tammy Posted September 9, 2003 Share Posted September 9, 2003 Hello all, My husband and I have been married for just over a year. Early on he met a girlfriend of mine and immediately did not like her. I have my issues with her as well but her and I have been friends for over 15 years and are just going through some rough times. So I have shared these issues with my husband and he dislikes her even more! Okay, I can finally accept that he does not like my girlfriend - unfortunate - but that's okay. My issue is this.. everytime I mention her name, say I'm going to see her, etc. - he gets angry and stressed and speaks very negatively of her. It's very stressful for me and always causes a fight and we have been fighting for this during the last year and a half! I'm so tired of it! I explained to him that I felt it was unhealthy for him to constantly remind me how much he dislikes her, etc. and that my friendship is between her and me - that he really shouldn't care about it! He can't understand why I'm friends with her when I speak about her badly. I told him I still want to maintain the friendship and that we're just going through rough times - again - it's not his problem! I know he means well... doesn't like to see me get hurt by her but again - it's between her and me and should have no impact on our marriage - and it really doesn't. I know this is a common problem in marriages - where one spouse doesn't like the other spouse's friend and they fight over it. I'm desperately trying to find some online articles, advice, that I can share with my husband so he will know what I mean. Look forward to any help at all - before I go crazy! :-) Tammy Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted September 9, 2003 Share Posted September 9, 2003 I guess I'm confused. You speak of her badly and say it's because your friendship is going thru a rough time. If you are trying to work out this friendship, why are you still speaking badly of her? Must you keep this person as a friend if you have problems with her? Has your husband come out and told you that you must choose between him and her? Who brings her name up in conversation? You could just not say anything good or bad about this friend in front of your husband, and simply not talk about her. Agree to that and ask that he agree not to say anything about her either. She shouldn't come up in a conversation at all, unless it's you letting your husband know where you will be in case he needs to reach you or gets worried about you. I have friends that my husband doesn't care for (and vice versa) and we just never talk about them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tammy Posted September 9, 2003 Author Share Posted September 9, 2003 That was fast! :-) Thanks... I guess what I mean when I said that I speak badly of her I didn't mean it in the way you may perceive... I mean that I simply had a few things she did that upset me and shared them with my husband.. to get some advice, etc... big mistake! I don't generally just speak bad of her - that it not acceptable behavior - in my opinion - of a relationship. You may have a disagreement, etc. and need to discuss it with someone and then you resolve it and move on... not continuously speak bad of that person. Hope that makes better sense. :-) Okay, so with that said yes, for reasons I can't exactly explain, I still want to maintain the friendship with her... she is still speak to me despite some issues we have. And thankfully, no, my husband has not made me choose between her or him - he knows better than that and would never do that. It's difficult because one minute my husband hates her and can't understand what I see in her and the next moment he wants me to share my friendship with him so he can see this other side of her but then he is skeptical, etc. So I tend to agree with you, that perhaps the best thing is going to end up us agreeing to never discuss her, except for the practical times when he will need to know I'm with her. He knows that he may see her again at some point and can accept that but doesn't have to like it as he says. Now see, he has a cousin that I don't like at all, but anytime he discusses him with me I don't right away speak negatively, question their relationship, etc... I guess I was just trying to get this piont across to my husband... to stop questioning our friendship, etc. and just let it be.... it is what it is.... but yeah... mum's the word for sure when it comes to her and me from now on! Thanks again for replying! Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted September 10, 2003 Share Posted September 10, 2003 I can understand I think. When my husband and I were first married I would sometimes come home and vent about people at work. I might be angry or hurt sounding and since my husband was the only one right in front of me he bacame my sounding board. What I didn't understand at the time was that men (and I'm speaking in generalities here and will be bashed for saying this) are more problem-solvers than emoters and he just figured he needed to solve this problem for me. It would frustrate him when I would get angry at him for trying to "do" something when all I needed was for him to listen. Once we got that part straightened out we were okay and he didn't get frustrated or upset when I was venting, because he knew that no action was required on his part - except to listen to me. Link to post Share on other sites
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