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14 Year marriage/22 year relationship over


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After a minor argument (my opinion) 2 days ago she asked me to leave. Said things weren't working one of us had to leave. So I told her you leave.

 

I Went out later to cool off and she had locked the doors so had to sleep in the car.

 

Yesterday morning she had to open it. Said she wanted separation and i said what was the point let's just divorce.

 

Any way this morning she wrote an apology of some sorts which has made me even angrier. It didn't say let's try work things out, maybe marriage counseling. Didn't apologise for locking me out which in my book is a no no as I have paid the mortgage for the last 10 years.

 

I have decided I will move out this weekend for a month. If she does not come crawling in that period I will proceed with the divorce as this is the third time she has asked for a separation in 2 years.

 

First time she left and spent a night with her sister. 2nd time I begged her to stay as I felt she just wanted to know she was still loved.

 

We have four kids 16, 12, 8 & 4 and were childhood sweethearts. I haven't been this angry for a long time and I can't even stand looking at her.

 

Not sure how we got here but she definitely reached here before me. I would say the marriage has been not great almost from the beginning but got worse in the last year. She feels I am not as involved as I should be and she does everything. Because of this over the years she has tried to manipulate my using sex both as a reward and a bribe which has meant we have sex only about once a month.

 

My response unfortunately was to become more distant after anger and begging didn't work. Now when I ask if she refuses I just walk away. When she needs something she then comes to me.

 

Apart from that I feel she has never really respected me as I am less than a month older. Also she has serious anger issues and has managed to have arguments with most of my friends, relatives as well as hers.

 

I have spent a whole day just reading threads here which have been very helpful and while still in pain I am beginning to accept the idea. That is why the username is newplan as I never ever believed my marriage would end.

 

I am not closing the door but I fear the damage is irreparable and any reconciliation would only be temporary. If I have to start life with a new partner I would rather start now rather than wait 2, 5 or 10 years

Edited by newplan
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That is all well and good but you left out some important details.

 

What were you fighting about and why does she want to end it?

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That is all well and good but you left out some important details.

 

What were you fighting about and why does she want to end it?

 

Yep, I'm wondering the same thing. "Minor" to you, might not be "minor" to her. It might be major!!! Generally you don't lock your husband out of the house because of a minor disagreement..but you said she has anger issues so who knows!

 

It sounds like you BOTH (and yes, BOTH) have some issues to iron out. It takes two to tango. Depending on what you have been fighting about will determine how you resolve these issues. And yes they are resolvable. I realize you are frustrated and upset but she took the time to write a letter and suggest counseling..that means she does still care somewhat. It's a start!

 

So how do you feel about marriage counseling? Would you be up for that?

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Yep, I'm wondering the same thing. "Minor" to you, might not be "minor" to her. It might be major!!! Generally you don't lock your husband out of the house because of a minor disagreement..but you said she has anger issues so who knows!

 

It sounds like you BOTH (and yes, BOTH) have some issues to iron out. It takes two to tango. Depending on what you have been fighting about will determine how you resolve these issues. And yes they are resolvable. I realize you are frustrated and upset but she took the time to write a letter and suggest counseling..that means she does still care somewhat. It's a start!

 

So how do you feel about marriage counseling? Would you be up for that?

 

 

Minor to me because one of the kids didn't do their home work (again)and the school called her to talk about it. This was my fault because she went to bed early and I was on homework duty. So now the poor child thinks its their fault and is being an angel around the house. While I agree I was at fault here I know this was just an excuse to implement what she has been planning. I was given an ultimatum one of us must leave.

 

She did write the letter but did not suggest counselling which is also why I think she doesn't care. I am open to counselling but the idea must come from her or after she says let's try and work things out.

 

Anger issues actually started about a year before we married but I was way to young to spot this. We had been dating for 8 years and the first 7 were heaven. She has changed jobs at least 8 times in the last 10 years including walking out of three after issuing ultimatums. Like I said she has had bust ups with sisters, brothers (one she didn't speak to for a year), co workers, my family, her old and dear friends etc to me for mior issues

 

I haven't pulled my weight around the house in terms of helping with the house work and kids (I have lots of excuses) and if I could go back would do things differently however I am not sure that would have made a difference. I have read many threads on here where the husbands were doing 10 times what I was and still couldn't make the marriage work

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If I were you, I would confront your wife about whether she has cheated on you either recently or in the past.

 

Your wife sounds like she fits the profile of a cheating wife.

 

I agree and cannot rule this out but while she has given me know reason to worry about this the more I read threads on here the more I think about this

 

The only opportunity she would have is if she said she was going to work and went on to meet someone for the day as she hardly goes out at nights or weekends and when she does I know where she is and who she is with.

 

There was a period about 3 years ago where she was incredibly happy for about 2 weeks singing and dancing around the house. It felt odd and I could tell it wasn't because of me or the kids. There was also a period about 2 years ago where she was deeply depressed for a month. I asked and asked but she said she didn't know why

 

The other options are there is someone she has her eye on maybe even an emotional affair at work and I seem very boring compared to that or

 

Since I met her when she was 18 she hasn't really dated and the idea may be exciting

 

A lot of her friends including her sister have split up with their husbands in the last two years to me I would have thought this would be a deterrent but it now seems she likes the idea. One who had 4 kids has married again. Add the fact that she will keep the house, car, get alimony and child support I can see the appeal.

 

I don't think I will confront her as I am not sure I could handle this. I am going through emotions I haven't felt before and I am really trying to stay in control and not let this affect my kids and my work. So for now I would rather not know as the whole thing is still very raw

Edited by newplan
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My sister has a Jekyll and Hyde issue. I never know who is going to show up. When Jekyll is in, she is as sweet (almost phony) as can be. When Hyde shows up she is out of her mind. After a Hyde incident she wants to be as nice as can be and she pretends everything is normal, like I’m going to pretend that nothing happened. She has destroyed two marriages and created a rift so big that I’ve no interest in associating with her. People with these abusive behaviors are out of their minds, so we think it’s not them and thus take them back. I’ll be there for my sister if and when she is willing and able to recognize her issues, because she is my sister.

 

Your wife clearly has an emotional abuse issue which “just like an addict of most drugs, the emotional high and then let down of a confrontation (i.e.-bullying episode) will always be the easiest thing to fall back on.” (bentnotbroken)

 

You wife has serious anger issues to deal with as her out of control abuse has destroyed so many relationships in her life.

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Newplan,

 

Also I know this is bad news and you "don't want to know" but really you owe it to yourself (and your kids) to find out the real truth here. If the marriage breaks up because your wife is a cheater then that's her fault, not yours; her decision to cheat. And her affair partner's spouse if he has one, also deserves to know.

 

Think carefully about how to handle this. Never reveal your sources.

 

Some very interesting insights and food for thought and I will think about it all. I will do some snooping before I confront her. Another reason why I say she gave me no reason to suspect is because I have her email, facebook and mobile phone passwords.

 

However there was a guy at her work she was mentioning everyday about a year ago "Jack said this, jack said that, jack said the sky is blue that was so funny". I think she read from my body language that it was beginning to bother me and I haven't even heard his name mentioned for a year. I thought maybe they just drifted apart.

 

I let it go because a female employee of mine once told me that her husband told her not to mention my name again. I found this strange because we weren't particulrly close and there certainly was no emotional connection on my part. She must have liked something about me and talked about me a lot at home

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WalkInThePark
Minor to me because one of the kids didn't do their home work (again)and the school called her to talk about it. This was my fault because she went to bed early and I was on homework duty. So now the poor child thinks its their fault and is being an angel around the house. While I agree I was at fault here I know this was just an excuse to implement what she has been planning. I was given an ultimatum one of us must leave.

 

Isolated this might seem like a minor thing but I am pretty sure there have been a lot of these minor things in those 22 years. I think your wife does not feel supported if you are not keeping your part of deals you made. I don't know if she works but even if she doesn't 3 kids and keeping house is a lot of work. If you don't do your share, it's not surprising that she is often angry. I have seen this with my parents. My father was a friendly, likeable guy but a lousy partner. He couldn't be bothered with practical things so my mother had to manage everything. If you constantly have to ask your partner if he could do this or that and he refuses to be a bit proactive so as to help you, resentment builds up over time.

This homework thing was probably the last straw.

 

As far as cheating is concerned, I don't think your wife has the time and energy for that.

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Your wife clearly has an emotional abuse issue which “just like an addict of most drugs, the emotional high and then let down of a confrontation (i.e.-bullying episode) will always be the easiest thing to fall back on.” (bentnotbroken)

 

You wife has serious anger issues to deal with as her out of control abuse has destroyed so many relationships in her life.

 

It took me a while to get there but this is now what I believe. I think she may actually still want the marriage but is totally unwilling to back down. She will need to agree to therapy if we are to get back together and this is why I need her to be the one to say what do I need to do to make this work. Right now she has a long list of the things she believes I need to change and thinks there is nothing wrong with her.

 

I also think what frustrates her about me is I am now so desensitised I deal with the drama by just avoiding it. I now know this was wrong but my personality is just not one that is ready to heatedly argue for more than 30 minutes.

 

When she has an situation building up with someone, I try to make her see the other side and amicable solutions and think she has listened. Next day she comes back and she is all upset and in tears and there has been a big blow up. If I tell her she was wrong it's all "I need is a little support from my husband". If I back her and I have in the past with family and friends I just feed the monster

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I only read the opening post... and since we only have one side here.. it's hard to advise...

 

You said that she thinks she's doing everything.. 4 kids is a loooot of work.. are you really doing your share..

 

Methink she might have become more stressed.. therefore angrier over small stuff... she might need personal help to control her anger...

 

You both might need to sit down.. each write a list of what you like about each other.. what you dislike (methink this will be a longer list).. then discuss point by point.. what you can make it easier for the other...

 

Happy marriages = compromises and good communication...

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Isolated this might seem like a minor thing but I am pretty sure there have been a lot of these minor things in those 22 years. I think your wife does not feel supported if you are not keeping your part of deals you made. I don't know if she works but even if she doesn't 3 kids and keeping house is a lot of work. If you don't do your share, it's not surprising that she is often angry. I have seen this with my parents. My father was a friendly, likeable guy but a lousy partner. He couldn't be bothered with practical things so my mother had to manage everything. If you constantly have to ask your partner if he could do this or that and he refuses to be a bit proactive so as to help you, resentment builds up over time.

This homework thing was probably the last straw.

 

As far as cheating is concerned, I don't think your wife has the time and energy for that.

 

I think we both have issues and yes I see myself in your father when it comes to dealing with practical things around the kids. Yes she works too (she doesn't have to) and yes dealing with kids is a lot. Maybe I am being defensive but unfortunately my father was like that too and that is kind of the map I inherited

 

Again if I felt this was all that was needed, especially now we are at this point, I would do my best to change. But I still go back to the anger issues and also many threads I have read on here where in some cases the wives didn't work and the husbands did more of the duties at home but it still ended in failure.

 

I guess it is finding the balance and not tipping too much to one side

 

I know I have also caused her a lot of upset in the past over things like this which made her withdraw which in turn also made me withdraw and I guess the vicious circle just continued. I believe she should have given me the benefit of the doubt because of all the good things about the relationship and asked for counselling or something. Instead she just said she wants a separation and this is what I am struggling to deal with.

 

I am still reeling from the fact that a few days ago this is a woman I would have done anything for even with all the troubles we had. I don't believe I have said no to her in my life when she asked for anything

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I only read the opening post... and since we only have one side here.. it's hard to advise...

 

You said that she thinks she's doing everything.. 4 kids is a loooot of work.. are you really doing your share..

 

Methink she might have become more stressed.. therefore angrier over small stuff... she might need personal help to control her anger...

 

You both might need to sit down.. each write a list of what you like about each other.. what you dislike (methink this will be a longer list).. then discuss point by point.. what you can make it easier for the other...

 

Happy marriages = compromises and good communication...

 

I think this is maybe what deep down I was looking to hear. If this fails I can at least say I tried

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The "happiness" and "sadness" could be a sign of bipolar or some other kind of mental illness. Your wife actually sounds somewhat like my mom's behavior and what she is doing to my dad. My dad sometimes just can't take it and instigates right back out of anger and frustration. I didn't disclose this on here but something very severe happened (a really bad accident) between my parents. It was horrible.

 

Is this something she has checked into? She might benefit from individual counseling on her own.

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I think this is maybe what deep down I was looking to hear. If this fails I can at least say I tried

 

 

I think it's a good start.. sometimes it's easier to each go in some kind of 'retreat' and write about your pain, what you like, what you don't like.. what need to be changed.. your priorities.. your goals.. tips on how to achieve them..

 

at least ..like you said.. you would have given a good last chance..

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LucreziaBorgia
I have decided I will move out this weekend for a month.

 

Under no circumstances should you be the one to leave. She initiated the separation, she should be the one to leave. If you leave, a good lawyer could argue that you abandoned the household regardless of your motivations.

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After reading more of what you wrote, your situation sounds very typical.

 

If you were willing to do anything for her, then why have you been so slack in the marriage?

 

I think she is tired and resentful towards you for years of you not pulling your weight around the house.

 

I bet she has tried to tell you many many times but you blew it off as "minor" issues.

 

I would stir the pot with the affair crap. You are just looking for more excuses to blame her for something. Some of the posters on here are bitter and love to stir the pot too.

 

Instead of moving out and running away like a little boy, why don't you step up and be a man and do the right things. Then you can say you have done everything.

 

Without being told to do so, why don't you make the effort to go to counseling, you do things around the house, you take care of the kids.

 

Just do it without being told.

 

I bet it is great to be a kid in your household having to listen to you two babies fight.

 

You make a nice meal for the family, do the laundry, pay attention to her etc.

 

I swear men can be so dense that they don't realize the smallest things make all the difference in the world.

Edited by SarahRose
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After reading more of what you wrote, your situation sounds very typical.

 

If you were willing to do anything for her, then why have you been so slack in the marriage?

 

I think she is tired and resentful towards you for years of you not pulling your weight around the house.

 

I bet she has tried to tell you many many times but you blew it off as "minor" issues.

 

I would stir the pot with the affair crap. You are just looking for more excuses to blame her for something. Some of the posters on here are bitter and love to stir the pot too.

 

Instead of moving out and running away like a little boy, why don't you step up and be a man and do the right things. Then you can say you have done everything.

 

Without being told to do so, why don't you make the effort to go to counseling, you do things around the house, you take care of the kids.

 

Just do it without being told.

 

I bet it is great to be a kid in your household having to listen to you two babies fight.

 

You make a nice meal for the family, do the laundry, pay attention to her etc.

 

I swear men can be so dense that they don't realize the smallest things make all the difference in the world.

 

As hard as this is to read NP, she is right on the money. I said before it takes two to tango. You DID admit to contributing to the problematic situation so why don't you try to be a better husband?

 

I don't think she is having an affair btw, I think it is more that she is just resentful. Step it up around the house and see if things improve. Her "anger issues" might just get better...

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NP, don’t feel like a victim here when your wife is being emotionally abusive and irrational in her behavior. Obviously you’re not perfect, but don’t beat yourself up with that thinking. The tenants of a good working relationship are trust, care, respect and communicating those feelings frequently between both parties.

 

p.s. – I guarantee if the sex was reversed here, then some of the posters that are criticizing you would be hammering for a divorce.

Edited by HeyThere
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Newplan, this was written by luvstarved in another thread

 

“As you say, it is an open forum...of the caveat emptor nature.

 

It is not a group counseling session. Anyone who comes on here to post their issues needs to do so with the understanding that they are seeking input from a wide variety of people with a wide variety of viewpoints.

 

Confusion is pretty much a given with posters, myself included. That's largely why we post.

 

When I post, I am just casting a net...hoping to hear from people who have experienced similar, or felt similar...and looking for some nugget of wisdom to emerge that will help me understand my own situation and ideally, how to proceed in it.

 

There are definitely responses that are knee-jerk and consistent and not very thoughtful. He's cheating! She's a bitch! It is up to the poster to weed these out and hone in on what is really helpful and useful and rational.

 

I don't think a "process" would change any of that...but there is certainly nothing to prevent a responder from seeking more information before giving an opinion... “

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After reading more of what you wrote, your situation sounds very typical.

 

If you were willing to do anything for her, then why have you been so slack in the marriage?

 

I think she is tired and resentful towards you for years of you not pulling your weight around the house.

 

I bet she has tried to tell you many many times but you blew it off as "minor" issues.

 

I would stir the pot with the affair crap. You are just looking for more excuses to blame her for something. Some of the posters on here are bitter and love to stir the pot too.

 

Instead of moving out and running away like a little boy, why don't you step up and be a man and do the right things. Then you can say you have done everything.

 

Without being told to do so, why don't you make the effort to go to counseling, you do things around the house, you take care of the kids.

 

Just do it without being told.

 

I bet it is great to be a kid in your household having to listen to you two babies fight.

 

You make a nice meal for the family, do the laundry, pay attention to her etc.

 

I swear men can be so dense that they don't realize the smallest things make all the difference in the world.

 

Yeah men are dense. That is why we go to work and bring home a paycheck for a woman who treats us like dirt. Only men would put up with crap.

 

Another strange thing I see from a lot of posts is that if a woman is being treated like crap by a man I don't hear people telling her to "Woman Up". Start giving him plenty of sex or whatever else he wants. Be really really nice to him even though he is treating you like a piece of dirt.

 

Yet time after time men come on here and they are told that it is their fault and he needs to "Man UP" and be nice to the woman who treats him like dirt.

 

Well I can tell you what happens to men who accept this treatment.. They get an entitled person who has to do nothing. They get a woman who locks him out of his home. What a monster this guy would be if he pulled such a stunt but if a woman does it well she "Must have had a good reason."

 

I tried in my own marriage to do everything I could to make her happy. Just like this guy sex was once in a while if I was good. And when I still treated her well she was so happy because she learned she cold do whatever she wanted to me and there was no consequences. Until I told her enough and filed for divorce nothing mattered to her.

 

When I filed for "D" and the kids wanted to be with me her world came apart. It was too late for us and I divorced her but I can tell you that is much better than living with a woman who treats you like your wife does.

 

Next time boot her butt out of the home and lock her out. Don't leave let her go and feel what it is like. Of course that is really a cruel thing to do but since it is done to a man I believe in equal rights so I would do it to her. I am guessing that will take the love out of her but on the other hand it sure has not done that to you. Don't put up with this treatment. She either fixes things or get rid of her. Just my humble opinion.

Edited by itmustbeme
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Yeah men are dense. That is why we go to work and bring home a paycheck for a woman who treats us like dirt. Only men would put up with crap.

 

Another strange thing I see from a lot of posts is that if a woman is being treated like crap by a man I don't hear people telling her to "Woman Up". Start giving him plenty of sex or whatever else he wants. Be really really nice to him even though he is treating you like a piece of dirt.

 

Yet time after time men come on here and they are told that it is their fault and he needs to "Man UP" and be nice to the woman who treats him like dirt.

 

Well I can tell you what happens to men who accept this treatment.. They get an entitled person who has to do nothing. They get a woman who locks him out of his home. What a monster this guy would be if he pulled such a stunt but if a woman does it well she "Must have had a good reason."

 

I tried in my own marriage to do everything I could to make her happy. Just like this guy sex was once in a while if I was good. And when I still treated her well she was so happy because she learned she cold do whatever she wanted to me and there was no consequences. Until I told her enough and filed for divorce nothing mattered to her.

 

When I filed for "D" and the kids wanted to be with me her world came apart. It was too late for us and I divorced her but I can tell you that is much better than living with a woman who treats you like your wife does.

 

Next time boot her butt out of the home and lock her out. Don't leave let her go and feel what it is like. Of course that is really a cruel thing to do but since it is done to a man I believe in equal rights so I would do it to her. I am guessing that will take the love out of her but on the other hand it sure has not done that to you. Don't put up with this treatment. She either fixes things or get rid of her. Just my humble opinion.

 

wow...so many angers in this post. My best friend was locked out by his husband once for something that is completely not her fault. As her best friend, I didn't like this one bit at all but she sticks it out for her marriage, still cooks & cleans for him even though she works at the same time.

 

I don't understand about husband bringing paycheck argument. OP's wife works too while she's raising 4 kids at the same time. I've been working, supporting myself since I graduated from college & 90% of my female friends work too. So what is so special about bringing paycheck while majority of women bring paycheck to the table too.

 

Self assessment is good. What OP's wife does (locking him out of the house) is completely bad but I think what other posters try to do here is to get the other side of the story. Why is majority threads in this forum, people are so quick to recommend divorce? I mean obviously there is an obvious case (where a woman got handcuffed and beaten up by husband while she's driving - that's a clear cut divorce case). But others, I feel like sometimes it's best to get the full picture before we start projecting our lives or our problems into OP's life. Obviously, this is only my 0.02 so hopefully no offense is taken.

Edited by cuppa
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If they BOTH work about the same number of hours then I agree he should do his fair share around the house - fair share = half.

 

I also agree he contradicted himself in a big way he said - "I would do anything for her" - and also said: "but I slack off around the house and have for a long time."

 

The truth is without being in their home day to day it is hard to have any real sense of how and why they interact. It does suck when it gets to the point of locking each other out of the house.

 

I DEFINITELY think the sex thing is a non starter. The whole concept of "you will do as much work around the house as I say to even have a shot at sex" means that she is not attracted to you. Which is totally different then her being angry about housework and that disrupting sex. In the latter case she says in a really angry voice - I wanted to tonight - but I am really mad you didn't help me at all today.

 

In the former case (where she has no desire) she keeps it as vague as possible - kind of a "try harder much much harder at the housework" followed by "I am angry about your lack of help for years and have no idea when I will get over it and resume having sex with you". So it is open ended WHAT you should do, and she has no timetable at all for having to address the problem.

 

And the gradual reduction of desire seems to be pretty normal in long term marriages. The thing distinguishes a good marriage from a bad one is whether the people care enough about each other to make the effort. If my wife acted as if my physical needs were not important her life would quickly change.

 

Yeah men are dense. That is why we go to work and bring home a paycheck for a woman who treats us like dirt. Only men would put up with crap.

 

Another strange thing I see from a lot of posts is that if a woman is being treated like crap by a man I don't hear people telling her to "Woman Up". Start giving him plenty of sex or whatever else he wants. Be really really nice to him even though he is treating you like a piece of dirt.

 

Yet time after time men come on here and they are told that it is their fault and he needs to "Man UP" and be nice to the woman who treats him like dirt.

 

Well I can tell you what happens to men who accept this treatment.. They get an entitled person who has to do nothing. They get a woman who locks him out of his home. What a monster this guy would be if he pulled such a stunt but if a woman does it well she "Must have had a good reason."

 

I tried in my own marriage to do everything I could to make her happy. Just like this guy sex was once in a while if I was good. And when I still treated her well she was so happy because she learned she cold do whatever she wanted to me and there was no consequences. Until I told her enough and filed for divorce nothing mattered to her.

 

When I filed for "D" and the kids wanted to be with me her world came apart. It was too late for us and I divorced her but I can tell you that is much better than living with a woman who treats you like your wife does.

 

Next time boot her butt out of the home and lock her out. Don't leave let her go and feel what it is like. Of course that is really a cruel thing to do but since it is done to a man I believe in equal rights so I would do it to her. I am guessing that will take the love out of her but on the other hand it sure has not done that to you. Don't put up with this treatment. She either fixes things or get rid of her. Just my humble opinion.

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Thanks to all for replies. They have helped me get through the last few days. Thanks to the ladies who have helped me better understand the woman's point of view. When I said there was nothing I wouldn't do for her I was thinking of things like buying her cars, jewellry, going on holiday etc and not doing the dishes. I guess the everyday things are just as important

 

In the meantine she has come twice to beg me to stay, once with members of mine and her family.

 

Thing is I am now slowly becoming the bad guy as everyone now knows she is asking that we stay together. If we divorce now the story will be she asked me for a separation because she was angry, said sorry and pleaded but I still left.

 

She has also agreed to go for counseling for her anger and marriage counseling together if I am interested.

 

Decision looks simple but I am still troubled and feel I may just be delaying the inevitable. I feel she is settling for me because there is nothing better right now and she is afraid of the unknown. I sense she is coming back because the kids were quite upset and everyone she spoke to told her she was wrong and making a big mistake.

 

Right now I just can't decide if she will walk if something better comes or if helping around the house is all that it will take.

 

 

To the Ladies

I will try and do much more around the house and with the kids to make me a better husband.

 

To the men

I will give it one last try. I will stay but hold back something in reserve so if this happens again I won't find myself in this position.

 

Until then I will wait to see what the counseling reveals. I sense it is going to be a long tough road ahead as there is still mistrust and anger on both sides.

 

Marriage is not easy and requires 2 very special people to make it work

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Thanks to all for replies. They have helped me get through the last few days. Thanks to the ladies who have helped me better understand the woman's point of view. When I said there was nothing I wouldn't do for her I was thinking of things like buying her cars, jewellry, going on holiday etc and not doing the dishes. I guess the everyday things are just as important

 

In the meantine she has come twice to beg me to stay, once with members of mine and her family.

 

Thing is I am now slowly becoming the bad guy as everyone now knows she is asking that we stay together. If we divorce now the story will be she asked me for a separation because she was angry, said sorry and pleaded but I still left.

 

She has also agreed to go for counseling for her anger and marriage counseling together if I am interested.

 

Decision looks simple but I am still troubled and feel I may just be delaying the inevitable. I feel she is settling for me because there is nothing better right now and she is afraid of the unknown. I sense she is coming back because the kids were quite upset and everyone she spoke to told her she was wrong and making a big mistake.

 

Right now I just can't decide if she will walk if something better comes or if helping around the house is all that it will take.

 

 

To the Ladies

I will try and do much more around the house and with the kids to make me a better husband.

 

To the men

I will give it one last try. I will stay but hold back something in reserve so if this happens again I won't find myself in this position.

 

Until then I will wait to see what the counseling reveals. I sense it is going to be a long tough road ahead as there is still mistrust and anger on both sides.

 

Marriage is not easy and requires 2 very special people to make it work

 

Good luck. I have had some rough patches in my marriage too, we are going to our first counselling this coming Friday. At least, if things don't work out in the end, you can tell yourself that you give it all for this marriage, it's not just pure heat of the moment/emotions.

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NP,

My opinion - you look at your work hours and her work hours including commuting time. So if you leave at 7 am and return at 7 pm that is a12 hour day. If she works 6 am to 6pm that is also 12 hours.

 

Compare the hours and allocated housework fairly. BUT YOU BOTH COMMIT that you will really do it. And if one misses a task - like a 2 hour cleanup, and the other does it - then you owe then 2 hours and you pay it back within a week

 

Separate from that I would tell her that your sex schedule is not acceptable, and that you need to understand what/why her desire is low and ALSO schedule sex a certain amount a month and then do it. In the meantime if she gives you homework to do - that will make sex more fun/better for her - by all means do it.

 

And on the sex piece - really try to get her to open up with you about what she likes/dislikes - what turns her on and off.

 

YOU have a great chance to really turn things around...

 

 

Newplan,

 

Don't you DARE do the dishes if she comes back/wants you back.

 

In fact don't do ANY of the housework.

 

You have some leverage now, she came crawling back (supposedly).

 

 

And so you lay down the law. YOU decide who does what around the house. If that means she does 100% of it, then SO BE IT.

 

You must establish once and for all who is the MASTER of your castle.

 

Otherwise there will be no chance of saving your marriage and things will soon revert back to the unsatisfactory.

 

And you will find something very interesting happens. She may complain. She may beotch. She may moan.

 

But if you stick to your guns and become the true authority figure in your own household, she will finally begin to RESPECT you.

 

And if she doesn't?

 

 

...."Honey, there's the door. Don't let it hit you in the ass on your way out."

 

For the win.

 

Edit: And I still think she's cheating on you.

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