niko1999 Posted September 23, 2003 Share Posted September 23, 2003 He was talking to a freind of his online, that he hasnt spoken to for quite some time. Well, apparently, this freind of his is getting married. His freind asked "how about you? Are you or are you planning too" and his reply was, not anytime soon. As I tell my girl.... One day at a time. GRRRR it makes me SOOOOOO angry, I just want to cry. Taht is somthing you tell someone a few months into a relationship, not almost 14 months into a relationship. Im SO depressed. And I thought he was considering proposing.honestly, becuase we were at wal mart a couple of weeks ago, and we walked past the jewlery counter. Well, I stopped to look, cuase I always do. And he kept on walking, not realizing that I had stopped. I "absently" said aout loud, I like taht(referring to a ring). and He asked me what did I like. So I told him, "nothing" and he was like "is it a ring?" so he said he wanteed to see, and I showd him, a couple of different ones that I liked, and a couple of different styles that I liked. WE had gone and seen American Wedding, the third american pie movie, and when we got home, he tried on the ring that i had bought him a LONG time ago, just "to see". So one minute he has me thinking he is going to ask me to marry him, then he goes and says, "not anytime soon. as I tell my girl...one day at a ttime" I am just so frustrated with the situation. And I dont want to talk to him aobut it, becuase I am afraid of what the answer might be. But what am I supposed to do? I dont want to be in a relationship that is not going to go anywhere. But I dont want to be without him either. GRRRR! Thanks guys, if you read this all. Any ideas would be SO helpful Link to post Share on other sites
ilovemybabies Posted September 23, 2003 Share Posted September 23, 2003 14 months is NOT an eternity, hon. You are just getting to know each other. May I ask how old you are? Are you living with him? Not trying to be nosy, but I would like a clearer picture. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niko1999 Posted September 23, 2003 Author Share Posted September 23, 2003 I am almost 23, and he just turned 26. And yes, we do live together. At first it was during school break, when my parents moved to GA. And we are moving to another town at the end of November. It is just confusing I guess, becuase, here we are, making long term plans, and I get mixed signals, and then this happens tonight. I am just frustrated I guess. Maybe I read too many magazines, cuase they all say, "well if within a year, blha blah blah". Im jsut frustrated. Cuase I would love nothing more than to be married to him is all:) And I know 14 months isnt that long. It jsut feels like it sometimes, and someitmes I just wish I knew what he was thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted September 23, 2003 Share Posted September 23, 2003 I haven't posted anything in response to your previous threads, I don't think, but I feel extremely inclined to comment here. I ABSOLUTELY HATE HIM RIGHT NOW! I REALLY TRULY DO! Frankly, I understand that you're frustrated and in the moment, so to speak, but I certainly wouldn't want to marry ANYONE who hated me for ANY amount of time. Nor would I want to marry someone for whom I felt hatred, again, even for the briefest moments. Ask yourself why you want to marry this particular man. Marriage should not change anything in a relationship. It SHOULD be something more like a "logical next step." You will not change this guy by marrying him. You cannot expect him to modify his behavior just because he's married to you. Would you change yourself in a marriage? If you're inclined to answer "Yes!" then you are truly in the wrong relationship! Trust me when I tell you that although people can change, fundamentally, people do not change FOR other people. If they do, they end up bitter and feeling even more the fool for believing they could change themselves and make a difference to whomever they "changed for." Give your heart a chance to get through to you. It's trying to give you the truth. You've got to listen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niko1999 Posted September 23, 2003 Author Share Posted September 23, 2003 I dont hate him:) I was just that frustrated at the moment of typing that. I think it was more taht I hated his words, than him. Maybe I should edit that post:) Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted September 23, 2003 Share Posted September 23, 2003 mmmmm....sounds like you could use someone who takes things less literally than I do! Link to post Share on other sites
Author niko1999 Posted September 23, 2003 Author Share Posted September 23, 2003 NO, after I re read it, I saw where you were coming from. It sounded pretty harsh and immature. I was just going off how frustrated I was. Which is why I edited it. but that is ok about taking things too literally, I think I do too. I am probably taking THIS too literally, becuase that whole ring thing, if he wasnt interested, he could have kept walking, and not told me he wanted to see, right? I dunno. Link to post Share on other sites
GIZMO Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 If I were you I would ask him point blank what the deal is.. I am saying that because I was just in a 7 year relationship with a man that use to give me the same lines... He even purposed to me about one year ago, put money down on a hall... and guess what.. He just broke up with me.. He is 33 years old.. Do not ever wait for a man!!! You should really talk to your man and find out what the deal is.. If he gives you some cheap lines, like," honey, when the time is right I will put that ring on your finger", the you should look at him say you understand give yourself a month or so and if there is no ring, I would say move on.. Do not live on hopes that MAYBE one day he will marry you, because then you just may find yourself 30 years old or so and still single because you waited for that ONE man to marry you.. I hope you understand what I am saying, and good luck to you.. Just remember, things happen for a reason.... Link to post Share on other sites
MercyRose Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 I think what you need is some sort of assurance that you are both in the relationship with a possibility of marriage in the future if it works out. He may not be ready for marriage now but what you need to clarify with him is does he see you as a possible marriage partner someday in the future. Is that what he is working towards by being in a relationship with you. If marriage is not what he wants at all then you should consider leaving him and finding someone who has the same relationship goals as you. Not everyone wants marriage nor does everyone not want marriage I think what you want from the relationship some day in the future is very clear. I had the same discussion with one of my boyfriends when he kept asking me if I could see us married one day. My answer was 'I can see us married one day IF the relationship works out'. That is, my goals for being in our relationship were that I saw the possibility of marriage, that it wasn't out of the question, but that I needed to continue our relationship to see if he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and vice versa. I couldn't make any promises except that I saw it as a possibility. I did not want to be pressured into saying yes, I wasn't sure enough to say a yes, and if he pressured me for marriage at that time I might have broken up with him because I could not promise more than the possiblity and that I was warm and open to the idea and hoped our relationship would continue for a long time as lovely as it was before I could commit to such an important step. So don't pressure your guy, he may not be ready but its perfectly within your rights to know if the possibility of marriage exists. If I told my bf that I did not see the possibility of marriage for our relationship he would be perfectly within his rights to break up with me and I advise you to do the same if thats your bf's answer too. Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 If I told my bf that I did not see the possibility of marriage for our relationship he would be perfectly within his rights to break up with me and I advise you to do the same if thats your bf's answer too. I second this sentiment, and must compliement you, Mercy Rose, on how brilliantly stated it is! There is much wisdom in your words. It is heartening to know that there are people who have enough care and concern for themselves and the ones they are with to be able to say, "If our goals are different, please go find someone with whom you can share goals!" You must be a very strong and practical lady! In the frantic and hectic pace of the world today, the approach to most everything is hedonism. While I strongly feel that the occasional hedonistic act can be well worthwhile, it is absolutely imperative that there be clearer understanding by people of their own motivations before they decide to get too deeply involved with another person. Imagine for a moment if people chose to view marriage as a kind of business partnership from the start, with the romantic aspects of said partnership being but one of the many goals of maintaining the 'business' rather than the foundation upon which to leap into marriage. As I've said before, our culture is such that if it is not easy it is not worth our time. I would have to counter that logically by saying that marriage is NOT easy, and that it should not be so easy to have it done! If that makes me sound cynical, so be it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author niko1999 Posted September 30, 2003 Author Share Posted September 30, 2003 Mercy, thank you. Your advice was wonderful, and I have a feeling, that what you said with your boyfreind who wanted to get married, seeing the possibility, not totally ruling it out, is where we stand right now. TO not totally rule out the possibility, but to make sure things continue on a smooth course. And that actually sounds like probably the most mature, and rationale, thing to do right now. Thank you And I havent said a thing to him about it, since the night I posted this, and he has been SO sweet to me since. So I think that perhaps I overreacted, and that perhaps he was hiding something. SO we will just have to wait and see. Ill keep everyone posted back to me. And trust me, when he does (hopefully )pop the question, you guys will know about it Link to post Share on other sites
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