How to handle a wife that doesn't trust you on anything when you never lied to her

[Ultimo12]

Okay,

 

I would like to know if there is any available ressources on the following topic.

 

Back when we were togheter, my wife constantly complained that I lied to her. For example, before we married, I agreed to having four children, and after marriage, we were fighting so much that I suggested a little period without sex so we could know each others better and build trust. She then said I didn't want children ever and that I was lying to her.

 

Another example. I talk with my familly alot, and she disliked it. It came to a point where whenever I talked with my familly, my wife was suspicious that it was about us. I told her I wanted to get advices, and she answered that even if my intention was good, that the result was bad, that I was leaguing peoples against her. My familly is fair and never isolated her, she always was welcomed warmly. For over a year I tried to explain to her that my familly loved her, she said I was a liar, and that she couldn't trust them or me.

 

Sometimes, I am unsure about things and as time goes by i would change my mind on some issues. When I did that, shed say I lied to her.

 

I feel she has never trusted me to begin with for the year we were togheter. At one point, it came down to: honey, i will have sex with you and try for children, but you have to trust me first. She'd answer, well you have to earn it....

 

Is there a kind of pathology for women who can't trust men? I need help on this. Also, at first one time, she got scared at me so much she thought I would beat her and wouldn't see me. I had to get my familly to interfer to convince her that I wasn't a violent man.

 

I have my faults, I change my mind alot, but I am not a liar or a violent person.

[whichwayisup]

Your wife has issues. There's more going on here... Seems like she's just paranoid and moody, makes me wonder if she is bi-polar or has depression.

 

She needs to see her family Dr about this. If it's a mental illness, meds and counselling can help her.

[Ultimo12]

I know the problem is on her side. I am looking for ressources. She refuses any types of therapy and believe that I am the one who wronged her many times, hence why she can't trust me.

 

The problem is I never did anything to lose her trust, quite the opposite.

 

Any advices?

[threebyfate]

I change my mind alot

Step back for a second and try to be a third party observer in your relationship.

 

When you have someone with severe trust issues, combined with someone who is inconsistent, do you feel this is a healthy combination?

[Ronni_W]

A different take.

...I suggested a little period without sex so we could.

...it came down to: honey, i will have sex with you and try for children, but you have to trust me first.

So, you use sex to control her/the relationship, and you also use sex as a negotiation tool to get her to do what you'd like her to do?

 

whenever I talked with my familly, my wife was suspicious that it was about us. I told her I wanted to get advices

If you were getting advice about your marriage and/or how to deal with your wife then she was right that you were talking about the two of you/your relationship!

As well as "getting" your family "to interfere" in your marital relationship.

 

And I can't help but wonder what triggered your wife to "get scared of you"; how did you contribute to that?

 

There's nothing in your post to suggest that your wife is suffering from any "pathology".

But there are a few 'flags' that you may very well benefit from some individual therapy yourself...to learn some more effective relationship skills and how to take appropriate responsibility for how you're thinking and doing your side of things.

[Ultimo12]

A different take.

 

So, you use sex to control her/the relationship, and you also use sex as a negotiation tool to get her to do what you'd like her to do?

 

 

If you were getting advice about your marriage and/or how to deal with your wife then she was right that you were talking about the two of you/your relationship!

As well as "getting" your family "to interfere" in your marital relationship.

 

And I can't help but wonder what triggered your wife to "get scared of you"; how did you contribute to that?

 

There's nothing in your post to suggest that your wife is suffering from any "pathology".

But there are a few 'flags' that you may very well benefit from some individual therapy yourself...to learn some more effective relationship skills and how to take appropriate responsibility for how you're thinking and doing your side of things.

 

 

It is very possible that I am in part responsible for the state of things as they are. I did try to bring my issues to my wife directly many times, but it didn't work out.

 

As for the sex, she only wants sex if its procreative, I don't think I am wrong in not wanting children from a wife who can't trust me on anything...

 

Someone who has trust issues with someone who is inconsistent does seem like a bad mix for a relationship.

 

Yesterday she gave me an ultimatum. Either we resumed sex or she was leaving and asking for an annulment. I told her I couldn't accept such an ultimatum, that it would be better for us to live togheter for a while until she could trust me and stop doing abusive things. She disagreed with my views and left.

 

Not sure whats going to happen

[mark982]

until you iron out your differences,you'd be a fool to have sex with her. didn't you say she only wants sex to have kids? she'd be your worse nightmare.

[Ultimo12]

until you iron out your differences,you'd be a fool to have sex with her. didn't you say she only wants sex to have kids? she'd be your worse nightmare.

 

She also says she wants it to feel united to me, but that sex that must be BOTH unitive and procreative (just like the church says).

 

My entire familly tells me not to call her back right now, but I feel down.

 

Thanks for reading.

[just_some_guy]

She also says she wants it to feel united to me, but that sex that must be BOTH unitive and procreative (just like the church says).

 

My entire familly tells me not to call her back right now, but I feel down.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Do you share the same beliefs as her?

 

I mean, she's telling you that up front. Do you want to live the rest of your life like that. It is OK if you do, you just need to make a conscious decision that is a shared value.

 

It sounds like you are struggling with it.

[threebyfate]

Someone who has trust issues with someone who is inconsistent does seem like a bad mix for a relationship.

Yes, BTDT, although it wasn't as extreme a scenario, as you've described.

 

If you want this to work, both of you have somehow move closer, from your extreme positions. How you do that, I don't have the answers for, beyond getting some therapy, both individual and marital.

 

Out of curiosity, have you tried to be more consistent?

[Ultimo12]

Yes, BTDT, although it wasn't as extreme a scenario, as you've described.

 

If you want this to work, both of you have somehow move closer, from your extreme positions. How you do that, I don't have the answers for, beyond getting some therapy, both individual and marital.

 

Out of curiosity, have you tried to be more consistent?

 

I must say I have tried to be but it is hard as I do not feel I always know what I really want. I would have had no problems providing for her and kids while she stayed at home as long as I felt loved, appreciated and trust.

 

For anyone interested, I made a previous thread about us that shows how things in general are between me and my wife.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t216425/

 

 

Also, I have looked up love addiction and I do recognize myself in the symptoms. Due to my wife I now believe in God, which gives me alot of hope I did not have. Yet I can't seem to stand lonelyness.

[Ultimo12]

Do you share the same beliefs as her?

 

I mean, she's telling you that up front. Do you want to live the rest of your life like that. It is OK if you do, you just need to make a conscious decision that is a shared value.

 

It sounds like you are struggling with it.

 

I do not share her belief, I have no problems with sex that is not procreative.

 

That being said, I agreed before marriage to her conditions, because I wanted companionship.

 

 

 

I want to thank everyone who took the time to read and reply to this thread or my original thread.

You are all helping me in my healing. I will pray for you all.

 

As of now we are separated and it is very hard on my moral. My familly says I love her more than she loves me, and that my life would be miserable with her, that I need to go out and open my eyes and give myself a chance to meet new people.

[Ronni_W]

Ultimo,

I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife are separated. It is going to be difficult on BOTH of you, emotionally, mentally, physically...and financially.

...I agreed before marriage to her conditions, because I wanted companionship.

She likely married you in good faith, based on what you told her at the time.

Unfortunately for the BOTH of you, you then reneged on your part of the deal. She then stopped trusting you, IMO, a not unreasonable response given that this was part of your marital commitment to her. She married you, in part, based on you agreeing to uphold her expressed morals and values.

 

I agree with your family that you will, eventually, need to move forward and meet new people whose values are more closely aligned with yours. I would encourage you to be more transparent and honest with them, about what you want, need, like and dislike in your romantic relationships.

 

I don't believe that any of your family members (or anyone else, for that matter) know exactly what is going on in your estranged wife's heart -- it's not for them to judge if the amount of love she carries for you is less than (or more than) the amount of love you carry for her. They don't know anything about that.

 

Sending hugs, and wishing you good healing.

Edited January 26, 2010 by Ronni_W
grammar

[Ultimo12]

Ultimo,

I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife are separated. It is going to be difficult on BOTH of you, emotionally, mentally, physically...and financially.

 

She likely married you in good faith, based on what you told her at the time.

Unfortunately for the BOTH of you, you then reneged on your part of the deal. She then stopped trusting you, IMO, a not unreasonable response given that this was part of your marital commitment to her. She married you, in part, based on you agreeing to uphold her expressed morals and values.

 

I agree with your family that you will, eventually, need to move forward and meet new people whose values are more closely aligned with yours. I would encourage you to be more transparent and honest with them, about what you want, need, like and dislike in your romantic relationships.

 

I don't believe that any of your family members (or anyone else, for that matter) know exactly what is going on in your estranged wife's heart -- it's not for them to judge if the amount of love she carries for you is less than (or more than) the amount of love you carry for her. They don't know anything about that.

 

Sending hugs, and wishing you good healing.

 

Thank you for your hugs and your wishes Ronni.

 

It's now been three days were apart and I talked with her sister. Apparently, my wife told her mother and familly that she was just on another vacation. Is it possible she's hoping I will run back to her again?

 

I don't know what to do.

 

About the amount of love thing: She admited to my familly she didn't love me that much yet after we just got married.

[cuppa]

Ultimo,

I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife are separated. It is going to be difficult on BOTH of you, emotionally, mentally, physically...and financially.

 

She likely married you in good faith, based on what you told her at the time.

Unfortunately for the BOTH of you, you then reneged on your part of the deal. She then stopped trusting you, IMO, a not unreasonable response given that this was part of your marital commitment to her. She married you, in part, based on you agreeing to uphold her expressed morals and values.

 

I agree with your family that you will, eventually, need to move forward and meet new people whose values are more closely aligned with yours. I would encourage you to be more transparent and honest with them, about what you want, need, like and dislike in your romantic relationships.

 

I don't believe that any of your family members (or anyone else, for that matter) know exactly what is going on in your estranged wife's heart -- it's not for them to judge if the amount of love she carries for you is less than (or more than) the amount of love you carry for her. They don't know anything about that.

 

Sending hugs, and wishing you good healing.

 

That's what I was thinking too. OP, which happened first? She was not trusting with you after you reneged on kids or she was not trusting and then you reneged on kids?

 

Secondly, did you change your behavior during the courting phase so that you were more aligned to her faith & beliefs and then you revert back to your old self after the marriage?

 

If so, then I don't think your wife is being unreasonable. She's probably hurt and feels justified to feel that you lie to her.

[Ultimo12]

That's what I was thinking too. OP, which happened first? She was not trusting with you after you reneged on kids or she was not trusting and then you reneged on kids?

 

Secondly, did you change your behavior during the courting phase so that you were more aligned to her faith & beliefs and then you revert back to your old self after the marriage?

 

If so, then I don't think your wife is being unreasonable. She's probably hurt and feels justified to feel that you lie to her.

 

 

I decided not to have kids after observing that she hadn't been trusting me since I met her. So for about 6-7 months, she hasn't been trusting me.

 

 

On the counterpart, I did express after we were married that I wasn't hurried to have kids. That ideally wed have a year or two of time for us before having them.

[Ronni_W]

You're welcome for the hugs and wishes, Ultimo. They are genuine and heartfelt.

I decided not to have kids after observing that she hadn't been trusting me since I met her.

Ultimo,

Your different posts aren't adding up to a cogent whole. As I understood it, the main problem is (was, since you're now separated) that she does not believe in "sex that is not procreative", and you knew this BEFORE you married her. But...

I agreed before marriage to her conditions, because I wanted companionship.

...you LIED to her to get her to marry you. And, by your own admission, you didn't marry her for love but because you wanted companionship.

 

You're not owning the fact that you lied to her, and that she had every reason to stop trusting you. You lied about something that you knew was a HUGE, IMPORTANT, MORAL IMPERATIVE for her. That makes you untrustworthy, as far as she is concerned. You lied to get what you wanted.

 

You're telling yourself that you did NOT lie, and you're looking for this situation to be due to some "pathology" on her part. In truth, you created all of this by knowingly lying about something incredibly significant, especially in a marital relationship.

 

About the amount of love thing: She admited to my familly she didn't love me that much yet after we just got married.

At least she had some love for you...even if it wasn't "that much". You, on the other hand, got married (and under false pretenses) just because you "wanted companionship".

 

Does your family know that? Do they know that, after you got married, you then tried to control and manipulate your wife using sex as your weapon of choice? What was it that you did for your wife to get scared of you?

 

What did you do to earn your wife's trust and love, and to grow it stronger?

It's coming across that you're trying to position yourself as some kind of innocent victim (of your wife) but, based on your own posts, you are the furthest thing from that.

[Ultimo12]

You're welcome for the hugs and wishes, Ultimo. They are genuine and heartfelt.

 

Ultimo,

Your different posts aren't adding up to a cogent whole. As I understood it, the main problem is (was, since you're now separated) that she does not believe in "sex that is not procreative", and you knew this BEFORE you married her. But...

 

...you LIED to her to get her to marry you. And, by your own admission, you didn't marry her for love but because you wanted companionship.

 

You're not owning the fact that you lied to her, and that she had every reason to stop trusting you. You lied about something that you knew was a HUGE, IMPORTANT, MORAL IMPERATIVE for her. That makes you untrustworthy, as far as she is concerned. You lied to get what you wanted.

 

You're telling yourself that you did NOT lie, and you're looking for this situation to be due to some "pathology" on her part. In truth, you created all of this by knowingly lying about something incredibly significant, especially in a marital relationship.

 

 

At least she had some love for you...even if it wasn't "that much". You, on the other hand, got married (and under false pretenses) just because you "wanted companionship".

 

Does your family know that? Do they know that, after you got married, you then tried to control and manipulate your wife using sex as your weapon of choice? What was it that you did for your wife to get scared of you?

 

What did you do to earn your wife's trust and love, and to grow it stronger?

It's coming across that you're trying to position yourself as some kind of innocent victim (of your wife) but, based on your own posts, you are the furthest thing from that.

 

 

Ronni, sincerely, I am not following you. How can you say I lied to her before marriage? She said, I will only marry you if we have children. And then we had to negociate about how many to finally agree to 4. I didn't particularly want children, but I agreed with her to get her. I believe she knew this from the start.

 

Then after marriage, for 6 months, we had sex DAILY. She gave herself to me all the time. But we also fought daily. So me seeing that, and also feeling she didn't trust me, I decided to stop having sex to avoid a risk of children until my complains where met. I tried to talk to her directly about how she wasn't right about this or that, and she said I brought invalid complains.

 

I would be perfectly happy with her alone, and she tells me if theres no children shes not interested to stay with me. I mean what kind of love is that? She left on an ultimatum, either having sex or she leaves...

 

I do feel like the victim, I can't help it since I even proposed to wait some time on children and try to reinforce our bond, and she refused that and left. Now shes back in the USAS looking for a job when she should be here with me.

 

Please, If I am still misunderstanding something, help me see it.

 

Say I called her and said, hey lets try for children, once she will have them, will she want to stay with me where I live? She will probably want to leave to usas again with them, and i will pay a pension.

 

 

Her main problem was me being ambivalent about children, me talking to my familly about us, me liking sexual things she disagreed with (I will explain lower), me complaining about her constantly getting angry, me making her feel bad when she visited her familly because I missed her and couldn't stand being alone for a few days, me buying a dog and not really taking it out in the mornings enough because i like to sleep late..

 

For instance at the start of our marriage I tried to get her to stop believing in God, I got her to come to strippers with me even though she felt really bad about it, I slept with her before marriage even though she disagree with premarital sex and told me so, I made her look at porn when she was against it, I also tried to convince her many many times to give me oral sex, and she wouldnt want to.

 

These are part of my faults. The biggest ones being talking to my familly, that got us appart. But I mean, she tried to even get me to move away so I couldnt talk to them.

 

What I disagreed with on my side was:

- She calling me names and cursing at me

- She being angry everyday (really bad temper)

- She almost seeming not to love me but only want children

- I agreed to no contraception, 4 kids, her staying home to educate them, them being raised catholic. The only things she agreed with was learning french, but she said she wouldnt be good enough to teach it to them anyways, so id have to teach them... Which means since shes with them 75% of the time, they will speak english. And she kept telling me how shed want us to consider moving to USAS if opportunity should arise. But I HATE the way americans live, and I want to live in a french speaking environment. It just seems to me I did all concessions and she did none.

 

Ronni or others, please, enlighten me on this because even though we are separated i think about it 24/7

Edited January 27, 2010 by Ultimo12