1Rigger Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Hi there, I needed to vent and see if maybe I am right to be unhappy, or do I need to realize that as a woman she is different. I have been married for almost 5 years and have a 4 year old child. Here is my problem. I have a wife that I feel is very controlling and jealous. She always says its not me she doesn't trust, but other people. I try to tell her nothing will happen if I do not want it to though. That answer is not enough. She keeps tabs on my phone. She has the passwords to my email and my facebook(which she made me create because I didn't have, nor want one). I do not really have an issue with it cause I do not have anything to hide. But I do get upset over the 20 questions over anything she doesn't know about or she feels like is wrong. I feel as though I cant be totally truthful with her. When I tried to be, she didnt like the answers and it let to arguments. So now I just tell her what she wants to hear. When we argue, its over the dumbest stuff, and its a drawn out process. 2 hours over anything small. I end up just swallowing my pride and "being wrong" and just doing what it takes to end the fight. I feel like i have to bite my tongue so much, because if I express my self its the end of the world. Yet she will tell mee how she feels in a heart beat. She blackmails me with leaving, and divorce, and taking my son away from me. To be honest her leaving doesnt bother me, although I act like it does. But she uses my son against me an d I hate it. If we argue at 2 in the morning, she asks me to leave the house. I refuse cause I work and pay all the bills. I tell her I will go down stairs, and sleep there. That isnt enough, she wants me to leave, and when I refuse she says she will. The part that kills me is that when she decides to go, she wants to take our son with her. She wakes him up, no matter what time, and gets him ready and wants to take him in the car with her, while she is driving upset. I have tried to show her how freaking stupid that is. But to no avail. This is just a small bit of it. What is going on, what can I do. I lie and pretend to her and everyone I am happy But I am not. Every since she had our son she has let her self go, and physically isnot what she used to be. Truthfully, I dont mind really what she looks like, but when her attitude is so damn ugly, it really sets in with how she let her self go. Am i a male pig. Or is there something to all this????? Link to post Share on other sites
StrangeCanine Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Holy crap. That is rough, I would recommend leaving her ASAP. Its not going to get better, time to cut your losses and go. TRY YOUR HARDEST TO KEEP THE KID. Otherwise its going to be her weapon against you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 I wouldn't call that unhappiness, dude – I'd call it emotional abuse. Next time she starts in on you with the divorce crap, tell her you've already initiated the process by visiting a lawyer (actually talk to someone to see your options). I guarantee, she's only spouting this shxt so she can bully you, and if you steal her thunder, she's not going to know what to do because you deviated from the plan. remind her that your child is not a pawn, and if she has a problem, she needs to deal directly with it, not drag that baby into her cesspool ... again, tell her you've sought legal advice about yours and the child's rights. with a bully, you have to stand up and cut them off at the pass. It won't be pretty, but when she understands the balance of power has shifted from her possession, she'll either grow up or she'll create a situation so bad that she can't escape unscathed. While I hope it's the former in your case, don't be surprised if she tries to do something to hurt the relationship. am curious ... has she always been like this? Don't lie to her to avoid a fight. Just keep your answers short, honest and to the point. if she provokes a fight, tell her she's on her own, you're not interested in being punished for being a good husband and then walk away. Again, it takes the power from her hands and she's gonna have to figure out why. God willing there'll be an epiphany on her end! Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1Rigger Posted March 20, 2011 Author Share Posted March 20, 2011 What ever i do doesnt seem to make a difference. I have tried to say that I only stay with her for the child, but I know that is a cop out on my end. I am just not looking forward to the whole process of splitting up everything. I am unsure how she will react, and honestly it was just me being unsure. But here lately i think about it more and more and it just eats away at me. I guess I really was soft cause I wanted to make this work. I tried everything I could think of. I am not perfect and I have my faults and problems, but I just want to be happy. I know that she is not happy cause she has stated this b4, and i believe it. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 Quit being a wussy conflict-avoider, tell the truth, stand up for yourself and be a MAN. Gawd, I'm so sick of dudes lying and making nice and them blaming the woman for being an HONEST PERSON. Grow a pair, dude. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 She behaves like this possibly because she knows she let herself go and has no intention on doing anything about it. if she doesnt like the idea of exercising and is okay with the idea of gaining more weight, she knows this might not be attractive to guys in general and is projecting that onto you. If she has no plans of fixing her weight issues it will never get any better. Might as well bail out now. Link to post Share on other sites
asireen Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 You are correct. From your story she does appear very controlling. A child, even 4 years old, can recognize that the parents are not in harmony with each other, by watching your interactions. This does have an adverse effect on the child. Ideally, one should try to pull on till the child is much older, but in your case, it may be time to cut the losses and divorce her. Link to post Share on other sites
cdb Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I am a wife who can be very suspicious and jealous at times. I honestly I HATE it when I am. I also feel that I am very controlling. Maybe the two go together? It has never escalated to the point that you are experiencing but I would hope that one or both of us (especially me) would seek counseling before it got to that point. If you truly love her and want to keep your family together, get some help from a therapist together. If she refuses to go, at least go alone so that you can get some insight on how to "handle" these times she threatens and/or leaves with your son, decisions you need to make and the best way to handle them for your son's sake. Link to post Share on other sites
HelloPooja Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 You can buy Blueware mobile spy software from one of several websites. It's very easy to install and use, and I find that its price is very reasonable. Of course, as you would guess from something that has "spy" on its name, Blueware mobile spy software is completely invisible, so your employees will not know that you are monitoring them and you'll see how they behave "naturally." Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Be assertive in what you think, say and do. Tell her what you feel Tell her what annoys you Tell her what you'll do if she continues the annoying behaviour Follow through with the consequences if she the annoying behaviour You are as much a part of the relationship as she is and if she is hitting out in the fog you've created she feels no resistance and sees no clear direction. You will, either separately or together, benefit from you being assertive. It can be as simple as: - I'm annoyed by your shouting. - I'll not respond to being shouted at. Then, if she continues to shout, you ignore her. You go about washing the dishes, reading the paper, anything. You might even just look at her and wonder just how scary and messed up things must be in her head. She's acting like a spoilt child; treat her like one. Firm, clear and fair consequences. If she tells you to leave the house, tell her you won't and she is free to leave if that's what she wants to do. If she tries to disturb your son, get in the way. Block the doorway and protect your son from this turmoil. There are probably some underlying problems that have very little to do with you. Such as post-natal depression or even a gut bacteria imbalance. Who knows? But your first priority is (a) you and (b) your son. You can possibly help her, but not at you or your son's expense. Read up on being assertive. It will help you. Link to post Share on other sites
jeejee Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I'll tell you what I told my hubby - a person is only controlling when you allow it! And the more a person gets away with it, I think the worse it can get. I am sure it was always easier to let her do the things she did and act the way she acts, but now you are facing the consequences of that. And yes, you should absolutely be unhappy with things the way they are but its up to you now to get happy again and do what you need to do to get there! Yes, its going to be difficult but arent most things that are truly worth it! Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Quit being a wussy conflict-avoider, tell the truth, stand up for yourself and be a MAN. Gawd, I'm so sick of dudes lying and making nice and them blaming the woman for being an HONEST PERSON. Grow a pair, dude. Are you for real??? Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 What ever i do doesnt seem to make a difference. I have tried to say that I only stay with her for the child, but I know that is a cop out on my end. I am just not looking forward to the whole process of splitting up everything. I am unsure how she will react, and honestly it was just me being unsure. But here lately i think about it more and more and it just eats away at me. I guess I really was soft cause I wanted to make this work. I tried everything I could think of. I am not perfect and I have my faults and problems, but I just want to be happy. I know that she is not happy cause she has stated this b4, and i believe it. You're living with a psycho Rigger, she's a completely narcisstic and abusive manipulator. Nothing you do or say is going to change that. The child needs to be protected from her and it's not going to be easy. This is a living nightmare, and you need to think very carefully about a strategy to get out and try and save the child from her abuse. It's not going to be easy because of the criminal family courts stacked against men. Start by gathering evidence and documenting everything that is going on. Keep a log with times/dates and events. She's completely manipulating you and trying to emotionally disrupt you at every turn. You have to try and remain emotionally stable while formulating an exit strategy. Link to post Share on other sites
just_some_guy Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Do not engage in the arguments. If she keeps going, tell her to go **** herself and end the conversation. Next time she threatens divorce agree to it, toss her butt out the door, alone. If she needs money, tell her to go work the streets. See how she likes it. If she raises hell, call the cops. If she threatens you or strikes you, file charges. Report her to child protective services if she's messing up with the kid. You're a man. Demand respect in your own home. She's emotionally abusing you, the equivalent of physical abuse if you had beat her to a bloody pulp. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Are you for real??? I am absolutely for real! He said that he feels like he can't be completely honest with her or he'll end up having to deal with her unhappiness, so he puts her through 20-question games. It's a maddening thing for a person to go through, on HER SIDE of it, when you just want some information or some thoughts and the person you're with forces you to either DRAG it out of them or do without. The OP can fix this situation by first becoming completely open and honest and filling her in on his activities and feelings. To keep things from your spouse just because you don't want to deal with the ramifications, the emotions of your spouse, is just wrong, period. If there's something he is doing that he feels he must keep secret from her, then that's a clue he shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Then he can man up and demand that he be treated with some respect. Not necessarily by throwing her out on the street, but by refusing to engage in games. I really believe the games will stop once he becomes open and honest with her. She just seems to me to want to be intimate with her husband, and he's blocking her from that because he can't deal with her emotions. Women respect a man who they know tells them the truth! She's probably going crazy trying to figure out why he's not open with her...women think you're hiding something when you act like that, and they will try to find out. Hense the snooping. It doesn't sound like this guy has anything to hide, so why is he dishonest with her? I'm guessing he's like a lot of men and just doesn't want to have to 'deal with it'. That's lazy and weak, and no woman respects that. Link to post Share on other sites
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