Arguing with a overly emotional wife = frustration

[fit]

Heres the deal. Married almost 10 years, 2 kids. We do love each other.

BUT, whenever we have a disagreement on something, my wife very quickly becomes aggitated, if I continue to disagree and give reasons to support my opinion she will become hysterical, getting red faced and ultimately making it personal and giving me a laundry list of everything thats ever bothered her about me.

My wife is fairly intelligent but very close minded on some things. And when she sees something a certain way, anything opposing her vison of it is viewed as "fighting words" .

How do you guys deal with that ? I know I usually just dont bring up certain topics and I do "choose to be happy, instead of right" a lot of the time. But sometimes...dammit I'M RIGHT and I am not backing down off of my stance. And even then I stick to the topic...her ? not so much. Usualy its during arguments I find out how much shes been holding in"...its an endless vicious cycle. It really puts a strain on the marriage and has ruined many days as a result.

I never want to fight, I want to discuss...

We can agree to disagree is my motto in these situations.

[2sunny]

you could participate in ways that don't allow an argument.

 

respond with these:

yes

no

you MAY be right (notice you aren't telling her she's right)

maybe

thanks for telling me

let me give that some consideration

i'll get back to you on that

 

it should help diffuse the situation

[Corporate]

Heres the deal. Married almost 10 years, 2 kids. We do love each other.

BUT, whenever we have a disagreement on something, my wife very quickly becomes aggitated, if I continue to disagree and give reasons to support my opinion she will become hysterical, getting red faced and ultimately making it personal and giving me a laundry list of everything thats ever bothered her about me.

 

What's that "something?" Like you calling her.....fat and lazy?

 

Hum....no wonder she gets mad.

[fit]

What's that "something?" Like you calling her.....fat and lazy?

 

Hum....no wonder she gets mad.

Strike a nerve ?

[fit]

you could participate in ways that don't allow an argument.

 

respond with these:

yes

no

you MAY be right (notice you aren't telling her she's right)

maybe

thanks for telling me

let me give that some consideration

i'll get back to you on that

 

it should help diffuse the situation

Good answers sunny. As simple as they are some of that may work

[nddb]

She has not learned how to resolve conflicts in a mature way.

 

i.e., stick to topic, don't bring in the past, don't say "you never" or "you always"

 

She's out to win, not to resolve issues and compromise.

 

Either get her some reading material or send her to IC. This is unacceptable behavior.

 

If you continue to give in in the interest of peace, that's a catch-22. Women don't respect men without a backbone.

[nddb]

you could participate in ways that don't allow an argument.

 

respond with these:

yes

no

you MAY be right (notice you aren't telling her she's right)

maybe

thanks for telling me

let me give that some consideration

i'll get back to you on that

 

it should help diffuse the situation

 

I don't think I would be comfortable with this. You only stoke her resentment that you are not "hearing her" and that you are being nonresponsive emotionally at that moment.

 

of course, that may feel good, but it's tit-for-tat and not getting you TWO anywhere.

 

Plus, my philosophy is that I will stand my ground and respond honestly and with due concern for her feelings. I will listen and respond to her concerns, even if the truth can hurt (of course it should be appropriately phrased).

 

When you have children, they model after your behavior. Think of what lesson you are teaching the little boy/girl if they see dad lets mom behave this way.

[Angel1111]

I have a relative who's married to someone like this. They never monitor their arguments so they argue in front of anyone who happens to be around. His wife always initiates arguments out of thin air because she has so many internal issues. I have stopped going to their house because I can't stand being around them. I've noticed that there is nothing he can do or say that is right in those situations. His wife is determined to make her point, and believes that her point is the only thing that matters. I don't know how he stands her. All I can think about is how they're destroying their kids' lives.

 

There usually is no easy answer with people like this. They're quite impossible to deal with. I think the only thing you can do is to just end the conversation, or just let her say what she needs to say and let it drop. If that doesn't help, then I don't know what to tell you. She's probably never going to be someone you can speak freely around. I'm sorry you're married to someone like this. These people make everyone's lives unhappy.

[GordonDarkfoot]

fit,

 

When your w starts losing it, remain silent for a few seconds, pause, smile, and give her a big 'ol hug, saying, "No matter what, I love you so very much."

 

Change her expectations.

[Enchanted Girl]

I have a relative who's married to someone like this. They never monitor their arguments so they argue in front of anyone who happens to be around. His wife always initiates arguments out of thin air because she has so many internal issues. I have stopped going to their house because I can't stand being around them. I've noticed that there is nothing he can do or say that is right in those situations. His wife is determined to make her point, and believes that her point is the only thing that matters. I don't know how he stands her. All I can think about is how they're destroying their kids' lives.

 

I agree with this statement.

 

Do you ever try to tell her that you just want to discuss and make compromises when you two fight and not have a screaming match? That the most important part of relationships is communication and that if she's screaming at you, neither of you is communicating with the other one, you're both just hating each other and resolving nothing?

 

I like GordonDarkFoot's idea as well. Kindness can kill people's angry attitudes. My boyfriend was this way at the beginning of our relationship and he changed to fight with me more productively after I was kind to him.

 

But ultimately, it's all up to her to change and if she doesn't, there's nothing you can do to force her to change.

[fit]

Thanks for the replies.

 

For the record we are NOT the arguing couple. We keep it very private.

In over 10 years there has only been one occasion where anyone has seen us have a very mild argument.

Gordon I think thats a hard thing to do for me when I am upset about a topic too.

 

Although you are right on in terms of what my wife would want. That WOULD stop her in her tracks. I will have to work on that. We talked about this more yesterday. I told her that when she gets upset I dont 'hear' her so her point is lost. When she starts yelling and becomes weepy it is a huge turnoff for me and I sort of go into cold, logical "spock" mode. I treat our conversation like I would a business meeting and stick to the facts. That doesnt go over well because I think it makes her feel I dont care about her, I still do of course, but its just my way of dealing wiht the situation. I think my business like approach and her 'emotions on her sleeve' approach dont mix well. I proposed that when she is upset about something and confronts me on it I dont immediately start explaining my point. I used some of sunnys suggestions and they really were helpful !

So we are a work in progress...marriage can be hard

[Corporate]

Strike a nerve ?

 

I am no more than 10 lbs over the IDEAL weight. So, no.

[fit]

I am no more than 10 lbs over the IDEAL weight. So, no.

Then why comment on an issue that was months ago that is being worked on already ? Somehow I feel this is a sensitivity for you.

[Corporate]

Then why comment on an issue that was months ago that is being worked on already ? Somehow I feel this is a sensitivity for you.

 

Obviously, your feelings were wrong.

 

I could lose 5 to 10 lbs, but if not, I'm still considered "fit" by most standards.

 

You need to stop making her feel fat and lazy. Women don't like that.

[WalkInThePark]

Thanks for the replies.

 

For the record we are NOT the arguing couple. We keep it very private.

In over 10 years there has only been one occasion where anyone has seen us have a very mild argument.

Gordon I think thats a hard thing to do for me when I am upset about a topic too.

 

Although you are right on in terms of what my wife would want. That WOULD stop her in her tracks. I will have to work on that. We talked about this more yesterday. I told her that when she gets upset I dont 'hear' her so her point is lost. When she starts yelling and becomes weepy it is a huge turnoff for me and I sort of go into cold, logical "spock" mode. I treat our conversation like I would a business meeting and stick to the facts. That doesnt go over well because I think it makes her feel I dont care about her, I still do of course, but its just my way of dealing wiht the situation. I think my business like approach and her 'emotions on her sleeve' approach dont mix well. I proposed that when she is upset about something and confronts me on it I dont immediately start explaining my point. I used some of sunnys suggestions and they really were helpful !

So we are a work in progress...marriage can be hard

 

It's a typical man-woman dynamic. She becomes furious and you go into stonewalling mode. Result is that you seem so untouchable that she gets even more furious and says mean things to get through the wall. I know this very well because I am like your wife - unfortunately. The reason for this is that I feel quickly powerless in a discussion, have the feeling that the other does not listen to what I say. It is NOT about wanting things to be my way but it is very important for me to have the feeling that my partner takes me serious.

 

In my case, I am sure it has something to do with my youth. My mother was very authoritarian and my opinion simply did not count. Whenever I became angry and tried to get my point across she would laugh at me (in the best case) or give me a spanking (in the worst case).

 

It does not surprise me that you don't argue a lot. I personally hate arguing because I know I have trouble to do it in a good way. So I often keep quiet until I have too much.

 

Try to talk on a quiet moment with your wife about how you can change this dynamic. BTW, there is a book about his: "When anger hurts your relationship" by Kim Paleg and Matthew McKay.