beefgoddess Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 My fiance and I are both in college, he in pharmacy and I in criminal justice. At first, I chose to attempt a job in a law office, but switched gears after taking a class that focused on juveniles. I was suddenly interested in probation and parole. Since then, I have successfully got an internship at the county juvenile detention center, for which I start soon. He is extremely bothered by this. He was a troubled juvenile himself, landed in "kid prison" where we live, but has since turned his life around and is doing well. He is worried about me being too young looking, not intimidating enough, too short... but I think he is annoyed about me getting into a career that he once despised, maybe still does. He keeps throwing me discouraging comments, even though I know I want to do this and have already been approved for working at the JDH. Am I being inconsiderate and unthoughtful? Link to post Share on other sites
BettyBoop Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 He keeps throwing me discouraging comments, even though I know I want to do this and have already been approved for working at the JDH. Am I being inconsiderate and unthoughtful? He is the one being inconsiderate and unthoughtful. As a fiancé he should be supporting you no matter what. Not throw you discouraging comments. Ask him what it is all really about and don't let him get away without giving you the truth. And then you two can work on resolving your issues towards a place where he can be supportive of your career choices. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author beefgoddess Posted February 25, 2010 Author Share Posted February 25, 2010 He is the one being inconsiderate and unthoughtful. As a fiancé he should be supporting you no matter what. Not throw you discouraging comments. Ask him what it is all really about and don't let him get away without giving you the truth. And then you two can work on resolving your issues towards a place where he can be supportive of your career choices. Good luck! That's the thing, I have asked him about his feelings before, and he said only once that he was afraid I would get steamrolled by the older teenage males. However, I feel that there is an underlying authority issue he still is conquering and now I'm joining the team. IDK Link to post Share on other sites
troggleputty Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Sounds like he's got somewhat of an emotional attitude towards this particular career field of yours based on his past. (Maybe he hates law enforcement officers or something.) You need to DE-escalate the emotionalism, don't make an argument over this stuff. Point out the practical aspects of a criminal justice career: steady employment; good benefits; many different career paths you could take, such as ultimately going to law school or something. You don't HAVE to be a cop just because you are a criminal justice major or have a particular job in law enforcement. You could end up getting in a master's in forensic psychology, you could be an academic, you could work in private industry as a security expert, you could go into politics or some other aspect of government, the possibilities are endless. Just smile at him and say: "Hey I'm not trying to be Joe Friday you know." But don't let your career be a make or break issue in the relationship, he'll get over it, just listen to him "vent" and nod your head, "Yeah honey I see your point etc etc. I'm definitely going to think about that, but I don't want to get a completely useless degree like in Art History or Midieval English Literature, I want to be sure to get a degree where I'll be able to actually land a job when I graduate." I.e. talk to him in practical terms your major will help you earn a living $$$$ if he's serious he'll appreciate that fact. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted February 27, 2010 Share Posted February 27, 2010 Yes, you're being inconsiderate and thoughtless. Look, if you're REALLY going to marry this guy and spend your life with him, then career decisions need to be made together. Think of it this way: he's told you exactly why he has concerns over this career choice. Essentially, he's letting you know that if you choose to take this career path, he is going to be sick with worry every morning when you leave for work whether TODAY is going to be the day you are overpowered, raped, and murdered by a juvenile delinquent. Do you really want to put your husband through that? Would you want him to do that to you? You can certainly negotiate this with him like troggle is saying. Absolutely. But if you go into this with the attitude that you'll do whatever you want, when you want, and your husband needs to just suck it up, well, that doesn't bode well for a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
anaisherenow Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 ^ i don't agree with that. she should decide the degree of importance she'll give her career and if it's very important to her that she should do this, she shouldn't have to change it to please anyone else. to some people, a career is very personal and if changing what she wants will stand in the way of her getting into something she's passionate about, she shouldn't do it. does it possibly mean they're not compatible? sure. is she being thoughtless for wanting to fill fulfilled in her profession? not in the least. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted March 6, 2010 Share Posted March 6, 2010 ^ i don't agree with that. she should decide the degree of importance she'll give her career and if it's very important to her that she should do this, she shouldn't have to change it to please anyone else. to some people, a career is very personal and if changing what she wants will stand in the way of her getting into something she's passionate about, she shouldn't do it. does it possibly mean they're not compatible? sure. is she being thoughtless for wanting to fill fulfilled in her profession? not in the least. So are you saying the good of the person trumps the good of the whole? That people should think of themselves first, and loved ones second? Does your partner know you feel this way? Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 6, 2010 Share Posted March 6, 2010 My fiance and I are both in college, he in pharmacy and I in criminal justice. At first, I chose to attempt a job in a law office, but switched gears after taking a class that focused on juveniles. I was suddenly interested in probation and parole. Since then, I have successfully got an internship at the county juvenile detention center, for which I start soon. He is extremely bothered by this. He was a troubled juvenile himself, landed in "kid prison" where we live, but has since turned his life around and is doing well. He is worried about me being too young looking, not intimidating enough, too short... but I think he is annoyed about me getting into a career that he once despised, maybe still does. He keeps throwing me discouraging comments, even though I know I want to do this and have already been approved for working at the JDH. Am I being inconsiderate and unthoughtful?Your career choice is your own. If a partner can't be supportive with your career choice and worse yet, try to control your career choice, there's disparity in a number of areas. Sit him down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Explain to him how his words and actions are hurting you. Use the example of you being non-supportive of his pharmacy career and see if he's capable of understanding your perspective. If not, you have a disparity of relationship and I would highly encourage you not to proceed with the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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