Dee Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 Jerk!!! I'm running a low-grade fever ... aching all over .... due to a Lupus flare ... also a little help from CFS and FMS ... and asked my husband if he would PLEASE help me find my pen to the 'wacom' graphics tablet so I can draw on the computer .. which takes my mind of the way I feel. He gets MAD ... and says he doesn't want to look through everything to find it .... grrrrrrrr!!!!! Thanks allot buddy! I've been as nice as any wife could be to him ... even though he's been pretty much of a jerk lately ... and still he can't take a little time to help make my night a little brighter? He finally did start to look ... grudgingly ... and after a bit, I went to offer him help ... he got really MAD at me ... he was throwing things around in some boxes, and these were important things .... and when I asked him nicely to please be careful with them, he got mad AGAIN! What is WRONG with this man??? OH YEAH ... and a little bit earlier .. before I began to feel bad, I approached HIM for sex ... as usual, it's always ME who approaches HIM ... and well yeah .. you bet he was responsive to that! He was all sweet as pie! UGH! Am I being too sensitive here? I've had Lupus, cfs and fms .. for about 2 years, he's never learned anything about them ... or has he ever really taken care of me when I'm feeling really bad, or even shown much empathy. Thanks for letting me vent. Hugs, Dee Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 Well, Dee, he probably has learned that most often when a man is kind, sweet, accomodating, loyal, generous, warm, etc. to a female, he ultimately gets the shaft. It's the bastards that seem to keep the ladies happy by handing them crap 24/7 and stay with them forever. So you have to answer the question for me....rather than the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dee Posted June 8, 2003 Author Share Posted June 8, 2003 Oh dear ... I'm sorry Tony, but I'm SO achey and feverish, I'm afraid I can't seem to process your response! LOL!! Now THAT'S bad! I THINK I know what you're saying ..... but please try and make it more simpler .... for this sick folk. Thanks, Dee Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 YOU ASK: "What is WRONG with this man???" Nothing at all. YOU are being way too nice to him. That won't get you anywhere. You're going to have to start sticking up for your needs and insisting on certain things in the relationship. If he doesn't come through...get away. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 I see the same thing with my parents -- my mother gives and my father gripes. And when she gets sick (which is often, she's a severe diabetic), he just wigs out. Instead of being kind or loving, he gets angry with her, because he's scared and that's the only way he knows how to deal with it. He's good at the practical stuff -- taking her for doctor visits and filling out paperwork -- but his bedside manner needs a lot of work. At this point, my mother (and us kids) have to reassure him that while it's okay to be upset about the changes they're facing, but he needs to focus on being loving, not bitchy. Don't know if it's because it's an age thing or the fact that my dad was raised by wolves that he responds this way ... anyhow, maybe this also is your husband's way of coping with your illness? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 The majority of men are providers, not nurturers. It’s simply not in their DNA. If you find a kind, sensitive and spiritually-connected man…chances are he’s probably gay. I think the process of evolution is trying to balance things out between the sexes, but obviously there are still some kinks to be worked out. Of course, there are those rare occasions when Mother Nature does finally get it right and produces a male offspring with just the right balance of estrogen and testosterone . But chances are, his Neanderthal buddies will have already beaten the “sissy” out of him long before you ever get to meet him. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 8, 2003 Share Posted June 8, 2003 EnigmaXOXO WRITES: "If you find a kind, sensitive and spiritually-connected man…chances are he’s probably gay." Nah, he could be on drugs, under the influence of hypnosis, participating in a secret government research experiment, being paid by a reality TV program, etc. He doesn't necessarily have to be gay!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Evil Teddi Posted June 9, 2003 Share Posted June 9, 2003 Originally posted by Tony EnigmaXOXO WRITES: "If you find a kind, sensitive and spiritually-connected man…chances are he’s probably gay." Nah, he could be on drugs, under the influence of hypnosis, participating in a secret government research experiment, being paid by a reality TV program, etc. He doesn't necessarily have to be gay!!! No, no, no, that's all wrong. We all dont get laid because we're pansies! Ya gotta put it simple, Tony! Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 On the contrary I do think that men have the capacity to be nurturing, but they are often raised to be providers, and nurturing was never cultivated. When your husband gets upset, he's not mad at you, he's mad at the illness. The illness makes you sick, and it doesn't make you behave well, and he doesn't like that. When you offer sex, he likes that because it says to him that you're well enough for something. If your husband knows very little about your disease I suggest the both of you learn as much as you can about it. Often times when we say in sickness and in health we don't actually think that our mate could become gravely sick and that we may have to take care of them. I don't know if you got diagnosed after you got married or before, but both of you need to learn as much as you can about your sicknesses and better coping skills. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dee Posted June 10, 2003 Author Share Posted June 10, 2003 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO The majority of men are providers, not nurturers. It’s simply not in their DNA. If you find a kind, sensitive and spiritually-connected man…chances are he’s probably gay. I think the process of evolution is trying to balance things out between the sexes, but obviously there are still some kinks to be worked out. Of course, there are those rare occasions when Mother Nature does finally get it right and produces a male offspring with just the right balance of estrogen and testosterone . But chances are, his Neanderthal buddies will have already beaten the “sissy” out of him long before you ever get to meet him. That's allot of hogwash!! Sorry .... but I know many men who are that way ... married ...... some single ... dating ..... and they're NOT gay, they were just raised to respect women. What you said, is a lie that women have been believing for years, only because we know we can't win .... men have been feeding that to us ... society has .. and we're suppose to accept it, that's sad! I believe it all depends on his unbringing, and also his spiritual walk with God. I know many men that cherish their wifes, are willing to actively listen, and communicate with her, protect her, stand up for her, and will cook when they have to. I know men who are tender, and sympathetic, and enjoy affection, so I'm sorry .. but I don't believe the above statement. I'm not saying anything against you if that's how you feel ... I just don't agree, because I've seen the opposite too many times. Unfortantely all these men are married or spoken for! LOL!! Hugs, Dee Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dee Posted June 10, 2003 Author Share Posted June 10, 2003 Originally posted by ThisGirlNameKD On the contrary I do think that men have the capacity to be nurturing, but they are often raised to be providers, and nurturing was never cultivated. When your husband gets upset, he's not mad at you, he's mad at the illness. The illness makes you sick, and it doesn't make you behave well, and he doesn't like that. When you offer sex, he likes that because it says to him that you're well enough for something. If your husband knows very little about your disease I suggest the both of you learn as much as you can about it. Often times when we say in sickness and in health we don't actually think that our mate could become gravely sick and that we may have to take care of them. I don't know if you got diagnosed after you got married or before, but both of you need to learn as much as you can about your sicknesses and better coping skills. You're right, they DO have the capacity to be nurturing ... and there ARE many parents who DO raise them that way ... sadly too many don't. Yes, my husband MAY be mad at the illness .... but I know for sure he's not SCARED or concerned about my welfare, because of so many things that have happened. I awoke in the middle of the night with hallucinations from a medication I was on, and he got MAD at me! Hello ??? He was upset because I woke him up, and he stayed annoyed the whole time I was desperatly trying to reason with reality and what the meds were doing! He's gotten angry with me for having chest pains ... and having to go to the ER ... uh .... excuse me?? I've had the flu for 3 weeks ... so sick that I couldn't leave the bed, only to use the bathroom ... and he walked by me most of the time, never checking on me, asking me if I needed anything (mainly WATER), and virtually ignored me most of the time. It goes on ..... but you get the picture! When he's been sick (and he HAS), I'm right there for him! He had chest pains once, and I was very observant and concerned. He got dizzy once, and I made sure he was ok before I continued what I was doing .... putting HIM first. AH! The 'not knowing' about my illness! Well, I've read and researched everything there is to know about ALL of my conditions (I have 4) and have shown him pamphlets, books, tried to read him a few paragraphs ... asked him to come to the doctor with me, and he won't do any of it! He doesn't WANT to learn about it, and not because it scares him ... but because he just doesn't care. You have to know this man to understand, actually you'd have to be married to him ... because if you just met him, you'd like him. He's very friendly, and likes to joke ... and helpful to OTHER folks, just not me. Now mind you, I'm also very outgoing, friendly, and lovable ... I have no problem with other people liking me .. he just has a problem with ME .... he doesn't "LIKE" me ... I don't think he's ever really liked or respected me because me and my beliefs are so far from his 'rough' life ... the life his family lived, and the life that most of his friends live .... that to him I'm a "Prima Donna" and not just a woman with emotions and feelings. You'd also have to know his childhood situation, and that his father was in prison much of his life for molesting his own daughters and other 'young' girls. He showed no respect for his wife who was raising 7 children on her own! His brother beat his first wife ... and another brother left his wife on the floor, after she had a stroke ... for several hours!! The women in the family are cold and critical ..... so you see what he's been brought up with! He's told me and the therapist, that he feels like he's drowning when he has to kiss a woman ...... and he needs NO touch of any kind! He doesn't like touch, and I mean any kind of soft or loving touch. OH yes .... and he won't go further with that in counseling, he dropped out .... cause he just doesn't want to get in touch with things. He just says he doesn't want to and doesn't believe it would do any good anyway. If you only heard how he spoke to me sometimes! With sex, he uses really rough language ... and NOT just during sex .. but about sex, it often ends up sounding like 'rape'! He will turn me around, do his thing from behind .... and stand back with his hands on his hips .... and stand there .... like he's accomplished HIS mission .... and that's it! No kiss ... no hug, not even a thank you! Once in a while, he'll say 'that was nice' ... but geesh! I HAVE decided to leave by the way ... I just have to find a room to rent .. which is hard around this area .. but I went out looking yesterday and will again tomorrow. I have to pace myself. I've decided I can't deal with THIS and my health too. Just to let you and everybody else know ... I'm NOT dragging or acting sick most of the time ... I try to push on and live as normal as I can. I'm fun, loving and a have a 'funky' wild side to me that's very innocent. I laugh, I joke ... I'm not a stick in the mud by all means .... but with HIM I'm unhappy and not treated well, so I'm much more withdrawn and not the woman I could be with a man who shows his love to me. OK this has gone on too long! Take care, Hugs, Dee Link to post Share on other sites
km82794 Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 Dear Dee, I have been in your situation twice in my life now. From the behavior you described, it sounds like you are married to a mental abuser. I used to tell my ex husband that I would just rather him punch me in the face than hear him say one more stupid as@hole remark. How "some" men who are abused mentally and physically as children can grow up to be abusers as well, is still a mystery to me. All I can say is maybe it's similar to the saying "if you hang with hillbilly's long enough, you start to act like one, (no offense to your husband), my current guy is the same way. My guy was abused as a child by his mother. This man can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You would never be able to tell what a monster he can be unless you live with him, otherwise you would think "what a wonderful guy". The sad thing is you would have THOUGHT I would have seen the same behavior pattern this time around like I had with my ex husband, BUT NOOOOOOOO! May I add that my father is the same way to my mother. I feel for you, especially with what you are going through physically from your illness. If you want my opinion, you are making the right decision by leaving. Maybe it will wake your husband up, maybe not, but alteast you will have your sanity. There are many books in the library on this subject to help you cope as well as make him recognize what he is doing to you emotionally. I will say I did it and even though my guy did say "maybe I do some of this stuff, I'll try", he still has his moments that I think I'd like to tie him to a chair and duct tape his mouth shut. Warning: If you decide to throw this book in his face next time he does it, I wouldn't expect a very good response. Once you confront an abuser, it usually only gets worse. Goodluck and take care! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 he still has his moments that I think I'd like to tie him to a chair and duct tape his mouth shut KM, I think that's what women want to do EVERY time their men start talking through a TV program they're trying to enjoy!!! Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 13, 2003 Share Posted June 13, 2003 Maybe he's toxic to you. 4 conditions? That's quite a few. You need to get healthy. What are you doing that will improve your health? Eating right and exercise, vitamins, juices, plenty of water. These things do make a difference. Of course, getting the hell out of hell, helps too. Link to post Share on other sites
Dragonflys Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 Not because I'm against you or for him, but because maybe we need a balanced argument. Reading you posts, you seem to pick on and remember every single detail of what has occurred with you, him, the ilness, and everything else. Could it be that he just finds you a little too much to deal with?, are you constantly asking for things? [even if it's nicely?]. Most people just like a bit of personal space and freedom to do their own thing, and maybe when you are sick you just become too demanding and picky about everything. I know for a fact it would drive me nuts and would cause me to stay away from you as much as possible while you are ill, as long as its not life threatening of course!. If he is not always like this, then maybe you should look at how you behave when sick and maybe tone it down a bit. Men are not quite as perceptive sometimes when it comes to being at someones beck and call and can be easily overwhelmed. Alternatively, get him some headache pills and see if he feels better! Oliver Link to post Share on other sites
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