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My paranoia is ruining my marriage


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MissLayla1986

I have been married to my husband for 3 yrs. He is 25 and i am 24. He is a truly amazing man in every respect, he is affectionate, treats me like a queen, smart, great to talk to, very good looking, and has an incredible body. i feel like i married my dream hunk. About 1 yr ago, i was diagnosed with a rare kidney condition. This affected me in two ways that would negatively impact our relationship: it forced me to take meds that killed my sex drive, and made me very jealous and suspicious of him without any rational basis. These two problems are related. My husband has always had a very high sex drive, before i started on my meds he would want sex and bjs at least once, sometimes two or three times a day. this was fine with me since he is very good in bed and always makes sure he satisfied me also and i don't mind giving him bjs. We have no kids and im a stay at home housewife so time was not an issue. after the meds we were down to maybe once a week and even then i do it mostly just to satisfy him. Because we were not having sex as much, i began to feel very suspicious and possessive, feeling that maybe he was getting his needs met elsewhere. he has repeatedly assured me that he's fine and that he can make do with once a week. he's never done anything or behaved to indicate that he was cheating, it was just my paranoid suspicions. he is very attractive and personable so he has always gotten a lot of attention from girls. we used to work out together regularly and i was very fit before my medical condition but the meds make me tired and groggy and so i stopped and have put on some pounds. now he goes to the gym alone where there are many fit and pretty girls. i have gone with him to social events in his grad program and some of the girls he attends classes with and sees every day are drop dead gorgeous. all these things contributed to my paranoia and insecurities.

 

About a month ago, he began staying on campus later than usual (he is a full-time grad student), saying that he has a very difficult group project with evening meetings. this set off my paranoia to the extent that i actually began to stalk him. I hacked into his email, repeatedly checked his phone and computer, put a recording device in his car, and secretly followed him to campus. Suffice to say, i never found any evidence that he was cheating, all signs indicated that he's not lying about having a big project (except for one night when he told me he had a project meeting but went to have dinner with his brother instead which is weird but whatever). after about two weeks of my doing this, my husband found out and was very upset. he hasn't talked to me for a week, when he comes home he goes straight to our room (his room now since ive been sleeping on the couch). he give me one word answers when i ask him questions, he doesn't pick up his phone when i call or respond to my text messages, he doesn't even eat the meals i prepare for him. i have begged him to forgive me, but it doesn't seem to move him.

 

im a nervous wreck now, i cry all the time and keep thinking he's going to leave me. he was so loving and supportive when i'm sick even though i could be very irritable and b**chy and put up with all my nonsense. i keep thinking that everything was my fault and how could i mess-up such a good thing. then i start thinking why would anyone want to be with a jealous, ugly b**ch like me and that he's probably out screwing someone else now even if he wasn't before. then i think he was out of my league to begin with and i never deserved him and that my behavior probably made him realize that. i get these images in my head of him having sex with random girls from his gym or his grad program and i drive myself crazy with all these thoughts and just want to scream. i want so desperately for my husband to love me again but i don't know what to do. i am really afraid that he is going to leave me or cheat on me or take a second wife.

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So, pick up the phone and call your doctor to make an appointment to update your condition and to inquire about alternative treatments and then call a psychologist to make an appointment for yourself and H to discuss this important change in your young life and its effects on your marriage and relationship. Two phone calls, total ten minutes tops. If H wants the M to work and sees you're willing to take actions to preserve and strengthen it, he'll take the time to participate, both with the doctor and the psychologist. Marriage is a *team* dynamic. Good luck :)

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You have to understand that your excessive fears of him leaving or cheating are causing you to do things that could drive more of a wedge between you two - not bring him closer. If you communicate trust and tell him how much you admire his supportive attitude in this situation, a guy like you described will be captivated by you regardless of the medical issues. Work with the professionals the previous poster recommended, but if he's half the guy you portrayed him to be, he will care deeply for what you are going through. Be honest, but also honestly admit the behaviours were wrong.

Edited by keane2010
mispelling
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Take Carhill's advice. Time is of the essence here, don't let this drag on another day.

Make those appmts. and as soon as your H comes home, tell him that you've made those appmts. and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get yourself straight again.

Apologize but don't start crying on clinging to him. Tell him that you know this isn't right, and that you are going to fix it.

Then ask him if you get your meds sorted out, if he will please forgive you. Watch him for his answer, look in his eyes, this to keep him from detaching from you anymore than he already has.

If he's a decent person, he will help you through this.

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