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No longer having sex after 20 years of marriage


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I have read so many posts here about this but they don't seem to pertain to me exactly.

 

My wife and I have been married for 20 years and have no children on which to blame lack of sex.

 

I work outside of the house as the primary bread winner and she does not; so tired from work doesn't cut it either (and no, I don't lord this over her). We have a house keeper so she is not tired from maintaining the house (I would not think). The only time we have sex is if we are on an expensive vacation (Like Hawaii) or if I buy her an expensive gift (a hot tub was good for one time).

 

I try to be understanding and not pressure her. I try to make her feel loved and cared for and I try to not attach strings to any of my actions. We have seen a psychiatrist about this to no avail.

 

Is she simply no longer interested in me? I cannot imagine being without her but is it time to move on?

 

Sex is not the most important thing in the world to me, but more than once a year would be nice. We are both in our mid 40's so we are physically able and she says she really enjoys it when we have sex which really confuses me.

 

I have read book after book, post after post, and nothing seems to help in the least.

 

Any ideas other than those I have read 1,000 times would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks in advance.

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You married a gold digger. Hate to say it but it's true. The only way you're going to be able to keep having sex with her is if you pay up (ex. nice vacation or gift). Other than that you have a lonely life ahead of you my friend.

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BF

 

Did you always have this disparity in your libidos?

 

 

Presumably things have changed along the way and it was not always like this. When did it change?

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Simon Attwood

This sounds like a classic sexual value game.

 

You're supposed to try harder, to prove her sexual value to you. when ever you pay for a holiday or buy the gifts, she feels valued and sexually attractive to you.

 

that trying harder can actually have the opposite effect and she might end up being repulsed. It's a real catch 22 situation, as these sexual value games usually are. They are dysfunctional elements that stem from primitive areas of the human brain.

 

See if you can find a relationship therapist that specialises in MCBT (Mindfulness Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), who will see you both and discuss this issue and it's core motives and provide constructive advice.

 

Try not to listen to the many jaded and dysfunctional suggestions that often get posted on this forum ;)

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@aerogurl87: This has occurred to me, but has not always been the case. Maybe she spent the first 15 years of our life together "reeling me in"? Seems like a lot of work for a gold digger but what do I know? I appreciate your input none-the-less.

 

 

@Brightmoon: Not at all. In fact for a while I had a hard time keeping up with her desire (for the first 10 years or so). Then things seemed to even up libido-wise (as you would probably expect) to the point where now I feel like I am begging. Neither of us have gained or lost weight significantly, we have not developed or given up any substance abuse problems and as far as I can tell she is not cheating on me (and I know I am not cheating on her). Our income has increased steadily (thank God for that), and there have been no significant changes in our live's regarding family (no unexpected illness or death). We are surrounded by family and friends and she has hobbies that seem to make her happy. I am not working any more or less than ever and have been as attentive as I know how to be. It is like the "new" has worn off even though I try to keep things interesting.

 

We have sought professional help, but these sessions only seem to reveal that she does not feel "safe enough with me to be intimate" which I also find confusing as she used to feel safe and I have never given her reason to not feel safe with me as far as I know.

 

Perhaps our 20 year relationship has run its course but I cannot imagine trying to start over at 43 years old. I wish it was as simple as "gold digging" as I would gladly continue to buy things (especially things we both enjoy) but this seems too simple an answer at a gut level. But again, what do I know?

 

Thanks to you both for your input.

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I have read so many posts here about this but they don't seem to pertain to me exactly.

 

My wife and I have been married for 20 years and have no children on which to blame lack of sex.

 

I work outside of the house as the primary bread winner and she does not; so tired from work doesn't cut it either (and no, I don't lord this over her). We have a house keeper so she is not tired from maintaining the house (I would not think). The only time we have sex is if we are on an expensive vacation (Like Hawaii) or if I buy her an expensive gift (a hot tub was good for one time).

 

I try to be understanding and not pressure her. I try to make her feel loved and cared for and I try to not attach strings to any of my actions. We have seen a psychiatrist about this to no avail.

 

Is she simply no longer interested in me? I cannot imagine being without her but is it time to move on?

 

Sex is not the most important thing in the world to me, but more than once a year would be nice. We are both in our mid 40's so we are physically able and she says she really enjoys it when we have sex which really confuses me.

 

I have read book after book, post after post, and nothing seems to help in the least.

 

Any ideas other than those I have read 1,000 times would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

 

Well I guess after you rule out the obvious problems such as depression an affair? lack of desire born out of unsatisfactory sex? resentment? I guess you have to think that she just isn't into you any more. Why does it seem that the more I read on this message board the more I see that alot of women get tired of "Mr. Nice Guy". I hate to say it but I am starting to understand the Alpha and Beta therory of personality that was posted in a previous thread. You seem like a terrific guy. You are the breadwinner, you are attentive and your wife is doted on. Why don't you pull back a little and let her do some of the work in this relationship? It might make her think she may lose you. You may then see how she really feels. If nothing changes you may IMO want to put a keylogger on her computer. She may have too much time on her hands. Just saying.



 

 

Lee

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Think about this for a minute. You stated.....

 

 

"The only time we have sex is if we are on an expensive vacation (Like Hawaii) or if I buy her an expensive gift (a hot tub was good for one time").

 

 

So, what do you think? Your payoff and hers, is if you buy her something expensive, she feels its ok then to have sex with you.

 

 

I think the main question is, why are you continuely allowing yourself to be used?

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She's been with you for 20 years. I don't think saying you married a gold digger is correct. Why did you stop counseling? I don't think it ending at her not feeling safe enough with you to be intimate sounds like an appropriate time to end counseling (if you have.) Perhaps she needs some individual counseling. It could be anything. Is she around the same age? Maybe her hormone levels are off. CBT is a good suggestion.

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I don't think she's a gold digger. I think she's not attracted to you?

 

Have you gained weight recently or lost your hair? Do you maintain your appearence? Do you frequently break wind and burp in front of her? Do you have hair coming out of your ears and nose? All these things add up after 20 years and a person who may have once been ravenous for you only sees you as a fat, hairy wind bag.

 

I think you should focus more on how you can make her attracted to you. Get in the hot tub and ask her what attracted her to you in the first place. Ask her to be specific and work on regaining whatever that is as best you can.

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Have you gained weight recently or lost your hair? Do you maintain your appearence? Do you frequently break wind and burp in front of her? Do you have hair coming out of your ears and nose? All these things add up after 20 years and a person who may have once been ravenous for you only sees you as a fat, hairy wind bag.

 

 

 

very funny... lol :) :)

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Just put it out there and talk to her..Ask her is she's truly happy in the marriage. And, speak from your heart, be honest and tell her that you want more than just a roommate/bestfriend relationship.

 

Obviously at some point you two were inlove, passionate, enough to get married, and stay together for 20 years.

 

Do you like spending time with her?

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Toodamnpragmatic

Does anyone read the posts???? No weight gain or change in appearance, and heck after 20, most males start losing hair or maybe some white hair.... Is going bald a "dealbreaker" concerning sex????? How damn vain can one be??????

 

I am so tired of this and so sorry. Counseling and sham of answers "not feeling safe" is okay????

 

You are a saint. She has no job, help around the home, friends, hobbies, no children or family crisis.... Yet she does not care enough about sex.

 

Geez 1X/yr????? How often has this gone on? You also say at the beginning you could not keep up. I am just another "dumb" male and don't get it....

 

Again the spouse enjoys it and yet that changes nothing.....

 

I have asked and been derided about how spouses should react to expensive gifts/trips/purchases...... I said simply that if my wife bought me something expensive, I'd offer her sex right on the spot:laugh:.... and be rebuffed..... As a male I stupidly expect it (sex) as it is mutually satisfying....

 

You have every right to tell her you can't live like this (and should have after 6 months of no sex), protect your assets and figure out what you wan to do. There is a website that is for diuscreet affairs for people in relationships. Certainly sounds wrong, but in this case and more and more situations I understand it 100%.....

 

Again thank you Loveshack for steering me to so many people in the same or worse situation then me.....

 

As I often say... All I can say is.... I am so sorry......

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BF,

When your wife said she didn't feel safe with you - was she able to provide a coherent explanation as to why? Can you explain more about why she claims to not feel safe and to what degree you think that is a valid statement?

 

 

 

 

@aerogurl87: This has occurred to me, but has not always been the case. Maybe she spent the first 15 years of our life together "reeling me in"? Seems like a lot of work for a gold digger but what do I know? I appreciate your input none-the-less.

 

 

@Brightmoon: Not at all. In fact for a while I had a hard time keeping up with her desire (for the first 10 years or so). Then things seemed to even up libido-wise (as you would probably expect) to the point where now I feel like I am begging. Neither of us have gained or lost weight significantly, we have not developed or given up any substance abuse problems and as far as I can tell she is not cheating on me (and I know I am not cheating on her). Our income has increased steadily (thank God for that), and there have been no significant changes in our live's regarding family (no unexpected illness or death). We are surrounded by family and friends and she has hobbies that seem to make her happy. I am not working any more or less than ever and have been as attentive as I know how to be. It is like the "new" has worn off even though I try to keep things interesting.

 

We have sought professional help, but these sessions only seem to reveal that she does not feel "safe enough with me to be intimate" which I also find confusing as she used to feel safe and I have never given her reason to not feel safe with me as far as I know.

 

Perhaps our 20 year relationship has run its course but I cannot imagine trying to start over at 43 years old. I wish it was as simple as "gold digging" as I would gladly continue to buy things (especially things we both enjoy) but this seems too simple an answer at a gut level. But again, what do I know?

 

Thanks to you both for your input.

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Everything else outside of the bedroom is ok then? Very attentive to you in other ways? Does she seem withdrawn or distant like she has her mind elsewhere other then in the bedroom?

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Toodamnpragmatic
BF,

When your wife said she didn't feel safe with you - was she able to provide a coherent explanation as to why? Can you explain more about why she claims to not feel safe and to what degree you think that is a valid statement?

 

Where is your long response and explanation about Alpha/Beta males...... And of course while I'm at it, where's Lizzie (my pal) to tell you she loves sex, just not with you..........:rolleyes:

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"but these sessions only seem to reveal that she does not feel "safe enough with me to be intimate" which I also find confusing as she used to feel safe and I have never given her reason to not feel safe with me as far as I know".

 

If you have done nothing to make her feel unsafe, then perhaps its an excuse.

 

Also do not ever be to sure of anything...I have seen alot of people come across as being very sure of what is or is not happening, only to find out they were wrong...so I would say its a 50/50 chance of anything at this point.

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The not feeling "safe" is almost certainly a half truth.

 

It is code for "I am no longer attracted to you but don't feel safe telling you that because why would you continue to work full time to give me a great and cushy life if I am not even attracted to you anymore?"

 

I think it is fair to tell her that she can either be honest about the fact that she simply has no desire for you - so the two of you can try to solve THAT problem which is the real issue OR she can start having regular sex simply out of respect for everything you do for her. So she can either do it or be honest about WHY she has lost her desire to do it. This may not be fixable.

 

If you start any of these conversations with her by saying "I would never leave you over sex" you can be almost certain that nothing will change.

 

If you start them with "I don't feel satisfied with our physical relationship and think you are trying to avoid hurting my feelings - if you don't work with me to resolve this I am going to seriously question whether this marriage is healthy for me" This is how women talk. They don't threaten directly. They gradually escalate. This is the mature way to handle something so serious.

 

If you allow her to continue to lie to you about this she will lose her respect for you.

 

Do you feel you are conflict avoidant in your marriage? Because it sounds like you have let this issue get to a fairly extreme level.

 

 

@aerogurl87: This has occurred to me, but has not always been the case. Maybe she spent the first 15 years of our life together "reeling me in"? Seems like a lot of work for a gold digger but what do I know? I appreciate your input none-the-less.

 

 

@Brightmoon: Not at all. In fact for a while I had a hard time keeping up with her desire (for the first 10 years or so). Then things seemed to even up libido-wise (as you would probably expect) to the point where now I feel like I am begging. Neither of us have gained or lost weight significantly, we have not developed or given up any substance abuse problems and as far as I can tell she is not cheating on me (and I know I am not cheating on her). Our income has increased steadily (thank God for that), and there have been no significant changes in our live's regarding family (no unexpected illness or death). We are surrounded by family and friends and she has hobbies that seem to make her happy. I am not working any more or less than ever and have been as attentive as I know how to be. It is like the "new" has worn off even though I try to keep things interesting.

 

We have sought professional help, but these sessions only seem to reveal that she does not feel "safe enough with me to be intimate" which I also find confusing as she used to feel safe and I have never given her reason to not feel safe with me as far as I know.

 

Perhaps our 20 year relationship has run its course but I cannot imagine trying to start over at 43 years old. I wish it was as simple as "gold digging" as I would gladly continue to buy things (especially things we both enjoy) but this seems too simple an answer at a gut level. But again, what do I know?

 

Thanks to you both for your input.

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Some tips:

 

She says 'I don't feel safe enough with you to be intimate'....

 

Reality: It doesn't matter where that came from or what the reasons are or whether or not they're valid or even that there are reasons or that the perspective is valid or reasonable. Logic does not work with emotions, IMO.

Here's some good reading

 

Welcome to LS :)

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Logic does not work with emotions, IMO.

Here's some good reading

 

Welcome to LS :)

 

Actually, I think that most emotions come from a very logical place, if that makes any sense. As far as the OP's situation, I can't figure out what's going right now.

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In my lifetime of experience with women, disagree. In analysis of myself within therapy, disagree.

 

YMMV.... hope the OP is reading this.

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Well I can only speak for myself..but I know for me, when my emotions are outta whack..I'm not very logical.

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The only time we have sex is if we are on an expensive vacation (Like Hawaii) or if I buy her an expensive gift (a hot tub was good for one time).

--------------------

 

Oh come on now... wtf... a trip to Haiwaii... hot tub.. that's 'bébé lala'... she needs more substantial gifts...

 

Do more... a lot more... like:

 

weekend to Paris once a month;

shopping spree (of course with YOUR credit card);

a cruise for a month or so;

spa, manicure, pedicure... at least once a week..;

 

this .. only to name a few examples... (i might think of more :laugh:)..

 

 

 

I try to be understanding and not pressure her. I try to make her feel loved and cared for and I try to not attach strings

---------------------------

 

Do more... tell her she's the most extraordinary, beautiful woman on earth...

 

 

Is she simply no longer interested in me? I cannot imagine being without her but is it time to move on?

-------------------

 

You nailed it.. she's just NOT interested in you sexually... it's quite obvious... she does it ONLY when there is a nice 'prize' attached to it... and she's probably hoping it's going to be 'short and sweet'...

 

 

Sex is not the most important thing in the world to me, but more than once a year would be nice.

-----------------------

 

Come on now... no wonder she's tired... once a year.. honestly.. stop it.. now... you're going to burn her.... geeeeezzz

 

My only advice... get it somewhere else... simple...

 

She might already had an affair... or she is fantasizing about other men... she's not menopausal yet.. I doubt it very much...

 

She's just tired of you... bring her a nice stud.. and see what happens.. :D

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She's just tired of you... bring her a nice stud.. and see what happens..

 

Yes, but use a Shetland to start until she gets used to the size ;)

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Any ideas other than those I have read 1,000 times would be greatly appreciated.

try being more of a bad boy and less of a nice guy

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Yeah, bringing a third party in is always a solution. :laugh::rolleyes:

 

Maybe open your eyes a bit more, I bet the truth isn't to far away.

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