broken trust and paranoia

[shlee]

Background: BF & I have been living together for a couple years. We have a dog together. Recently started talking about engagement rings.

 

We don't share passwords or email accounts or anything like that, but he has no problem using my computer (without asking, and whether or not I'm around), and used to always say that us answering each other's phones, etc. wasn't a big deal, and that was the kind of relationship that he wanted. (Btw we never did answer each other's phones because he has a deathgrip on his phone and it is always within his reach, even when he's in the bathroom or shower.)

 

Our anniversary is coming up. A couple months ago I asked him to send me some photos he has on his computer because I wanted to make something. He never did, and I brought it up a couple times since, and he still never did. I think at one point he said I could just do it myself, but I might be making that up. I stopped nagging.

 

Yesterday I decided to just do it myself. However when I checked out his photos I realized that he has THOUSANDS, and they are all in one huge file. I clicked on exactly 6 thumbnails spread out over the entire file trying to locate where the photos I wanted might be. Couldn't find it without putting in a lot of effort, so I gave up and shut off his computer.

 

When he got home he was doing something on his computer, and randomly asked me if I had been looking at his pictures. I have no idea how he would've known, but obviously I said that yes I had, I was looking for XYZ pictures, but it was apparently impossible to find them. He said basically that I was lying and must've been snooping, because he has his pictures broken down into separate files (??? obviously I wasn't looking too hard at what's on his computer because I didn't find that).

 

Anyways, he's pissed off about this, says I need to think about breaking up because why am I with him if I don't trust him...but then he also said something about I could look at the pictures whenever I wanted??? Huh? Obviously not, so I have no idea what that meant.

 

Then today he changed the password on his phone (which I already had no idea what it was, and never in my life have had an opportunity to check, since it's attached to his hand) and brought his computer to work with him.

 

I can kind of understand why he's upset.

 

But I'm also bugging out. I'm upset because he's never had a problem using my computer or phone, and I've never said a word about it. He's always talked like he wants this super-open relationship because we're so close and there's nothing to hide, but then (in my opinion) he overreacted that I was on his computer. He's also always voluntarily shared intimate details about his finances, which to me is more personal than anything else. I thought we had a more open and transparent relationship, and clearly we don't.

 

I'm also now feeling like he must have something to hide, and that's why he's acting this way. For example, he's always texting on his phone, like all day long when we're together, and I have no idea who he's talking to. Last night he got a text at 12:30a (unusual as far as I know), and he said it was a Scrabble game (iPhone app), but I don't believe him.

 

What the hell happened here?

Edited July 15, 2010 by shlee

[young&inlove]

I can relate to you in more ways than one. I am not going to sit here and tell you he is cheating on you or your relationship isn’t worth it.

 

First off, do you want the relationship to work/last? That’s the question I had to SERIOUSLY ask myself when my husband of only a year cheated on me with my best friend in January. I asked myself every single day over and over. I weighed the pros and cons. I realized I love him and he loves me and we want it to work (its getting better, we still have to work hard as hell though).

 

I realized something was up when he would always be on his phone. ALWAYS. He would tell me it was my friend but I didn’t think anything was possible with them as they were COMPLETE opposites. A couple of weeks went by with them hanging out and things just getting out of hand. Then I found out. It killed me. I don’t really like to give advice on here but I figured I would TRY to help because I don’t want anyone to EVER go through the pain I did.

 

I think that these things might help. I don’t know your relationship at all but I am pretty sure these would have helped us. Try sitting down with him and looking at the pictures together. He is probably going to be defensive, as was my man. I told him I just wanted to be part of his life and I felt as if he was shutting me off.

 

Try talking to him about commitment. I kind of think that he might be getting scared of the "alter". Maybe when you two talked about the rings that kind of made him realize that he will have to share everything and now he doesn’t know what to do. Its definitely not the best advice or help but I really hope it works out the way you both want it.

[shlee]

Thanks for the reply young & in love. I never thought anything about him texting/cheating before, but the fact that he flipped out the way he did makes it seem like he has something to hide and it's making me feel paranoid.

[xxoo]

I don't know what happened. No one here does. Only he knows why he reacted that way.

 

Bottom line: communication. Cheating or no, trust or no, the relationship is tanked if you can't communicate. So, talk to him!

 

If he attacks you (verbally) instead of communicating, pay close attention. That isn't the sort of thing that tends to get better once you are married.

[kuma]

Btw we never did answer each other's phones because he has a deathgrip on his phone and it is always within his reach, even when he's in the bathroom or shower.

 

You have been living with him for a couple of years and he always brings his phone in the bathroom and shower? He has odd behavior. Did you ask him?

[shlee]

You have been living with him for a couple of years and he always brings his phone in the bathroom and shower? He has odd behavior. Did you ask him?

 

He doesn't always, but he does a good chunk of the time - texting, checking email, checking the weather, stuff like that. He doesn't lock himself in the bathroom or anything, he leaves the door open, so while I think he's a bit too attached to his phone/information at his fingertips type thing, I've never thought he was being shady and texting another girl or anything.

 

We had a talk about how he felt I was snooping, which is just silly because I can access anything of his at any time I want, that he doesn't have anything to hide, etc. He agreed that he reacted badly, and should have communicated about things better, said that if I don't trust him or feel the need to snoop then I need to tell him what he's doing to make me feel that way so he change that behavior.

 

I explained that I wasn't snooping, but 1) I find it frustrating that he says he'll do something and then if I want it to get done I have to do it myself or else nag him and 2) that I thought we had a more open relationship.