People talking about my ex-husband in front of my husband!

[Mauschen]

I am now married to a wonderful, loving man, but people won't stop bringing up my ex-husband in front of my current husband.

 

I realize that an ex-husband never completely goes away, especially when there are kids involved, but the frequency at which people want to discuss my ex, his life, and my old life with him in front of my current husband is driving me (and my husband) completely insane. It seems like he is a topic of conversation at every party, work event, and church service. Some of the questions revolve around his culture, our past together, and how he behaves as a father to my 2 children. I don't understand why people think it is an acceptable topic of conversation (especially in front of my husband) and I don't know what to do about it. Have any of you had the same problem and what have you done about it?

 

Thanks for the advice!

[Stung]

I can sympathize with your husband.

 

I moved to a small-ish college town within a larger metro area in order to be with my husband and stepdaughter, and that town is where both my husband and his ex-girlfriend (my stepdaughter's mother) grew up. He and his ex-gf and most of his friends had all gone to school together starting in elementary school. While they didn't hang out socially anymore other than at their daughter's functions--and to be clear, my now-husband and his ex-gf had been broken up for five years, and she had married someone else and had another child with him, before I ever even met my husband--I was still weirdly regarded as an interloper by some. It was pretty obnoxious. We also used to bump into the woman herself and/or her friends pretty regularly, and it was always awkward when they all spoke to my husband and ignored me or gave me the stink eye. My own reactions were of course censored by my regard for my stepdaughter, so I worked hard at just grinning and bearing it. I only came to understand some of the dynamics behind our particular situation later, when I discovered that she had been talking about me to anyone who would listen, insinuating things that weren't true out of her own pathological issues with control/power. No idea if any of that applies to your own situation, but even if there's nothing so nefarious involved (something you should be grateful for) it's understandably grating simply to have the ex brought up and thrown in your face constantly by people somehow oblivious to all social niceties.

 

In any case, one saving grace in my situation was that most of my husband's actual family didn't like the woman, and weren't shy about letting me know they preferred me to her, which was kind of a schadenfreude salve on days when I was feeling particularly battered.

 

We ended up moving to an island. It's in the same metro area, which is obviously necessary because we have shared physical custody of my stepdaughter, but it's like a glorious fresh start because the controlling ex doesn't have her fingerprints all over it already. She's not the reason we moved here--we love it here for many reasons, and it's a great place to raise a family, and still fairly close to our own families--but having a body of water between us has turned out to be a nice perk. I realize of course that that's not a possible solution for everyone .

 

Also helpful was the simple passage of time. I am now much closer to my husband's family and his circle of true friends than his ex ever was, and as the years have passed and our lives have continued to entwine more richly, we've made our own friends and defined our own lives together, leaving that old life more or less in the dust.

[Mauschen]

Dear Stung,

 

Thank you for your response and sympathy. I'm sorry you've had to endure the same thing my poor husband is enduring now. I am happy to hear that the passing of time takes care of some of the rude questions.

 

Not only do I not want to discuss my ex with most people, my husband doesn't want to discuss him either. My family and close friends don't bring him up in front of my husband because they know it isn't ok with me. But some acquaintances I don't see often and people who have never met my ex want to discuss the ex with my current husband. They like to ask about child custody, how many days per week the kids see him, whether or not he is a good father, etc. They ask why we divorced and whether or not he has remarried (he had a 3-year long affair, I finally left him, and he married OW 5 months after our divorce - so not something I really enjoy discussing with people).

 

The questions are so frequent that my current husband doesn't even want to go to events or parties that we are invited to anymore (can't blame him really).

 

I am not sure what to say to these very rude people without being rude myself. I am at the point where I am going to tell the next person who brings up my ex in front of my husband that he/she needs to take a hike.

 

Thanks again for your reply.

[Stung]

Honestly, a certain amount of this is probably inevitable. Humans are social and curious animals. People think they are just catching up on your life, and asking questions about your kids is pretty harmless IMO--that will likely include custody arrangements.

 

It does sound like it's over the top in your case, and frequent. I can understand why that would irritate your husband. I might be wrong, but it sounds as though you are newly married and perhaps he doesn't feel totally secure in his position yet, which would greatly exaggerate his sensitivity to this kind of thing, also.

 

All you can really do is make sure he knows you're on his side. Drop out of a couple of your events and go hang out with HIS friends and acquaintances--maybe your social calendar is a little unbalanced. Questions about the children's schedules and well-being can be answered present tense, with stories about how well they are bonding with their new stepfather (assuming that they are). And when people are asking you about the past you're tired of dredging up, just shrug, take your new husband's hand, and say something along the lines of, "I'm not one to dwell on the past when I'm really enjoying the present."

[Mauschen]

Thank you again Stung,

 

You are right, we are newly married. Hopefully, in time, everyone will eventually have asked all the questions they wanted to know about my ex (I hope) and stop talking about him. My husband doesn't mind questions about the kids or logistics with visitation with the ex, he just doesn't want to constantly be involved in conversations about our past together.

 

Your recommendations are great. Unfortunately, even his friends like to ask questions about my ex. I will try letting them know I am not one to dwell on the past and see how that works.