Jump to content

Why am I having these Insane Urges to Jump Ship?


Recommended Posts

I'm 4 months pregnant now. I feel pretty okay and am looking forward to hopefully finding out what the baby is next week. :bunny:

 

I must admit that I have been having these insane urges to just jump ship on my relationship, with no real explanation as to why. I'm certainly on board here, we've been together for years and years now. We've weathered through plenty of the hard stuff, (his depression and diagnosis as bi-polar, work issues and issues with his adult child, my issues with my ex and settling custody of our sons) and we are still together. I'm planning a move to where my sons have settled, it will probably happen just after this baby is born and I have been having the insane urge to just go without him and be a mom on my own. That is so out of range for me as I tend to be so rock solid on my choices. I'm certainly committed to this child, (I would have had this baby had I not been in a relationship and had even considered a sperm bank if my spouse was not interested in having a child) and am overjoyed at the prospect of parenting him/her. I love my spouse. It's been between 8 and 9 years since we've been together. He still interests me, I find him attractive, I still admire things about him. What is wrong with me? Is it just pregnancy hormones or should I look deeper into this?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, since you have 'sons', you've been pregnant before so have a great source of comparison, even accepting that each pregnancy can be different in how you feel. My instinct is that the pregnancy is affecting your *feelings*, but you can still choose how to *process* those feelings.

 

Myself, I'd be talking with my spouse right about now. A healthy spouse wants to face challenges as a team member. Becoming proud parents is a life challenge and blessing I'd surely wish to be a part of, even with its rough parts. You were there for him during his challenges, so I'm sure he will be happy to reciprocate. Best wishes for a healthy and successful pregnancy :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Well, since you have 'sons', you've been pregnant before so have a great source of comparison, even accepting that each pregnancy can be different in how you feel. My instinct is that the pregnancy is affecting your *feelings*, but you can still choose how to *process* those feelings.

 

Myself, I'd be talking with my spouse right about now. A healthy spouse wants to face challenges as a team member. Becoming proud parents is a life challenge and blessing I'd surely wish to be a part of, even with its rough parts. You were there for him during his challenges, so I'm sure he will be happy to reciprocate. Best wishes for a healthy and successful pregnancy :)

 

Thanks Carhill. I will bring it up to him and see what he has to say, hopefully he won't let it hurt his feelings. I wish I could explain it more clearly to him when I bring it forth as an issue.

 

In my marrige I wanted to run like hell everyday, not just when I was pregnant (with very good cause), so I don't know what kind of comparison I could honestly make. :o

I don't recall having really up and down emotions with my pregnancies before but it's been about 10 years and my mind has faded a wee bit. I just don't know where this is coming from. Maybe an unwillingness to "share" a child? That's my first instinct. But something in the back of my head says there is something more that I need to focus in and think about it but when I try to focus in on it I feel like my head is intentionally shoving the answers further to the back. Sigh. Maybe it's just crazy hormones...

Link to post
Share on other sites

Talk with your doctor about this issue at your next meeting. I'll assume your spouse will be there with you to share the joy of girl or boy :) Perhaps you think this is the wrong time to 'bring it up', but I offer an alternative, sharing how you 'feel' without specific relation to a person. Talk about negative feelings; talk about ambivalence; talk about 'jumping ship' in the generic sense; share the perspective that you find these feelings 'insane' but otherwise are valid and honest feelings. Work through it. A good doctor has experienced this dynamic hundreds of times in his or her career and can offer a professional viewpoint. It's all confidential and a team effort, the goal of which is to bring another human life into a healthy and positive family life. I think your spouse is ready, willing and able. You're still with him and love him, and he you. That says a lot. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
strength-abounds
This is the beginning of the end of this relationship.

 

Yep. The gun has gone off and the horses are leaving the starting gate.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Talk with your doctor about this issue at your next meeting. I'll assume your spouse will be there with you to share the joy of girl or boy :) Perhaps you think this is the wrong time to 'bring it up', but I offer an alternative, sharing how you 'feel' without specific relation to a person. Talk about negative feelings; talk about ambivalence; talk about 'jumping ship' in the generic sense; share the perspective that you find these feelings 'insane' but otherwise are valid and honest feelings. Work through it. A good doctor has experienced this dynamic hundreds of times in his or her career and can offer a professional viewpoint. It's all confidential and a team effort, the goal of which is to bring another human life into a healthy and positive family life. I think your spouse is ready, willing and able. You're still with him and love him, and he you. That says a lot. :)

 

Discussing it with my doc and my spouse sounds like a terrific idea. My spouse of course will be there for our exciting discovery.

I'm feeling somewhat reassured, thank you. I do indeed love my spouse and he I. There is no real doubt that he will be a great father and myself a great mother and that we have a lot of richness to offer combined to the new life we are bringing forth. I think this may be some selfishness on my part to hog the baby to myself. I think me and my spouse need to have a very honest talk about what we are both interested in investing and where and how to share this experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
This is the beginning of the end of this relationship.

 

Well Woggle I certainly hope not. It would seem awfully silly to spend years together and commit to a child only to end things without real reason.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well Woggle I certainly hope not. It would seem awfully silly to spend years together and commit to a child only to end things without real reason.

 

I hope I am wrong but when women get these feelings it rarely has a happy ending.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I hope I am wrong but when women get these feelings it rarely has a happy ending.

 

I don't know that this is the typical situation. I don't have any feeling of 'the grass is greener'. When I feel this urge to bail it's never into another relationship but just to a life with me and baby, just the urge to run, go. It's weird and trying to explain it is tough. It's not even a thought process, it's more a gut reaction, a feeling of panic almost. Maybe it's some very late onset commitment phobia. But the more I think about it the more I suspect it ties into my ex getting primary custody of my boys and how hard it is to trust any person to parent with me and not steal my child. It's complicated.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Relationship claustrophobia, augmented by issues involving the ex. :)

 

How is the co-parenting going now, being that it is currently a bit long-distance?

 

BTW, as I know little of your backstory, any counseling in this milieu? As I often post here, *acceptance* was one of the largest behavior changes achieved by myself in MC, and it helps in a myriad of areas. Sure, there are still boundaries of what I'll accept, but within those boundaries, information and feelings *can* be processed differently. It's a choice.

 

Right now, you appear to acknowledge certain feelings but also appear to be processing them as out of your normal range of experience under the circumstances. Can you accept the feelings as valid but still choose to act on how you cognitively perceive your current circumstances? This presumes the feelings and circumstances aren't matching up well. For example, leaving your spouse to move closer to your sons and living alone with a new baby. You feel this impulsion to leave but does it match up with 'why' as healthy?

 

Talk with your doctor about this. S/he might have some resources for you to consider. In addition, there might be lifestyle choices you can make to mitigate any hormonal impetus for the feelings. Try different things and see what works, or not :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Relationship claustrophobia, augmented by issues involving the ex. :)

 

How is the co-parenting going now, being that it is currently a bit long-distance?

 

I like to say it's going okay, but really it's only okay if I meet the ex's demands and don't try to have any real daily input into my boys lives. I visit and they visit me. I love the boys and they love me. I have come to accept that as the way it is and what's easiest for my kids lives. But when it comes down to it things just are the way they are and I have very little control over that. That's just the dynamic that works out in some co-parenting situations. I am grateful for the time I do have with my boys and am thankful for it. We'll have to see how it works out once I get moved. There is a lot of stress over the move.

 

BTW, as I know little of your backstory, any counseling in this milieu? As I often post here, *acceptance* was one of the largest behavior changes achieved by myself in MC, and it helps in a myriad of areas. Sure, there are still boundaries of what I'll accept, but within those boundaries, information and feelings *can* be processed differently. It's a choice.

 

I have been in personal therapy for the last couple of years, once a week. My therapist is a descent one. I have accepted the way things are with my boys and myself and the ex. It does not have to be fair or right but just whatever keeps my boy's lives smoothest. Therapy was what led me to have the strength to decide to parent again. I love being a mother and I'm missing out by having little input into my boy's lives and I made a decision that I have interest in raising a child and really, time gets shorter every day.

 

Right now, you appear to acknowledge certain feelings but also appear to be processing them as out of your normal range of experience under the circumstances. Can you accept the feelings as valid but still choose to act on how you cognitively perceive your current circumstances? This presumes the feelings and circumstances aren't matching up well. For example, leaving your spouse to move closer to your sons and living alone with a new baby. You feel this impulsion to leave but does it match up with 'why' as healthy?

 

The feelings and circumstances are not matching up well. Cognitively I know I am lucky to have my guy. I am not typically a 'feely' person, and make very few decisions without thinking too long and too hard about them. It would be very unhealthy for both myself and baby to run away from it's dad. In reality it would be theft from my child.

 

Talk with your doctor about this. S/he might have some resources for you to consider. In addition, there might be lifestyle choices you can make to mitigate any hormonal impetus for the feelings. Try different things and see what works, or not :)

 

I will talk with my doc. I'll bet they have some helpful advice. Thanks Carhill.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just remember that your ex and your current guy are two very different people. I know this is not the same thing because there are no children involved in my case but for the longesr time I got urges to leave my wife and go live the single life and I even broke off our engagement once. Those urges have almost gone away these days because I realize she is very different from my ex and the only thing they have in common is being female. Try to start seeing your current guy in the same light. He is not your ex.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Just remember that your ex and your current guy are two very different people. I know this is not the same thing because there are no children involved in my case but for the longesr time I got urges to leave my wife and go live the single life and I even broke off our engagement once. Those urges have almost gone away these days because I realize she is very different from my ex and the only thing they have in common is being female. Try to start seeing your current guy in the same light. He is not your ex.

 

I have not had any problem keeping the past and future relationships separate before. My guy is a great guy, anyone would be lucky to have him. This is like some crazy maternal instinct wrapped up with my past. I will for sure take your advice and I'm very happy to hear you are settling into marriage well Wog.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe but I do think the fact that you creating a family with this guy has brought up some subconcious feelings. Without kids it is fairly easy to get out but now you have a tie to him and I think that is bringing up some in the back of your mind.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Maybe but I do think the fact that you creating a family with this guy has brought up some subconcious feelings. Without kids it is fairly easy to get out but now you have a tie to him and I think that is bringing up some in the back of your mind.

 

Maybe. I will think some more on this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Tink, I don't know about you but when I get hormonal I respond emotionally to something that has been bothering me anyway--but my response is about 100x more powerful than usual.

 

Forgive me for bringing up a past threat, but if I recall correctly, your former partner took off with the main custody of your sons against your wishes, and you struggled for some time to reconcile yourself to the fractured nature of your parenting experience. Honestly, it doesn't surprise me that you're having a knee-jerk emotional response of rising fear, now that you're pregnant again. My guess is that your maternal instinct to protect your new baby and your rising hormones are all mixed up with your fear of losing another child, of having your mother-child bond severed again. I'm sure you love your partner, but right now your subconscious also sees him as a potential threat to your motherhood.

 

IMO, you should tell your SO about your conflicted feelings and fears, and consider getting some counseling so you can work through this together without a wall of subconscious fear forming between you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have been in personal therapy for the last couple of years, once a week.

 

Great. That's a long time. Would you consider taking a short hiatus from IC to do some MC with your spouse, perhaps with the focus of forging greater unity and team connection during this time? When you say you aren't typically a 'feely' person, does that mean you have difficulty in communicating these emotions you feel to your spouse? If so, perhaps a MC could help with that, and also help your spouse better facilitate that dynamic. Improve on a good thing :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Tink, I don't know about you but when I get hormonal I respond emotionally to something that has been bothering me anyway--but my response is about 100x more powerful than usual.

 

Forgive me for bringing up a past threat, but if I recall correctly, your former partner took off with the main custody of your sons against your wishes, and you struggled for some time to reconcile yourself to the fractured nature of your parenting experience. Honestly, it doesn't surprise me that you're having a knee-jerk emotional response of rising fear, now that you're pregnant again. My guess is that your maternal instinct to protect your new baby and your rising hormones are all mixed up with your fear of losing another child, of having your mother-child bond severed again. I'm sure you love your partner, but right now your subconscious also sees him as a potential threat to your motherhood.

 

IMO, you should tell your SO about your conflicted feelings and fears, and consider getting some counseling so you can work through this together without a wall of subconscious fear forming between you.

 

You have the past threads right. I suspect the same Stung. It's probably my past fears all mixed up hormonally with my maternal instinct. I am for sure going to discuss this with my S/O and my doc and my therapist. I know my emotions in this matter are not 'right thinking'.

 

My emotions revolving around my mother-child bond being severed have never been resolved, (I don't think they can be. I still kind of think I may go a bit crazy if I dwell on it.) but there is acceptance of the situation as it is. Maybe I should be farther along in that process, but I don't know.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Stung's post shed a lot of light on the situation.

 

I was going to say that sometime in my third month of pregnancy I had feelings of wanting to leave my husband or wished that he would find someone else and leave me. It was definitely pregnancy hormones. They were totally bizarre feelings that came out of nowhere and then disappeared just as quickly a few weeks later. It does not mean, as Woggle said, that it's the end. It certainly wasn't the end! Once the feelings were gone the rest of pregnancy went fine in the emotional department with my husband... until after the birth and my hormones went nuts again! ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Pregnancy hormones.

 

Please, no matter how strongly you may feel now, wait til a few months after the baby is born before you make any drastic decisions. Then, if you still feel the same way, at least you know it isn't just the hormones jerking you around.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Great. That's a long time. Would you consider taking a short hiatus from IC to do some MC with your spouse, perhaps with the focus of forging greater unity and team connection during this time? When you say you aren't typically a 'feely' person, does that mean you have difficulty in communicating these emotions you feel to your spouse? If so, perhaps a MC could help with that, and also help your spouse better facilitate that dynamic. Improve on a good thing :)

 

I think MC to strengthen our relationship is a good idea. I think that in general both myself and my spouse live in our heads and don't get really wrapped up in our emotions or express them very much. I think it would be healthy to find a path to express these emotions to each other in a way that is comfortable to us both. It could be a healthy change.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Stung's post shed a lot of light on the situation.

 

I was going to say that sometime in my third month of pregnancy I had feelings of wanting to leave my husband or wished that he would find someone else and leave me. It was definitely pregnancy hormones. They were totally bizarre feelings that came out of nowhere and then disappeared just as quickly a few weeks later. It does not mean, as Woggle said, that it's the end. It certainly wasn't the end! Once the feelings were gone the rest of pregnancy went fine in the emotional department with my husband... until after the birth and my hormones went nuts again! ;)

 

Thanks Alma. I don't think it's the end. Well, unless the hormones ramp up hugely and I go temporarily insane. I just don't remember being this emotive during my 20s when my boys were born.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Maybe it is not the end. I know I am a big pessimist in situations like this and I assume the worst.

 

I tend to be an open pessimist/closet optimist so I understand completely. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...