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How can husband cope with Retroactive Jealousy


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I have been lurking for about a week~ reading as much as i can about retroactive jealousy.. This is my first post.. Thank god for the last guys post about it or I would have never figured out what was wrong with my poor husband.

 

My husband has been suffering with this for a little over a week :( My heart hurts so bad for him because this is just not how he is. He's an all around good man~ and i'm not just saying that to be nice. I have been with him for over 16 years and we have been married for almost 9, we also have two children. He is the 2nd guy i've ever slept with and i am the 2nd girl he has ever slept with. We started dating in highschool. He knew I had been in a previous relationship and had intercourse with that guy. He also new it wasn't a "healthy" relationship. The guy was two years older than me and would belittle me and pressured me into having sex. My husband also had a previous relationship and had intercourse with the partner. So in the beginning it was no biggie about the past relationship. Then about a year into our relationship he started being "haunted" by my past relationship. We were a little rocky for about 5 months but we got through it. Well............. here we are again 15 years later and I feel like i've been punched in the gut all over again because of this BS...

 

My husband admits he feels like he doesn't compare to the other guy~ which in my mind is crazy because my husband is AMAZING in every way. He is now having anxiety attacks and depression.. The only time he is somewhat ok is when I am home comforting him (which I don't mind). He is having a very hard time working. Every day he has different "situations" in his head. He is asking me to remember things about the past relationship that I just can't remember anymore nor do I care to remember. He keeps apologizing to me over and over again and tells me he just "can't help it". And the thing that comforts him the most is sex. The first time he went through this 15 years ago he was the exact opposite~ he was cold and distant. Everyday is different but this is some horrible sad stuff and it is very real.

 

He is considering therapy but will not do medication.. Has anyone ever been on either end of this situation. What can I do for him?? Should we do marriage counseling or should he do individual counseling.. My heart is breaking for this man..

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sally4sara
I have been lurking for about a week~ reading as much as i can about retroactive jealousy.. This is my first post.. Thank god for the last guys post about it or I would have never figured out what was wrong with my poor husband.

 

My husband has been suffering with this for a little over a week :( My heart hurts so bad for him because this is just not how he is. He's an all around good man~ and i'm not just saying that to be nice. I have been with him for over 16 years and we have been married for almost 9, we also have two children. He is the 2nd guy i've ever slept with and i am the 2nd girl he has ever slept with. We started dating in highschool. He knew I had been in a previous relationship and had intercourse with that guy. He also new it wasn't a "healthy" relationship. The guy was two years older than me and would belittle me and pressured me into having sex. My husband also had a previous relationship and had intercourse with the partner. So in the beginning it was no biggie about the past relationship. Then about a year into our relationship he started being "haunted" by my past relationship. We were a little rocky for about 5 months but we got through it. Well............. here we are again 15 years later and I feel like i've been punched in the gut all over again because of this BS...

 

My husband admits he feels like he doesn't compare to the other guy~ which in my mind is crazy because my husband is AMAZING in every way. He is now having anxiety attacks and depression.. The only time he is somewhat ok is when I am home comforting him (which I don't mind). He is having a very hard time working. Every day he has different "situations" in his head. He is asking me to remember things about the past relationship that I just can't remember anymore nor do I care to remember. He keeps apologizing to me over and over again and tells me he just "can't help it". And the thing that comforts him the most is sex. The first time he went through this 15 years ago he was the exact opposite~ he was cold and distant. Everyday is different but this is some horrible sad stuff and it is very real.

 

He is considering therapy but will not do medication.. Has anyone ever been on either end of this situation. What can I do for him?? Should we do marriage counseling or should he do individual counseling.. My heart is breaking for this man..

 

Something had to have happened for him to be back to this 15 years later. Either the one other woman he has been with popped up causing him to reflect on the feels he once had for her - and then wondering if you still think about the only other guy you were with. Or he experienced a situation where he was propositioned by someone else. Maybe he has a uber religious relative that pesters him about having not married a virgin. Maybe a friend or co-worker is dealing with their wife cheating with an old flame.

The thing that makes me think this is that he now seems more interested in you sexually reassuring him rather than how he reacted about it 15 years ago.

SOMETHING happened for him to be back to this; it isn't likely that he just woke up one day and chose to be bothered 15 years later.

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jenifer1972

I find it difficult to believe that the real issue here is your past because your numbers are essentially the same. It's not like your number is 50 and his is 2. I think it is a distraction for him that keeps him from facing a real issue his psyche is not ready to face yet. That is what happened to the original poster in the other thread.

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Something had to have happened for him to be back to this 15 years later. Either the one other woman he has been with popped up causing him to reflect on the feels he once had for her - and then wondering if you still think about the only other guy you were with. Or he experienced a situation where he was propositioned by someone else. Maybe he has a uber religious relative that pesters him about having not married a virgin. Maybe a friend or co-worker is dealing with their wife cheating with an old flame.

The thing that makes me think this is that he now seems more interested in you sexually reassuring him rather than how he reacted about it 15 years ago.

SOMETHING happened for him to be back to this; it isn't likely that he just woke up one day and chose to be bothered 15 years later.

 

Yes something did happen to him..... with his mother :(

 

About 10-12 years ago she had borrowed money him on two occasions equalling about $6,000. Of course she promised she would pay it back.. Fast forward to 6 years ago ~ she gave my husband some "papers" to hold on to for her (in other words hide from DH's dad). Then 2 years ago she gave him another "envelope" to hold onto.. Finally he got suspicious and opened both envelopes that she had taped closed. Low and behold there was about $8000 in them... He was not a happy camper.. We had been going through financial difficulties and to find out his mother has been screwing him over.

 

Well about two months ago I was teasing DH and said something dirty LOL.. I said let's "do it" on the sliding board of the swing set of the yard.. He giggled and said "lets do it"... But it was cold out and we never talked about it again.

 

About 2 1/2 weeks ago his mother kept trying to get a hold of me to pick up her "papers".. I kept ignoring the phone calls~ she needed to deal with DH on this one.. She wasn't sneaking this one past him.. He wanted to confront her. He's kept his mouth shut for so long about his money. So finally he talked to her and she ended up coming over on Saturday while I was at work to pick them up... He then confronted her and told her he took $4000 out of the envelopes and said "Now we are even" and told her not to worry about paying the rest of it back to him. She said she never remembered borrowing money from him!!!!!!! She has a history of lying.. So needless to say he wasn't happy with her AT ALL>..

Then later that afternoon we're outside watching the kids play and says something about the slide askin me if I ever did it with the ex on a slide.. I was like NOOOOO !!!! WTH is wrong with you. Then he said don't lie to me because I've already been lied to enough today (meaning his mother). I've been dealing with this jealousy ever since that very moment :(

 

I have never been happy with the things she has done or said to him.. Telling him she was divorcing his father.. She always tried to put DH against his father which didn't work. But DH could never "see it" the way I did. She suffers from depression and anxiety and one time was hospitalized and my father in law found like $12,000 hiding in different purses in her bedroom (they have separate rooms).

 

 

Do you think this could be stemming from her or not??????

Edited by 1qkblugt
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jenifer1972

Absolutely. This is misplaced blame, and I guess he is not ready to be really angry at her, so he's distracting himself with your past.

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Absolutely. This is misplaced blame, and I guess he is not ready to be really angry at her, so he's distracting himself with your past.

 

Most of her obscene behavior started when he was in his late teens and early twenties. I believe she took advantage of him :( It makes me so sad... But he denies it's because of his mother. I watched her do this and have just kept my mouth shut !!!! I didn't want to intrude on the mother son relationship.. Untill she wanted me to put her "papers" in my closet LOL

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sally4sara
Yes something did happen to him..... with his mother :(

 

About 10-12 years ago she had borrowed money him on two occasions equalling about $6,000. Of course she promised she would pay it back.. Fast forward to 6 years ago ~ she gave my husband some "papers" to hold on to for her (in other words hide from DH's dad). Then 2 years ago she gave him another "envelope" to hold onto.. Finally he got suspicious and opened both envelopes that she had taped closed. Low and behold there was about $8000 in them... He was not a happy camper.. We had been going through financial difficulties and to find out his mother has been screwing him over.

 

Well about two months ago I was teasing DH and said something dirty LOL.. I said let's "do it" on the sliding board of the swing set of the yard.. He giggled and said "lets do it"... But it was cold out and we never talked about it again.

 

About 2 1/2 weeks ago his mother kept trying to get a hold of me to pick up her "papers".. I kept ignoring the phone calls~ she needed to deal with DH on this one.. She wasn't sneaking this one past him.. He wanted to confront her. He's kept his mouth shut for so long about his money. So finally he talked to her and she ended up coming over on Saturday while I was at work to pick them up... He then confronted her and told her he took $4000 out of the envelopes and said "Now we are even" and told her not to worry about paying the rest of it back to him. She said she never remembered borrowing money from him!!!!!!! She has a history of lying.. So needless to say he wasn't happy with her AT ALL>..

Then later that afternoon we're outside watching the kids play and says something about the slide askin me if I ever did it with the ex on a slide.. I was like NOOOOO !!!! WTH is wrong with you. Then he said don't lie to me because I've already been lied to enough today (meaning his mother). I've been dealing with this jealousy ever since that very moment :(

 

I have never been happy with the things she has done or said to him.. Telling him she was divorcing his father.. She always tried to put DH against his father which didn't work. But DH could never "see it" the way I did. She suffers from depression and anxiety and one time was hospitalized and my father in law found like $12,000 hiding in different purses in her bedroom (they have separate rooms).

 

 

Do you think this could be stemming from her or not??????

 

Well she represents someone whom he should be able to unconditionally trust, but if she has a history of lying - why NOW start deflecting his unresolved issues with her onto you? I can see how the recent confrontation with her could make it somewhat relevant, but he couldn't have been completely lambasted by her actions if she has acted similar in the past.

 

It is, however, quite possible that the recent confrontation cemented his issues with his mother and that is what he is actually depressed about. And rather than deal with finding peace over it, is focusing on something that cannot really be resolved by you. You can never undo a past relationship.

 

But his sudden interest in something so long ago dead and hassling you for info is way out of line. Projecting it on you (if he is indeed projecting) would have him wondering what you are CURRENTLY hiding from him. It would make more sense if he thought you were currently seeing someone else or thought you were hiding financial stuff from him.

 

Consider this:

You have some really bad turn of events with one of your relatives about some inheritance where what should have come to you is denied from you.

And suddenly you can't deal with him having not been a virgin when y'all married and start pressuring him for info about that ONE long gone girl?

 

I'm thinking no, there is more to this but his recent confrontation with his ma probably just added fuel to the fire.

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She's_NotInLove_w/Me
Something had to have happened for him to be back to this 15 years later. Either the one other woman he has been with popped up causing him to reflect on the feels he once had for her - and then wondering if you still think about the only other guy you were with. Or he experienced a situation where he was propositioned by someone else. Maybe he has a uber religious relative that pesters him about having not married a virgin. Maybe a friend or co-worker is dealing with their wife cheating with an old flame.

The thing that makes me think this is that he now seems more interested in you sexually reassuring him rather than how he reacted about it 15 years ago.

SOMETHING happened for him to be back to this; it isn't likely that he just woke up one day and chose to be bothered 15 years later.

 

The above is spot on.

 

My wife and I were both virgins when we met. There was one guy from college who wanted to be sexually intimate with her; they were even back in her room together after a party at one point... I used to play the whole scene in my head over and over again. I look back at it now and know it was EXTREMELY REDICULOUS.... but at the time it used to haunt me.

 

There will always be something, someone, some situation that will make even the most secure of individuals insecure. Learning how to handle this and deal with it appropriately is a big part of marriage and/or relationships.

 

At least he is somewhat aware of what's going on and is prepared to deal with it. I, like your husband, would go to great lengths to not take any unnecessary meds either.

 

The two of you can get through this, I think one of the best ways to move forward is to try and fiugre out the trigger that brought it back to the forefront of his mind...

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Go for marriage counseling. Maybe he needs to hear it from an objective third party. In the meantime, you could say, "But honey, I chose you not him. You are the one who WON!" He probably believes women can't be trusted, which comes from his mother and is now projected onto you and all women. :rolleyes:

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Wellllll.....

 

He told me the thoughts started in mid winter and he didn't confront me till after the incident with his mother. He said he was planning on asking me about it anyway~ just didn't know how :( There was a specific incident that brought it on.

 

It started like this ~ he was working night work temporarily, for about 3 weeks. He would wake up at 11:30 pm when I would get in bed.. So obviously this is when we were able to have our sexual time with each other. He asked me if he could "slam" me (omg can't believe I just said that :eek: ) Well he did and it was like nothing he ever did to me before. When he was done I told him not to do that to me ever again.. OK so I totally forget about it.. Until yesterday when he told me about it. Then I was like OMG i know what he's gonna say next :( My heart was breaking for him.

 

He said the look on my face when he was doing that was a face of horror and distress that he has never seen.. And of course his mind could only think of one thing or person ~ my ex. He knows a lot about the situation because we were friends when I was trying to break it off with the ex. He knew I wasn't respected and was treated as an object, and also belittled. I told him that yes he did scare me when he did that.. ( I had to tell him the truth because I just can't lie to him ) Also it made me think of porno sex (sorry not a fan of porn~ maybe someday but not now)...

 

He also told me that I am his wife and he loves me but it just killed him to see that look on my face and know what I was thinking.. He said I should be able to do that to my WIFE. He's not mad at me it just got him thinking about me doing it with the ex .. And he started remembering everything we talked about when we were friends.

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She's_NotInLove_w/Me

OK, so now we know the event that triggered it...

 

In my opinion, this is definitely something that needs to be sorted out in couples counseling.

 

Lets face it, he is the one being irrational recalling you and your ex, but you may have some issues about what happened to you back then also...

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OK, so now we know the event that triggered it...

 

In my opinion, this is definitely something that needs to be sorted out in couples counseling.

 

Lets face it, he is the one being irrational recalling you and your ex, but you may have some issues about what happened to you back then also...

 

We were talking about couples counseling yesterday.. We will be going over our finances this week so we can figure out how to fit it in financially.

 

DH knows he has a problem and he wants to get it worked out. As for me, I have to admit I regret the whole ex thing. Wish I never gave it up to him. He really was screwed up in the head.

My husband is the first one that ever made love to me so it always made me sad inside that he technically wasn't my first... If we could only turn back time LOL

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Updated ~

 

Dh has went to see a therapist.. He has seen him two times so far and it has helped tremendously. We have figured out he isn't exactly suffering from retroactive jealousy. The therapist said he is pretty much suffering from a loss.. Not like the loss of a loved one though. He is having a hard time that this "happened" to me and feels like something was stolen from him.

 

This whole situation has been hard for me because now that I am older I realize that something was stolen from me :( I was young and that guy knew what he was doing!!! He pressured and threatened me to do things I wasn't happy about doing. Thank god I got myself out of that toxic relationship!! I know I can't change the past but i sure wish I could.

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She's_NotInLove_w/Me

Glad to read the update and see that you guys are working through this! Perhaps some IC would benefit you also.

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You are on the right track--your husband needs some help here. For a grown man to be besdie himself because his wife once slept with another man (the horror!) is not normal. Not if you don;t like in rural Afghanistan or something.

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Glad to read the update and see that you guys are working through this! Perhaps some IC would benefit you also.

 

My husband eventually wants me to go in with him. The therapist said from what my husband tells him I obviously have some issues with it myself.

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jenifer1972

I have to respectfully disagree with the therapist a bit. A feeling of loss is a definite part of retroactive jealousy. There is a feeling that something was stolen, something special that you wish was yours alone to share with your loved one.

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He also told me that I am his wife and he loves me but it just killed him to see that look on my face and know what I was thinking.. He said I should be able to do that to my WIFE. He's not mad at me it just got him thinking about me doing it with the ex .. And he started remembering everything we talked about when we were friends.

 

Yeah, hello, that is completely out of line and inappropriate. He shouldn't be able to "slam" his wife just because she's his wife, or any woman for that matter, unless that's what she wants and is into.

 

That kind of thinking is f*cked up!

 

Is that what he's thinking he's lost? The ability to "slam" f*ck you at will? Sorry, he needs to get over himself and his porn fantasies.

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make me believe

So you slept with another guy, before you even knew your husband. He also slept with another girl, before he knew you. And yet all of a sudden, 16 years later, he is suddenly having issues that he "lost" something?? What did he "lose"? The same thing you "lost" in not being his first partner?? WHO CARES? And now his therapist has you both convinced that YOU are the one with the issue here? Come on! I read this thread when you first posted and thought it seemed really odd... but now I come back and find that his therapist has you both thinking that you have issues (convenient how your "issues" are only surfacing now that your husband is irrationally obsessing about something that happened a few times 16 YEARS AGO, hm?), and your husband is suffering from some kind of "loss"... I think it's ridiculous & he needs a new therapist.

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jenifer1972

I agree, given the extreme number of years and then this comes up.. It is deflection from the real issue, which may involve his mother?..in this case?

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  • 1 month later...

Retroactive jealousy is related to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and insecure attachment. Men(mostly) who had rejecting or inconsistent mothers/primary carers are reliving past traumas from early childhood. These betrayals/traumas build upon themselves over time. They are initially suppressed but they recur in each subsequent relationship until they finally break out as PTSD. It's likely that he never was made to feel like he was a valid person as a child. He's paranoid and cannot trust because he is in the same hypervigilant state he was accustomed to being in past betrayals/traumas. He's very insecure with himself because of all this and he's likely been very insecure all his life. He probably feels like he's never been authentic because he doesn't know who he really is (he was never allowed to find out). He'll need to process those earlier traumas with therapy and also work to change a lot of cognitive distortions that he's lived with all along (but was afraid to admit). Shame and fear of abandonment are a big part of this as well. The best thing that you can do is continue to nurture him, make him feel safe and loved and try to let any anger that comes your way roll off your back because it's not actually directed at you. He's an adult but in many ways he sees you as his mother. It's not his fault or yours but that's what you're dealing with until he can get unstuck from this and see himself safely as an individual in the world. It's not all bad because he is very devoted to you and if your relationship has been largely functional that means that you two can work well together now and in the future. One thing, never EVER compare him with other men from your past or present in any way that is unfavorable to him. Although this is not the long term solution it would help relieve some of his anxiety if you can make him feel like he's the only one ever in your eyes and that anyone else was meaningless to you and that they were **** compared to him. But be careful, if he thinks you're just making **** up so he feels better it can erode trust and believe me he will be watching every word. Avoid at all costs words that may trigger him or giving him new triggers. This is a tough one and is very deep seated going back to the very beginning. He probably doesn't trust other men and sees them on some level as dangerous competitors. A Freudian would say that this is a severely unresolved Oedipus complex. Jealousy is a very primitive primordial reaction stemming from the reptilian brain or Amygdala. We all have one and we all have the capacity to act this way under certain stressors.

 

He can recover from this with work and time.

 

This is very real and anyone who says he should just 'get over it' doesn't have a clue.

 

Good luck to both of you.

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Retroactive jealousy is related to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and insecure attachment. Men(mostly) who had rejecting or inconsistent mothers/primary carers are reliving past traumas from early childhood. These betrayals/traumas build upon themselves over time. They are initially suppressed but they recur in each subsequent relationship until they finally break out as PTSD. It's likely that he never was made to feel like he was a valid person as a child. He's paranoid and cannot trust because he is in the same hypervigilant state he was accustomed to being in past betrayals/traumas. He's very insecure with himself because of all this and he's likely been very insecure all his life. He probably feels like he's never been authentic because he doesn't know who he really is (he was never allowed to find out). He'll need to process those earlier traumas with therapy and also work to change a lot of cognitive distortions that he's lived with all along (but was afraid to admit). Shame and fear of abandonment are a big part of this as well. The best thing that you can do is continue to nurture him, make him feel safe and loved and try to let any anger that comes your way roll off your back because it's not actually directed at you. He's an adult but in many ways he sees you as his mother. It's not his fault or yours but that's what you're dealing with until he can get unstuck from this and see himself safely as an individual in the world. It's not all bad because he is very devoted to you and if your relationship has been largely functional that means that you two can work well together now and in the future. One thing, never EVER compare him with other men from your past or present in any way that is unfavorable to him. Although this is not the long term solution it would help relieve some of his anxiety if you can make him feel like he's the only one ever in your eyes and that anyone else was meaningless to you and that they were **** compared to him. But be careful, if he thinks you're just making **** up so he feels better it can erode trust and believe me he will be watching every word. Avoid at all costs words that may trigger him or giving him new triggers. This is a tough one and is very deep seated going back to the very beginning. He probably doesn't trust other men and sees them on some level as dangerous competitors. A Freudian would say that this is a severely unresolved Oedipus complex. Jealousy is a very primitive primordial reaction stemming from the reptilian brain or Amygdala. We all have one and we all have the capacity to act this way under certain stressors.

 

He can recover from this with work and time.

 

This is very real and anyone who says he should just 'get over it' doesn't have a clue.

 

Good luck to both of you.

 

Thank you for your post !! It is greatly appreciated :)

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