Do I HAVE to invite her to my wedding?

[Lollypoppy]

My FH (future hubby) and I were talking about our wedding guest list. One of his friend's wife and I do NOT get along. She's spread untrue gossip about me, excludes me from activities and openly expresses her hate towards me. I have done NOTHING to her, except be nice which she calls me fake (whatever). In general, she cannot be happy and does not have girlfriends - her only friends are her husband's friends (including my FH) who are guys. While I do not hate her, I definitely do NOT want her in any of my events - birthdays, dinners, get togethers tec.

 

FH still hangs out with his friends including the friend's wife, I just choose not to come when she's there...which is all the time. For me she is just an unnecessary source of

BS

and I won't tolerate her rude behavior.

 

The problem is, this will be OUR wedding. I've told him this is the happiest day of our lives, and I do not want someone trifling there. Someone who has openly expressed hate for me and I feel no need to have her involved in my life- ESP not on such an important day. FH saids he understands, but he won't invite his friend without inviting the friend's wife. I do feel badly if FH's friend isn't there, but I also do not want to deal with the friend's wife.

 

So

here I am, looking for outsider advice. I don't know what to do. Am I being petty and should just suck it up and let the FH invite whoever, including the awful trifling friend's wife? I am conflicted, feel selfish and badly if FH doesn't invite his friend, but I also want my happiest day to be my happiest day!! What should I do??

[TinaniT]

How large will your wedding be?

 

 

How overt is she?

 

If it were a large wedding and she was more catty, then I would just sit her far away. Be the classier one and don't let her get to you.

 

If it's smaller; certainly do not waste a spot on her.

[Lollypoppy]

It will be a small destination wedding of about 20-30 ppl max. It will be very costly for us since we are paying for each guest's hotel, and I don't want to waste resources on someone I don't even want there!

[TinaniT]

It will be a small destination wedding of about 20-30 ppl max. It will be very costly for us since we are paying for each guest's hotel, and I don't want to waste resources on someone I don't even want there!

 

 

Then no way in hell! And you have a great excuse to boot!

[Lollypoppy]

Well the problem is FH and this friend are all part of the same group (6 close friends and their SO). So if the friend and wife isn't there, his other friends will probably question.

[Finch]

It shouldn't matter whether people will question it - it's not about what his friends think, it's about the two of you. You need to find a way that both of you can be happy about the guest list. He does have a right to have his friends there, but he should also respect the fact that you do not enjoy the company of this woman and should not be forced to endure her on your wedding day.

You're having a small destination wedding. 20-30 people is not a lot. I am assuming a significant portion of those invited will be family. Out of those who are not, why not only invite the people you both really want to be there? Don't spend money on someone you don't like. You could then have a party when you get home to celebrate with people who weren't invited to the actual wedding.

Just a suggestion!

[Afishwithabike]

A wedding is your day. It's the bride's day to shine. Only invite people with whom you want to share that day. Only invite people who will be happy for you. If you don't want her there, don't invite her. She sounds like an awful based on what you've said. Don't invite people who bring the drama.

 

Who cares what the others will say? You're supposed to endure her presence on your wedding to keep up appearances? I don't think so. On any other occasion, I would probably tell you to suck it up and just be cordial, but on your wedding day you get to decide who is there and who is not. I think how you two handle this issue is going to be important and telling for how you handle other conflicts in your marriage.

[RepairMinded]

Well the problem is FH and this friend are all part of the same group (6 close friends and their SO). So if the friend and wife isn't there, his other friends will probably question.

 

You should not invite the woman whom you do not feel is a friend. Obviously you can't invite her husband either.

 

It's no one else's business who is or who is not on your guest list. It is a serious breach of ettiquette for anyone to even ask you about it.

 

But if someone does ask, simply say: "We decided on a very small wedding and had to make some very tough choices regarding the guest list. There were a lot of people we would have liked to have invited but just didn't have room to include everyone."

 

If some of the others in that crowd get wind that "you know who wasn't invited," I'm sure they'll know why--she's not a very pleasant person and they are probably well aware of it (as is her husband no doubt). I'm sure that won't stop anyone else.

[RepairMinded]

FH still hangs out with his friends including the friend's wife, I just choose not to come when she's there...which is all the time. For me she is just an unnecessary source of BS and I won't tolerate her rude behavior.

 

Based on this you have a much more serious issue then who to invite to the wedding.

 

I would sit down with your fiancee and have a serious talk about why he feels it necessary to maintain a friendship with someone who is so nasty to you that you are forced to exclude yourself from social events involving her.

 

It seems to me that as he is your future husband, not just a boyfriend any longer, it is time for him to "man up" and have a serious talk with his friend and the evil wife about her behavior, and make it very clear that if you don't feel welcome in their presence, neither does he.

 

Your husband should NOT be hanging out with so much with people who make you feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. It is BAD for your relationship and your marriage.

 

Not knowing anything else about the people involved, I would even suspect that your fiancee and this woman might have some kind of a "history" together. (Not to say anything is going on now; but it would explain her hostility towards you.)

 

I truly hope your fiancee is not trying to fight you on this guest list. These are not close relatives who "must" be invited; they are just friends, a woman who is overtly hostile towards you, which your fiancee up to now has been completely insensitive towards.

 

This whole issue needs to be worked out BEFORE not after the wedding.

[RepairMinded]

In general, she cannot be happy and does not have girlfriends - her only friends are her husband's friends (including my FH) who are guys.

OK this woman is serious trouble. No girlfriends, only guy friends indicates the type of woman who "chases." My guess is even if she doesn't have any history with your fiancee, she has a "thing" for him, and probably has designs on him, which is why she is acting so b*tchy to you.

[Star Gazer]

If you're already going to be paying for her husband's hotel room, which she'll be staying in, you can't use cost as a reason to exclude her.

 

Is he in the wedding party? How close is he and your H?

[Lollypoppy]

Thank you all for your advice and feedback. I know for a fact they don't have a history, but yes she is ugly inside and out. The FH has confronted the friend's wife twice about her behavior and but she is so blind and insists she's right (for being totally awful and condescending? right..). Since January I've chosen not to be part of their activities that include her. He can't give up these group of friends because he only has a handful (6 to be exact), and one happens to be this friend with a crazy wife. And honestly I would feel bad bc other than her, everyone else is great. They're a group of cool people who I respect and get along with, I know how much these friendships mean to him.

 

It's kind of like a package deal, they all hang out together all the time. As for offending the other wives, yes she HAS offended a couple others - causing another couple to no longer be part of the group. I think she just does not like me bc I'm "New" and I'm "younger" so she feels she needs to put me in my place (bite me!).

 

Others have suggested I just invite them bc otherwise the group will have "bad blood" and I don't want my FH to be miserable.

 

I told him that she's not really his friend, and he said so himself that once the line was crossed - once she put me down and gossipped about me - he no longer considers her his friend. But the husband, is still his good friend, and they're always a package deal. I wish they would just move far far away!! How do you deal with the horrible people in your lives?

[sexywifey]

If he was you and one of your guy friends openly hated him and talked crap about him would he want this man coming to your wedding? Ask him that. I think no one should be at your wedding that does not like you and or your FH. Don't invite her. The guy friend can come but not with her, he should understand (and I am sure he is well aware) that this woman does not like you and therefore why would she even want to be at your wedding. Its you and your fiance's special day no haters allowed. Good luck!

[RepairMinded]

It's kind of like a package deal, they all hang out together all the time. As for offending the other wives, yes she HAS offended a couple others - causing another couple to no longer be part of the group. I think she just does not like me bc I'm "New" and I'm "younger" so she feels she needs to put me in my place (bite me!).

 

Exactly. That's a smart couple right there, and that's exactly what you and your future husband need to do, too. If leaving these friends behind is what you & your husband need to do, because they tolerate this behavior from this woman, then....that's what you and your husband have to do.

 

The marriage comes FIRST. That means you come first to your h and he comes first to you. Way before and way ahead of this entire group of friends. As a group they can't have too much going for them since they tolerate this woman's behavior.

 

It sounds basically like it's a rather immature group of friends from high school, college, or the old neighborhood who party/socialize together. That stuff is just not very important in the great scheme of things.

 

If you think you are having some difficulties over this now, just wait until after you've been married for a while, and your h still INSISTS on socializing with this group of "friends" WITHOUT you. You won't like that too much, but since you've established a relationship in which it's O.K. for your h to put his friends ahead of his wife, you're going to have great difficulty resolving it.

 

This kind of issue is very harmful to marriages. This is not a small deal and the wedding invitations are just the tip of the iceberg.

 

Your h's social life, first and foremost, has to include his wife.

 

These "friends" need to go. All of them, if need be--if they insist on socializing with the troublesome female included.

 

This is a serious issue which should not have been left to simmer and fester for so long and which you need to resolve before, not after, getting married. You need to find out why it is so darn important for your husband to hang out with people who don't like his wife, or at least tolerate someone who is abusive to his wife.

 

You see what happened with the other couple you mentioned? They're gone. They protected their relationship from this garbage which is what a healthy emotionally strong couple would do in that situation.

 

I can tell you as a married person I would not even hesitate to ditch a group like this. Disrespecting my wife???? Are you kidding me??? Those are not my "friends" by a long shot.

[whichwayisup]

Well the problem is FH and this friend are all part of the same group (6 close friends and their SO). So if the friend and wife isn't there, his other friends will probably question.

 

You call her and tell her point blank that she is invited to the wedding but if she gets out of line, says bitchy comments, causes ANY crap at your wedding, she's out on her ass. You two don't have to be friends, but you DO and SHOULD make the effort to co-exist and be pleasent .. Not only for your husbands sake and but also for yours as well.

 

Do the other friends feel the same way about her as you do? Or is she just like that with you?

[michelangelo]

You call her and tell her point blank that she is invited to the wedding but if she gets out of line, says bitchy comments, causes ANY crap at your wedding, she's out on her ass. You two don't have to be friends, but you DO and SHOULD make the effort to co-exist and be pleasent .. Not only for your husbands sake and but also for yours as well.

 

Do the other friends feel the same way about her as you do? Or is she just like that with you?

 

I agree with this entirely.

 

Just not inviting her H and she will be interpreted as bridezilla activity.

 

Clear the air!

[RepairMinded]

You call her and tell her point blank that she is invited to the wedding but if she gets out of line, says bitchy comments, causes ANY crap at your wedding, she's out on her ass. You two don't have to be friends, but you DO and SHOULD make the effort to co-exist and be pleasent .. Not only for your husbands sake and but also for yours as well.

 

Do the other friends feel the same way about her as you do? Or is she just like that with you?

 

Lolly the above is just horrible advice, most likely by someone who has never had to plan a wedding nor been involved in a situation like yours.

 

You'd have to be crazy to invite such a hateful person to a destination wedding. Once there, if she decided to try to wreck the wedding, make a scene, start a conflict--there's no way you'd be able to get rid of her. A person such as you've described is exactly the hateful sort who would be willing to do almost anything to ruin your wedding, or at a minimum, try to draw the spotlight onto herself with some sort of drama.

 

Add to that her supportive little "clique" of the other couples in this group, the fact that your husband already sides with her (and them) over you...and you are just courting disaster.

 

PLEASE do not invite this woman to your wedding, you will regret doing so for the rest of your days. Don't let ANYONE on a message board "guilt" you into doing something you know you shouldn't.

[D-Lish]

You can't get around this- if you invite your Husband's friend, you can't NOT invite the wife.

 

BTW, why are you paying for everyone? A destination wedding doesn't usually include the hosts paying for hotel rooms...

[sunshinegirl]

You call her and tell her point blank that she is invited to the wedding but if she gets out of line, says bitchy comments, causes ANY crap at your wedding, she's out on her ass. You two don't have to be friends, but you DO and SHOULD make the effort to co-exist and be pleasent .. Not only for your husbands sake and but also for yours as well.

 

I like this suggestion a lot. Take it one step further and get someone else attending the wedding (an uncle/cousin/brother) to serve as the enforcer.

[RepairMinded]

But the husband, is still his good friend, and they're always a package deal.

 

Well it's long since past time your fiance regard you and him as your own "package deal" and start acting that way--which he hasn't. Why is it that they are a package deal but you are not?

 

As his good friend, your husband should take the burden on his own shoulders to privately go to his buddy and say: "Look just so you know, the reason you and your wife are not invited to the wedding is because your wife has been such a b*tch to Lolly. I still want to be your friend but I am not going to take any chances that your spouse is going to do or say something inappropriate at the wedding. I don't consider your wife to be my friend based on the way she has bad-mouthed Lolly. Your wife has trouble getting along with other people as well."

 

If she/they try to cause trouble with the rest of the group they can go right ahead and try it, and your husband should man up and honestly explain why they weren't invited, if asked.

 

If your husband has such a problem stepping up to the plate for you over something as trivial as this then you have far bigger problems then the guest list at your wedding.

[RepairMinded]

I like this suggestion a lot. Take it one step further and get someone else attending the wedding (an uncle/cousin/brother) to serve as the enforcer.

 

The mere fact that this even has to be contemplated means the woman in question (and her husband of course) cannot and should not be invited. This is not some overindulgent uncle that you have to assign someone to keep away from the punch bowl (which is bad enough).

 

This is not a beloved relative or even a close friend with a few issues that might crop up due to alcohol consumption at a wedding. This is not a situation where two close relatives or friends, both of whom get along with the bride, but not with each other, have to be "managed." This is someone who has made herself into the bride's enemy, deliberately. This woman is not the friend of either the bride or the groom because she deliberately antagonized both over a period of time. You don't invite a person like that to your wedding, ever, for any reason, and therefore the spouse can't come either because they are a "package deal." But it was a package HE picked, not Lolly and not Lolly's husband. Lolly's fiance loyalty belongs to Lolly, period, not to the unpleasant woman nor her husband.

 

This is part of growing up, folks. When you get married it is 100% and anyone who can't get along with your spouse in this manner has to get cut out of your life. If the unpleasant person happens to be married to one of your friends, well, too bad for the friend. Lolly's husband, and I guess some of the posters here, need to learn that you don't let people like the nasty woman have their say and have their way with zero consequences. The penalty for being a nasty b*tch is that you don't get the invite. Period. End story.

 

Now I'm wondering why anyone tolerates this woman--I just don't understand how Lolly's fiance could hang out with these people without his soon to be wife and knowing how much this woman disrespects her. Either he is very immature or perhaps she is very physically attractive. Women who are very physically attractive sometimes can get away with having horrible personalities. It would explain why all her friends are men.

Edited June 22, 2011 by RepairMinded

[whichwayisup]

Lolly the above is just horrible advice, most likely by someone who has never had to plan a wedding nor been involved in a situation like yours.

You'd have to be crazy to invite such a hateful person to a destination wedding. Once there, if she decided to try to wreck the wedding, make a scene, start a conflict--there's no way you'd be able to get rid of her. A person such as you've described is exactly the hateful sort who would be willing to do almost anything to ruin your wedding, or at a minimum, try to draw the spotlight onto herself with some sort of drama.

 

Add to that her supportive little "clique" of the other couples in this group, the fact that your husband already sides with her (and them) over you...and you are just courting disaster.

 

PLEASE do not invite this woman to your wedding, you will regret doing so for the rest of your days. Don't let ANYONE on a message board "guilt" you into doing something you know you shouldn't.

 

Are you a fly on the wall in my life? I guess not since you don't know what you're talking about.

 

Also, I am NOT trying to guilt her into anything. HELLO, I gave her a SUGGESTION, that is all. WTF! I'm not guilting or forcing her to do anything so chill..out!

[whichwayisup]

You can't get around this- if you invite your Husband's friend, you can't NOT invite the wife.

 

BTW, why are you paying for everyone? A destination wedding doesn't usually include the hosts paying for hotel rooms...

 

Yes exactly.

 

Reverse the situation, say it was you who had a close friend and your H didn't like her, but liked her husband..And you couldn't NOT invite her, but your H insisted you not invite your friend and only invite the husband.. Or not invite them at all. HOw would you feel and how would you handle it/react?

Even more so since everybody else in the group you hang out with will all be at the wedding?

 

And I agree a destination wedding doesn't include cost of the hotel.

[whichwayisup]

I like this suggestion a lot. Take it one step further and get someone else attending the wedding (an uncle/cousin/brother) to serve as the enforcer.

 

Thanks SSG. And that's a great idea.

 

Another suggestion (if that's OK with RepairMinded..), talk to the other friends in the group and ask them to help keep an eye on this catty woman at your wedding. I'm sure they MUST know what type of person she is and don't want her to ruin your special day.

 

The other thing to do is invite only immediate family and when you come back have a big party and then the wench can come to that with her husband.

[D-Lish]

RM, she's already stated that the girl is ugly inside and out- I am picturing angry fat girl when she says that.

 

There is something you are not understanding though- this is a close knit group of friends- 6 couples to be exact. If she doesn't invite the WIFE of her Husbands close friend- SHE is going to be the bad guy. She will alienate herself and possibly her husband from his group of friends in the future. It's not worth it to take this stand.

 

By not inviting this woman that is a part of her husbands friend group, and the wife of one of his close friends... She'd be committing social suicide, for both her and her husband.

 

There is no way around this invitation. It has to be there. You can't alienate a spouse in this situation, no matter how much you hate them.

 

My MIL was an evil, angry, horrible bitch to me- and I had to invite her to my wedding. It's just politics.