upcoming decision in my life

[lost09]

I'm in need of some solid advice. Any input will be hugely appreciated as I'm going through i big step in my life right now and I need to make a decision. Do I stay or do I go?

 

I'm 25, i've been in a relationship for 5.5 years - my gf is the same age and we've been living together for 2.5 years now

When I was 20 I was more in a mindset of looking for a girl that I would possibly want to marry. Now, 5 years later, I'm not sure what I want. Should I live the life free of responsibilities, travel, meet new people? Or should I settle down, get married and buy a house? My gf wants the the latter, but that just isnt appealing to me whatsoever anymore.

 

The issue now is my gf is looking for an answer. Am I someone who commits and gets married, or do I run away? She'd like to get married more than anything in the world. When I discuss these feelings with her she gets scared and mad, and the conversation doesnt go far before she's crying and won't talk to me.

 

On one hand, if I get married I will feel heavily weighed down and have an unhappy feeling of not living life to my full potential. On the other hand, I will be on my own and possibly never find anyone who will love me as much, as well as being unhappy about how much i have hurt her. It will hurt me seeing how upset she would be, and knowing that I did that to her will feel really heavy for me.

 

In addition to my gf loving me so much, she gets along great with my family - especially my mom.

 

If I were to end this, I don't see myself entering into another long term relationship possibly ever. But as my friends get older, they will move on and get married, and I'll eventually be the single guy that's all by himself - without friends to hang out with i'd get very lonely (do middle age people go out to bars and have fun with friends, or is it all family stuff all the time?).

 

I also fear that I may just be caught up with going out and having fun with friends (i love living in the city). Being in a relationship becomes a real damper on fun - dealing with drama all the time. When we're in a fight about something trivial, I think to myself, if i were single i wouldnt be having to go through this right now. But when I get older and the fun ends because everyone goes off and has a family, will I change my mind and be lonely?? Having lived with my gf for 2.5 years and not having much space to myself, loneliness feels like a foreign concept to me. Will loneliness creep up to me after I've made the decision to leave? I read about so many people on here that just want to be with someone and it makes me thing something is wrong with me.

 

so, i just put it all out there. ending the relationship could be the biggest mistake of my life, or it would save it. How do I know which direction it will lean toward?

Edited December 22, 2009 by lost09

[Desperado77]

Hello lost09, I’m not expert at all, but let me at least attempt some answer, or perhaps pose some more questions for you

 

By credibility, I am a decade+ beyond where you are now (married, house, children – but this is what we both wanted), and was once in similar shoes to you, but I must add, I had zero doubts about what I wanted.

 

1. Is there the long term? You have been together, 5.5yrs – so you do know one another, and it’s not like you’ve just met and she’s demanding a wedding - so it’s not inconsiderate or premature that she wants some answers. Answer this to yourself – can you really, really see a long term in this relationship? Can you picture yourself being an old man? Where are you, what are you doing, and most importantly do you see her there in this scene with you? Are there children, grandchildren? Is there a long lasting deep loving relationship and friendship that will endure the many years ahead of you both?

 

2. What’s the rush? Well, she wants answers, that’s totally fine. If you are not in this for the long run, then she does not want you wasting her time, when she or for that matter you, could be investing your time looking for the right person. She’s not asking you to marry her tomorrow, but wants to know where this ship that you are both on is heading. You have both invested a lot of time in this, so do you want to throw it all away on a whim?

 

3. Get married and buy a house? Well, don’t get married if you are going to resent it, and it’s not what you want to do, it will only eat away at you and you will end up resenting her and it will destroy your relationship. Can you see yourself getting married in the next 2-3 years? If this is totally unthinkable, then you should tell her so sooner rather than later. Otherwise you will only be in the same place in a couple of years and you will have wasted her time. As for the house, well you have to live somewhere, right? Unless you want to move back with your folks, or house share with your buddies. Also in this market, can you even get a mortgage? But seriously, the house thing should not hold you back, unless you are a nomad, or just love renting, at some point you will want your own home.

 

4. Is there someone better? Well is there? Have you met other people in the past 5.5yrs that makes you think you could have done a lot better? And be realistic, everyone comes with their good and bad points. I meet and work with a lot of beautiful women, but none are even close to my wife (and we do fight and annoy each other). You have to look at the whole package, not just one or two things.

 

5. Free of responsibilities and go travelling? Let me make one thing clear, unless you have access to unlimited funds in your bank account, as you get older, even if you are single, your responsibilities (work and social) will become greater not easier. So don’t hold being in a relationship as an excuse that you could otherwise be free of responsibilities. As for travelling, what’s stopping the two of you going travelling together on great adventures? Nothing, right, unless she’s afraid of flying! Would you rather go travelling with your buddies, get drunk and get off with some slag, and end up catching an STD? Even if you don’t catch anything, do you think you are magically going to find your dream woman? Or have you already found her in your gf?

 

6. As for the crying, yes, these are emotionally charged situation for her. So sit down and talk about it. What do you both want? Do you both want a family together, at some point, say in the next 5-7 years? Or does she want kids tomorrow? Do you want a family (not necessarily tomorrow), at some point in the future? Remember, it’s got to be something you both want, and the timings should be roughly the same, otherwise you will be in different places and it could become unworkable.

 

7. You talk about being weighed down and not living life to your full potential. Is your gf holding back your career potential? Is she really stopping you? Or are you stopping you? You talk about all the drama and damper on fun, what is the source of all the drama? How can it be reduced?

 

8. You worry about being on your own. Tough **** buddy, you can’t have it both ways. True, you may never find someone who loves you as much, but do you love her too? Or do you just want to be loved? It’s not the same, you have to really love her, and you’re at the stage now in your relationship where all the early fluttery ‘being in love’ has probably subsided, so you are either now left with a thin veneer of love that has no substance, or you have a deep real love that has a firm foundation and can go the distance? So, which one is it?

 

9. You worry about hurting her and feeling heavy. Well, she will hate you more if you stay with her simply not to upset her, do you really think she just wants that? You stay if you want to stay, do what’s best for both of you, otherwise it is unbalanced.

 

10. She gets on great with your mum and family. That’s wonderful and a bonus, but again, are you happy, or are you just trying to keep everyone else happy? It’s great if your family loves her, but the relationship is between the two of you, so don’t give to much weight to what mama thinks. Let me put it this way, would you rather keep mama happy and be in an unhappy relationship, or be happy in your relationship and mama not so happy? Your mom does not live with you, but your gf does.

 

11.Sex life, how is it? All going good after all this time?

 

12. Going out and having fun with friends. Is your gf not your friend? Don’t you all go out together? If not, why not? You can still go out with your buddies when you are married, and can also take her with you. Let me tell you this, if going out with you buddies means you want to approach other women, then you in your mind, are not ready for long term. If going out with your friends means have a few drinks and laughs, no harm in that, in fact it’s good. But if you have a strong drive to be unfaithful, then you are not ready.

 

 

13. You could end up sad and lonely and your friends move on? Having a family does not mean all the fun ends. It’s the start of a new and different type of fun, a better fun, but you have to want it, otherwise it can be hell. You can still see your friends if they have families too, it does not stop, but it does not happen the same way. Also if you do end up on your own, it’s not the end of the world, you will still have and make you friends, just like a relationship you have to work at it.

 

That’s it from me, as I said, probably more questions than answers, but you need to these matters. I hope this helps.

[luvstarved]

Gee I think you really answered your own question when you said that married and settling down does not interest you "whatsoever anymore". That seems pretty dang clear to me.

 

You do see a lot of people on here just wanting someone. Don't forget a couple of things, though. First of all, many, maybe even the majority are older than you, sometimes twice as old (like me!). They've had their chance at misspent youth and are beyond it, as you probably will be some day.

 

Second, people who are out there living the life and enjoying it all AREN'T COMING ON HERE!!! Why would they?

 

You've been with her a long time. I understand her feelings, that's who she is and where she's at and nothing "wrong" with either of you outside of not being in the same life place and mindset.

 

Yes it is taking a risk to give up what you have and chance not getting it again. But, again a few things. One, you are very young from my decrepit perspective...this is nowhere near the end of the line. Two, you have already been with her a long time and lived a bit of a marriage in some ways...you haven't had the chance to explore and be certain, and I suspect that if you just marry her, you will carry these desires into your marriage and eventually resent her for it. OF COURSE, she will be very hurt, maybe devastated if you choose a path without her, but much better to do that now than after you have committed and further led her on and possibly added children to the equation.

 

She has a right to want to get married. You have a right to not want that, or at least not now. But it isn't right and won't work in the long run to hang on to spare her feelings or to hedge your bets...

 

It is also telling that when you talk about these adventures you'd like to have, you do make it sound like that with her, they would be impossible. One of my first thoughts when reading this was, well, why can't you do those things together? It seems pretty clear to me that you want out, the only problem is that you want to feel good about it...does that ring true?

[jmargel]

I'm in need of some solid advice. Any input will be hugely appreciated as I'm going through i big step in my life right now and I need to make a decision. Do I stay or do I go?

 

I'm 25, i've been in a relationship for 5.5 years - my gf is the same age and we've been living together for 2.5 years now

When I was 20 I was more in a mindset of looking for a girl that I would possibly want to marry. Now, 5 years later, I'm not sure what I want. Should I live the life free of responsibilities, travel, meet new people? Or should I settle down, get married and buy a house? My gf wants the the latter, but that just isnt appealing to me whatsoever anymore.

 

The issue now is my gf is looking for an answer. Am I someone who commits and gets married, or do I run away? She'd like to get married more than anything in the world. When I discuss these feelings with her she gets scared and mad, and the conversation doesnt go far before she's crying and won't talk to me.

 

On one hand, if I get married I will feel heavily weighed down and have an unhappy feeling of not living life to my full potential. On the other hand, I will be on my own and possibly never find anyone who will love me as much, as well as being unhappy about how much i have hurt her. It will hurt me seeing how upset she would be, and knowing that I did that to her will feel really heavy for me.

 

In addition to my gf loving me so much, she gets along great with my family - especially my mom.

 

If I were to end this, I don't see myself entering into another long term relationship possibly ever. But as my friends get older, they will move on and get married, and I'll eventually be the single guy that's all by himself - without friends to hang out with i'd get very lonely (do middle age people go out to bars and have fun with friends, or is it all family stuff all the time?).

 

I also fear that I may just be caught up with going out and having fun with friends (i love living in the city). Being in a relationship becomes a real damper on fun - dealing with drama all the time. When we're in a fight about something trivial, I think to myself, if i were single i wouldnt be having to go through this right now. But when I get older and the fun ends because everyone goes off and has a family, will I change my mind and be lonely?? Having lived with my gf for 2.5 years and not having much space to myself, loneliness feels like a foreign concept to me. Will loneliness creep up to me after I've made the decision to leave? I read about so many people on here that just want to be with someone and it makes me thing something is wrong with me.

 

so, i just put it all out there. ending the relationship could be the biggest mistake of my life, or it would save it. How do I know which direction it will lean toward?

 

Question is, can you live without your gf? Can you live with the fact that if you end it with her, she will find someone else to love, marry and have children with? This is something that you will have the rest of your life.

 

Honestly 25 is too young to get married, that doesn't mean she's the wrong girl. It's not necessarily you needing to 'venture' out, just your internal instincts telling you that you are not quite yet mature enough for it. Trust me, things will change alot in 5 years and during that time you may feel the total opposite of what you are feeling now.

 

Don't scare your gf, otherwise she will start distancing herself from you, it's a defense mechanism. Right now it seems like she is at a higher stage of commitment in regards to marriage, kids, home, etc.. as you are. Thing is, at your age it's very rare that both people are at this same stage.

 

Enjoy life together, don't set a deadline about when you 'need' to get married. Be encouraging that you will want to do it someday but right now you know you are not quite yet matured enough.

 

Let her know that you want her to have the best possible of 'you' when you two get married.