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My wife has a trip planned with her ex husband to visit their daughter at college. It's a 9 hour drive and requires an overnight stay. Is this something I should feel badly about? Should I be concerned?

 

She has maintained a closer than normal relationship with him over the 8 years post divorce due to the childrenn's best interests and I think it's great of her to have bee nable to do that. He's been over for anything from cookouts to different celebrations with the kids (18 & 20) and it has never felt uncomfortable. All in all, those things fall into what I consider "normal". But this trip to visit their daughter comes at a time when she and I are having some stresses on our marriage and he just left a 2 year live in relationship.

 

My wife assures me that the planned trip is nothing to worry about and that I'd probably be better with it if things with whe and I were 100%. However, I can't shake the feeling that it crosses a line somehow. She's never given me reason to doubt her fidelity, yet it just doesn't seem right that she'd go away with him for a weekend for reasons I don't quite understand (why couldn't she just go alone or with me? What purpose is served by them going together?) The daughter is 20 and the need to show mutual "co-parenting" is not the same as when she was 12, or at least I don't htink it is.

 

Am I wrong to feel this? Is it me being insecure? Is it some form of controlling behavior on my part to not want her to go?

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BellaBellaBella

Is there a reason you aren't going? Perhaps offer to go, and see what the reaction is. Or just be honest, type her an email and tell her what you have to say here. No in an accustory fashion more along the lines, that your not feeling secure with the trip, that she has never given you a reason to doubt, but....your afraid of losing her. Or better yet tell her this to her face and don't get angry.

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My wife has a trip planned with her ex husband to visit their daughter at college. It's a 9 hour drive and requires an overnight stay. Is this something I should feel badly about? Should I be concerned?

 

She has maintained a closer than normal relationship with him over the 8 years post divorce due to the childrenn's best interests and I think it's great of her to have bee nable to do that. He's been over for anything from cookouts to different celebrations with the kids (18 & 20) and it has never felt uncomfortable. All in all, those things fall into what I consider "normal". But this trip to visit their daughter comes at a time when she and I are having some stresses on our marriage and he just left a 2 year live in relationship.

 

My wife assures me that the planned trip is nothing to worry about and that I'd probably be better with it if things with whe and I were 100%. However, I can't shake the feeling that it crosses a line somehow. She's never given me reason to doubt her fidelity, yet it just doesn't seem right that she'd go away with him for a weekend for reasons I don't quite understand (why couldn't she just go alone or with me? What purpose is served by them going together?) The daughter is 20 and the need to show mutual "co-parenting" is not the same as when she was 12, or at least I don't htink it is.

 

Am I wrong to feel this? Is it me being insecure? Is it some form of controlling behavior on my part to not want her to go?

 

Is something going on at the college that is the reason why they want to go visit her? A parents day or something? Also 9 hours is a long drive, and if both are planning on going for some special occassion I can understand why they would share a car.

 

I know of several couples where they made great friends, but lousy husbands and wives.

 

But why not go with? Then you wouldn't have to worry about it. Don't really give her an option of saying no. Tell her you are coming with her that you want to see your step daughter too.

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It's not a special event or anything like that. They're going to make sure she's making good choices...she and her bf just go thier fisrt apt. They're 3rd year students ahd lived together last year.

 

My going is not welcome becasue it gives the impression of keeping tabs on her, etc. I have expressed that it feels uncomfortable but it is not understood as to why (by her). I think it's nothing but my insecurity creeping in because it's out of the parameters of what I would consider normal behavior by one's spouse.

 

guess I don't really have any choice in the matter as she can decide whatever she chooses to. I was just looking to see if it was expected that I'd feel put off by it.

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It's not a special event or anything like that. They're going to make sure she's making good choices...she and her bf just go thier fisrt apt. They're 3rd year students ahd lived together last year.

 

My going is not welcome becasue it gives the impression of keeping tabs on her, etc. I have expressed that it feels uncomfortable but it is not understood as to why (by her). I think it's nothing but my insecurity creeping in because it's out of the parameters of what I would consider normal behavior by one's spouse.

 

guess I don't really have any choice in the matter as she can decide whatever she chooses to. I was just looking to see if it was expected that I'd feel put off by it.

 

I don't think its unreasonable for you to feel put off by this. I think its unreasonable for her to not expect you to have issues with this. Though she might be looking at this like this though - if she wanted her ex husband, he would not be an ex husband, therefore you have nothing to worry about.

 

I would tell her that you aren't happy with this arrangement. That you would like to go too. And even though she does't like it, it really would make you feel better. See what she says.

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I think something is wrong with this. I disagree with people who say since they are divorce she clearly doesn't want him. People don't have to be in love to mess up

 

She is in the wrong. He is her ex

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I can understand why a non-romantic parenting unit who get along well might consider this jaunt, although it's not conventional. What raises eyebrows with me is that your wife seems to be disrespecting your discomfort with it, and that you yourself are resolutely uninvited. How involved in your stepdaughter's life are you? I am very close with mine and have full parenting role and that would NOT fly in this house. Other step-parents take a different role, however, and generally have less input and involvement in parenting decisions--but in that scenario, there is still the marital role being stepped on. She might be right that you would not be bothered as much if your own marriage weren't a bit strained at the moment, but she should be respecting the fact that you DO feel uncomfortable and not just pooh-poohing your feelings about it.

 

I would talk to her again and be very firm about pointing out how she is invalidating your feelings. Let us know what happens from there. Good luck.

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