Spreight Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Hi all, I am new here and I joined because I felt I needed a place to vent and get feedback/advice. I have been with my partner for 12 years so it’s a long story that I will attempt to shorten and concentrate on the immediate problem. He has a quick temper, he is moody and is extremely jealous; I have over the years tried to work through these things with him and there has been some improvement but it can get difficult at times. When he is unhappy with something he sulks and does not talk to me and this can go on for a very long time. The longest period was 6 months, living in the same house, not talking simply exchanging a few words. I try my best not to annoy him or make him uncomfortable in any way so as to avoid the sulking… this is very hard and it feels like I a treading on egg shells. The hardest part is that he does not tell me what I have done wrong or what has annoyed him so I start combing through what I have said, done, who I have talked to etc. trying to find out what the problem is. Most cases I never find out and even when things get back to normal he does not revisit the issue. When In a good mood, he is very caring, gentle and loving; he smiles, laughs and makes jokes. He is very kind and charming and friendly and we have had very good times when he is like this and I feel very loved and secure. But these moments are numbered and often do not last for very long; I go to bed hoping the following day will be the same. Example: Things have been good since October last year, we went on holiday in December and I was starting to feel comfortable and secure. Then bang last week on Tuesday he comes home in a good mood I was on a Skype call with my sister and he kissed me hello and made a joking comment “who is this you are chatting with?” I told him and he even saw that it was my sister; he could even hear our conversation. He went upstairs to change and when he came back downstairs his mood had changed, it was like a dark cloud had just appeared and covered the clear blue sky. He has not talked to me since then and we have gone back to being passer-by’s in our house. I sent him a text saying I was sorry for whatever I had done wrong; he ignored it. Another time (around Apr last year) we were going through one of his sulking spells, this was one of the long ones and I had to travel for work in between. When I was away he started telling me how much he misses and that he can’t wait for me to get back home. I wondered why when I was at home he did not want to talk to me and behaved like I did not exist yet when I was away he behaved like he missed so much and wanted me back. When I asked him this he could not give me an answer. I am not sure what to do; I have tried so much over the last 12 years to make him feel secure. I have not been unfaithful to him, on the contrary he has been unfaithful to me (a story for another thread), but still he suspects me constantly. I can’t even start explaining this situation to a friend because our friends only know his good side and because his mood swings are only directed at me I am afraid people might think I am making it up. Sorry guys for the long winded story. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Hi Spreight, welcome to LS. Sorry to hear your partner is so difficult. He is being emotionally abusive and he will continue to behave this way until you make it very clear that what he's doing is unacceptable. Abuse is not just about shouting, name calling and physical violence. If he is stonewalling on a regular basis then he his being passive-aggressive in order to control you and that's abuse. He clearly has a problem dealing with his emotions but he has no right to take that out on you. Do you know if he was abused, either emotionally or physically, in the past? His 'temper', jealousy, mood swings, affairs and passive-aggressive attempts to control you, plus his otherwise charming, caring and loving side, are all signs of narcissism, especially if you are the only person who ever sees his bad side. Do some research into NPD and see if you think this is similar to your partner. He may have narcissistic tendancies. If so, there's a very good website www.narcissismcured.com. It's run by a couple who were in a similarly abusive relationship (although he was also physically violent). They are not medically qualified in any way and as a result the site is a little 'amateurish' but I am sure you would find it helpful. I'm not in any way connected to these people but I have a history of abuse myself and an interest in abusive relationships. Their website offers, I believe, the most helpful strategies for dealing with an abusive person. The fact that you feel unable to talk to your friends because they only know his good side is a common feeling for someone in your situation. If your partner has been behaving this way towards you 'behind closed doors' for 12 years, he 'knows' he can get away with it because you haven't said anything for so long. One of the first things you should do is tell a close and trusted friend. Tell them the whole truth about what your partner has been doing and how long he's been doing it. His behaviour needs to be exposed and you will need as much support as you can get if you want your relationship to become healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Kivu Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 First of all, hugs to you, you are very patient and this is a crappy thing to deal with. Second, what do you do when he goes all silent like this? It appears that you just let him be silent and you walk around him. I do not know if this is the best thing to do, but this is what I do: My mom is like this sometimes. She'll give me the silent treatment for days or weeks. I just shrug it off. My husband will do this, and I will not let it rest. He wants to have a sandwich? There I will be, asking him WTF is wrong, and just discuss it, damnit. He wants to go to bed? Then he has to talk to me. I don't put up with that crap in my relationship - I put up with a lot of other crap, but not that crap. The thing that's really funny about the silent treatment is the fact that they are doing it intentionally to hurt you. They know exactly how it feels. They want you to hurt as much as they perceive that you have hurt them. After you understand that you have power over them - I tend to laugh when my husband does it to me. You want me to hurt? **** you They also desperately want to shout at you for what you've done, and what you need to do it get them to the shouting point, and then that lances the boil and you can go on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spreight Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Hi LittleTiger and Kivu, Thank you both for your advice; it feels good to open up about this. I have always suspected that this behaviour is an emotional/psychological dysfunction but I did not know there may be an actual name for the condition; so thanks I will look in to NPD. I know for a fact that he had a somewhat unstable upbringing, parents separated when he was very young. His father picked him out of his other siblings and he grew up with him; only that his father brought countless women home all of whom he did not treat very well. So dad was a womaniser, some of the women he brought home were not exactly the kind that should be exposed to young children. Initially when I met my partner i got the impression that he did not think very highly of women and again I must say i really worked on this and he now has respect for women. But I am sure he is still emotionally scarred. In 2006 I opened up to a friend (her and her husband were good friends of ours). Unfortunately she took this very personally and immediately developed a negative attitude towards my partner. He was very angry at me because I told on him and he too cut ties with my friend and only continued seeing her husband until the following year when this couple moved overseas. The difficulty with the whole saga was that he (my partner) had until then been very nice to my friend. I then on was very cautious and kept my issues to myself, but our problems continued. I tried what Kivu has suggested; I became strict with him and demanded that he tell me what’s wrong, he ignored me for 2 months. It was also during this time when he was unfaithful, spent nights away from home and did whatever tickled his fancy. Then one day I took him out for dinner and told him I wanted out and I really had had enough. He then became so humble and begged me to stay, literally begged, tears and all. Well I stayed, but continued my strict regime… which did not turn out very well, he started saying I was too controlling and we ended up in big fights. Some very embarrassing, in front of friends, he became violent and I called the police on him. I got tired of shouting and fighting so now I try to keep calm until he gets over it. But this is affecting me big time; last year I was so down I thought I was going to lose it mentally. When things are good, everything is so normal and comfortable that I wonder whether I am in a different world altogether. I then forget the bad times and try as much to make the most of the good times…I know he knows he is hurting me, I wonder if he enjoys it or if he is sick. I sometimes think of leaving him but I know he does love me. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 First of all, hugs to you, you are very patient and this is a crappy thing to deal with. Second, what do you do when he goes all silent like this? It appears that you just let him be silent and you walk around him. I do not know if this is the best thing to do, but this is what I do: My mom is like this sometimes. She'll give me the silent treatment for days or weeks. I just shrug it off. My husband will do this, and I will not let it rest. He wants to have a sandwich? There I will be, asking him WTF is wrong, and just discuss it, damnit. He wants to go to bed? Then he has to talk to me. I don't put up with that crap in my relationship - I put up with a lot of other crap, but not that crap. The thing that's really funny about the silent treatment is the fact that they are doing it intentionally to hurt you. They know exactly how it feels. They want you to hurt as much as they perceive that you have hurt them. After you understand that you have power over them - I tend to laugh when my husband does it to me. You want me to hurt? **** you They also desperately want to shout at you for what you've done, and what you need to do it get them to the shouting point, and then that lances the boil and you can go on with your life. If getting aggressive with your husband works for you then that's all well and good but tackling aggression by becoming aggressive is not healthy in any relationship and can badly backfire - especially when the other person has a quick temper. If your husband just gives you the silent treatment - and that's all - then he's passive-aggressive which is extremely annoying but not usually potentially dangerous. Goading somebody like the man Spreight describes (which is what you seem to do to your husband) can get you into big trouble because, with someone who appears emotionally unstable and has a quick temper, it can escalate into something far more serious. Spreight is confused by her husbands behaviour which means she's never quite sure what to expect next. She describes walking on eggshells, which suggests she is, on some level, afraid of him. In this sort of situation, being assertive is good, being aggressive is definitely not. Relationships shouldn't be a power struggle. Loving your partner and supporting them is not about hurting them, getting back at them, swearing at them or fighting them for control. I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Spreight - everything you describe here points to NPD in my opinion. If you don't want to leave him there are other options. You have to be willing to work hard on yourself to become assertive and emotionally healthy. At the moment you are being co-dependent and allowing your husband to treat you badly but you do have the power to change the situation. You shouldn't passively take his abuse and nor should you become aggressive - you've already seen where that leads. Here's what I said over on the abuse forum about the same subject. I hope it helps. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3294855#post3294855 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3300224#post3300224 Link to post Share on other sites
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