy as it sounds, I loved him and had never felt anything like that before. I was wrapped up in a whirlwind romance and marriage felt right at the time.

??
What are you? 5 year old? You HAVE TO eat that cookie or lick that lollipop? Use some common sense and self-control. That's what mature adults do. Or, do you want to wait until you got some STDs or HIV?
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Old 6th July 2011, 8:07 PM   #20
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Mrs Gump, I have never gone through a divorce, so I don't feel qualified to give you the advice you seek. There is a divorce board on these fora, you might get more experienced input there.

I'm not sure how big of a dramatic event you are looking for to push you over the edge, if infidelity, repetitive lying, and a total lack of trust and respect doesn't do it. I do understand wanting to work through problems and patch up a marriage, but I could only commit to that if it were mutual, and if my partner were actively working to save the marriage and build us up rather than dismissing my feelings and continually tearing us apart bit by little agonizing mind-wearying bit. I also wonder what exactly the threat of leaving for one week was supposed to impart, in your situation--honestly, your husband sounds like the type to interpret that as an invitation for a week long bender rather than some kind of 'shape up or ship out' ultimatum. What did he say in response to this? Did you ask him to confront his own alcoholism, or commit to marriage counseling with you? Did you tell him that you have been thinking about divorce? Does he know that you have felt angry and disappointed ever since you found out about his infidelity, or does he think that's buried in the past?

I understand feeling anxious and regretful and a myriad other emotions at the prospect of divorce. But only you can decide when the mistrust, anger, disrespect and disappointment have irrevocably overwhelmed that which was positive in your marriage. I guess I just can't imagine not having reached that point already, in your shoes.
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Old 7th July 2011, 10:44 AM   #21
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Your husband sounds a bit like my ex husband. I tried to rationalize that he would mature in time and that things would get better. But when we had children, things got much worse. His partying and disrespectful nature increased, and I was left to work and tend to the children while he was out until 5 or 6am cheating on me.

If you don't have children, I would recommend moving on with your life. You are still young enough to make a life with someone else, a responsible man who wants to be with you and doesn't leave you in the dust because he wants to drink and cheat.

As for how others will view you??? This is YOUR life, and you should do what is best for you. I was also worried about what my parents would think about divorce, but when I told them about what I was going through, they were supportive of my decision. Even if your family is not supportive, you can get through it with the help of a therapist or a friend. Your husband is not being a husband to you. If he wants to party, he should include you (if that's your thing).

Based on personal experience, I can attest that a man who is more interested in his social life, drinking, and cheating is not likely to make a good father (if you plan on having children). Most or all of the work will fall on you and you will become even more resentful than you already are.
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Old 10th July 2011, 5:26 PM   #22
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Thanks again for all the helpful comments - especially from those with similar experiences like Mauschen

I finally took the plunge yesterday and after another argument I called my mum to tell her that he had cheated on me in the past and that I want to divorce him. I haven't told her the full extent, like the drinking and coming home in the mornings, for her own protection! But she is still being very supportive and listening. I explained to her about his crappy finances and the fact he saves nothing and I am always bailing him out even when I'm not working and she is sympathetic that this is not a good quality for a husband or a possible father. She thought that he had been helping me out so was surprised to know the truth.

Having spoken to him, he's said that he understands why I want to separate, and he accepts that he is the one who has been causing the problems. We were both unhappy. I told him that I tried to make it work and accept everything, but unfortunately he has pushed me to my limits - he completely agrees - which is really saying something.

So I guess it is agreed. I'm staying with my family for a few days and he will move out soon. I have to say this feels right - I'm not regretting the decision and I'm excited about moving on with my life... it may not have hit me fully yet, but I feel I'm moving in the right direction...
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Old 10th July 2011, 5:39 PM   #23
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mrsgrump,

I am glad you've taken the plunge. For me, I went through a lot of different phases regarding the divorce including feelings of freedom, and then being scared of the unknown, regret, and then all of those all over again.

At this point, a few years later, I am married to a responsible, loving man who is a good husband and stepfather. I still mourn the loss of my first marriage at times, but mostly because of the difficulties of raising children with an ex. I do not regret leaving my ex at all and once my children are grown, I plan on never talking to him again (can't wait!).

I am glad your husband has taken responsibility (if you can call it that) for the downfall of your marriage at least. Hopefully he will make the divorce easy on you because of that.
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Old 10th July 2011, 5:47 PM   #24
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How about private investigator? You wl know if he's cheating or excessively drinking etc
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Old 10th July 2011, 5:48 PM   #25
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Sorry didn't read all the posts.. Read your first one and jumped on an answer.
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Old 11th July 2011, 6:49 PM   #26
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Hi

I thought about a PI or following him myself, problem is that I can't always predict his nights out.

Previously I thought about making him take a lie detector test before we carry on with our marriage, so at least I could be clear that he had not cheated again which would give me some trust... but now that I've already made moves towards leaving, getting rid of him completely seems like a much better option.

I know he has a tendancy to lie and cover up his actions - even if he hasn't cheated I know in future there would be things that made me wonder if he was lying and why. I don't want to doubt everything my husband says.

My friends are being supportive - and those who I hadn't previously told about the cheating etc were shocked and also wondering why I've put up with it for so long.

All I can say is that love is blind and when you're the third person, things are always much clearer. When you're the one in those shoes it's easy to be blinded by love and wanting to see the good in the person you care for... but at the end of the day everyone has to make a choice about their future. I'm so glad to have realised this before having children and being bound to him forever!!

Mauschen, thanks again for your advice and I'm glad to know there are happy endings. I know divorce isn't the end of the world - and at the end of the day I couldn't do much worse than what I already have so things can only get better!

I have so many things to get on with in my life and I'm really feeling relieved about leaving. Maybe I'll feel other things at some point, but I've thought about this pretty much since I found out he cheated - which is pretty much the whole of my marriage!

It's a sad situation but it is all his loss. Admittedly I made things too easy for him but he still took me for granted. And at least I can look back and say that I did try to save my marriage - it was definitely him causing the problems and not taking the marriage seriously. But at some point enough is enough.
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