Wife changed her mind regarding kids

[agonizing over kids]

Hi,

 

I've been agonizing over this situation for years now. I've spoken with lots of folks and now I turn to the all-powerful internet for perspective, advice, and a sounding board.

 

My wife and I have been married for six and a half years. I am now 39. She is 43. We were 33 and 37 when we got married. She has two kids from a previous marriage and they are now teenagers. I have a tremendous relationship with both of them. They say I'm more of a dad to them than their biological father. I love both them and their mother very much.

 

Before getting married, my wife and I had discussed having children together. She said she wanted to have children with me - one or maybe two. After a 2-3 years of marriage, however, she started expressing doubts about having more kids. In part they centered around her advancing age and a newly developed complete lack of maternal instinct. Her friends were also not having kids and she didn't want to be alone in the process. I tried to be accommodating & reassuring and to talk it through. We attended couples therapy to no avail and time continued to go by. Her doubts solidified and now she has no interest in having kids. None. She's not going to do it.

 

I'm crushed. One of the reasons that I chose her as a mate (and how we ended up in our house with extra bedrooms) is because I wanted her as the mother of my kids. I tried to deal with it. I tried to drink it away. I was treated for depression and quit drinking. With every attempt or approach to make my desire to have kids lessen, it in fact got more acute. After it reached a crisis point of me nearly completely falling apart emotionally, I have decided to deal with the situation once and for all.

 

Now my only choices appear to be 1) leave my family to have the opportunity to have children of my own; or 2) stay here and give up my dream. I know that if I choose #2, I will never be able to face myself. With #1, I have to face hurting those people who I love the most in the world very badly.

 

I'm at a loss. Any advice, similar experience, or thoughts would be welcomed warmly.

 

J

[Green]

I'm not going to lie to you... NO EASY WAY OUT... there is a third option though you know what it is

[stillafool]

Geesh, I feel for you. Your wife went back on her promise and that promise was to have children for you. Having a child is something you have wanted and dreamed about and to not have that wish fulfilled is going to make you resent your wife. I just don't see it any other way. Maybe you should tell your wife you are willing to leave to have a child, maybe that will change the way she views it. Also you had better hurry up if you want a child with your wife as she is approaching menopause.

[Iconoclast]

Thought about adoption? It's a good deed as well.

[Green]

Thought about adoption? It's a good deed as well.

 

I think he wants his own bio kids... for all intensive purposes he already got the experience of raising some one elses kids for the past few years...

[agonizing over kids]

I think he wants his own bio kids... for all intensive purposes he already got the experience of raising some one elses kids for the past few years...

 

That's right. I want a biological child and she would have none of parenting an infant again anyway.

[LakesideDream]

It's a broken contract.. I wouldn't blame you for making a change on that basis alone. It's tough, and now you are 45 and time is running out for you.

 

Do what your heart leads you to do.

[ufo8mycat]

It's a broken contract.. I wouldn't blame you for making a change on that basis alone. It's tough, and now you are 45 and time is running out for you.

 

The OP is 39, his wife is 43.

 

Time is, or has run out for her. Not him.

 

For the OP, if your wife had not changed her mind but had been unable to conceive what would you do?

 

I am sorry that you feel ripped off. It is an unfair change of tact now. You can only do what you feel is best for you.

[TaraMaiden]

Holy pshyt, this is it.

The deal-breaker.

Literally.

The blessing (if one can call it that) is that you are able to continue procreating for as long as generally speaking, you wish.

 

You are indeed, faced with two single choices:

You either stick it out and remain with the family and forget any possibility of fathering your own child -

Or - you gather a family conference, and you tell them that you can no longer do this.

You will always regard her children as the most special people in your heart, and you will always be there for them, in every way possible.

But your desire is driving you nuts, and you need to find someone with whom you can have your own family.

This was part of the deal, and you always believed you would do this with her.

She has changed her mind - which is her prerogative.

You haven't. Which is yours.

But it's an impasse.

You actually don't need to justify yourself, other than to say that.

Your desires differ, and your personal desires are every bit as valid and important to you, as hers are to her.

She has the benefit of children.

you have been denied that.

You have a right to pursue your desire.

And while you understand that it may not happen in the immediate future - at least you will have tried.

Which is more than is happening here.

 

I'm really, genuinely, desperately sad for you.

But impulses of this kind are the most difficult ones to go against.

 

I think you already know what it is you'd like to do, actually.

What you need to do now, is to find the courage to carry it through....

[Raven83]

I completely feel for you, I am in the same position, I am however younger, I am 27, I would love more children, I dont want my time to run out, my husband does not want kids and he only changed his mind after we got married, i have an 8 year old son, but wish for more kids of my own.

[xxoo]

For the OP, if your wife had not changed her mind but had been unable to conceive what would you do?

 

 

This is an important question to consider. A biological child is never a given in any marriage.

 

Is adopting an child (not infant) an option either of you would consider?

[Green]

hmmm... I just don't understand why you would marry a 37 year old woman now 43 who had kids already and take this long to realize she is not going to ever want kids.

 

The truth is if you leave her you could easily date 10 years younger then yourself and find some single woman who also wants biological kids. If thats something you really want in life then you will have to leave this woman.

[Scrybe]

In my book this rates up there with a broken vow. She agreed as a condition of marriage to have children with you. Along with being faithful, loyal, etc. I'm sure if the gender were reversed (she were a man and you a woman) people would be calling her all sorts of names, selfish, etc.

 

If having a child of your own is that important to you then you need to do something about it or give up the dream. In other words...take some action or stop whining about it and enjoy your life.

 

If you want my vote....I say you make plans to leave...and then leave. Don't threaten. Don't promise. Just do it. She's made it very clear to you through words and actions on where she stands on this issue.

 

You don't want a situation in which she is guilted into having a child with you and then resenting you (and the child) for the next 18 years or so.

 

Your step kids are teens now and there's no reason why you can't stay in contact with them. She can have the life she wants without the responsibility of dealing with a small child and you get another chance at getting what you want.

 

One more thing to consider though - You always have to give up something to get something. The next relationship my give you a child but....some things could be better or worse.

 

Think about it long and hard and commit.

[2sure]

Hi,

 

" After a 2-3 years of marriage, however, she started expressing doubts about having more kids. In part they centered around her advancing age and a newly developed complete lack of maternal instinct."

 

You say her decision was based in part on those reasons....what are the others? Have anything to do with you or the marriage?

 

"I'm crushed. ...I tried to deal with it. I tried to drink it away. I was treated for depression and quit drinking. With every attempt or approach to make my desire to have kids lessen, it in fact got more acute. After it reached a crisis point of me nearly completely falling apart emotionally, I have decided to deal with the situation once and for all."

 

Hey - I get it. The decision and agreement regarding children is something that is seriously considered when choosing a partner. Its a deal breaker for many and in my mind...justifiably so.

 

But I cant help but get the feeling that your wife's decision to not have children with you is solely based on HER. It sounds like you personally brought some issues into the marriage , or developed as the marriage progressed...that left her feeling that the relationship or you...were not stable and secure enough to offer a new child. You do pretty much blame your wife's decision not to have more children ...on your own drinking problem, depression, and emotional breakdown.

 

Are you saying that none of those conditions existed BEFORE she completely changed her mind?

[Art_Critic]

The OP is 39, his wife is 43.

 

Time is, or has run out for her. Not him.

 

For the OP, if your wife had not changed her mind but had been unable to conceive what would you do?

 

I am sorry that you feel ripped off. It is an unfair change of tact now. You can only do what you feel is best for you.

 

Great post..

 

It is true that at age 43 there are more downsides to pregnancy than upsides..

My wife was 39 when she got pregnant and let me tell you.. it was tough going thru all the testing and not knowing and then when you see the statistical data on age and pregnancy you see how those 4 extra years would dramatically affect your chances of a viable pregnancy.

 

To the OP Why did you both wait this long in the marriage to consider it ?

[carhill]

#3 Get some MC. I doubt it will 'change her mind', but it might provide the clarity you need to make a healthy decision for yourself. Also, she will be able to hear your *feelings* clearly, unfettered by day-to-day life. There will be no ambiguity. She will be faced with the consequences of her choice and encouraged to take responsibility for them.

 

I empathize with you. BTDT. Main regret of my now-ended M.

[witabix]

Tough situation.

 

Desire for having your 'own' children vs love for your current family.

 

It is for you to weigh up each side and see which one comes out heavier.

 

No one can tell you what to do. Your choices are clear, almost stark, in contrast.

 

I cannot imagine being in such a difficult position.

 

All I can say is if you decide to leave because of this there is no fault on your part. She changed her mind about something that is important to you, that is fair enough, she is entitled to do so, so are you.

[Art_Critic]

In my book this rates up there with a broken vow.

 

ahhh.. you might want to look into the fact that her age isn't exactly kind to pregnancy for either the child or the mother.

 

A broken vow.... that's a bit extreme

Now if she was 24 years of age then you have more pull with your thinking but to disallow her the change of decision at her age isn't really appropriate being that health and it cab even get to life and death considering you may have to choose to end the life of the fetus if the baby has downs.

 

I was fearful of the consequences for my wife as well going thru it at age 40..

 

To the OP.. would you be worried about your wife and her health ?

[carhill]

OP, to expand, when I describe MC, I see it differently than 'couples therapy', meaning the MC is a licensed psychologist. There are a lot of dynamics within this realm of marital interaction which obtain to the psychology (and psychological history) of the participants. I think it's worth a try. It is a lot cheaper than a divorce and a lot less painful than a lifetime of 'making do'.

[Scrybe]

Good point on the age. If I were her age I'd feel the same. My point is that if she meant to keep the promise it should have happened a few years earlier. I think here age is another reason to confirm it is too late for her....but not for him. And it doesn't change the broken promise...one of the reasons he agreed to get married to her. I'm not advocating that she get pregnant. I'm advocating that he either accept things for what they are and be happy with her or move on but having another child to her is slim to none based on her response and adding to that your point about the danger is likely ...none.

 

 

 

 

ahhh.. you might want to look into the fact that her age isn't exactly kind to pregnancy for either the child or the mother.

 

A broken vow.... that's a bit extreme

Now if she was 24 years of age then you have more pull with your thinking but to disallow her the change of decision at her age isn't really appropriate being that health and it cab even get to life and death considering you may have to choose to end the life of the fetus if the baby has downs.

 

I was fearful of the consequences for my wife as well going thru it at age 40..

 

To the OP.. would you be worried about your wife and her health ?

[Green]

Great post..

 

It is true that at age 43 there are more downsides to pregnancy than upsides..

My wife was 39 when she got pregnant and let me tell you.. it was tough going thru all the testing and not knowing and then when you see the statistical data on age and pregnancy you see how those 4 extra years would dramatically affect your chances of a viable pregnancy.

 

To the OP Why did you both wait this long in the marriage to consider it ?

 

He was silly to be marying a 37 year old women who already had kids and wasn't ready to imeadetly start making more.

 

Tough situation.

 

Desire for having your 'own' children vs love for your current family.

 

It is for you to weigh up each side and see which one comes out heavier.

 

No one can tell you what to do. Your choices are clear, almost stark, in contrast.

 

I cannot imagine being in such a difficult position.

 

All I can say is if you decide to leave because of this there is no fault on your part. She changed her mind about something that is important to you, that is fair enough, she is entitled to do so, so are you.

 

I would say that it really shouldn't be any ones fault. It just kind of a silly situation that HE COULD HAVE seen comming.

 

ahhh.. you might want to look into the fact that her age isn't exactly kind to pregnancy for either the child or the mother.

 

A broken vow.... that's a bit extreme

Now if she was 24 years of age then you have more pull with your thinking but to disallow her the change of decision at her age isn't really appropriate being that health and it cab even get to life and death considering you may have to choose to end the life of the fetus if the baby has downs.

 

I was fearful of the consequences for my wife as well going thru it at age 40..

 

To the OP.. would you be worried about your wife and her health ?

 

I agree about her age, but he still has some other options as far as having a bio kid and staying with this woman. He could get a surogate mother to be inseminated with his sperm and give him a bio kid. Really might be the answer to all of this if he really wants to stay with this woman.

 

I personaly would leave this woman and marry a woman in her late 20's or very early 30's and start the family

[agonizing over kids]

Ack! I stopped receiving email updates on the thread. I apologize for the radio silence. Thanks to everyone for their input. I'll try and consolidate here for clarity's sake.

 

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]2sure said:

[/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]You say her decision was based in part on those reasons....what are the others? Have anything to do with you or the marriage?

 

But I cant help but get the feeling that your wife's decision to not have children with you is solely based on HER. It sounds like you personally brought some issues into the marriage , or developed as the marriage progressed...that left her feeling that the relationship or you...were not stable and secure enough to offer a new child. You do pretty much blame your wife's decision not to have more children ...on your own drinking problem, depression, and emotional breakdown.

Are you saying that none of those conditions existed BEFORE she completely changed her mind?

 

Her advancing age, lack of motherly instinct, and cohort support issues were the only factors that she told to me at the time. In recent weeks (i.e., 2010), she has indicated that the drinking, my work issues also factored in back then. As a result of those issues in addition to her own, she felt that the relationship wasn't secure enough, I suppose. Should I have seen that then? yeah, probably. I can't go back and change it now and I never knew the impact it was having on her decision at the time. It's largely immaterial at this point; it doesn't change the current situation.

 

====

 

[sIZE=2]Art critic said:

[/sIZE][FONT=Times New Roman]Q1: To the OP Why did you both wait this long in the marriage to consider it ?

Q2: To the OP.. would you be worried about your wife and her health ?

[/FONT][sIZE=2][/sIZE]

Q1: We started talking about it in year 1.5 of the marriage when she was 38. Q2: At this point, I would of course be worried about her health. She's not going forward with it no matter what, so it's besides the main point, I think.

 

===

[sIZE=2]Green said:

 

[/sIZE][FONT=Times New Roman]Point 1: hmmm... I just don't understand why you would marry a 37 year old woman now 43 who had kids already and take this long to realize she is not going to ever want kids.

 

Point 2: He was silly to be marying a 37 year old women who already had kids and wasn't ready to imeadetly start making more.

 

Point 3: It just kind of a silly situation that HE COULD HAVE seen comming.

[/FONT]

The joys of hindsight! I could have seen it coming, I suppose, in the absence of all else. Instead, I relied on her explicit and firm assertions that she wanted to have more kids - an assertion that impacted the home we bought, the timing of other major life decisions, and numerous other factors. To your point 1, as I noted above, we did not wait till year 6 to start talking about this. The situation changed in year 2. I've struggled from the intervening 4ish years because of my love for her and the kids.

 

Point 2: I wasn't so silly. I expected that she would want to make more soon after getting married. My error was well justified, in my opinion, and based on her strenuous and explicit representations. Should I have seen the bait-and-switch coming? That would reflect a fundamental distrust of her and the whole situation that I was not entertaining at the time of marriage. Should I have? Maybe. I beat myself up over it all the time.

 

In any event, I certainly don't think the situation to be silly now.

 

Thanks again to everyone for the constructive comments. I deeply appreciate it all.

 

j

[Cinnamon2000]

1) Do you believe that she never really wanted any kids, but just say so to trick you into marrying her and take care of her children?

 

2) Are you making more money than she does?

 

3) Does she know that you're considering leaving the marriage due to her unwillingness to have at least a kid with you?

[rewe4reel]

I think your wife did not break a promise so much as never really intended to follow through in the first place.

 

This situation has all the earmarkings of a woman who was looking for a step-dad for her children.

 

A woman in that position would say anything you want to hear to land you.

 

Why would a 37 year old woman, with two kids already, agree to have children just because you asked?

 

When woman want to have children, they will prioritize it to the man, not the other way around.

[agonizing over kids]

1) Do you believe that she never really wanted any kids, but just say so to trick you into marrying her and take care of her children?

 

In my most cynical moments, yes. In my most hopeful moments, I doubt it. I can't say one way or the other. Only she can answer that, I suppose.

 

2) Are you making more money than she does?

 

Yep. By a substantial margin.

 

3) Does she know that you're considering leaving the marriage due to her unwillingness to have at least a kid with you?

 

Yes. It is now firmly and openly on the table.