It does get better... An Update, finally.

[Molley]

Wow… it’s been over 18 months since I last posted. I’ve been lurking on LS, sometimes commenting, but mostly trying to move forward with my life. But, because many of you helped me climb out of the mess I was in, I did want to post an update and say hi, and mostly, I wanted to give some perspective to an awful situation and give others, who are in the same boat as I was, some potential hope for their marriage. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=185299&highlight=molley

 

I know many BS’s when confronted with a WS and an A, will divorce, however I did not choose this route because I always felt my marriage was good and happy in the past. Also, once I started peeling back the layers of our relationship and really evaluating how we got to the point of an affair, although the decision to have an affair was squarely on the shoulders of my husband, how we got to that point really was both of our faults. Plain and simple, we didn’t take care of our marriage, we disconnected, we stopped sharing and caring, we took advantage of each other.... we were in the same spot so many other relationships on LS find themselves

 

So, what happened after June '09 and our first reconciliation? Well, wish I could say that we skipped off into the sunset and lived happily ever after. But no, that would be much too easy… It actually took me tossing him out two more times, lots of crying, yelling, breaking of glasses (in a rage, I broke all of his pint glasses... stupid yes, but oh, it felt so GREAT!.) Our final separation was because I had just grown weary of his “fogginess” and lack of wanting to make the marriage work, it lasted for about 2 months with me going NC and moving forward with my life. During the time we were separated (Aug ’09 – Oct ‘09), I finally found a job after searching for 5 months. Ironically, I returned back to the company I left 3 years before. Getting a job, helped me focus and regain some self esteem. Also, the separation, allowed my H to make a determination about the OW and come to terms with what it meant to him to leave his marriage behind and that finally jarred him out of his fog and MLC.

 

About the time I went back to corporate life, my H and I decided to try to reconcile again. This time it was different in that we both did the heavy lifting, not just me. He actually wanted the marriage to work. Still, it took until July 2010 for my H to click in and be fully present in our marriage. He finally came clean about everything, answered all of my questions.

 

So, it’s taken time, lots of care, and active participation from us both. In July ‘10, after not having any contact with the OW for about 8 months, because of work, he had to speak to her…. that’s when he broke down and told me how happy he’d become and the happiness stemmed from him realizing that he felt nothing for the OW. When he saw her, all he felt was shame, sorrow and guilt because he couldn’t figure out what he had ever seen in her and why he ever did what he did. That’s when I was able to let go much of my bitterness and sadness and focus better on our future together. I needed to hear those words. As it was mentioned to me a number of times, it’s a marathon and it takes time and baby steps to repair a marriage. We’re not yet fully there, but we are doing great. I know many felt that I did it all wrong, and maybe I did, but I did what I needed to do and I did what felt right to me.

 

Looking back, MC and IC was a total crock and waste of energy... sorry, didn't work for us, we tried 3 different people, none of them any good. I think a separation for us was the best thing. It gave me time to focus on me and it allowed me to get away from all the drama. I basically had to let go of my marriage in order to save it. Also, in the beginning, the BS will be the one doing most of the heavy lifting in the relationship because the WS isn’t worth a crap for anything at that point. And Reconciliation takes a very, very long time with many pitfalls. It takes a long time to reconnect for both partners

 

There are still times that I find myself being sad and wondering about our marriage, however those times are becoming less and less frequent. Unfortunately, my H was deployed back to the sandbox in early September, but we have continued to stay in close contact using Skype and IM. The time difference makes it a bit challenging, but we’re doing whatever we can to continue talking and remain connected. It’s working for us. And I’m happy I didn’t just dump the marriage. Love does return back into a marriage, you just have to nurture it, continually.

Edited December 7, 2010 by Molley

[hoping2heal]

Thanks for sharing such an inspirational story. Good for you for being honest enough to say that what led to the affair, was both of your faults because you both allowed such a disconnect in the marriage. Even if there had been no affair, your marriage would have been stale.

 

You did what you felt was best for you and no matter how it works out, I don't think you could call this decision a bad one. You got the life back in your marriage, maybe that's just for a few more years, or maybe it's for a few more decades. No one ever really knows how long they have with anyone, and that's on account of more than affairs. I think the time we spend happy in our marriages and connected to our partners - is the real success. Not just having X amount of years under our belt.

 

Betrayal can destroy and demolish a relationship. It can also, in the case of two willing people - make a bond that is twice as strong. Every person needs to do what is best for them at the end of the day. Congratulations on your success!

[kuma]

Molley, I remember your story. I'm so glad to hear your good news.

[frozensprouts]

I'm so very happy for you!

 

I hope things just keep getting better for the two of you

[What_Next]

It was very good of you to come on here and post this follow up. There are few happy outcomes around these parts. I also agree with you about IC and MC. Most on here toute it as a cure all. My experience with it is about the same as yours, a waste of time and money. In fact I have a session for tomorrow night with my wife and I highly expect it to be my last MC session. What a complete crock of s__t.

[Darth Vader]

Hey girl! I remember you. I hope it's working out great for you! Remember, if he should stray again, (God forbid!) there's better out there for you, and don't you forget it!

 

Also remember, his affair/s is 100% his fault, not yours! You can't control anyone but yourself, no one can force anyone to do anything.

[Snowflower]

Thanks for the update and best wishes to you and your hubby!