The Silent Treatment

[SummerLady]

My SO has a tendency to do this when he is frustrated or upset. Not just when he is mad at me, when he is mad period. Right now he is not very happy with one of his kids. I know kids can be frustrating and I know he is annoyed but ignoring me solves what. My fear is this is a harmful dynamic. Knowing myself well this could be very deadly. He knows this makes me upset. I am not saying this happens 3 times a week but at least twice or 3 times a month. I know in some way I am a willing participant as it keeps happening. What can I do here? Thanks

[desertIslandCactus]

On the 3 or so times a month, is it for a long period of time?

 

I think this is more prevelant with men than women.. We talk about things .. they keep problems inside.

[SummerLady]

1 day maybe 2....

[make me believe]

Giving the silent treatment for 1-2 days 2 or 3 times a month is a LOT in my opinion. It's totally ok to take some time alone to cool down, gather your thoughts, etc. But giving everyone the silent treatment for two days because your kid annoyed you? That's an immature reaction, and could be dangerous to your relationship. Has he made any effort to change this behavior? I am not really sure what to suggest to you, but I just know that this would REALLY not be ok with me.

[You Go Girl]

Is he punishing you with the silent treatment?

Or is he cooling off/gathering his thoughts?

 

One is destructive, one isn't.

 

Maybe he feels he would blow up if he talked right now.

 

So after the silent treatment is over, ask him?

 

Does he blow up when the silent treatment ends? Is he able to work through it, or does it just gather steam?

 

You could try notes. "I would like to talk to you when you are ready." type of thing.

[SummerLady]

Is he punishing you with the silent treatment?

Or is he cooling off/gathering his thoughts?

 

One is destructive, one isn't.

 

Maybe he feels he would blow up if he talked right now.

 

So after the silent treatment is over, ask him?

 

Does he blow up when the silent treatment ends? Is he able to work through it, or does it just gather steam?

 

You could try notes. "I would like to talk to you when you are ready." type of thing.

 

 

He is usually fine afterwards and claims he needed time for himself to cool down BUT I do not think this is healthy to do, I do not like it and I want it to stop...Short of an ultimatum, what do you do...I did text him and was nice in the text, no reply...NOTHING like I don't exsist.....This is the first time he has ignorned my texts, ususally he will reply to those..I feel very hurt..

[quankanne]

sometimes, it's the ONLY way a person feels *is* the right way to deal with a situation, because they understand just how bad it could get if they were to let their feelings go unchecked.

 

at this point, it's not so much about what you think is the right or wrong way for your husband to respond, as it is to maybe help him find other ways to respond. Maybe a counseling or marriage enrichment course will help him see that different situations merit different responses, and that it's okay to do something other than just zip up for a few days.

[Mr. Lucky]

Giving the silent treatment for 1-2 days 2 or 3 times a month is a LOT in my opinion.

I got a chuckle when I read this because I was just about to post that 2-3 times a month isn't a lot if it's his nature to internalize things (not that I'm right and you're wrong MMB ). Everybody has their own way of working through issues and it may be that your perception that he's punishing you needs to be examined as closely as does his perceived lack of communication. Perhaps change is needed by both of you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

OP, one the surface, his frequency sounds unhealthy, but, if consistent, that is his 'style'. It's up to him to want to change it.

 

Myself, I saw my father swallow a lot of frustrations in life, not our home life, but rather from outside the home, and such internalization took a toll on his personal habits and health, IMO shaving years off his life.

 

My style, mindful of that socialization, is to get it out and work it. Not always pretty and not 'objective', but rather open and 'out there'. The process opens pathways to resolution as well as acceptance. This is a lesson I've learned from women in how they deal with anger and frustration. Since they still generally live longer than men, I thought perhaps this is one reason and it felt healthy.

 

Often, when angry, men feel violent impulses, remnants of our history of killing and protecting. We know such impulses are inappropriate and suppress them but, often, when suppressing them, we suppress the base emotions as well, internalizing the whole process. We retreat to our 'cave' to process it alone, as we might not trust our responses with outside stimulation.

 

If you find your H to seem 'angry' all the time, with these marked episodes as exclamation points, he might need professional help. Of course, he has to want that.

 

If you wish to engage him on this issue, I'd suggest approaching it in a positive way, asking him for suggestions on how you can work together to create a less stressful and tension-filled environment. Without knowing specifics, I can only offer generalized advice. A therapist OTOH can address issues specifically.

 

Best wishes!

[TheMENemy]

Right now he is not very happy with one of his kids.

 

What seems to be the problem with his kid?

[JackJack]

Stepping away from something that bothers someone or upsets them is fine. However its always best to return to the situation and try to find a solution IMO. However, if they continue to give the silent treatment, and never return later to discuss things better, then thats not healthy. Its one thing to remove ones self to gather their thoughts, but its another to shut down and punish another. Most people who give others the silent treatment were not taught proper communication/coping skills.

[musemaj11]

When Im angry I have two choices.

 

1. Scream my lung out at someone and get the anger out within hours.

2. Remain silent for one or two days.

[EnigmasMuse]

When Im angry I have two choices.

 

1. Scream my lung out at someone and get the anger out within hours.

2. Remain silent for one or two days.

 

There is always a third option.

 

After you have cooled down for a bit, then talk about things calmly.

 

Screaming or ignoring for a day or two is not very productive and just creates more stress.

[DaisyLeigh]

Sorry, but a man who has kids does not get to ignore his family for two days. There is always another option, one of which is to grow the **** up, and deal with it like an adult.

 

Fine, take an hour to yourself. Whatever. Calm down. But for a day or two? Hell no.

[whichwayisup]

He is usually fine afterwards and claims he needed time for himself to cool down BUT I do not think this is healthy to do, I do not like it and I want it to stop...Short of an ultimatum, what do you do...I did text him and was nice in the text, no reply...NOTHING like I don't exsist.....This is the first time he has ignorned my texts, ususally he will reply to those..I feel very hurt..

 

If you know he's in a bad mood, leave him alone. don't text him, call or check on him. It's his way of dealing with things, right or wrong, it's his coping way. But, with that said...

 

All you can do is ask him NOT to give you the silent treatment. do you live with him? if so, then he needs to still be involved in daily life at home. Sure he can hibernate for afew hours, but if you are saying he pretends you don't exist and walks by you if you say something, doesn't acknowledge your presence, then yes, that is a huge problem.

[starryeyed12]

My last relationship was like this. He would literally walk or drive away whenever we had issues, and often give me the silent treatment.

 

When I would ask him about it after the dust had settled, he said he didn't want to let his anger and frustration of the situation influence him to say or do something that he regretted. However, it was always a struggle to get him to actually communicate with me what was wrong even after the silent treatment was over.

 

This behavior became more damaging than getting angry because I was always feeling in the dark. I never knew exactly what he was thinking when he was upset about things, and eventually, even the smallest things could erupt into a "get out of my house" situation. All that anger kept inside is dangerous. Eventually, he couldn't control it and he slapped me once. He also slapped his child over mouthing off during homework. The shame he felt from that was awful; ironic when he originally said he held it in to avoid regret.

 

Please be careful with this type of man. Feelings need to be aired out, even anger. Anger is a healthy human emotion when it is delt with properly. You can not change him or make him a better communicator. He needs to want it himself, and usually people have to hit rock bottom to feel the need for true change. For my ex, slapping me and his child were not his rock bottom because he still does not communicate effectively.

Edited November 11, 2010 by starryeyed12

[musemaj11]

Whats with women telling men to open up? Its like men telling women to sleep around. You dont get it unless you were in the other side's shoes.

 

If your man gives you the silent treatment. Do something nice to him like hug him or cook for but dont say much.

Edited November 11, 2010 by musemaj11

[starryeyed12]

Whats with women telling men to open up? Its like men telling women to sleep around. You dont get it unless you were in the other side's shoes.

 

If your man gives you the silent treatment. Do something nice to him like hug him or cook for but dont say much.

 

This comment is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

[lonestar190]

Can you go into a little more detail about the silent treatment?

 

Is he actually completely silent and does not communicate or respond in any way, or is he simply withdrawn and short with his words?

 

Does he continue doing chores or activities in the house, or does he seemingly vanish from the family until he has calmed down?

 

These are important distinctions that are both seen as the "silent treatment." If he continues to acknowledge you, help out, cook dinner, etc.., but doesn't talk about what is upsetting him until he is ready, then I think the problem is mostly yours.

 

If he completely removes himself from everyone for two days, well, that is different.

[JackJack]

Whats with women telling men to open up? Its like men telling women to sleep around. You dont get it unless you were in the other side's shoes.

 

If your man gives you the silent treatment. Do something nice to him like hug him or cook for but dont say much.

 

Yeah reward a person for their rotten passive aggressive behavior, NOT!

[musemaj11]

Yeah reward a person for their rotten passive aggressive behavior, NOT!

Then let him be and stop whining.

[PandorasBox]

I dated a guy before who would give me the silent treatment. However, you need to understand the real meaning of silent treatment. Google it and see if it fits how your SO is really acting. If in fact that is how he is acting, thats a tough thing to live with. The guy I dated, truly lived up to the meaning of "silent treatment." Its used a passive/aggressive way to deal or should I say, NOT deal with things. I remember telling him when I broke things off with him, he needed to go back over to his moms house and let her give him a bottle, because thats exactly how he acted, like a baby. It pretty much came across as, "I didn't get my way, or didn't like what someone said, or you made me mad so I'll punish you by pouting and not speaking to you for a whole day or two." After him acting like this several times when things came up he couldn't cope with, I said bye!

[Schism]

Sorry, but a man who has kids does not get to ignore his family for two days. There is always another option, one of which is to grow the **** up, and deal with it like an adult.

 

Fine, take an hour to yourself. Whatever. Calm down. But for a day or two? Hell no.

 

Thank you Daisy, that was well said. It's apparent that he is "communicationally challenged" for whatever reason (caveman theory, childhood theory, etc.) but if it his tactics are not contributing to a solution they are just ostrich philosophy IMO. The worst thing is these are the "coping" skills he is forwarding to his offspring, which are useless at that extent.