On the verge of divorce

[Ultimo12]

Me and my wife have been married for one year. She is vietnamese american, and I come from Quebec. She is very fervent catholic and familly oriented, I am very individualistic. We had from the start alot of barriers, but I had been longin to meet someone for a while. I got a training in philosophy and she had an interest in philosophy too. We met talking philosophy on internet while on playing a game. She came up in Quebec to live with me.

 

My main issue is that we fight constantly since a year, on a daily basis almost. I believe she has an anger managment issue. Her familly warned me, and so did she, that she had a bad temper. She does have an enormous heart but she gets angry really easily, remains angry for long, and I feel I am walking on eggshells in our relationship.

 

Being very fervent, back when we met each others, she would not come live with me in Canada as it was badly seen by her familly, even though we didn't have sex. I went to visit her for 4 weeks, and then after she came to visit me for 3 weeks in Canada. After that, I was starting back school, so to live with her my only option was to marry her or simply wait 1-2 years to get to know her more on the internet.

 

Since I resented lonelyness, and enjoyed my time spent with her, I decided to go ahead and marry her the same year. We have now been married since june 2009 and everything I do doesn't seem to help.

 

The main issue we have right now is that she is very shy and reluctant to talk with anyone about our issues, and I need to communicate alot. I try to talk with her but its very unfertile. I have always been close to my parents and they have been married for long and have a fair judgement so I turned to them to get advices for my marriage. I do not have any friends or other familly beside these parents and my 2 grandparents. The problem is, she doesn't want me to talk with them, she feels that I say only one side of the story, that I am leaguing my familly against her without wanting to, and i keep saying i just want to have advice.

 

Even though she hates therapy, I got her to come with me to 2 couple therapy sessions. The therapist did mention, "she is alone in Quebec, all her familly is in USAS, so its normal she feels you talking to your familly isolates her". On the counterpart, the therapist said my wife should try to give me the room for communication I deserved. For about 4 months, it was still rough, but I managed not talking with my familly, and she tried talking with me, but shes really bad at it and she still couldnt trust me even though I wasn't talking with them. She says it violates our intimacy.

Even her mom told her not to worry so much, that I loved her and really wanted advices. But her being bad tempered, when we would go to my familly togheter, some jokes were pulled on her being bad tempered because of what I had told my familly.

 

The thing is my mom told me she could see my wife is bad tempered just by some of the actions or words she says when were togheter. So really its not like I unveiled anything.

 

Another issue we have is she refuses absolutely any use of contraception. She thinks its a sin. I tried opening her mind but to no avail, so i though for long before marriage and decided to marry her anyways. I ideally want two kids, but she made me agree to 4 before the marriage. I did agree back then but I didn't know how much of a temper and the trust issues she had. Sometimes now she even curses at me when shes mad.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, I proposed her to pay for anger management sessions for her but she refuses saying I am the most selfish person she ever met and that shes angry because I dont give her space.

 

please, someone help me, I am a student and I cannot afford councelling anymore (wife doesnt want to go anymore anyways, shes says they are all a bunch of qwack) and i am afraid of talking with my familly.

[hopesndreams]

I think your W could be right. You are relying too much on family, especially your mum. You got married, it is now 2 of you against the world. Show her she is the most important person in the world to you. Your family doesn't need the intimate details and they certainly don't need to hear of her bad temper. I think she is feeling turned against.

 

I have always been close to my parents and they have been married for long and have a fair judgement so I turned to them to get advices for my marriage.

 

The problem is, she doesn't want me to talk with them, she feels that I say only one side of the story, that I am leaguing my familly against her without wanting to, and i keep saying i just want to have advice.

[mem11363]

If she is very sexual, really physically into you, then ignore the rest of this post as it is wrong. If she is very much NOT into sex with you - keep reading.

 

She sees you as weak and doesn't respect you. She wouldn't be angry/abusive otherwise. As for the birth control thing - you don't full get it do you. She likely is not very into sex and not very attracted to you. A lack of BC will make it easy for her to limit/turn off sex (fear of making a baby by accident). And don't talk rythm to me - I know what it is. A woman who wants to avoid "risk" of being pregnant will simply shut you down if all you are using is rythm.

 

A woman who is attracted to her mate - is generally happy and nice to that mate. She is angry because she JUST ISN'T THAT INTO YOU.

 

If you have had no kids yet. Then you have a chance to fix things - but only if you are willing to stand up to her.

 

 

 

 

Me and my wife have been married for one year. She is vietnamese american, and I come from Quebec. She is very fervent catholic and familly oriented, I am very individualistic. We had from the start alot of barriers, but I had been longin to meet someone for a while. I got a training in philosophy and she had an interest in philosophy too. We met talking philosophy on internet while on playing a game. She came up in Quebec to live with me.

 

My main issue is that we fight constantly since a year, on a daily basis almost. I believe she has an anger managment issue. Her familly warned me, and so did she, that she had a bad temper. She does have an enormous heart but she gets angry really easily, remains angry for long, and I feel I am walking on eggshells in our relationship.

 

Being very fervent, back when we met each others, she would not come live with me in Canada as it was badly seen by her familly, even though we didn't have sex. I went to visit her for 4 weeks, and then after she came to visit me for 3 weeks in Canada. After that, I was starting back school, so to live with her my only option was to marry her or simply wait 1-2 years to get to know her more on the internet.

 

Since I resented lonelyness, and enjoyed my time spent with her, I decided to go ahead and marry her the same year. We have now been married since june 2009 and everything I do doesn't seem to help.

 

The main issue we have right now is that she is very shy and reluctant to talk with anyone about our issues, and I need to communicate alot. I try to talk with her but its very unfertile. I have always been close to my parents and they have been married for long and have a fair judgement so I turned to them to get advices for my marriage. I do not have any friends or other familly beside these parents and my 2 grandparents. The problem is, she doesn't want me to talk with them, she feels that I say only one side of the story, that I am leaguing my familly against her without wanting to, and i keep saying i just want to have advice.

 

Even though she hates therapy, I got her to come with me to 2 couple therapy sessions. The therapist did mention, "she is alone in Quebec, all her familly is in USAS, so its normal she feels you talking to your familly isolates her". On the counterpart, the therapist said my wife should try to give me the room for communication I deserved. For about 4 months, it was still rough, but I managed not talking with my familly, and she tried talking with me, but shes really bad at it and she still couldnt trust me even though I wasn't talking with them. She says it violates our intimacy.

Even her mom told her not to worry so much, that I loved her and really wanted advices. But her being bad tempered, when we would go to my familly togheter, some jokes were pulled on her being bad tempered because of what I had told my familly.

 

The thing is my mom told me she could see my wife is bad tempered just by some of the actions or words she says when were togheter. So really its not like I unveiled anything.

 

Another issue we have is she refuses absolutely any use of contraception. She thinks its a sin. I tried opening her mind but to no avail, so i though for long before marriage and decided to marry her anyways. I ideally want two kids, but she made me agree to 4 before the marriage. I did agree back then but I didn't know how much of a temper and the trust issues she had. Sometimes now she even curses at me when shes mad.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, I proposed her to pay for anger management sessions for her but she refuses saying I am the most selfish person she ever met and that shes angry because I dont give her space.

 

please, someone help me, I am a student and I cannot afford councelling anymore (wife doesnt want to go anymore anyways, shes says they are all a bunch of qwack) and i am afraid of talking with my familly.

[Jeff1962]

Me and my wife have been married for one year. She is vietnamese american, and I come from Quebec. She is very fervent catholic and familly oriented, I am very individualistic. We had from the start alot of barriers, but I had been longin to meet someone for a while. I got a training in philosophy and she had an interest in philosophy too. We met talking philosophy on internet while on playing a game. She came up in Quebec to live with me.

 

My main issue is that we fight constantly since a year, on a daily basis almost. I believe she has an anger managment issue. Her familly warned me, and so did she, that she had a bad temper. She does have an enormous heart but she gets angry really easily, remains angry for long, and I feel I am walking on eggshells in our relationship.

 

Being very fervent, back when we met each others, she would not come live with me in Canada as it was badly seen by her familly, even though we didn't have sex. I went to visit her for 4 weeks, and then after she came to visit me for 3 weeks in Canada. After that, I was starting back school, so to live with her my only option was to marry her or simply wait 1-2 years to get to know her more on the internet.

 

Since I resented lonelyness, and enjoyed my time spent with her, I decided to go ahead and marry her the same year. We have now been married since june 2009 and everything I do doesn't seem to help.

 

The main issue we have right now is that she is very shy and reluctant to talk with anyone about our issues, and I need to communicate alot. I try to talk with her but its very unfertile. I have always been close to my parents and they have been married for long and have a fair judgement so I turned to them to get advices for my marriage. I do not have any friends or other familly beside these parents and my 2 grandparents. The problem is, she doesn't want me to talk with them, she feels that I say only one side of the story, that I am leaguing my familly against her without wanting to, and i keep saying i just want to have advice.

 

Even though she hates therapy, I got her to come with me to 2 couple therapy sessions. The therapist did mention, "she is alone in Quebec, all her familly is in USAS, so its normal she feels you talking to your familly isolates her". On the counterpart, the therapist said my wife should try to give me the room for communication I deserved. For about 4 months, it was still rough, but I managed not talking with my familly, and she tried talking with me, but shes really bad at it and she still couldnt trust me even though I wasn't talking with them. She says it violates our intimacy.

Even her mom told her not to worry so much, that I loved her and really wanted advices. But her being bad tempered, when we would go to my familly togheter, some jokes were pulled on her being bad tempered because of what I had told my familly.

 

The thing is my mom told me she could see my wife is bad tempered just by some of the actions or words she says when were togheter. So really its not like I unveiled anything.

 

Another issue we have is she refuses absolutely any use of contraception. She thinks its a sin. I tried opening her mind but to no avail, so i though for long before marriage and decided to marry her anyways. I ideally want two kids, but she made me agree to 4 before the marriage. I did agree back then but I didn't know how much of a temper and the trust issues she had. Sometimes now she even curses at me when shes mad.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, I proposed her to pay for anger management sessions for her but she refuses saying I am the most selfish person she ever met and that shes angry because I dont give her space.

 

please, someone help me, I am a student and I cannot afford councelling anymore (wife doesnt want to go anymore anyways, shes says they are all a bunch of qwack) and i am afraid of talking with my familly.

 

Ask yourself this please. How long or to what point will you allow this ABUSE toward yourself continue?

[Ultimo12]

If she is very sexual, really physically into you, then ignore the rest of this post as it is wrong. If she is very much NOT into sex with you - keep reading.

 

She sees you as weak and doesn't respect you. She wouldn't be angry/abusive otherwise. As for the birth control thing - you don't full get it do you. She likely is not very into sex and not very attracted to you. A lack of BC will make it easy for her to limit/turn off sex (fear of making a baby by accident). And don't talk rythm to me - I know what it is. A woman who wants to avoid "risk" of being pregnant will simply shut you down if all you are using is rythm.

 

A woman who is attracted to her mate - is generally happy and nice to that mate. She is angry because she JUST ISN'T THAT INTO YOU.

 

If you have had no kids yet. Then you have a chance to fix things - but only if you are willing to stand up to her.

 

 

First I would like to thank you guys for taking the time to read and answer my post.

 

As it is now, I do not want to have sex without any contraception because I am contemplating divorce. She is now back with me and we agreed to a 6 months period without sex (she flipped out at first saying I had agreed to 4 kids before mariage, otherwise she wouldnt have married me. It is true that back then I was ready to do that, but the troubles we have had for the year wev been togheter have made me change my mind).

 

Now, I am 24 and she is 39. This no sex thing for 6 months is getting me angry. Before marriage, she specified she cant use contraception (as she sees it as a sin), but she said we could use familly planning (counting the days method as this was allowed by the church). Now she says she never said she could do that, but that she would try it and realized she can't. She also says she feels "used" if I want to have sex with her if theres no chance she can get pregnant.

 

I dont know what to do anymore. My strategy was to be the best for her for another 6 months and see how she would be with me, and then contemplate to give her the children she wants, but seriously, I have a strong libido and she calls me "intemperant". Why can't we use familly planning anymore?

[Ultimo12]

Here is a copy of a email I sent her before:

Subject: Its becoming clear to me

To: my wife

Date: Wednesday, January 6, 2010, 10:12 AM

This will be a very long email, please take the time to read it and to meditate on it

 

I will be honest with you, I feel I am walking on eggshells in our relationship. I never know which words or actions of mine will make you furious. Simple disagreements which should be solved peacefully and respectfully always end up in crisis between us. Things escalades too fast. Sometimes, you use insults and curses that are very hurtful. We had the police at our place twice because I wouldn't let you go when you were furious. Nowadays, I just let you go like you did last week.

 

Tam, you have an anger management problem and I want to help you with it. I love you and want you to find interior peace, so that you are happier, and that our mariage in consequence becomes better. But I refuse to keep going on with you if you refuse to recognize this issue within you. In order to stop hurting me, you need to heal yourself. Take it this way: you have the opportunity to investigate within yourself why your buttons are pushed so easily and why you remain angry for days sometimes.

 

I have red alot recently about anger issues and one passage from an author really struck me. You remember how you dont like when I say ''i love you'? How you didnt even want me to love you? Did you ever ask yourself why you felt that way? Do you feel inadequate, not worthy of my love, or just guilty?

 

I am ready to work this trough with you in many steps if you want to do so:

 

First I would like to read togheter about anger management in general on the internet

Second, I would like to read togheter this book Love Without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One

And finally I would like to consider you going to therapy for it. I am ready to pay for your sessions.

 

You have shared with me your vision of life, your fears and anxieties, and many of your inner secrets, and its time for me to take the initiative and help you. You have been forgiving with me regarding my faults.

 

There is healthy and unhealthy anger. I want to help you heal interiorly.

 

Alex

here is her answer:

 

Subject: Its becoming clear to me

To: reply from my wife

 

I have considered your proposition and I refuse to see a counselor. First off, I think they are mostly stupid as hell. Do you have any idea what kind of education is required for a psychology major? Most of them are a bunch of quack.

 

Secondly, I looked up anger management and most of them involve teaching the person how to learn to relax, such as breathing techniques, counting to ten, telling yourself to calm down. How many times did I try to calm down by taking a walk or just getting out of the house, and you would follow me around keeping the argument going. Just recently you would actually let me leave. So it was really your fault that I couldnt even calm down before.

 

 

Thirdly, you start these fights me and when I respond by being angry, you blame it on me. Take for example the speaking french thing. You threw that in my face on three other occassions in the last year, and the most recent time being Jan 2. I tried to explain to you that I considered it as critical of you and unfair. You kept telling me you werent saying something bad. You would not listen to me at all. I only was able to escape the argument by going to the showers and I thought that when you were calling me, you were gonna go at it again. And what was I doing, but trying to calm down. And of course, only later you realized that you were actually wrong. But you were still at fault for arguing and arguing and arguing with me that you were right and that you were allowed to tell me those things. So, I am the bad guy because I have anger management problem? Why couldnt you have just left me alone? Why couldnt you have stop saying those hurtful things?

 

 

And you complain that I say hurtful things? I curse alot when I am angry, but mostly it is in the sentence in a general way and not directed at you. I curse at you in the shower because I thougth you werent gonna leave me alone to take my shower. The words that I do call you are jerk and *******. And I call you a liar because you are a liar. And you are a jerk and an ******* when you start criticizing my french when I am trying so hard. WAY harder than you ever tried to learn vietnamese. I still think you are a liar, and I was reconsidering going back to you. Even if i come back, I dont want you to touch me.

 

 

You are one of the most selfish and inconsiderate persons I have ever met. The reason I get angry around you so much is because you are the person you are. And even now, you will not listen to things I have to say. I know I am speaking to air and that you will still blame it all on me again. And you ask me why I am angry.

 

 

Fourth, why on God green earth would I even consider taking your advice. You're such a swell guy? You got yourself a psych degree while I was away? Your so perceptive of reality and human relationships? You got alot of experience in life? Your opinion in this matter is not worth much to me. You cant even remember you own life. Why would you remember the facts between us in a fair and objective manner?

 

 

I see only one solution to this matter. I want a separation. I cant trust you. You lie to me too much. I dont want you touching me. And you keep starting fights with me. The solution would be to stay away from each other.

Edited January 14, 2010 by Ultimo12

[giotto]

Fourth, why on God green earth would I even consider taking your advice. You're such a swell guy? You got yourself a psych degree while I was away? Your so perceptive of reality and human relationships? You got alot of experience in life? Your opinion in this matter is not worth much to me. You cant even remember you own life. Why would you remember the facts between us in a fair and objective manner?

 

 

I don't really understand what a 39 year old woman is doing with a 24 year old... she could almost be his mum...

[hopesndreams]

I don't really understand what a 39 year old woman is doing with a 24 year old... she could almost be his mum...

 

Age aside, she's not a nice person, period.

 

Run, and be thankful you didn't have kids with her.

 

Give her want she wants. Stop fighting to save the M, the more you do, the more venom from her.

 

Her reasons for wanting separation seem very bogus to me.

[Scottdmw]

Possibly the reason she is angry at you is she is afraid that her chances of having children are slipping away fast. At 39, I think she would be lucky to have one child, much less four, at least without expensive fertility treatments using other women's eggs, which she probably doesn't want either. She may feel like she gave you a chance, probably her last chance, and you are squandering it. From the sound of it, you knew going into this marriage that children were very important to her. The “biological clock” is real especially for some women, it is possible she is literally “baby crazy”.

 

She may be hot to separate now, because she feels like you are not going to give her the children she desperately wants, so she is in a hurry to go find someone else while there is possibly still time.

 

If this is true I'm not really sure what to tell you. Possibly if you did have children she would actually turn into a much nicer person, having been freed from that fear. A strong fear like that can do funny things to a person. However, it is impossible to say whether this would really happen. You would be taking quite a risk, if it didn't happen it would be much more difficult to separate at that point.

 

Best wishes,

 

Scott

[WalkInThePark]

Possibly if you did have children she would actually turn into a much nicer person, having been freed from that fear. A strong fear like that can do funny things to a person. However, it is impossible to say whether this would really happen. You would be taking quite a risk, if it didn't happen it would be much more difficult to separate at that point.

 

I think that if she would have children, she would be angry because of the children. This woman sounds like an angry woman and she will always find something to be angry about.

[Ultimo12]

I made my wife read just the initial post of this thread, and she said, "thats not fair, you are not telling them the reasons why i got angry"

 

"in the beginning, we were working togheter, you were telling our workmates everything, and then you said to your mom about our intimate things, my relationship with God which I didnt want to tell you about in the first place.

 

What about all the other stuff that are the reasons I got mad, we got in 5 fights about my family because you wouldnt let me spend time with them.

 

Also I got angry because you tried to get me to do sexual stuff I didnt want to do.

 

And that as a skeptic you tried for 3 months to have me stop going to church and to abandon my morals on sexuality.

 

Then She says I kept saying she didnt learn french fast enough.

 

Also in case my mom needs care, you tried to make me promisse not to go to usas if there was needs."

 

thats her side of things...

Edited January 15, 2010 by Ultimo12

[mem11363]

I think you already know this.

 

You will never be happy with this woman because she will never be happy with you. Sex is 10 percent of the marriage when it is good, it becomes 90 percent of the marriage when it is bad. In your case not only is it bad it will NEVER be even halfway decent.

 

I have read a lot of stories. Every single story where the woman is not willing to have sex for pure recreation - ends in disaster. The reason is simple. Those women are not attracted to/often actively repulsed by their partners. So they will ONLY tolerate sex when they have a good shot at becoming pregnant. They see it as a necessary evil - a means to an end.

 

Your wife considers herself to be highly intelligent. I notice how she mockingly refers to people who become therapists and how obvious it is that she feels mentally superior to those people. And that may well be true. However it is ALSO true that the rythm method is not hard. The fact that she claims she cannot do it is because she DOES NOT WANT to do it. Because she wants to get pregnant as fast as possible so she can have as little sex as she can with you.

 

If you:

- Divorce

- Get a good job

- Learn how to interact with women - clearly you have some growing up to do. You need to learn when to allow someone space if they want it.

 

Eventually you will meet someone nice and have a shot at a happy marriage. This is an angry, arrogant, bitter woman who does not like you and more importantly does not respect you.

 

 

I made my wife read just the initial post of this thread, and she said, "thats not fair, you are not telling them the reasons why i got angry"

 

"in the beginning, we were working togheter, you were telling our workmates everything, and then you said to your mom about our intimate things, my relationship with God which I didnt want to tell you about in the first place.

 

What about all the other stuff that are the reasons I got mad, we got in 5 fights about my family because you wouldnt let me spend time with them.

 

Also I got angry because you tried to get me to do sexual stuff I didnt want to do.

 

And that as a skeptic you tried for 3 months to have me stop going to church and to abandon my morals on sexuality.

 

Then She says I kept saying she didnt learn french fast enough.

 

Also in case my mom needs care, you tried to make me promisse not to go to usas if there was needs."

 

thats her side of things...

[giotto]

I think your age and cultural gap is too wide... you really need counselling... if you want your marriage to last, you need to convince her to talk to a third party...

[Ultimo12]

Is it possible that she sincerely believe any type of sexual activity that is not procreative is a sin?

 

Or she really isn't respecting me?

 

When I asked her about the rytmh method, she said she refused to do it because she would feel used.

 

Right now, I don't want to get her pregnant, but I need sex and she doesn't want sex unless it is procreative, based on the fact otherwize its a sin and that shed feel used.

 

Once again thanks all for taking the time to answer in this thread, your time and attention is very valuable to me.

 

 

One of my big fault was also that she didn't want to have premarital sex, and we ended up doing it after alot of resistance, partly because I was impatient and couldn't hold anymore. That is one things amongst others that I regret, because she specifically didn't want sex many times before mariage, and I kinda pushed her to do it (she had desires for me but wanted to resist).

Edited January 16, 2010 by Ultimo12

[Ultimo12]

I just confronted her exactly about this issue and here is what she said.

 

"If I dont get children, why would you get sex? You get what you want and I don't get what I want? Everyone in this world is selfish, your not supposed to use familly planning BEFORE having children (only after). Why do you bother with me if you didn't want kids?

 

me: I wanted kids when I married you. Now I am scared about them because of how our marriage is.

 

her: you never wanted kids, your a liar. Wev been going at this back and forth since the start.

 

me: honey, i know you dont believe in therapy, but i think we should go.

 

her: why? so i can be told by a lady that I should only have 2 kids in 5 years? Every1 is going around being selfish, no thanks."

 

 

maybe that gives anyone more insight on us?

 

 

 

And yes its true we have a huge cultural and age gap.

[mem11363]

Ultimo,

Accept this simple fact. There are women out there who will actually LIKE you and DESIRE you. Those women will like the idea of recreational sex.

 

This woman - you married dislikes you and does not desire you. She wants to give you 4 kids which means your life will be one of intense financial pressure and scheduling stress and you will NOT get the stress relief associated with a loving/sexual marriage because - she is NOT attracted to you.

 

Being around very angry people is a certain trip to misery. You seem like a nice fellow. You have made an honest mistake. Move on.

 

 

I just confronted her exactly about this issue and here is what she said.

 

"If I dont get children, why would you get sex? You get what you want and I don't get what I want? Everyone in this world is selfish, your not supposed to use familly planning BEFORE having children (only after). Why do you bother with me if you didn't want kids?

 

me: I wanted kids when I married you. Now I am scared about them because of how our marriage is.

 

her: you never wanted kids, your a liar. Wev been going at this back and forth since the start.

 

me: honey, i know you dont believe in therapy, but i think we should go.

 

her: why? so i can be told by a lady that I should only have 2 kids in 5 years? Every1 is going around being selfish, no thanks."

 

 

maybe that gives anyone more insight on us?

 

 

 

And yes its true we have a huge cultural and age gap.

[Ultimo12]

I am sad because even though I know she is abusive and not that much into me, I have been alone for 23 years and I am far from being a sociable person (I currently have no friends and no one I know besides her, my 2 parents and my 2 grandparents).

 

She also says she feels rejected and would like to have sex with me, but only if it was procreative.

That it sucks for her too not having sex.

 

So Im lost, I oriented my questions to see if she had aversion for me, and she says no. She said she didn't respect some sides of me but that overall "she liked me". I dont know what to do... I could close my eyes on it and try to be patient and get the sex I want, with the result of a potential child.. Or I could end it now, tell her to take her things and leave, and find myself alone again.

 

When we made love before mariage she cried massively because she was hurt but also because she thought she would go to purgatory for it. I reconforted her saying that she wouldn't, that if anyone would go its me, that she didn't want to have sex really before mariage.

 

I love her faith but I hate her temper. She refuses to do oral sex too, says it makes her feel like an object.

 

Is there a way we can talk one on one mem via msn or a live chat?

 

Anyone else input on this is also welcome

[Ultimo12]

Also I may add that when we had sex, without protection of any kind, she would give herself to me up to two times a day, and that for months. She rarely declined me.

 

 

I understand she disliked recreational sex but when I confront her on the reasons why I dont want to have sex anymore with her, aka our relationship not being that good, it always end up into fights.

[angie2443]

I am sad because even though I know she is abusive and not that much into me, I have been alone for 23 years and I am far from being a sociable person (I currently have no friends and no one I know besides her, my 2 parents and my 2 grandparents).

 

 

I think this may be part of the problem. Why were you alone for 23 years? Why do you have no friends? If you explained before, I'm sorry I missed it.

[Ultimo12]

To be honest, I don't know why I have been alone for 23 years before her.

 

I have tried to meet people but I played alot of video games (thats actually where I met her).

 

I am a very intelligent person, just as my wife, I have a masters in philosophy and I was going to do a PHD.

 

I had a few friends before but they weren't really friends, they oriented themselves towards drugs and sleeping around and I didn't like that. I don't mind recreational sex, but I like the idea of fidelity.

 

My mother said I was emotionally dependent upon my wife, which is why I was tolerating how it was going.

 

At first I could not stand her going away for a few days, I wanted a fusional relationship. But I am learning to love myself better, which is hard I must admit.

 

She also gave me hope with her faith. The idea that the world isn't meaningless reconforts me.

 

 

Does that help you a bit Angie? We were both virgins when we married.

[angie2443]

Does that help you a bit Angie? We were both virgins when we married.

 

It helps a bit. I'ts good that you're learning to love yourself more. I'm still confused about bieng alone for 23 years, since you are 25. Do you mean you had no friends as a child? I'm trying to understand why you're staying in this relationship, since it sounds abusive to me. Are you very afraid that if you end the relationship you won't find anyone else? Are there some very good qualities about your wife that aren't being mentioned here?

[mem11363]

U12,

She has an incredibly powerful drive to have children. Lots of children. You are clearly a smart guy. And yes it is true you may be lonely for a while but if you put yourself in the right situation you will meet good people.

 

My wife is also a good catholic HOWEVER. Before we married I nicely but firmly told her that her religion would never cause us trouble as long as it NEVER crossed the threshold of our bedroom door. I am not having our sexual practices - including those you mentioned wanting yourself - and our practice of birth control dictated to me. Full stop. There was simply no negotiation on this point with me and in fact I told her BEFORE marriage that after our last child - ended up having 3 - I WOULD get a vasectomy. And that is exactly what I did.

 

I love that my wife has faith - morals - that I have never had to worry about infidelity etc. Still my wife loved and desired me. And post vasectomy our sex life continued to be fantastic. You are used to it - so you can't easily see just how angry/bitter and hostile your wife is.

 

Man to man I will tell you that if you focus your energies on:

- Developing your social skills AND

- Becoming a self confident self sufficient emotionally independent man AND

- Building a good career of some type such that you earn a good living

 

By 30 you will find MANY MANY women wishing to spend time with you. This is just the way of the world and it has been this way from the beginning of time.

 

The social piece requires friends and the right type of friends. Often the kind of people I think you would like can be found in church social groups.

 

But I will tell you this. Once you get this woman pregnant your life will have much less "choice" to it and you may simply get dragged down a very dark corridor. OTHER women will find you much less attractive if a huge percent of your income goes to a super hostile ex wife and child support for 4 kids.

 

Stay celibate for the moment and really think about what your life will be like with this woman.

 

 

 

Also I may add that when we had sex, without protection of any kind, she would give herself to me up to two times a day, and that for months. She rarely declined me.

 

 

I understand she disliked recreational sex but when I confront her on the reasons why I dont want to have sex anymore with her, aka our relationship not being that good, it always end up into fights.

[asireen]

From your posts, it seems quite clear that this is a 100% incompatible marriage. If you continue to stay married to this woman, it is surely going to result in more misery. Get out of this marriage as fast as you can. This is a totally hopeless case.

[Ultimo12]

Small update

 

 

 

I said, we need to talk. She said, I knew it. You're coming after me again.

 

I said, take for instance this morning when I woke you up. You hate to be woke up, but your reaction wasn't nice. You were almost hostile. This is a good example of what I can't tolerate in your behavior.

 

Her: That's it, you said you wouldn't come after me again, and you do it. You constantly complain. You're such a liar. I'm out.

 

*packs her things...*

 

And she actually left.

 

 

10 hour drive from where I am, she left 20 minutes ago.

 

It's the 4th time she leaves like that.

[Ultimo12]

I can't help but being sad at the sight of the objects she left here.