Dull marriage

[Jas1456]

Hi everyone, first time posting.

 

I was hoping for some advice. I have been married to my wonderful wife for a little over two years now and it seems like each day gets worse. I work the standard 8-5 job, she works in a hospital during night shifts, lots of weekends. Needless to say we don't get to see a whole lot of each other. The time that we do spend together, is just spent watching tv now (only what she wants to watch ALL of the time). I do about 80% of the household chores. I always make sure her uniforms are ready and washed for work, but she hardly does anything for me. I also take care of the dog (that she just had to have and promised to take care of since I didn't like dogs to begin with).

 

She claims she is too tired to go out and do anything anymore because she is too tired from work. She has put on an extra 20 pounds since getting married. I want to go out and have fun. Go out for drinks once in a while or something but she is content with starting home all the time. Sex is the same, we always do it missionary with lights off. Everything is so blah anymore, it didn't used to be that way. I know you kinda settle after marriage but I can't stand coming home to just stare at the tv all day. There is no more excitement, we don't even have kids.

 

I am still in love with my wife but if things continue I am afraid that we will lose touch with each other and grow apart. I have discussed this before with her but it always gets turned back on me somehow so now I feel guilty even bringing it up. She also moved to the usa to be with me so I sort of feel I owe it to her. I don't know what to do, Im at the point of just checking out of the marriage.

[TigerCub]

Hey Jas,

 

I was initially going to post a big rant post with regards to how things always seem to change after marriage.

 

but then something occurred to me:

Maybe your wife is depressed.

 

That could explain:

- The weight gain

- The lack on interest in anything

- Feeling tired all the time

- Not doing much around the house

- The boring sex stuff could very well be related to her feeling self conscious due to the weight gain.

 

I'm so not making excuses for her - I certainly wasn't in the post I was initially going to make.

 

You mentioned that she moved to the states and you feel you owe her.

 

Well first of all, we all are responsible for our actions - you don't "OWE" her. She made a choice to move.

 

But maybe the move actually is contributing to her possible depression(?)

Where did she move from? Has she been back home since?

does she have any family in the states?

 

I think you need to actually see if she is in fact depressed. That could be a good starting point in addressing the rest of the issues.

 

I can certainly imagine your frustration, I would be pissed off too, if once I got married everything changed for the worst.

 

You say that she gets defensive and tries to turn things on you - maybe when you talk to her you can calmly explain that you are concerned and that if she is depressed you want to help.

 

If nothing at all changes and she's not even willing to talk to you or a therapist or anything, then definitely explain to her the gravity of the situation, that you are pretty much at the point of checking out and that there is no way the marriage can survive.

 

I may be over stepping my bounds here - but please please don't bring kids into an already strained marriage.

 

good luck to you

[Afishwithabike]

Hi everyone, first time posting.

 

I was hoping for some advice. I have been married to my wonderful wife for a little over two years now and it seems like each day gets worse. I work the standard 8-5 job, she works in a hospital during night shifts, lots of weekends. Needless to say we don't get to see a whole lot of each other. The time that we do spend together, is just spent watching tv now (only what she wants to watch ALL of the time). I do about 80% of the household chores. I always make sure her uniforms are ready and washed for work, but she hardly does anything for me. I also take care of the dog (that she just had to have and promised to take care of since I didn't like dogs to begin with).

 

She claims she is too tired to go out and do anything anymore because she is too tired from work. She has put on an extra 20 pounds since getting married. I want to go out and have fun. Go out for drinks once in a while or something but she is content with starting home all the time. Sex is the same, we always do it missionary with lights off. Everything is so blah anymore, it didn't used to be that way. I know you kinda settle after marriage but I can't stand coming home to just stare at the tv all day. There is no more excitement, we don't even have kids.

 

I am still in love with my wife but if things continue I am afraid that we will lose touch with each other and grow apart. I have discussed this before with her but it always gets turned back on me somehow so now I feel guilty even bringing it up. She also moved to the usa to be with me so I sort of feel I owe it to her. I don't know what to do, Im at the point of just checking out of the marriage.

 

I think you two would benefit from marriage counseling. Do you think she would be open to talking to a competent marriage therapist? You don't necessarily have to go to someone at the place where she works. You could try talking to a pastor at your church (assuming you go) if that makes it easier.

 

Sex with lights out in missionary position sounds boring to me. I've been married 11 years now and let me tell you it doesn't have to be that way. If it wasn't always that way with you both then I think you have a shot at regaining what you once had if she's willing to work through the issues.

 

She might have depression. She might have a low thyroid. A complete medical check should be done to rule out any medical causes for her weight gain (20 pounds isn't a whole lot, but still), fatigue, lack of interest in previous activities, etc.

 

She might genuinely be tired from her job. I can see how working at nights and weekends would take a toll on her energy levels. If my job was taking that much of a toll on me, my husband, and my relationship with him, I would look for another job. Is that a possibility for her - a new job?

[Scottdmw]

I think the others gave good suggestions. I'd also say that maybe it's worthwhile adding some excitement to your own life by yourself if she's not interested. Try to find a new hobby, sport, interest, or whatever that you can do either by yourself or with her if she's interested. Make a career move if that’s an option. Offer her the chance to come along with your new activity, but don't insist. Find something that you will really enjoy for its own sake.

 

If she has a problem with you doing even this, I would say do it anyway and leave the ball in her court.

 

You might find (possibly) that if you have some new energy in your own life she may even respond to that.

 

Best wishes

 

Scott

[laRubiaBonita]

night shift is hard, period.

 

it disrupts normal sleep and also can lead to weight gain- plus you are working when your body wantst to sleep and when you do sleep it os not as good as real nighttime sleep.

 

i think if she can geta different shift at work- it will help.

[crazycatlady]

night shift is hard, period.

 

it disrupts normal sleep and also can lead to weight gain- plus you are working when your body wantst to sleep and when you do sleep it os not as good as real nighttime sleep.

 

i think if she can geta different shift at work- it will help.

 

This .

 

And has she always been a home body? Some people like staying home.

[giotto]

my wife works shifts and night shifts and she is always tired too. It just messes up your head and your body. It's difficult to adjust. So, I think it's normal. Having said that, she must have a few days off, so maybe she could make an effort then. I'm afraid there is no helpful answer.

[whichwayisup]

Hi everyone, first time posting.

 

I was hoping for some advice. I have been married to my wonderful wife for a little over two years now and it seems like each day gets worse. I work the standard 8-5 job, she works in a hospital during night shifts, lots of weekends. Needless to say we don't get to see a whole lot of each other. The time that we do spend together, is just spent watching tv now (only what she wants to watch ALL of the time). I do about 80% of the household chores. I always make sure her uniforms are ready and washed for work, but she hardly does anything for me. I also take care of the dog (that she just had to have and promised to take care of since I didn't like dogs to begin with).

 

She claims she is too tired to go out and do anything anymore because she is too tired from work. She has put on an extra 20 pounds since getting married. I want to go out and have fun. Go out for drinks once in a while or something but she is content with starting home all the time. Sex is the same, we always do it missionary with lights off. Everything is so blah anymore, it didn't used to be that way. I know you kinda settle after marriage but I can't stand coming home to just stare at the tv all day. There is no more excitement, we don't even have kids.

 

I am still in love with my wife but if things continue I am afraid that we will lose touch with each other and grow apart. I have discussed this before with her but it always gets turned back on me somehow so now I feel guilty even bringing it up. She also moved to the usa to be with me so I sort of feel I owe it to her. I don't know what to do, Im at the point of just checking out of the marriage.

 

You need to talk to her, but in a loving and gentle way. Tell her you miss spending time with her. Start with small steps. Since she is so tired, why not hire a cleaning service or cleaning lady to come and give the house a total clean up..This way the house is easier to clean as you go.. Sometimes it's overwhelming when it gets messy and you don't know where to start.. Then, plan a spa day for the two of you. Sleepover at a nice hotel that offers a pool, hot tub, sauna and massages. Get romantic and have fun! You two need to reconnect as husband and wife. Otherwise it's just roommates and that will eventually kill off the love, it'll be like a brother/sister love.

 

Take a walk around your neighbourhood after dinner. Even if it's just 20 minutes, it's a start to help her lose weight and also spending alone time outside of your house.

 

Bring her flowers on occasion too, that will make her feel special.

[scaredandalone1223]

My husband worked shift work then all midnights for the first 7 years of our marriage. It was AWFUL!!! NEVER EVER AGAIN!!!

 

My oldest son missed out on so much with his dad. My husband did assist coaching on his 1st football team and tried to make it to all his little league games but things were so difficult for him. He often worked 7 days per week and while we were awake he was sleeping. On weekends when he would try to adjust and do something with us his body had a hard time with that. I was young and just couldn't understand WHY if you are off can't you just rearrange your sleep schedule to do something with us. It wasn't that he didn't want to his body just wasn't a willing participant.

 

He worked hard to make sure we were provided for and those long nights open doors for where he is now but in many, MANY ways it wasn't always worth it. When we finally got to the point he could change jobs he was willing to take a pay cut, a major one if necessary, to get his life back.

 

Our youngest has always known a dad who got up every morning, went to work and is home for supper and you can tell the difference.

 

Ask ANYONE who has EVER worked a night shift job or had a spouse that did and they will tell you the same thing. In some cases in has to be done but it is far from ideal, especially to couples who have only married a short time.

 

As far as suggestions I do not have many other than to try to persuade her to swap jobs if that is possible. I wish I had some great words of wisdom on things you can do to help her feel more motivated but from everyone I've ever known in your situation the story is the same. You just have to put your marriage first and push through it the best you can and hope like hell she's not still working these hours when you start a family.

[TooManyShoes]

You sound like you love your wife, but are simply unhappy with the way your marriage is. Now, I've never been married, so you don't have to listen to me.But, as someone who has seen plently of marriages fall apart in my family and as the self - crowned queen of bad relationships, my advice is- fight for it.

The best of doing that? Its very simple- be honest. Tell her you can't look after her dog. Tell her she is putting on weight and you are concerned. Tell her you love her and want her. Tell her you want to spice things up- do something a bit shocking like buying her some really sexy outfit or handcuffs. Its a good hint, trust me;) Every separated couple I know, at some point have asked each other- Is that how you felt? Well, why didnt you say something?!.

So dont make that mistake. Tell her. Fight with her if you have to. But drive the point home. She loves you, she'll want this to work as well. The truth is harsh, but in my opinion, its the only way to make it work. If you can gather the courage to be honest with your wife, and she loves you enough to listen, you dont need a shrink. You have been honest with yourself. Now be honest with her. Trust me, its liberating.

[make me believe]

\Its very simple- be honest. Tell her you can't look after her dog. Tell her she is putting on weight and you are concerned. Tell her you love her and want her. Tell her you want to spice things up- do something a bit shocking like buying her some really sexy outfit or handcuffs. Its a good hint, trust me;) Every separated couple I know, at some point have asked each other- Is that how you felt? Well, why didnt you say something?!.

So dont make that mistake. Tell her. Fight with her if you have to. But drive the point home. She loves you, she'll want this to work as well. The truth is harsh, but in my opinion, its the only way to make it work. If you can gather the courage to be honest with your wife, and she loves you enough to listen, you dont need a shrink. You have been honest with yourself. Now be honest with her. Trust me, its liberating.

 

Yes! I don't buy all of these "depression" diagnoses -- I think she has just gotten comfortable and LAZY. Sit her down & have a serious talk. Tell her you are very unhappy with how your marriage is right now and insist on shaking things up. If she is too tired to do anything because of work, then she needs to change her job situation. Less shifts, different shifts, whatever. How many hours a week does she work? I agree with scaredandalone that your marriage should be her #1 priority and if her job is interfering with it that much, something needs to change.

 

I don't know what to do, Im at the point of just checking out of the marriage.

 

Maybe this is what she needs to hear in order for your feelings to get through to her. Tell her this, but offer up some solutions as well so she doesn't feel like you are attacking her. Sometimes when somebody is "too tired" to do anything, they really just need a kick in the pants to get going. Suggest small things, like walking the dog together after work or on weekends, activities you can do at home instead of sitting in front of the tv, etc. Plan a nice date and tell her you've made reservations at xyz restaurant and that you are looking forward to getting all dressed up with her.

[nandesuka]

Some people are just homebodies, but dayshifter, you just said she works hospital and night shift. I'm night shift in a hospital too. Tons of weekends, holidays, etc. You gotta realize how much harder night shift can be on some people. And add on the constant hospital stress where if you make a mistake, YOU CAN KILL SOMEONE. (I'm assuming she has patient contact/care work here and not just janitor or security type job w/ no patients). Nights also work shorter/skeleton crews vs days too if you didn't know, adding to the stresses already present at her job.

 

When does she sleep? I used to go out with a dayshifter and that just SUCKED! If you want to see them, you have to sleep in the morning/ early afternoon and you can only go out and do stuff after they are done with work... AND THEN the night shifter still has to go to work. Do you know how hard it is to go out tiring yourself prior to going to work a demanding patient care job? Does she work 8's 10's or 12 hr shifts? Because frack, if she's doing 10's or 12's, that just kills the night shifter day right there. No going out, nothing, nothing but sleep and relax/downtime on the day before and after worknights. Same for the 8hr workers, but very much definitely for the 10-12hr workers.

 

Are you willing to go out and about at 2-6am in the morning on your work days when she's off? That's what you're asking of her, you know. Do you sleep at night, wake up in the morning all refreshed, then go to work? Nice, isn't it? Now try going to sleep at 6pm, wake up at 12AM midnight on her night off, go out or just stay up watching tv even... and then go to work. See how you feel at work then and realize what your asking of her.

 

Sorry for the rant but dayshifters can really sometimes tick me off at their lack of understanding of night shifters. :mad:

 

Deal with it and try to understand her side too. Maybe you can suggest she get a diff shift. IS she looking for another shift? If she is, be patient as these things can take a while depending on profession, experience, and market saturation (this recession doesn't help either). or maybe you can change shift to eves or nights too if that's possible? I've known people who have changed off of nights because of how important it was for them that their spouses wanted to spend more time with them. Explain this to her and see how she feels about it. FYI, night shift gets paid more than their dayshift/eves counterparts, so if she changed off of nights, be sure your finances can handle this (this could be anywhere from a few grand to a 20% loss in $$/year depending on her night differential).

 

Can she request a certain day off ahead of time? You guys can actually try to plan date nights like this. Trying to get a weekend off might be tough for her depending on staffing and/or seniority, so could you request certain day off here or there to be off on the weekday/night when she is off for 'date night?'

 

As far as the weight gain, how do you guys eat? Some people gain weight on nights so a healthy diet is even more critical. Maybe you two can start exercising together. Grab some P90x or taebo. This could actually energize her prior to going to work! This would help with the weight gain too and gives you something fun to do together. Also, do you have to only do stuff with her to be happy with life? I mean, do you have any hobbies, etc. that you're into that can be done without her so her homebodiness doesn't get you down too? If not, time to look for one. Cars? Photography? Loveshack?

 

Just my $0.02... Good luck dayshifter...

[NeverDated]

ight shift is brutal. It kills your spirits. I've never worked it, but seen how it affects my family members who work 4-40s. Otherwise rational people suddenly become suicidal maniacs.

 

Look at your complaints about her. She's failing to do the one thing women are biologically hardwired to do: nurture. She doesn't care about the house, her pet, her appearance, or you. If she just didn't care about you, your marriage has a problem. Since she doesn't care about anything, something is seriously eating her.

 

Be patient with her. Wives aren't stupid, so she KNOWS that you're losing interest. And that knowledge is just one more thing that spins through her head. Remember, most women can't compartmentalize the way most men can. Instead, our problems are a big jumbled mess that distract us from life.

 

If you're feeling that way about your relationship, she's feeling that way. You need to talk about it and find out why she's shutting down. I was always very open with my ex-husband about how I felt, but he would shut down and bottled it up. Maybe our marriage would have worked if we'd talked more - who knows, but it's worth trying.

[nyc_guy2003]

This sounds a lot like how I was feeling a few months ago. Given that I live in NYC, I have a lot of single friends my age who are going out every night, dating models, partying in the Hamptons, etc. And I felt like my life was comparatively boring for many of the same reasons as the OP's:

 

-wife works long hours as an attorney

-I do almost 100% of the household chores, partly because I am OCD about cleanliness and want things done my way

-our daily routine became very routine -- wake up, go to the gym, go to work, come home and eat dinner, sit around watching tv for an hour or two and then go to bed

-even weekends were kind of blah -- Saturdays wake up, shower, sex, lunch, follow wife to the office so she can catch up work that keeps piling up, order in at night, watch a movie, and go to sleep. Sundays repeat again.

-we have sex pretty frequently but over the last few months it's been for the purpose of procreation, so similar to the OP we mostly only did it in missionary to keep the sperm inside her

-wife didn't get fat but she did get out of shape and a little soft around the edges

-with the prospect of having kids within the next year or two looming overhead, I felt like we were just letting life in NYC pass us by, especially since we had the time and financial means to live it up now while we were young and childless.

 

A few weeks ago I actually decided to do something about it, so I took the following steps:

 

-Upgraded both of our wardrobes, including new sexy dresses for her that show off her body, some of which are so tight that she can't wear underwear which makes her feel even more sexy

-Started becoming more disciplined about going to the gym -- instead of going 2-3 times a week, we now go 4-5 times

-Make it a point to go out every weekend night, Friday through Sunday, and do something that would require us to dress up and look nice which boosts both of our self esteems. We also stopped going to all our usual hangouts and restaurants and are deliberately trying new neighborhoods and scenes that are out of our comfort zone.

-Made sex a little less routine, such as not coming until we've done at least 3 different positions, watching ourselves in the mirror, etc.

-Drew up a wishlist of activities that we want to do that require us to be social, such as taking a language class, going to wine tasting events, etc.

-Planned big trips including getaways to Canada, London, Paris, the French Riviera, and Hong Kong all in the next 6 months

 

All these little things have definitely helped break the routine and made life more fulfilling.

[giotto]

This sounds a lot like how I was feeling a few months ago. Given that I live in NYC, I have a lot of single friends my age who are going out every night, dating models, partying in the Hamptons, etc. And I felt like my life was comparatively boring for many of the same reasons as the OP's:

 

-wife works long hours as an attorney

-I do almost 100% of the household chores, partly because I am OCD about cleanliness and want things done my way

-our daily routine became very routine -- wake up, go to the gym, go to work, come home and eat dinner, sit around watching tv for an hour or two and then go to bed

-even weekends were kind of blah -- Saturdays wake up, shower, sex, lunch, follow wife to the office so she can catch up work that keeps piling up, order in at night, watch a movie, and go to sleep. Sundays repeat again.

-we have sex pretty frequently but over the last few months it's been for the purpose of procreation, so similar to the OP we mostly only did it in missionary to keep the sperm inside her

-wife didn't get fat but she did get out of shape and a little soft around the edges

-with the prospect of having kids within the next year or two looming overhead, I felt like we were just letting life in NYC pass us by, especially since we had the time and financial means to live it up now while we were young and childless.

 

A few weeks ago I actually decided to do something about it, so I took the following steps:

 

-Upgraded both of our wardrobes, including new sexy dresses for her that show off her body, some of which are so tight that she can't wear underwear which makes her feel even more sexy

-Started becoming more disciplined about going to the gym -- instead of going 2-3 times a week, we now go 4-5 times

-Make it a point to go out every weekend night, Friday through Sunday, and do something that would require us to dress up and look nice which boosts both of our self esteems. We also stopped going to all our usual hangouts and restaurants and are deliberately trying new neighborhoods and scenes that are out of our comfort zone.

-Made sex a little less routine, such as not coming until we've done at least 3 different positions, watching ourselves in the mirror, etc.

-Drew up a wishlist of activities that we want to do that require us to be social, such as taking a language class, going to wine tasting events, etc.

-Planned big trips including getaways to Canada, London, Paris, the French Riviera, and Hong Kong all in the next 6 months

 

All these little things have definitely helped break the routine and made life more fulfilling.

 

great! Just wait until you have kids...

[Dust]

This sounds a lot like how I was feeling a few months ago. Given that I live in NYC, I have a lot of single friends my age who are going out every night, dating models, partying in the Hamptons, etc. And I felt like my life was comparatively boring for many of the same reasons as the OP's:

 

-wife works long hours as an attorney

-I do almost 100% of the household chores, partly because I am OCD about cleanliness and want things done my way

-our daily routine became very routine -- wake up, go to the gym, go to work, come home and eat dinner, sit around watching tv for an hour or two and then go to bed

-even weekends were kind of blah -- Saturdays wake up, shower, sex, lunch, follow wife to the office so she can catch up work that keeps piling up, order in at night, watch a movie, and go to sleep. Sundays repeat again.

-we have sex pretty frequently but over the last few months it's been for the purpose of procreation, so similar to the OP we mostly only did it in missionary to keep the sperm inside her

-wife didn't get fat but she did get out of shape and a little soft around the edges

-with the prospect of having kids within the next year or two looming overhead, I felt like we were just letting life in NYC pass us by, especially since we had the time and financial means to live it up now while we were young and childless.

 

A few weeks ago I actually decided to do something about it, so I took the following steps:

 

-Upgraded both of our wardrobes, including new sexy dresses for her that show off her body, some of which are so tight that she can't wear underwear which makes her feel even more sexy

-Started becoming more disciplined about going to the gym -- instead of going 2-3 times a week, we now go 4-5 times

-Make it a point to go out every weekend night, Friday through Sunday, and do something that would require us to dress up and look nice which boosts both of our self esteems. We also stopped going to all our usual hangouts and restaurants and are deliberately trying new neighborhoods and scenes that are out of our comfort zone.

-Made sex a little less routine, such as not coming until we've done at least 3 different positions, watching ourselves in the mirror, etc.

-Drew up a wishlist of activities that we want to do that require us to be social, such as taking a language class, going to wine tasting events, etc.

-Planned big trips including getaways to Canada, London, Paris, the French Riviera, and Hong Kong all in the next 6 months

 

All these little things have definitely helped break the routine and made life more fulfilling.

 

That’s a lot of traveling. How the heck did she get that much time off?

[nyc_guy2003]

That’s a lot of traveling. How the heck did she get that much time off?

 

We're both pretty senior on the corporate ladder so I have 5 weeks vacation and she has 4 weeks. And these trips aren't going to be like massive 4 week deals, more like 4-6 days per location.

[powerplay]

I take your mind back to your vows "For Better or Worst"

 

Now life in general is a challenge you have ups and downs, relationships are not different you have a problem you just need to learn how to apply the right strategy. Now what work for one person may not work for you.

 

So be patient and loving through this dilemma.

 

Here Are 5 Steps To A Turn Around.

 

1. Get inside your wife head.

Communicate with her, get inside her world, Find out whats going on in her head she might me depressed, stressed, "possessed just kidding".

So Talk to her in a gentle and calm manner.

 

2. Empathize with her.

Be genuine about it because ladies can easily detect whether or not your are being real. Let her know you understand and complement her for the hard work she is doing. whatever pain she is feeling you should feel it too.

 

3. Look at the world through her eyes.

As the husband you must try to see things the way she sees it.

 

4. Re position.

Now you made mention that the both of you work, do you work enough money to support the both of you. or is it vital that she works. If you are working enough money then I would suggest that she quits her job and get another job that less demanding. no amount of my is worth your happiness.

 

5.Move Forward.

Don't allow this to continue any longer, do a paradigm shift, and take your relationship to a new level of love, admiration, and romance. Spice up your marriage, there are over 100 over love making positions to be explored and many more to be created.

 

Hope this helps

Edited July 9, 2011 by powerplay
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