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Ten year friendship... Six Year Marriage, Twenty Year Relationship...


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Old 9th February 2011, 8:03 PM   #1
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Ten year friendship... Six Year Marriage, Twenty Year Relationship...

I'm posting this in marriage and life partnerships since two life partnerships are involved here... mine and my best friend's.

I met him ten years ago... I was friends with his girlfriend, she introduced us... She used to just around and say "My boyfriend would love you."

They were in an open relationship (still are.) and they have four kids. At the time they have been together 12 years.

Through some certain circumstances, I ended up moving in with them for a while. It was mainly for convenience, I was looking for a place, they had an extra room and were looking to save some money.

Once I moved in, she though since she had someone else there to help out with the kids and the housework, that she would just do nothing. And all she did was sit in her room and smoke pot, watch tv and sleep. And during this time, him and I got really close. We were running the house together... We got the kids up for school and walked them there. We cooked dunner together every night and then did the dishes together afterwords. We took the kids to the park... We went grocery shopping... and when the kids went to bed we would sit and talk...

And... as expected, we started messing around. The first time was on New Year's Eve... I won't lie, he seduced me. He is ten years older then I am. At the time I was 22 and had only been with one person before him. I've been with others since... but he was the best lover I ever had, hands down. This continued for six months or so. And his girlfriend new about it then and didn't care.

While this was going on, I met the man who is now my husband. I knew I liked him a lot, and so I told my lover/roommate that the sex had to stop. He was fine with that. We stayed friends though.

Now, ten years later, we are still friends. We are still very close. I've been married 6 years. Him and his girlfriend have been together 20. My friend lived out of state for a while, but we still talked almost every day. My husband knows this, he also knows about my history with my friend. He isn't bothered by it.

Recently though... my friend moved back to my city... And right before doing so, he told me he is in love with me and always has been. He told me he thinks we are soul mates and the only reason he didn;t pursue something back then was because of our age gap. He has also said he would leave his girlfriend for me in a second if he knew I felt the same way. I don't... feel the same way, for the record.

He almost died back in September. I won't go into all the medical stuff, but he was in a coma for two weeks and in ICU. He says this is what made him want to tell me all this... He told me he had dreams about me while in the hospital... and he said at one point it was thoughts of me and thoughts of his kids that kept him going.

So... I don't feel the same way about him. I'm married and I love my husband. But, I have crossed the line a few times with my friend. I won't lie and play innocent. Last July I was feeling particularly low, him and I were talking in texts... and he wasn't very happy either about some things going on. Our text messages got way out of hand. I mean, this was borderline sexting. We both were drinking also... So, as of that night, I made the decision that I won't talk to him at length while inebriated.

I posted about this on another forum and got rakes over the coals... I was basically told what a homewrecker I am and that I am a monster because he has kids. Well, I have no intention of slitting up him and his girl. She is my friend too, remember.

She got really upset about a conversation him and I were having on facebook not too long ago... It was out in the open, on his wall. No hiding anything there. She told something I said way out of context. And it really couldn't have been more innocent. Him and I were talking about taking pictures out in this state park that is near here. And we were including her in these halfassed plans we were making. Basically we were talking about all three of us going out there to take pictures one day... since we all three have an interest in photography.

And now he's back in town... and him and I talk a lot. We are talking, dozens of texts a day, sometimes even more then that. There have been days where it's been up over a hundred texts a day.

I guess I am just looking for other people's thoughts on this... I feel really nostalgic about our past together. I am thankful I have someone in my life like him... And I don't want to lose this friendship. That's what I am more scared of than anything....
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Old 9th February 2011, 10:28 PM   #2
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if both partners were ok with it once, what has changed. a friendship is hard to find, if it involves sex and not breaking up families, then bonk like rabbitts and keep it to yourselves if the jealous other halves can't cope.
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Old 9th February 2011, 10:44 PM   #3
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Your H knows about the history and the friendship....but does he know about the current inappropriate communications? Does he know that the friend approached you about leaving his gf for you? About the sexting?

If not, he should. If you keep these confidences between you and the "friend", that is betraying your husband.

I question if you can truly be a friend to his gf--or to him, even--now that he's made his true desires clear. If she's getting upset about open conversations on FB, it probably means she has a feeling that something is going on....even just that his interest is with you. Are you really being a good friend if you encourage his interest, even if it is just hours of texting?
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Old 10th February 2011, 4:05 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by notsure15 View Post
if both partners were ok with it once, what has changed. a friendship is hard to find, if it involves sex and not breaking up families, then bonk like rabbitts and keep it to yourselves if the jealous other halves can't cope.
Well, I wouldn't say both partners were ok with it once. My husband wasn't in the picture when my friend and I were having sex. (Well, not until the very end anyway.) Basically, I met my husband, I really liked him, and I told my friend I didn't want to mess things up there, so we had to stop sleeping together. He said that was fine, but we decided to have one last romp that night. That was our last time.
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Old 10th February 2011, 4:21 PM   #5
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Your H knows about the history and the friendship....but does he know about the current inappropriate communications? Does he know that the friend approached you about leaving his gf for you? About the sexting?

If not, he should. If you keep these confidences between you and the "friend", that is betraying your husband.

I question if you can truly be a friend to his gf--or to him, even--now that he's made his true desires clear. If she's getting upset about open conversations on FB, it probably means she has a feeling that something is going on....even just that his interest is with you. Are you really being a good friend if you encourage his interest, even if it is just hours of texting?
If you mean how much we text when you say inappropriate communications, yes, he knows how much we text. He doesn't know that my friend has told me he's in love with me and that he would leave her for me... It's not even that I am trying to hide it. I just can't come up with the right way to bring it up. Not that it's an excuse, but my H and I don't see each other much. We have a good relation ship when we do see each other, but we both work at the same place... a machine shop where we each put in 50-60 hours a week. And we work different shifts. So... we really don't get much chance to talk. It has only been about a week since y friend told me this. So I am still digesting it myself...

As far as the sexting goes, my H kinda knows about that. I didn't go into detail, but I told him that I was a little drunk, and my friend was also a little drunk, and that things were said on both ends that crossed lines, and that I felt really bad about it. My H said he didn't care because we are all human and make mistakes, and he added that my friend lives 1000 miles away so it's not like anything was really going to happen. Because at the time, my friend lived on the other side of the country. That only happened once... I said the day after that I wouldn't talk to him anymore when alcohol is involved... and so far I haven't.

So... how should I go about telling my H how my friend really feels about me?

I have also questioned what kind of friend I am... believe me. Other people have said I've encouraged him, but I don't really know how. We've been friends for ten years... we haven't had sex in 8 years... most of our conversations are innocent, but still, people bond over conversation and being able to relate to one another... SO all the talking we've done has strengthened the bond I suppose.
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Old 10th February 2011, 6:36 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Blackened View Post
I'm posting this in marriage and life partnerships since two life partnerships are involved here... mine and my best friend's.

I met him ten years ago... I was friends with his girlfriend, she introduced us... She used to just around and say "My boyfriend would love you."

They were in an open relationship (still are.) and they have four kids. At the time they have been together 12 years.

Through some certain circumstances, I ended up moving in with them for a while. It was mainly for convenience, I was looking for a place, they had an extra room and were looking to save some money.

Once I moved in, she though since she had someone else there to help out with the kids and the housework, that she would just do nothing. And all she did was sit in her room and smoke pot, watch tv and sleep. And during this time, him and I got really close. We were running the house together... We got the kids up for school and walked them there. We cooked dunner together every night and then did the dishes together afterwords. We took the kids to the park... We went grocery shopping... and when the kids went to bed we would sit and talk...

And... as expected, we started messing around. The first time was on New Year's Eve... I won't lie, he seduced me. He is ten years older then I am. At the time I was 22 and had only been with one person before him. I've been with others since... but he was the best lover I ever had, hands down. This continued for six months or so. And his girlfriend new about it then and didn't care.

While this was going on, I met the man who is now my husband. I knew I liked him a lot, and so I told my lover/roommate that the sex had to stop. He was fine with that. We stayed friends though.

Now, ten years later, we are still friends. We are still very close. I've been married 6 years. Him and his girlfriend have been together 20. My friend lived out of state for a while, but we still talked almost every day. My husband knows this, he also knows about my history with my friend. He isn't bothered by it.

Recently though... my friend moved back to my city... And right before doing so, he told me he is in love with me and always has been. He told me he thinks we are soul mates and the only reason he didn;t pursue something back then was because of our age gap. He has also said he would leave his girlfriend for me in a second if he knew I felt the same way. I don't... feel the same way, for the record.

He almost died back in September. I won't go into all the medical stuff, but he was in a coma for two weeks and in ICU. He says this is what made him want to tell me all this... He told me he had dreams about me while in the hospital... and he said at one point it was thoughts of me and thoughts of his kids that kept him going.

So... I don't feel the same way about him. I'm married and I love my husband. But, I have crossed the line a few times with my friend. I won't lie and play innocent. Last July I was feeling particularly low, him and I were talking in texts... and he wasn't very happy either about some things going on. Our text messages got way out of hand. I mean, this was borderline sexting. We both were drinking also... So, as of that night, I made the decision that I won't talk to him at length while inebriated.

I posted about this on another forum and got rakes over the coals... I was basically told what a homewrecker I am and that I am a monster because he has kids. Well, I have no intention of slitting up him and his girl. She is my friend too, remember.

She got really upset about a conversation him and I were having on facebook not too long ago... It was out in the open, on his wall. No hiding anything there. She told something I said way out of context. And it really couldn't have been more innocent. Him and I were talking about taking pictures out in this state park that is near here. And we were including her in these halfassed plans we were making. Basically we were talking about all three of us going out there to take pictures one day... since we all three have an interest in photography.

And now he's back in town... and him and I talk a lot. We are talking, dozens of texts a day, sometimes even more then that. There have been days where it's been up over a hundred texts a day.

I guess I am just looking for other people's thoughts on this... I feel really nostalgic about our past together. I am thankful I have someone in my life like him... And I don't want to lose this friendship. That's what I am more scared of than anything....
Seems you have matters such as cheating on your husband you need to deal with rather than worry so much about your friends. Stop making excuses for your cheating and divorce your husband if you're not willing to reassure him you won't do that again.
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Old 10th February 2011, 10:30 PM   #7
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This is an easy one.

You tell your friend that you love your husband, are completely devoted to your husband, and would never cheat on him.

Your friend realizes it is a lost cause to pursue you.

Your friend probably--no, wait--definitely-- becomes less friendly and starts looking elsewhere.

Telling your husband the gory details isn't necessary, because you shut it down long before it gets out of control, or anything worthy of a confession.
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Old 11th February 2011, 5:42 AM   #8
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This is an easy one.

You tell your friend that you love your husband, are completely devoted to your husband, and would never cheat on him.

Your friend realizes it is a lost cause to pursue you.

Your friend probably--no, wait--definitely-- becomes less friendly and starts looking elsewhere.

Telling your husband the gory details isn't necessary, because you shut it down long before it gets out of control, or anything worthy of a confession.
I think my friend knows already that I won't cheat. He's not actively pursuing me...

You really think he would ditch me after ten years?
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Old 11th February 2011, 7:36 AM   #9
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I think my friend knows already that I won't cheat. He's not actively pursuing me...

You really think he would ditch me after ten years?
To tell you that he is in love with you, along with moving close to you, IS ACTIVELY pursuing you.

I don't know if he'd "ditch" you as a friend. But can you really be friends with someone who claims to be in love with you? I don't think so...they are always carrying hope around with them that one day they will get their chance.

You need your boundaries strict, else you could end up messing up your marriage if your H isn't comfortable with the situation.

Simply don't say or do anything that you wouldn't do in your H's presence.
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Old 11th February 2011, 9:26 AM   #10
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So... how should I go about telling my H how my friend really feels about me?
To me, that is big, juicy, "omg, you'll never believe what _____ said to me!" news that I'd tell H at first available opportunity.

This guy majorly propositioned you. From a standpoint of either loyalty to H, or "best friends who share all interesting news", how can you not tell him?
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Old 11th February 2011, 11:49 AM   #11
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This is why sex is so dangerous....

Read the OP and the one comment that pops out at me is how good the other guy was. He got you when you were 22 and naive/vulnerable. The open dysfunctional relationship he is in with his spouse also does not help.....

So really the question is, that while I think it is great you are not pursuing it, which is absolutely right, you had to say the sex with him was the best and here you must work with your husband to ensure he is the best and you are not drawn to the OM.

Should I jump to the conclusion that you would jump to the om if he did not have 4 kids?
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Old 11th February 2011, 12:05 PM   #12
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if you dont want to cheat you will have to avoid him because it seems like both of you really cant help yourselves around each other.

That said whats the point in telling your H? to achieve what?

Last edited by StoneCold; 11th February 2011 at 12:08 PM..
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Old 11th February 2011, 12:39 PM   #13
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That said whats the point in telling your H? to achieve what?
To grow closer to H through deeper trust and intimacy.

And, to show respect for her H and the relationship. She puts H first, and won't keep secrets for another man.

I'm curious, op, if another man (say, a coworker you were not remotely interested in) told you he was in love with you and would leave his wife for you--would you tell your H about that? Would it be difficult to tell him?

If it is different with this guy, why?
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Old 11th February 2011, 1:05 PM   #14
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Just say that since your married, your boundaries have changed? You no longer want to be flirtatious or have sex with him? They seem to be OK with it but a very few people aren't OK with this kind of open relationship! So you're normal in just wanting a friend.
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Old 11th February 2011, 5:07 PM   #15
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You're cheating and you know it. Tell your husband what you've been doing.
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