Good husband, not a good life partner

[tissue_bear]

Hi, this is my first post. I would appreciate any help you may offer as I am conflicted and struggling with something and am looking for any advice you might have.

 

I am 24 and have been with my boyfriend for 14 months. I love him dearly and he loves me, we are both each other's best friends. Despite all the love, I am never confident he is the person I will want to build a life with and I finally decided to talk it over with a therapist, who really put his finger on the money: he is the one I love and want, but logically in my mind I don't find him a good choice.

 

The reason my head doesn't agree with the choice is because he is a very difficult person and has many emotional problems which may cause serious problems in the future. How is he difficult? Very argumentative and stubborn, he will develop almost anything into an argument. He can be cold and withdrawn quite often. His family relationships (with his father, mother and sister) involve a lot of shouting and yelling. And I mean REALLY bellowing. He's only done that to me once, but the therapist made a good point - how will you feel when he yells at your kids that way?

 

The relationship is dramatic and stormy, there are constant arguments but also many good times. A relationship with him will never be calm. He has a lot of issues with his parent's divorce and mainly with his father, who is completely emotionally closed off. They never talk about feelings in his family and I have never heard even his mother tell him she loves him.

 

To summarize (sorry this got long), the therapist said that it sounds like my bf could be seriously ill-equipped to deal with life and the difficulties I have had so far with him are the tip of the iceberg. How will he handle life's challenges - engagement, marriage, pregnancy, children. Will he be sensitive to a male child or be merely an authoritative figure as his father was to him? All of these things will be a hailstorm to deal with and until he deals with his issues, if he is even able to, he might not cope well with them.

 

In short, the therapist said that my bf can make a very good husband, but almost definitely not a good life partner. That I have the option of looking for both. But I love him. So I'm conflicted. I don't want a life of hardship but am I really supposed to just toss him aside because "I'm better"?? (Every single member of his family has told me I deserve a medal for being with him, as well as his close friends.. it really annoys me but maybe I should be listening?)

 

He did say that that could change with therapy but the way I see it, first I have to see if I can even get him to agree to it (he has gone to therapy before on his own doing but didn't like the therapist and hasn't pursued it since). Then, if he does go through it, what if it doesn't help him? Am I going to make him go through all that so in another year or two I'll tell him "sorry, despite doing everything you could and going through the painful process of dealing with your childhood for me, you're too screwed up for me and I'm looking for someone better"

 

I'd really appreciate any advice or feedback. Sorry this was long..

[OpenBook]

Don't try to change him. Just enjoy your relationship with him AS IT IS NOW. Don't tie marriage into it at all. Nobody is holding a gun to your head saying, "Decide RIGHT NOW" whether this guy is the one you'll end up marrying, right?

 

...unless YOU'RE the one holding the gun to your own head. Is the real question whether this guy is worth it to you to continue the relationship if you don't see him as good marriage material?

 

If that isn't the real question, then I would let go of the whole marriage idea for now, and just enjoy things as they are. There's no reason to be under any kind of pressure like that at this point in your life. You're 24, you've got plenty of time.

[JustLooking123]

This is very confusing. Why are you with him? And "I love him" isn't a good reason. It's weird that you're okay dating someone with those problematic traits. Re-read how you described him above - he doesn't sound like a good boyfriend, much less potential husband or life partner.

 

You're only 24. What's the hurry in getting married?

[tissue_bear]

Thank you for your responses!

 

This is very confusing. Why are you with him? And "I love him" isn't a good reason. It's weird that you're okay dating someone with those problematic traits. Re-read how you described him above - he doesn't sound like a good boyfriend, much less potential husband or life partner.

 

My bad, I was so concerned with this issue I didn't mention all the good things. Why am I with him? More than anything probably because of all the support he gives me, and how he's always there. He always listens and I talk a lot He is extremely sensitive and empathic, reads me like an open book though I am still unable to read him the same way. Whenever I have really needed him, as long as I made that clear, he has always been there for me. More than anything though, he makes me feel loved and special. He is very affectionate most of the time and sweet. He does little things to show me he cares. He really could be "perfect" if it wasn't for all the negativity that undoubtedly follows. For now, the good outweighs the bad but I guess I'm concerned one day the opposite will happen. Now I'm a girlfriend and we're both madly in love, what happens when we get more comfortable and he's no longer "wooing" me? I don't want our relationship to divert to what his family relationships are like - stormy, yelling, insulting with little to no emotional openness. There is much affection and joy in those relationships as well and a lot of good times but there is a lot of verbal violence I wouldn't want in my relationship or for my children to experience. They are very cautious with each other and while very open about what they think, they never talk about what they feel. I just don't know how he would handle life's challenges and get the feeling I'd be on my own a lot of the time as he will hide again behind his walls of ice which is what he often does when he is angry, hurt or unsure of a situation. He likes to pretend he doesn't care but he does, too much.

 

Openbook, I hear what you're saying. You're right, really but I'm soon to be 25 and it just seems at this point its rather childish to stay with someone if I know it has no future. I probably won't marry for another 3 years but at the same time I see no point in a dead end relationship.

 

I don't want to change him, I know he will always be a difficult man.. I just want to know that if I choose him as a life partner, he will be someone I can count on in those situations as well as someone who will be a good father. My hope is that therapy could bring that about. But at the same time, it might not in which case how fair is it of me to demand it of him?

 

cannedstarfish, thank you for your response as well. I don't know that he can't handle life's hardships, that's the thing. So far, it seems like they have just caused him to withdraw but he has opened up incredibly since being with me and has learned to deal with situations that have arisen in our relationship instead of running away (I don't let him). I firmly believe this is because he learned to trust me and not because I changed him in any way. So, this gives me hope. But nothing is certain.

 

I don't even really know what I'm asking, I'm so conflicted about this. Just what you think, if you've heard of these kinds of situations working out, how critical these things are, perhaps shed some light or a different viewpoint that I haven't thought of on the situation? Or what you would advise me to do, what you would do..?

 

I mean, I guess its obvious the path from here: give therapy a shot, if it works out then great and you can get married. If not, move on. But its so much easier said than done, I love him so very much. More than I have ever loved before. Do you really just walk away from that? Or is all the hardship worth that kind of love?

[McWifey]

Wow. I think you should give therapy a shot before you get married. If your not planning on getting married for 3 years anyways you have plenty of time, he can go to therapy and maybe even anger management? Since he seems to have a lot of anger built up...

[SarahRose]

You have the benefit of youth here.

 

Why put up with a defective person when there are 1000s of healthy men out there you could be with who would be 100% better in every way?

 

I would say cut your losses and move on and date a lot of different men

[dazzle22]

Without huge effort and amazing amounts of self awareness, people really drift into the patterns they grew up with, and re-enact their family of origin issues and patterns. Years from now, when he is comfortable with you and totally used to you, your home will likely look a lot like his parents' home....

[SarahRose]

Without huge effort and amazing amounts of self awareness, people really drift into the patterns they grew up with, and re-enact their family of origin issues and patterns. Years from now, when he is comfortable with you and totally used to you, your home will likely look a lot like his parents' home....

 

I agree with this. He is turning out just like his dad.

[Lizzie60]

I think you should listen to his family.. your therapist.. and your 'little voice'....

 

I think you're wasting precious youthful years with this guy... like the therapist said.. this is just the tip of the iceberg...

 

If you feel like that NOW... imagine how it will feel 10 years in the marriage with 2-3 kids..

 

Drop him now... seriously... listen to people who are giving you the best advices... his family knows him more than anyone else.. so if they say you deserve a medal at 24.... methink you will get the medal at 40.. but it will be too late then.. and you will THEN understood that you have wasted your best years...

 

Trust me... leave him... when the wounds are too profound (for him) no therapy can do anything.. (he probably will never like any therapist.. cause he doesn't want to admit his wrongs)...

 

Good luck!

[tissue_bear]

I really appreciate your thoughtful comments and taking your time to help a complete stranger. I don't think I'm ready to throw the towel in yet and I do feel its only fair to give therapy a shot. As you mentioned, I'm young enough that I have that time. I will keep your comments and advice in mind and close to my heart, the end result may very well be what you guys have advised. At least if that happens I'll know I made the right choice and I'm not just being unfair or self-important. I just don't feel that I can give up on such a big love without at least giving it its full shot, he does love me very much and has done so much for me already.. seems only fair. I'll keep my eyes open, though.

 

Hoping for the best and thank you again, you have eased a lot of my inner conflict

Edited February 21, 2010 by tissue_bear

[dazzle22]

I wish you good luck. At least don't get any more entangled with him at this point - ie. engaged, buying things together, living together. The less there is to hold you when you become tired of this, the less likely you will be guilted into staying.

 

I think you really should look at why you are so in love with someone this dysfunctional. What in your family of origin makes him feel like "the one", or "familiar" or "coming home"? I suggest you read a book called "Women who love too much". I am not giving you advice I have not taken myself. I wish someone could have talked me out of my first marriage. Our marriage looked just like his parents' 25 years later, and that was not something to emulate, and the warning signs were all there....

[Autumn21]

Hi, I had the exact same type of boyfriend, met when I was 23, engaged at 25, and now we're married, (I'm 29). I love him but the negativity and poor me attitude WILL get worse and WILL start to wear you down. He can't handle many problems, the other weekend doing renovations he completely flipped out, smashing chairs and yelling like a maniac because I made a mistake (which could be fixed in about 2 hours). No, we don't have kids and I've told him we can't unless he goes for councelling. He does know he has a problem. I made my choice though now and have to live with it. My advice to you is don't marry him, leave while you are not completey attached. Oh and his family is totally messed up too, they also get worse with time.

[Jeff1962]

People who have grown up in explosive, uncontrolled enviroments do contiune this trait, most of the time.

 

Your bf simply does not posess the proper tools to communicate rationally because of how he was raised. This is not all his fault.

 

If you truly love him and wish to build a life with him. Ask him to seek help for this. Do not use your counsler. Get a different one because you and your counsler have history. Your bf needs to start clean.

 

If he is willing to do this and you are willing to be patient, you MIGHT end up with a great husband and friend.

[unsureLP]

I could have written your post almost exactly a few years ago. When we were dating, our relationship was very much like what you described, except I never saw his interactions with his family since they live in a different country.

 

Fast forward to now, we've been married for 2.5 years, have an 18 month old girl, and things have escalated. It got to the point that I couldn't take anymore and told him unless he got some help for his anger issue that I would be leaving. He's tried two different counselors and gave up after the first session with each. We are now trying MC and I'm waiting to see what happens with that. I don't want our daughter growing up in this kind of environment.

 

I wish I had heeded my own little voice before; I wish I had gone to IC. Too late to wish anything though.

 

So, based on my own experience, I would say you should give him the choice to work on his anger management now but showing him how crucial this is to the survival of your relationship. If he doesn't want to, or IC doesn't work, get out.

 

good luck you with your decision.

[make me believe]

The flaws that you listed are HUGE. I will never understand how people can list such glaring red flags and then say "oh but I love him! He really 'gets me' and he's funny!" or whatever. There are many, many guys out there who will "get you" and WON'T scream at you, constantly argue, and withdraw from you.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't even bother going to therapy with this guy. It will take a looooonng time to undo what he's learned from his family (if he ever even does), and by that time you'll be even more involved and prone to thinking "but at least he's trying...... we've invested all this time and an entire year of therapy...." and it will be even harder to get out.

 

I mean.. why are you even in a relationship that you describe as "dramatic and stormy?" with constant arguing? That's ridiculous. How is your boyfriend going to allegedly be a very good husband (in your & your therapists words) when he turns everything into an argument, is uncommunicative, and prone to violent outbursts? (Screaming at people is a form of violence, imo.)

 

Then, if he does go through it, what if it doesn't help him? Am I going to make him go through all that so in another year or two I'll tell him "sorry, despite doing everything you could and going through the painful process of dealing with your childhood for me, you're too screwed up for me and I'm looking for someone better"

 

You shouldn't have to MAKE him go to therapy to fix these issues. He should do it on his own accord. And, this pretty much proves what I said above -- after all that time and therapy, you're likely to stay with him out of guilt/obligation. Get out now.