Woman in sexless marriage - thinking of having a one night stand

[VeronicaL]

Hi all,

 

I don't know if I am looking for advice or if I just need to get this off my chest but here we go....

 

I am 30 my husband is 34. We have been married for 8 years but together since I was 16. He is the only man I have had sex with, he had three sexual partners before me.

 

Before I go any further I want to make one thing very clear. I love my husband, he is my soul mate, best friend, the man I still want to wake up next to for the rest of my life. I love him no less than I did 14 years ago.

 

However, for the past 10 years our relationship has been fairly sexless, we have had the odd period of regular sex but then nothing for months. We have talked and talked about it and tried anything and everything to get us back on track but the simple fact is my husband has a low libido.

 

By and large I have been happy with this because as I have said, I love my husband and am very happy with every other aspect of our relationship.

 

We moved to a new town a couple of years ago and have started intergrating with the local community. Through the friends we have made I have met a man that has reignited my sexual desires, mainly by realising I am still sexy and wanted. He is not my type, not that attractive but for some reason I really, really want to have sex with him. Just sex, no relationship or emotions just sex.

 

This other man and I flirt a lot with each other and have estabished that yes, we both fancy each other, we don't want anything else other than sex from each other and we would both keep it a very firm secret (he also has a partner).

 

Bearing in mind that I don't have much of a sexual relationship with my husband I am very tempted to have my itch scratched by this man but I do not want to jepordise my marriage. I have thought about asking my husband if he would consider an open marriage as I think he does understand that I simply have a need that he cannot fulfill.

 

Oh, I just dont know what to do but I can't seem to stop thinking about it!

 

Thanks for listening

[CarrieT]

End your marriage. If you are thinking of straying, than you are not committed and there is no way it will be just a one-night stand.

 

Don't say that your husband is your soul-mate because if he was, you would be able to tell him about these feelings and urgings you are having for another person. Best Friends don't keep secrets and you have already crossed that line by not being able to share this.

 

If you do this, you will only want more and your marriage will be destroyed. You either have to resign yourself to a sexless marriage for the rest of your life (if you don't think your marriage will ever be repaired) or get a divorce so that you can find a more sexually-compatible partner.

[dreamingoftigers]

read The Sex Starved Wife and for gods sakes DO NOT CHEAT.

[VeronicaL]

I have been speaking with my husband about our sexual problems and he knows I am unsatisfied, he also knows that the other man and I flirt.

 

I do not want to lie to my husband, which is why I was thinking about broaching an open relationship, as trust and honesty has always been at the heart of our relationship.

[CarrieT]

Read this recent thread about a guy whose girlfriend wants a Open Relationship:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228622/

 

The gist of it is that an open relationship NEVER fixes the problems in a relationship, it amplifies it. Open Relationships are for people who are both interesting in sharing the experience together and already have a strong, supportive relationship.

 

What you are suggesting is a recipe for disaster and this comes from one speaking from extensive experience in the subject.

 

Read through this site; you will find a LOT of people in the same boat and how it ultimately back-fired and ruined their relationships. There is no way to justify what you want to do and have it come out well. Even those with open relationships chime in on this site and relay how it backfires (CatLady's posts will show you that).

[crazycatlady]

Read this recent thread about a guy whose girlfriend wants a Open Relationship:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228622/

 

The gist of it is that an open relationship NEVER fixes the problems in a relationship, it amplifies it. Open Relationships are for people who are both interesting in sharing the experience together and already have a strong, supportive relationship.

 

What you are suggesting is a recipe for disaster and this comes from one speaking from extensive experience in the subject.

 

Read through this site; you will find a LOT of people in the same boat and how it ultimately back-fired and ruined their relationships. There is no way to justify what you want to do and have it come out well. Even those with open relationships chime in on this site and relay how it backfires (CatLady's posts will show you that).

 

LOL I love being an example. But Carrie is right. And open marriage like you are purposing won't work. You have to fix what is wrong with your marriage first. And you must both be comfortable being truthful no matter what, even if it could hurt the other person.

 

You are missing something with your spouse. You will fall for another person as long as something is missing with your spouse. Now you might love both of them, but even that is a recipe for disaster. Being needy opens you up. You must fix home first or leave.

 

CCL

[LonelyTiger]

So what you are really thinking of is having an open marriage - not just a one night stand?

 

My husband was my best friend, we were together 14 years, we discussed an open marriage (I instigated the discussion for reasons similar to yours), never followed it through (thank God!!!), now we're getting divorced!

 

My husband was the one who ended the marriage and he said 'maybe I'm doing you a favour'! My thoughts at the time were WTF??? Now I have to admit he was probably right. I met a great guy and we are 100% sexually compatible.

 

I believe marriage is about love, friendship, commitment and intimacy between two people, NOT between two people plus whoever else they're sexually attracted to.

 

If you really value your marriage staying faithful is your best chance. Otherwise be honest with your husband and yourself. Get out of the marriage and find somebody who rocks your boat enough to stop you looking for thrills elsewhere.

[MichelleZB]

VeronicaL, have the affair. Sex is obviously not that important to your husband, so why would he mind if you do that unimportant thing with other people every once in awhile? If you feel happy in your marriage in other respects--you guys are a good team, you have fun together, you parent well together if you have children, etc.--and you don't feel like leaving him, but just need to have sex every once in awhile, striking up a deal with another attached person for NSA sex is a great way to deal with the problem.

 

Ideally, yes, it's best to do this without lying. It sort of depends on how you think your husband will react, what kind of communication you have, and what your values as a couple are. You can always throw it out there using the Dan Savage method: i.e. saying something like, "I know we don't have sex very often and I want you to know that I'm not mad or resentful about it. It's fine if you don't want to have sex that often with me. I'm still really happy in our relationship and I want to stay together. I am quite horny, though, and I'll have to say that if the opportunity ever presented itself to have completely a casual, no-strings one-night stand, I don't think I'd be able to resist." You can kind of discuss that hypothetically and then drop the subject. If he doesn't react too strongly, he has just given you tacet permission to cheat and not tell him about it.

 

Of course, do the ethical thing: get tested, have the other guy get tested, use condoms.

[SoConfusledandHurt]

I was reading the replies to the original post and got a little peeved.

 

When you talk to your husband what does he say? Does he feel badly about not being more sexual with you? Or does it start a "oh not another one of these convos eye roll from him, leading into a fight? If he feels badly, then maybe you should talk to him more in depth about your desires to feel sexy and womanly and that you would like him to see a dr about his low desire. Are you with him a lot when he is not at work? Are there long periods of time he is by himself? Just curious if he may be using lots of porn/masturbation and doesnt want to hurt your feelings by telling you?

 

If none of those work to liven back up your marriage, and he feels badly about it...maybe an open marriage would work for you...but I really think you should try and fix it with your man first...but also know if he is not really willing to be proactive...then you have issues bigger than sex and need to think about the possibility of divorce.

 

Good luck in whatever you decide and be safe!!!

[quankanne]

have y'all exhausted all other options, such as getting his butt in to see a doctor to see if there's a hormone treatment available for him? Sex therapy/counseling for the both of y'all? Or are you just looking for an answer that appears easy?

 

be mindful of the saying "If it looks too good to be true, it probably is" ... meaning, if you think you can just flounce in and out of an affair without hurting any of the principles involved – yourself, your partner, your spouse, your partner's SO – you're fooling yourself. Check out polyamory websites and specifically brush up on jealousy. Because no matter how much someone says they're agreeable to it, there are bound to be issues that will complicate a "clean" affair.

 

and frankly, losing that kind of trust in a relationship with someone you *claim* to be your best friend just isn't worth that three minutes of bliss ...

[LonelyTiger]

VeronicaL, have the affair. Sex is obviously not that important to your husband, so why would he mind if you do that unimportant thing with other people every once in awhile? If you feel happy in your marriage in other respects--you guys are a good team, you have fun together, you parent well together if you have children, etc.--and you don't feel like leaving him, but just need to have sex every once in awhile, striking up a deal with another attached person for NSA sex is a great way to deal with the problem.

 

You're kidding right?

 

Ideally, yes, it's best to do this without lying. It sort of depends on how you think your husband will react, what kind of communication you have, and what your values as a couple are. You can always throw it out there using the Dan Savage method: i.e. saying something like, "I know we don't have sex very often and I want you to know that I'm not mad or resentful about it. It's fine if you don't want to have sex that often with me. I'm still really happy in our relationship and I want to stay together. I am quite horny, though, and I'll have to say that if the opportunity ever presented itself to have completely a casual, no-strings one-night stand, I don't think I'd be able to resist." You can kind of discuss that hypothetically and then drop the subject. If he doesn't react too strongly, he has just given you tacet permission to cheat and not tell him about it.

 

Sorry Michelle - this is just naive. My situation was almost identical to Veronica's. I had a man waiting in the wings for the nod. (All we wanted from each other was sex). I said almost exactly those words to my husband and I got virtually no reaction from him whatsoever - but he wasn't 'giving me permission'! He was shocked and didn't know what to say. Of course I didn't realise this until the marriage was over because, while we were together, he wouldn't talk about our problems.

 

Men with a low sex drive are usually also more passive in other ways. They are less likely to get 'fired up' (about anything!) than very sexual men with a lot of testosterone. So 'doesn't react too strongly' gives no clue as to what's going on inside his head.

 

Veronica, you really need to do everything in your power to put this right without stepping outside the marriage. If you do decide to go the open marriage route be very sure that your husband is being honest about his feelings. Yes, I did have my fling (once my marriage was over) and while it didn't turn into a full blown affair (it really was just physical for both of us), the sex was far too good for it to be a one night stand.

 

If your husband isn't with you 100% on this, the damage to your relationship will be irrepairable - best friends or not.

[whichwayisup]

Before I go any further I want to make one thing very clear. I love my husband, he is my soul mate, best friend, the man I still want to wake up next to for the rest of my life. I love him no less than I did 14 years ago.

 

Then don't go have a ONS. It'll just open the door to other things, possibly putting yourself in situations where you'll fall inlove or get too attached to another man.

 

Your H doesn't have a high sex drive, that sucks, but you can STILL have intimacy together. He can use a vibe on you, his fingers, his tongue and he can be active in helping you in bed.

[whichwayisup]

I have been speaking with my husband about our sexual problems and he knows I am unsatisfied, he also knows that the other man and I flirt.

 

I do not want to lie to my husband, which is why I was thinking about broaching an open relationship, as trust and honesty has always been at the heart of our relationship.

 

So there IS someone else you have in mind. .. And it won't be JUST a ONS. It'll happen again and again, lead to something else - An affair and your marriage will be ruined.

 

Go to counselling with your H. Or sex therapy. Learn how to 'be' together in other ways.

 

You can't have it both ways as it's just not fair to your H. How would like it if he did this to you? Allowed himself to become close to another woman .. I bet it would hurt you.

[MichelleZB]

This is a joke, right?

 

No, this certainly is no joke, and I hope nobody took my original response as sarcastic. I'd like to clear that up for people that did: I truly do think an affair can help a marriage in some cases. Obviously, it's a risk, because it can also backfire, but in a marriage that's cracking specifically because of sexual problems, sometimes it can be a workable solution.

 

When one partner has shut the other off completely in the bedroom, there's no way the rejected partner is going to be able to handle that for 40 or 50 years or however long it is until one of them dies. Working on the sexual problems is your first avenue, but it looks like they've tried that, and it even looks like the OP's husband was willing to talk and work on things, but no headway has been made. The OP's husband likely feels very guilty for not satisfying his wife and would just like the problem to go away.

 

Sometimes an open marriage can work in this situation. If the OP is interested in this kind of solution, I would suggest checking out Dan Savage's columns/podcasts. He presents a positive picture of non-monogamy that sounds so fun and unscary that it changed my mind on the subject completely.

[crazycatlady]

No, this certainly is no joke, and I hope nobody took my original response as sarcastic. I'd like to clear that up for people that did: I truly do think an affair can help a marriage in some cases. Obviously, it's a risk, because it can also backfire, but in a marriage that's cracking specifically because of sexual problems, sometimes it can be a workable solution.

 

When one partner has shut the other off completely in the bedroom, there's no way the rejected partner is going to be able to handle that for 40 or 50 years or however long it is until one of them dies. Working on the sexual problems is your first avenue, but it looks like they've tried that, and it even looks like the OP's husband was willing to talk and work on things, but no headway has been made. The OP's husband likely feels very guilty for not satisfying his wife and would just like the problem to go away.

 

Sometimes an open marriage can work in this situation. If the OP is interested in this kind of solution, I would suggest checking out Dan Savage's columns/podcasts. He presents a positive picture of non-monogamy that sounds so fun and unscary that it changed my mind on the subject completely.

 

The very fact you advocated lying about it if she thought being open about it wouldn't work, shows you don't understand how an open marriage works.

 

Lying is not being open. Its the opposite of open.

 

My marriage is open, but its not lack of sex that we opened it. In fact, when we go through slumps for whatever reason (illness etc) we don't go outside of the marriage for sex. Because when basic needs are not met at home, this is when problems develop.

 

And even good open marriages can have problems. Cheating can still occur! Its not a easy solution, in fact its a very hard solution that requires communication to be amazing between all involved. She does not have that. And its needed before you could even consider opening things up.

 

My marriage is surviving cheating even though we are open because we have good communication that just went off rail. We are still each other's priority. Most people would not have managed it. I would not recommend this for most couples. Serial monogamy suits most people better.

 

CCL

[VeronicaL]

Dear all,

 

Thanks for your comments, its been good to hear some different opinions.

 

My Husband and I have tried everything, except going to the doctors, which I will suggest before I go any further. My main priority is 100% my husband and if there is a way to improve our sex life I am all for it.

 

I have decided not to do anything with this other man and will ask him to back off a bit.

 

However, should we not be able to improve things and because we have always talked about our problems openly, I will (as sensitivly as possible) discuss the posibility of satisfing my sexual needs outside of the marriage, if he is okay about it (and I WILL know if he is not) then we will take it from there. If he is not, well we shall just have to try and work something out.

 

I feel very strongly that not having sex with my husband spells disaster for my marriage, we are close and intimate in a hundred different ways.

 

I also feel very strongly that if I were to get sex from someone else that I would not 'fall in love' with them, I can tell the difference between the two!

 

To answer the question, how would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot, I can honestly say, so long as he was up front with me and it was just about sex and not any emotional need, I don't think I would mind. I would compare it to him going surfing when I don't want to, he goes without me but it makes him happy, so I don't mind and am happy for him. Sorry I know thats a really crap analogy but I hope you get my meaning!

[crazycatlady]

Dear all,

 

Thanks for your comments, its been good to hear some different opinions.

 

My Husband and I have tried everything, except going to the doctors, which I will suggest before I go any further. My main priority is 100% my husband and if there is a way to improve our sex life I am all for it.

 

I have decided not to do anything with this other man and will ask him to back off a bit.

 

However, should we not be able to improve things and because we have always talked about our problems openly, I will (as sensitivly as possible) discuss the posibility of satisfing my sexual needs outside of the marriage, if he is okay about it (and I WILL know if he is not) then we will take it from there. If he is not, well we shall just have to try and work something out.

 

I feel very strongly that not having sex with my husband spells disaster for my marriage, we are close and intimate in a hundred different ways.

 

I also feel very strongly that if I were to get sex from someone else that I would not 'fall in love' with them, I can tell the difference between the two!

 

To answer the question, how would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot, I can honestly say, so long as he was up front with me and it was just about sex and not any emotional need, I don't think I would mind. I would compare it to him going surfing when I don't want to, he goes without me but it makes him happy, so I don't mind and am happy for him. Sorry I know thats a really crap analogy but I hope you get my meaning!

 

Just....if he says no, don't cheat on him. I do hesitate saying you can't make it work, but with everyone I know who has an open marriage where one person or the other is missing something in the marriage itself it has not ended well.

 

I hope its something medical, and you two can just go on happy together. If....for some reason you do go down the path to ...don't pick someone that you have too much attraction to.

 

CCL

[clintsgirl]

Veronica,

 

You are in a similar boat as myself, I give you much credit for taking the "non sex life" a lot better then me. I'm angry, hurt, frustrated, etc, i can go on forever about my feelings.

 

I know personally I have tried to stay clear of any men that could possibly give me the attention i'm craving for. So I totally understand why you would think about straying, even though you are deeply in love with your husband, as am I with mine. I understand that feeling of wanting to be wanted, and satisfied.

 

I don't really have any advice, I've heard it all and tried it all, it will work for a month then go back to how it used to be, i've heard every excuse in the whole world. I just wanted to let you know you are no alone. I usally read about men not getting any from there wives, sometimes I feel like we our a very small selective group of women that doesn't get any from there husbands.

 

I hope everything works out for you and gets better. If at all possible you try, do, or say something that works, please let us "SEXLESS" women know.....

[tnttim]

I truly do think an affair can help a marriage in some cases. Obviously, it's a risk, because it can also backfire, but in a marriage that's cracking specifically because of sexual problems, sometimes it can be a workable solution.

 

My W cheated on me, and yes our relationship is now stronger, but I carry a scar on my heart and mistrust in my brain for now and forever. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about what she did, the hurt has yet to subside. If you truly love your husband you will tell him upfront before you demean yourself and cheat. Have a shread of descency and tell him. I had to catch my W, and maybe if she came out and told me first I would feel a whole lot better about it now, maybe.

 

I'll be blunt......you are going to cheat, I've seen it before and I can see all the precursors in you right now. You won't tell him because your mind will convince you that your not telling him because you don't want to hurt him. It's all bullsht, and the only person you are fooling is yourself. Read some posts on here about infidelity, then picture doing that to the one you say you love. You will regret cheating in the long run, because everyone you know will lose a little trust for you. They will know the real selfish you, the one you try and hide, but your actions will speak louder than your words.

[LonelyTiger]

Veronica,

 

You are in a similar boat as myself, I give you much credit for taking the "non sex life" a lot better then me. I'm angry, hurt, frustrated, etc, i can go on forever about my feelings.

 

I know personally I have tried to stay clear of any men that could possibly give me the attention i'm craving for. So I totally understand why you would think about straying, even though you are deeply in love with your husband, as am I with mine. I understand that feeling of wanting to be wanted, and satisfied.

 

I don't really have any advice, I've heard it all and tried it all, it will work for a month then go back to how it used to be, i've heard every excuse in the whole world. I just wanted to let you know you are no alone. I usally read about men not getting any from there wives, sometimes I feel like we our a very small selective group of women that doesn't get any from there husbands.

 

I hope everything works out for you and gets better. If at all possible you try, do, or say something that works, please let us "SEXLESS" women know.....

 

Veronica and Clintsgirl - I've been where you are now and I think you can be fairly certain that, if sex is important to you, (which it obviously is or you wouldn't be on here posting about it) your current relationships will never satisfy you and your marriages are likely to end at some point.

 

You may think that's a terrible thing to say, but sometimes reality is harsh and I tend to call a spade a spade.

 

Some people can be happy with an incompatible partner for a reasonably long time, but after a while the cracks will start to show. The frustration and dissatifaction will start to spill over into other areas of your life until everything falls apart. For some people the lack of sex in a marriage isn't an issue for others it's a timebomb.

 

I look back now on my marriage and realise that I was kidding myself. I loved my husband as my best friend but I always knew deep down that the sex wasn't working for me. It took 14 years and we went through all the usual problems that couples face. I wouldn't say it was 'the reason' for the break up, but I believe our sexual incompatibility was certainly the catalyst for the end of our marriage.

[MichelleZB]

The very fact you advocated lying about it if she thought being open about it wouldn't work, shows you don't understand how an open marriage works.

 

Lying is not being open. Its the opposite of open.

 

Sorry--I have been really unclear. I understand how open marriages work. I advocate that she consider open marriage if she wants to--and of course that will include communication and openness and all of that. But if he doesn't go for it, I would still advocate leaving or cheating. Obviously, the cheating would be the part that would involve the lying.

 

To me, leaving would seem better than cheating, since you could do it honestly. But it's really up to her.

[Andy L]

Hi all,

 

I am 30 my husband is 34. We have been married for 8 years but together since I was 16. He is the only man I have had sex with, he had three sexual partners before me.

 

I love my husband, he is my soul mate, best friend, the man I still want to wake up next to for the rest of my life. I love him no less than I did 14 years ago.

 

However, for the past 10 years our relationship has been fairly sexless, ...the simple fact is my husband has a low libido.

 

I have met a man that has reignited my sexual desires, mainly by realising I am still sexy and wanted. He is not my type, not that attractive but for some reason I really, really want to have sex with him. Just sex, no relationship or emotions just sex.

 

This other man and I flirt a lot with each other and have estabished that yes, we both fancy each other, we don't want anything else other than sex from each other and we would both keep it a very firm secret (he also has a partner).

 

 

 

 

Dear, people have very similar stories here..

I wish you a better end than our friend "dietcoke". You can read her old post here:

 

"Help! Tell me if I'm having an affair (emotional)"

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=56489&page=2

 

And the end:

 

"I cheated on my husband..... "

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=78957&page=7

 

Please read & make a good choice.

All the best!

[joyspirals]

I strongly believe that there is no way it would be just an one night stand. It would be too good, cuz u´ve been wanting it for ages, asking for it, anticipating- so really it´s like buying your favorite dessert, and than just taking one single single bite- yeah right...

 

You are in a really difficult situation. I am also married to a wonderful man i love, and I´m also not very satisfied in bed. and it touched me to read that one of the replied said that her 14 years of marriage were over and one of the reason was because of the sex issue, that this was a catalyst.

I am very afraid it would happen to me.

we are both very young, im also in my 30s, so really it impossible to compromise on sex.

dono, dont have an advise for you, just make sure you are conscious you are starting an affair, which no doubt that is gonna be a lot of fun but at the time will bring a lot of guilt, pain and mostly i believe that it might make you sad cuz it would be inevitable to think - why my husband isnt this way???

it´s human to compare. and im sure you would want to have this intimacy, lust and fire with your husband, so really it would make you sad after every day (or maybe even during) the sex with the other.

 

it´s very difficult to ask the other to back off, cuz he wontback off that easily, esp. cuz deep down you probably wouldnt want him to- doesnt it feel great that he is always there- looking at you in the right way, saying the right thing etc.?

so i just hope, that it isnt another game between u two that now u tell him to back off- so later when u r back in the game again- it would be even more stronger and sexier.

 

remember that once u have sex with another man, your marriage would never ever be the same. playing with the energy of sex is like playing with an atomic bomb.

 

All the best,

 

Joy

[Lecturer]

Leave it to women to over-complicate a simple problem .

 

If the OP's partner was a woman that wasn't very interested in sex it would/could be a very difficult problem. Luckily it is a man!...

 

Possible causes:

1. Stress (work/life)

2. Addicted to porn/masturbation

3. Cheating

4. Low testosterone

 

Chances are, it is #4. Go to the doctor, have levels tested. It will show and he can be prescribed meds for it. The meds will have to be fine tuned over the next couple months, but he'll be like a new man.

 

Also, to the idea that the OP would scratch her itch with this other man in a one time, NSA, non-emotional way? Not a chance. Not unless it was physically impossible to do it again (like one of you moving away). The need for it to happen again will remain, and the desire for it will only increase (unless the guy isn't a very good sexual partner).

[Krytie TV]

You go girrrrllll!!!

 

Oh, and make sure to not use protection. Cheating is waaay more fun when you get a baby from it. At least then you can call Maury.