How do you put passion in a 15-year marriage?

[jolu]

I have been married for 15 years. I have one 10 year old boy who has medical problems. My problem is this. My wife says she loves me. I believe her. There is however very limited to no romantic or physical relationship left. I certainly want that part of our marriage still. I get the feeling that she loves me but not like a husband and wife love. I know that maybe sounds strange. To put it plain and simple. We have sex an average of 6 - 8 times per year and thats only if I initiate it. She almost never will hold my hand, hug or kiss me unless I initiate it. The only thing she does with consistency is say I LOVE YOU.

 

I believe she loves me but not the way you love a spouse or significant other. I'm finding myself more and more in need of that missing part of our relationship. The romantic / physical part. I've told her how I feel but things don't seem to change. I'm lonely and confused. I have been tempted. Not necessarily to have sex with someone else. Just to be with someone whom I could hold onto. Hold a hand. Kiss with a little passion. If not for a house, cars and a son I would be tempted to leave. Even then I would be worried what family and friends would say. I'm 35 and so is she. Help

[Virgogirl]

Dear Completely Lost,

Well this is a tough one. My boyfriend and I have a similarly dis-affectionate relationship and I know its hard when you want more. But my words of advice would be you need to tell her how you feel. You need to stress to her how important this is for you. There are books that can help you out. You're local bookstore will have tons for you to read about renewing the relationship and all kinds of self healing. But it sounds like no matter what happens you need to take care of yourself first. You probably need to look within and discover how to help YOURSELF be happy. It may be that, that is what she is missing. Or maybe shes missing something you never thought of. Who knows but have courage, be strong and fight for happiness. Take care, ~V

[MercyRose]

Did she used to initiate before?

 

If she did then there is hope to get her to respond and initiate more once again.

 

You need communication about her and yours feelings, what needs are being met and what needs aren't being met for the both of you, what is stressing her out so much and if you have done anything to contribute to her stress. Maybe its something you are NOT doing.

 

Maybe you even need relationship counseling.

 

However if throughout the relationship you always initiated thats what you have to carry on doing plus all the above which basically requires the commencement, effort and resolve to communicate about EVERYTHING for both of you.

 

And it will be ongoing, requiring patience, understanding, listening and doing. Try not to blame or feel hurt by any accusations, misinterpretations, misunderstandings, guilt, anger or situations that are not your fault or have no power over such as your son's illness.

 

It gets worse before it gets better.

 

But looking for someone else is not a solution. It will cause even more pain and have disastrous results.

 

In a way, cheating on her may be an underlying desire of punishing her for not responding to you. Doesn't matter whether she knows you are cheating or not, you may get some kind of satisfaction that YOU know.

 

Either way, cheating would be done for unhealthy reasons.

 

Do it the hard way so your spirit grows stronger, deal with hardships, make effort and happiness won't be far.

[SudieJD]

If your relationship is one that was intimate at one time, it seems to me that a few surprises are in order. Even though my hubby and I are'nt together as much as we'd like to be, we do make our relationship interesting with things like phone sex, waking up each other in the middle of the night or early in the morning just to get things hot when he's home.

 

We've been married for 9 years now and I had warned him before our marriage, I was a hot Hungarian and he might have a hard time keeping up, and sometimes he does. We hide little gifts and cards for each other to find when he's on the road. I've found little packages in the washer or in a cupboard that he had left for me. I'll sneak into his truck and leave a card or picture for him to find.

 

I also let him know that he's my number one and anything that happens to him, happens to me. Our marriage started out pretty rocky and we do still have disagreements, we're two different people and we know it. We can't always agree. There have been times, early on, that I was ready to cut and run. But I stayed and we worked things out.

 

Sometimes you have to be the one to make the first step. But, what have you got to loose? You do have a lot to gain though.

 

 

SudieJD

[slashmw]

Damn Susie I wish my girlfriend had your attitude. We've lived together for over 2 years now and things started off in our relationship very hot, and very sexual, and of course I loved it. But i think so many times women only keep up with men like me in the beginning to keep us satisfied so we don't go wandering. Then when they know that they've got you its like, ah well we can always have sex later. Our relatiohship is still strong without frequent sex but it could be better with it. I think she also feels that it gets boring but i'll be the first to say i'll try new things. Sex seems to be one of the biggest problems for married people and people living together. I find it crazy to think that people could still not have sex to they are married, thats just asking for a whole crap load of problems.

[moimeme]

The sex drops off after marriage because the attention drops off. A lot of men pay no attention to their wives, do nothing loving during the day, and then hit the bed and expect 'services'. They figure once they're in a relationship, they don't need to court the women any more. And then they crab that the women aren't 'interested'.

[jenny]

respectfully, i submit that it's a two-way, not a chicken-egg, problem. we have just as much responsibility to pounce as they do to woo.

[jolu]

Hi, Thanks to everyone who has responded. I had forgotten about this post until recently. I know thats hard to believe. Besides my marital problems my mom passed away about a month after the original post. It's been a VERY rough time for me lately. My wife has opened up to me recently. The problem she admits is hers. Which I wasn't trying to lay blame. I just wanted things fixed. She has been depressed. About the lack of progress our son has made with his physical disabilities. The fact that she will probably not get to raise a healthy normal child and about her own physical self image. The problem is that I had an idea of some of her depression. She say's that she will do what is necessary to make the marriage work.

 

Problem is I've been hearing that for the last 3 to 4 years. Thats a long time for nothing to change. I've searched my feelings on this matter for a while now. I'm not talking about the little things. Leaving the notes calling eachother at work just to say "hi how is your day". Most couples do need to work at that. When we were first started dating and got married the intimacey/affection was a perfect 10 on a 1-10 scale. Now it's more like a 2. Why should someone have to WORK at showing how they feel? I mean when I give her a hug, kiss or take her hand I do it because it's how a naturally feel about her. You shouldn't have to make yourself remember to do that. I mean when you show your kids affection you do it because you just feel that way. You don't have to work at it. This should be the same way with your mate. The other thing that pop's into my head is things haven't changed for the last several years so why would they change now? The last thing is that i've grown apart from her emotionally after that long a time. It was hard emotionally when I first realized that. I don't know if I could give things another try and then have it go right back to the way it currently is. I mean to open myself up to her and then not have her reciprecate again?!

 

Virgogirl, you said something that someone else has recently said to me. Someone that I've been able to talk to about this. You said "take care of yourself first" and interestingly enough so did this person I've been talking to. At one time I would have thought this to be selfish. Lately I'm not so sure that would be true. I mean anymore everything that meant something to me means nothing to me now. Our new house and my favorite hobbies. I would trade it all in for a little one bedroom apartment and a woman who wants to be close to me. I don't just mean sex either. Actually I am more refering to the hand holding, hugging and kissing.

 

After my mother died I think that really opened my eye's. That life REALLY IS to short and one has to live it as such. I'm really torn as to what to do. Am I blowing this whole thing outta proportion? I mean the relationship we have now is one of best friends and thats about it. Two people don't need to be married for that? Isn't intimacey/affection ONE of the reasons two people get married? I'm still trying to get over my mom's death and figure out what to do about my marriage. I'm not confused about my feelings, just what to do about them http://www.loveshack.org/forums/images/icons/icon9.gif

[Matilda]

Hi jolu,

 

I am new to this forum, but when I saw your post, I knew I had to reply. I've been married about 10 years, and my husband and I also had a decline in our intimacy. It started after our 3rd child, and got worse when we realized that our son, like yours, has a disability. The problem, also like in your situation, was mostly mine. I was depressed, and I went through about a 2 year grief period about my son. I finally reached a breaking point, where I just felt completely overwhelmed, and went to the doctor. I started taking an anti-depressant, and going to therapy. It has made a HUGE difference. My husband and I still don't have a lot of quantity in our sex life, this is difficult to do with 3 kids. But we are having sex regularly, and the quality is a 1000 times better.

 

When you have a child with a disablity, I think the grief is always something you have to deal with, it waxes and wanes, and I think you can go a long time without it bothering you so much, and then along comes some event to trigger it again. You are also grieving, so I urge you not to make any big decisions at this particular time. It does sound like you and your wife love each other, but have become disconnected. This is the way it was in my marriage too, like we were roomates with kids. It wasn't that I didn't love my husband, or anything like that, it was just that the thought of intimacy overwhelmed me. It just took so much effort to hold myself together emotionally, that it was hard to imagine being able to let go enough to enjoy having sex. I'm not sure if that makes sense, and I don't know if that's how your wife feels or not. I guess I'm just saying, that it wasn't that I didn't want to have sex with my husband, but I just didn't want to have sex at all. I just kind of shut down that part of me, because I needed that energy to deal with all the other issues in my life. I also wasn't very affectionate, it just seemed that I knew I HAD to show my kids affection, and that my husband would be able to understand that I was in trouble, and feeling like I couldn't give everyone what they needed. But of course, he didn't understand because I didn't tell him, and even if I did tell him, it wouldn't take away the hurt he felt about shutting him out.

 

 

I would encourage you to talk to your wife again, and maybe consider both of you going to counseling. I think a therapist would be able to help your wife to see she needs help, and help you to get your marriage back on track. Raising children is so stressful, and raising a child with a disability is many times more stressful. I would hate for you to add the stress of a divorce to the picture. I was married once before and divorced, and that was the second most stressful time in my life. My son's situation is the most stressful thing I have ever been through, and I thank God that my husband has been here with me through it.

 

Take care.

[jolu]

Matilda, I understand alot of what you say and you make some good sense. It's just that I've tried in every way I can think of over the last few years to let her know my feelings. The thing is she aknowledge's there is a problem and openly admits that it's her own depression. The thing is nothing change's. She's been to a counselor a few times and is on anti-depressants. She says she will do what is necessary to make the marriage survive but I've heard that like a billion times. I've waited and waited and tried to be understanding but it's almost intolrerable anymore. Like I said before it's not just sex. It's hand holding, hugging, kissing, basically most any kind of affection. Your one word described it all "disconnected" but now I'm afraid to become closer to her again out of fear that nothing changes. I'm 36 with a 10 year old son with disabilities, who really is going to want a relationship with me, say when I'm 40. What I'm trying to say is if nothing has or is going to change I need to do something now while I'm still fairly young. Thank you very much for your input.

[Matilda]

Jolu,

 

I just think it is so sad that the 2 of you can't reconnect. I do wish you would both go to marriage counseling. One thing I wanted to tell you too, is that many of the antidepressants decrease libido. I am on one that doesn't, but it may be something to consider for your wife.

 

I know how frustrated you must feel, when you are trying and your wife is not. I just hope there is some way to get through to her. But it does sound like you have been trying for a long time. I do wish you would both go to marriage counseling, for your child's sake, if nothing else.

 

I really wish the best for you, whatever path you take.

[jolu]

Thank you very much Matilda. I really appreciate your input.

[potatohead]

Matilda, what a great post and insite you have given.

 

Rang very true to me and my wife, and Jolu's situation as well.

 

We also have had some dificulties with our oldest child requiring serious surgery for correction. At least in our case it was able to be corrected. Unfortunitly the surgery did not correct our intimacy problems, although its a lot better than it was 4 years ago....

 

Jolu, If I can offer you some advice, its not worth finding sex with someone else, although its fun (sex always is), but it will only make you resent your wife more. It does not make you feel relieved it makes things worse. Believe me I know. I found it made me hassel my wife even more not less. I think that might be a significant differance between having an affair and finding sex elsewhere.

 

If your having an affair you don't want/need to have sex with your spouse. If your just finding sex/intimacy somewhere else out of frustration then it just makes u want your spouse even more and when things don't magicly change because of the release....the resentment builds to even greater levels!! (might not be true for everyone but its how it worked for me)

 

Of course if you really want to leave then have a true affair....cuz although its very selfish it will ease your pain on the exit. I really think the only people who get caught are those that want to though. It was truely a relief when I left that part of my life behind me (years ago now )

 

Matilda, My wife and I never went to counciling, however I guess we are sort of like you now, we do not have sex all that regularly but probably have what I would call good sex 2-3 times a month (good sex is defined as when she gets into it...still not FANTASTIC, but very very satisfying none the less).....sometimes we will have a failed attempt..and she just wants me to get it over with....they don't count...lol..I hate that but I guess it comes with the territory with kids and busy life....I still crave for more intimacy as Jolu does...She does not NEED sex more she does it for me I think even now....But I guess I will keep working hard at it. Some people tell me I try too hard....but I tried treat em mean keep em keen...that did not work either..lol

 

Like to make a smartass comment tho...I read doctor love's love bank theory....about making love deposits....what do u do when your wife keeps raising the friggin love deposit threshhold???

 

Wish there was a magic wand

[Matilda]

<<what do u do when your wife keeps raising the friggin love deposit threshhold??? >>

 

I'm not sure that I know the answer to this question. You know there are so many things that factor into libido for women. Stress, emotional feelings, time of the month, etc. I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for men. Here lately, I have had a big increase in my libido, and have been "coming on" to my husband more. I can't imagine how crushed I would feel if he didn't respond positively to me. (Hopefully I won't ever actually know. ) But, from the woman's side it is very hard to get yourself in the mood, when you just aren't in the mood. That just seems to lead to forcing yourself to have sex, which I don't feel is satisfying for either party. I wish I knew the answer to this problem.

 

What seemed to help me was taking an anti-depressant, going to counseling myself (my husband did not go with me), and gaining some acceptance of my son's problems. I think in marriage we can get so wrapped up in ourselves, that we forget to be considerate of our partner. I think many things that hurt the other person are done thoughtlessly and not really intending to hurt the other, but nonetheless it does. I really think, trying to always think about "doing unto others as you would have them do unto you" is so crucial. But, you can't be a doormat for someone else either. If you are trying and they are constantly beating you down, then you can't exist like that. Like Dr. Phil says, you can't change another person's behavior, but you can change your own, and this in turn may influence the other person's behavior.

 

I know, after so many years of marriage, my husband doesn't compliment me as much as he used to, or tell me how much I mean to him as much as he did when were dating. I know for me, being older, and having had 3 kids, I am not as secure about my body as I used to be, and I would like to know that my husband still finds me attractive. I do know that he finds me attractive, but I still have insecurity about it, and actually hearing him say it would be a turn on for me. Maybe trying to do some of those kind of things unconditionally, without expecting a sex reward for it would help. But maybe you guys are already doing those things.

 

I have seen where the book "The Sex Starved Marriage" has been recommended a lot on this forum. I took a look at it on amazon, and it looks like it might be helpful.