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Husband emotionally not there because of past fights


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During the first 2 years of marriage my husband and I fought a lot and had many stupid arguments. Some were his fault some were mine (we both are very strong-headed and stubborn). The fights were so bad that many times I mentioned divorcing or separating.The fights eventually stopped and we were able to work on a stable marriage. However, the fights have "scarred" my husband and he has completely "checked-out" emotionally. He used to be very expressive with his love, now he never tells me he loves me and seldom kisses me. He is not very talkative and prefers to do his own thing. I asked him the other day why he never showed that he loved me like before and wasn't more expressive and he said it's because the first 2 years were so hard on him that he created a "barrier" to protect himself and not to expect back the love we used to have.

 

Does that make sense? I'm trying to figure out whether I can do anything to "help" or do I just expect it will be like this forever? He's not cold or mean, just emotionally not there. It's been almost 3 years that the fights have stopped (although we still have an argument once in a while) and don't know for how much longer he'll be "scarred". Any advise is welcome.

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Hey Aroma,

 

From what you said, it seems like your husband is being distant because you kept threatening to divorce when you guys would fight. That, I'm sure is very hurtful and scary, and so now he's distant and becoming emotionally detached so that if you ever do leave, he's not as invested as he was before, and thinks that he wont be as hurt.

 

I know that the fights aren't as bad as they were, but he can't let himself relax because when he was openly loving, he was vulnerable, and then whenever you'd threaten to walk away, I'm sure that caused him a lot of fear and hurt, and now he's just afraid to put himself in a position where that would happen to him again. Its a defense mechanism (I know, because I've done that - not on purpose at first, but it just happened & then there was a time where I preferred to be emotionally unavailable to avoid getting hurt).

 

As far as your question of is it gonna be like this forever?

If these issues are not addressed, my guess is most likely.

Mainly because (I'm speaking from my own experience), being detached emotionally gives one a sense of being in control (ie. I wont let anyone get so close that they can hurt me again), and it becomes a comfort in way (although missing out on the closeness and intimacy and being vulnerable did make me sad at times, but in the end I'd rather not care and not get hurt, than put my heart on the line and have it get trampled).

 

So maybe you two need to discuss some issues in MC and talk about some of the past problems and your threats to leave, and maybe (if you really feel sure about it), you can assure him that you're not leaving, and that it was just the initial years of marriage (which from what I hear are some of the most difficult) and that you've grown and you know that you guys can get past anything without resorting to a divorce.

 

I think that MC would be your best bet to work through these issues with your H

 

Good luck

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I agree that MC might be helpful in your situation. However, you need to do more than just talk about the distance between the two of you; you need to do something about it.

 

Since you're posting here, I'm assuming that you are concerned about your husband/marriage and would like to make things better between the two of you. Since he has disconnected to an extent and seems "content" (although I doubt deep down he is truly content) with the distance, it will be up to you to get things moving in a positive direction.

 

Have you ever heard that phrase, "be the change that you wish to see in the world"? Well, change that to "be the change you wish to see in your marriage." Do things that will show your H that you care. It can (and should be) small things at first. Huge gestures might seem over the top to him initially and he might assume they are not sincere.

 

He might not notice or acknowledge your efforts initially. But with time and persistence on your part, hopefully he will see the changes you are trying to make in your relationship and in yourself and join you.

 

There are tons of books out there about the subject. I'm not a self-help book type of person so I can't make recommendations but I've seen other members talk about them. Perhaps they will chime in.

 

BTW, I have been in your situation. :eek:

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