Embarrassed of people thinking my boyfriend doesn't want to marry me

[MarthaX]

I wasn't sure whether to title this with "thinking/knowing" or just "thinking." "Knowing" is true but that sounds indefinite like it would never happen.

So, I'm not sure when he's going to pop the question but I have a feeling there is a chance for this summer. I won't know until the summer though!

 

I've been with my boyfriend for over 10 years now and we aren't engaged, we have reached our mid 20's. People always ask me about it and I just say I don't want to yet even though that's not true.

A few months ago his female cousin that is also in a long term relationship with her boyfriend was playing with a ring that fell on the ground. It fell at my feet and she picked it up as she was kneeling down and said "oh will you marry me? We may as well since our boyfriends SUCK!" I didn't know what to say so I just giggled. So of course I assume she thinks/knows he doesn't want to. Which makes me feel like my relationship looks like a negative situation.

 

Then my friend at dinner asked him when we are getting married. He didn't even hear her and he thought he missed a joke and he laughed a little and just wasn't paying attention. And she said "oh no now he hates me!" and I feel like now she'll tell everyone he doesn't want to, and that's my own business.

 

I'm in his sister's wedding and everyone knows how long we've been together and I can't help but feel worried people will ask me why we aren't or assume. I'd rather they ask.

I think I care because again, I care about our relationship and nobody wants people to think badly of things that matter a lot to them. I don't want people to think negatively about my relationship or how my boyfriend feels about me. I feel embarrassed, it's just nobody's business..

 

What do you think? I don't want to feel this way. I don't think I should feel like people have expectations on a relationship that isn't theirs, but at the same time maybe I am giving myself too much credit in assuming anyone really gives a crap if we're engaged or not!

Edited April 25, 2010 by MarthaX

[Kamille]

Have you two talked about marriage? What has he said? Does he want to get married? Has he let you know you're the one?

 

Have you shared your concerns about other people's opinions with him?

 

In my opinion, other people's opinion of my relationship doesn't matter as long as bf and I are on the same page about it.

 

Step one for you guys would therefore be to assess if you're both on the same page when it comes to wanting to get married.

[tnttim]

Who cares what people think, really. People are going to talk regardless of the reason you give them, it's what we do to past time.

 

I think your issues are more with him than anybody else since he is the one holding back the proposal.

 

I know women dream of their weddings since they were little girls, and that holds a lot of emotional baggage for them. But do really want to start life out together knowing you had to coerse him into asking, I wouldn't.

[Kamille]

 

But do really want to start life out together knowing you had to coerse him into asking, I wouldn't.

 

Or that the only reason you got married is to avoid other people's negative judgement?

 

That being said, I still think it's important to bring up the topic of marriage - before any resentment starts on your end. He should know you would be honored to be his wife.

 

I've dated a man in the past who didn't believe in marriage (it's fairly common in my networks). I hope, for you, that by now you at least know that he believes in marriage and that your only concern is when he will pop the question.

[xxoo]

I think I care because again, I care about our relationship and nobody wants people to think badly of things that matter a lot to them. I don't want people to think negatively about my relationship or how my boyfriend feels about me. I feel embarrassed, it's just nobody's business..

 

It sounds to me like you care because YOU think he should have asked by now. If you truly didn't care...if you were truly ok with the way things are...you would project that and others would know things are the way you want them to be.

 

 

But, yeah, it really is no one's business but yours. Next time someone asks, respond with "Why do you ask?" and watch them shut up

[Cinnamon2000]

I wasn't sure whether to title this with "thinking/knowing" or just "thinking." "Knowing" is true but that sounds indefinite like it would never happen.

So, I'm not sure when he's going to pop the question but I have a feeling there is a chance for this summer. I won't know until the summer though!

 

 

Are you living together?

[MarthaX]

We have talked about it a lot, I have brought it up each time. But then again, I usually am the one to bring anything up! Still...

 

We do not live together but plan to this fall.

 

We were at a party and someone asked how long we'd been together and the reaction is so embarrassing... would be so much less to say we are at least engaged. I don't want to get married just to avoid embarrassment but that really makes me insecure. I still feel so embarrassed!

 

This past weekend when I asked him about this summer if we'd be engaged he said it was a possibility. But then the curiosity gets the best of me and I ask again and he says it really irritates him.

 

Are there any ideas by what he means by a "possibility"? Like what does it depend on? He just won't tell me... but the living together seems solid.

I've explained I'd much rather buy furniture and build a home with a fiance than a boyfriend-- because after so many years I'd like more is all.

 

I think when people ask me how long we've been together I'll just say "ohhh a looong time!" "like how long?" "I lost count after 100!" or something. Maybe I just haven't done enough to avoid the situation if it bothers me so much...

[Cinnamon2000]

We have talked about it a lot, I have brought it up each time. But then again, I usually am the one to bring anything up! Still...

 

We do not live together but plan to this fall.

 

We were at a party and someone asked how long we'd been together and the reaction is so embarrassing... would be so much less to say we are at least engaged. I don't want to get married just to avoid embarrassment but that really makes me insecure. I still feel so embarrassed!

 

This past weekend when I asked him about this summer if we'd be engaged he said it was a possibility. But then the curiosity gets the best of me and I ask again and he says it really irritates him.

 

Are there any ideas by what he means by a "possibility"? Like what does it depend on? He just won't tell me... but the living together seems solid.

I've explained I'd much rather buy furniture and build a home with a fiance than a boyfriend-- because after so many years I'd like more is all.

 

I think when people ask me how long we've been together I'll just say "ohhh a looong time!" "like how long?" "I lost count after 100!" or something. Maybe I just haven't done enough to avoid the situation if it bothers me so much...

 

He gets everything he wants from you, right? Sex, affection, support, companionship, etc. Why does he have to propose? As far as he is concerned, he's set and satisfied, not to mention that you'll be moving in together too. Everything is fine, thus, no motivation to get that extra commitment step.

[Enema]

Does he even believe in marriage?

 

How would you feel if he said he loves you and wants to be with you forever, but he personally doesn't ever want to waste time and money on an expensive ceremony that really does nothing.

[spookie]

If you want to get married, I don't think you should move in with him before you're engaged. That seems to be the kiss of death for the possibility of engagement for couples who have been together that long.

 

I don't like how he says it "irritates" him to discuss this. I think it's pretty important to know where your partner stands on the issue, after 10 years.

[SarahRose]

You have been together for 10 years why haven't you just asked him if he is going to marry you and when.

 

 

My opinion is that he isn't going to but likes the company and sex and isn't going to end it.

[xxoo]

We were at a party and someone asked how long we'd been together and the reaction is so embarrassing... .

 

Stop worrying about other people, and figure out what you need.

 

It is 2010. Lots of people are happily unmarried for decades, and no one bats an eye. It really isn't a big deal if the couple chooses not to marry. Nothing embarrassing about it.

 

After 10 years, you should know if he wants to marry and when. If he doesn't, and marriage is really important to you, you have to move on. It isn't an ultimatum--it is your reality. "This is what I need (be specific). Can you meet this need?"

[Kamille]

He gets everything he wants from you, right? Sex, affection, support, companionship, etc. Why does he have to propose? As far as he is concerned, he's set and satisfied, not to mention that you'll be moving in together too. Everything is fine, thus, no motivation to get that extra commitment step.

 

At the same time, this begs the question: if marriage wouldn't change much: what is he afraid of? Why does the subject of marriage irritate him?

 

Marthax, has he ever given you any reasons for why he wants to wait before getting married? Is he hoping for a better job? Wanting to be able to afford a house? Have his parents gone through a terrible divorce or is their marriage dysfunctional in any way?

 

What does marriage mean to him?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Stop worrying about other people, and figure out what you need.

 

It is 2010. Lots of people are happily unmarried for decades, and no one bats an eye. It really isn't a big deal if the couple chooses not to marry. Nothing embarrassing about it.

 

After 10 years, you should know if he wants to marry and when. If he doesn't, and marriage is really important to you, you have to move on. It isn't an ultimatum--it is your reality. "This is what I need (be specific). Can you meet this need?"

 

For a marriage surviving. You've been together since teens. Haven't had too much experience and should be more concerned with careers and goals at this age.

 

Heck, don't even live together after 10 years.... You two may find that you can't do that together.

 

You seem very focused on marriage and I didn't read whether you still live at home, have traveled together, spent long periods together as a twosome.

 

Frankly I'm more surprised you haven't set up house after 10 years, then the marriage part.

[MarthaX]

^^ literally everyone has a strong reaction to how long we have been together, I wish nobody would bat an eye. It doesn't matter if they ask me, him or our family, the reaction is always a strong one. Maybe it's even our age, in our 20's, maybe if I were much older it would be different, I have no idea.

 

He tells me to stop worrying about it and that "you WILL be engaged," if he's telling me anything about this summer maybe I'll just have to wait and see. He wants to be married but who knows when maybe he is like most guys that don't see a reason to go into that or something if things are a certain way they like already.. But i'd like to be soon, he knows.

[Kamille]

^^ literally everyone has a strong reaction to how long we have been together, I wish nobody would bat an eye. It doesn't matter if they ask me, him or our family, the reaction is always a strong one. Maybe it's even our age, in our 20's, maybe if I were much older it would be different, I have no idea.

 

He tells me to stop worrying about it and that "you WILL be engaged," if he's telling me anything about this summer maybe I'll just have to wait and see. He wants to be married but who knows when maybe he is like most guys that don't see a reason to go into that or something if things are a certain way they like already.. But i'd like to be soon, he knows.

 

Is he where he wants to be in his career?

 

 

I just realized you're in your twenties. I think that because YOU want to be married, you might be misreading people's reactions and comments about marriage. The joke: "our boyfriend sucks" is just that, a joke! It isn't meant to make you feel bad about your relationship. As to someone telling me they've been together for 10 years in their mid-twenties, my reaction would likely be "10 years? wow, that's amazing !" and I wouldn't even think about :"but why aren't they married yet?". Your interpretation of their reaction is likely more about your discomfort then about them judging your relationship.

 

One last thing: if he tells you "You will be engaged, don't worry about it" than how about: trust him! Say YAY thanks sweetie, I can't wait and leave the topic alone. Show him you trust him and want to be married to him because you want to be WITH HIM, not merely to have a ring on your finger. Also, show him you're proud of your relationship as it is and not ashamed of it.

[Eeyore79]

Why can't you propose to him?

 

Seriously though, when so much time has gone past and he hasn't proposed, it makes me doubt that he ever will. Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free, right? Maybe your relationship is comfortable but he doesn't want to be with you forever, hence why he won't make a permanent commitment.

 

In this situation I'd be tempted to issue an ultimatum: Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me, or shall we break up?

[Kamille]

Why can't you propose to him?

 

Seriously though, when so much time has gone past and he hasn't proposed, it makes me doubt that he ever will. Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free, right? Maybe your relationship is comfortable but he doesn't want to be with you forever, hence why he won't make a permanent commitment.

 

In this situation I'd be tempted to issue an ultimatum: Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me, or shall we break up?

 

I don't agree with most of your post Eeyore and worry you will only make her more insecure about the issue .

 

Her bf is in his mid-twenties. He's probably still working at establishing himself in life.

[stillafool]

 

What do you think? I don't want to feel this way. I don't think I should feel like people have expectations on a relationship that isn't theirs, but at the same time maybe I am giving myself too much credit in assuming anyone really gives a crap if we're engaged or not!

 

 

Don't worry about what others think. If they ask you when are you two going to get married, laugh and say "Who said we wanted to get married?!". Leave it at that and walk away. Or say "When we do you will be the first to know". Just make up something stupid to say since people like to ask stupid questions.

[xxoo]

Her bf is in his mid-twenties. He's probably still working at establishing himself in life.

 

That's fine. But maybe she shouldn't be sticking around while he establishes himself if the relationship embarrasses her.

 

And--more importantly--maybe their relationship has some issues beyond commitment if, after 10 years, they can't have a straightfoward, honest conversation about commitment.

[stillafool]

We have talked about it a lot, I have brought it up each time. But then again, I usually am the one to bring anything up! Still...

 

We do not live together but plan to this fall.

 

We were at a party and someone asked how long we'd been together and the reaction is so embarrassing... would be so much less to say we are at least engaged. I don't want to get married just to avoid embarrassment but that really makes me insecure. I still feel so embarrassed!

 

This past weekend when I asked him about this summer if we'd be engaged he said it was a possibility. But then the curiosity gets the best of me and I ask again and he says it really irritates him.

 

Are there any ideas by what he means by a "possibility"? Like what does it depend on? He just won't tell me... but the living together seems solid.

I've explained I'd much rather buy furniture and build a home with a fiance than a boyfriend-- because after so many years I'd like more is all.

 

I think when people ask me how long we've been together I'll just say "ohhh a looong time!" "like how long?" "I lost count after 100!" or something. Maybe I just haven't done enough to avoid the situation if it bothers me so much...

 

Why are you embarrassed? There is nothing to be embarrassed about. It is not other peoples business what you and your bf does. It almost sounds like you want to be married to please other people. You are only in your 20's you have lots of time to settle down and marry.

[stillafool]

That's fine. But maybe she shouldn't be sticking around while he establishes himself if the relationship embarrasses her.

 

And--more importantly--maybe their relationship has some issues beyond commitment if, after 10 years, they can't have a straightfoward, honest conversation about commitment.

 

 

I agree with this as I don't understand what is so embarrassing.

[Lauriebell82]

^^ literally everyone has a strong reaction to how long we have been together, I wish nobody would bat an eye. It doesn't matter if they ask me, him or our family, the reaction is always a strong one. Maybe it's even our age, in our 20's, maybe if I were much older it would be different, I have no idea.

 

I don't know if there reaction is surprise that you aren't engaged, it's probably surprise that you have stayed together that long at such a young age. If 25 year olds told me they had been together for 10 years I'd be like "wow, that's great!" I wouldn't be wondering why they weren't married yet.

 

He tells me to stop worrying about it and that "you WILL be engaged," if he's telling me anything about this summer maybe I'll just have to wait and see. He wants to be married but who knows when maybe he is like most guys that don't see a reason to go into that or something if things are a certain way they like already.. But i'd like to be soon, he knows.

 

My fiance said the same thing last year when I was bugging him about proposing. And he proposed..so I wouldn't worry about it. If you love him, trust him to do right by you.

[make me believe]

I don't know if there reaction is surprise that you aren't engaged, it's probably surprise that you have stayed together that long at such a young age. If 25 year olds told me they had been together for 10 years I'd be like "wow, that's great!" I wouldn't be wondering why they weren't married yet.

 

I was thinking the same thing. You said you're mid-20s, so IMO it's not surprising that you're not married even though you've been together for so long. I mean, half of your relationship took place when you were still teenagers. If you were 35, together 10 yrs, and still not married, that might be a bit odd. But it's not super common for a young mid-20s guy to want to get married.

 

I agree with spookie & cinnamon though, moving in together without a ring on your finger & a date set is a HORRIBLE idea if your end-goal is marriage. You want to BE the wife, not just play the part of the wife, right? So don't move in with this guy without some kind of formal commitment. Otherwise he'll have absolutely no incentive to marry you, because he'll have everything he wants without having to make the commitment that you want.

 

I think you two need to sit down & have a serious talk about what each of you wants & expects for the future. Make sure you're on the same page. If you're not, you may just have to cut your losses. And don't let him get "irritated" with you for bringing up marriage! After TEN YEARS, you deserve to know where the relationship is going. (And I wouldn't accept his "you WILL be engaged" answer either -- or, rather, I'd say "Great! When we are engaged, we can start discussing moving in together :)"

[Enema]

Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free, right?

 

God I hate this phrase... I think it makes more sense when talking about a FWB relationship. eg.

 

Why buy the cow (make her a real girlfriend) when you get the milk (sex) for free?

 

When talking about a long term relationship, it equates to saying: Why buy the cow when you already own it?