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after 20+ years she wants a divorce??


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I found this forum through a search and thought it might help me cope.

 

I have been married to my wife for over 20 years and last night she put a note on my pillow telling me that she had some unpeasant things that she wanted to talk to me about. What struck me as odd was that I was awake and in another room yet she never bothered to come in.

 

Im 47 and she is 52. Neither of us are really attractive but I still love her and find her attractive in my eyes.

 

When I asked her what was up she dropped a bomb on me and told me she did not love me anymore and has not loved me for quite some time and I should have noticed this. She then asked me for divorce.

 

I could not sleep at all and stayed up the entire night in agony. She refuses to talk about it and tells me her dicision is final.

 

First thing I did was call our only Son, he is 20. He came over and tried to talk to her and she gave him the same nonsense. She said it with a blank look on her face and with little to no emotion. It's like she was possesed by something. I was devestated.

 

Financially we are OK. Our home is paid for and we were both working towards retirement 2-5 years. Now this is all gone as we will have to both work for the rest of our lives with maybe no retirement in either of our future.

 

I asked her if she was cheating on me and she said no. This just defies logic for me. We argue sometimes but I have never laid a hand on her. I don't know what to make of it.

 

I have made a few obersvations below which may have something to do with it.

 

She stoped sleeping in our bed when my Son moved out two years ago. She took his old room. Her excuse: I snore.

 

She is taking medication for an anyurism so I wonder if this may affect her.

 

Her father passed away a few months ago so this may have something to do with it.

 

We did recently come back from our own 2 week vacation and I thought we had a good time together. Im stumped where this is coming from. We did have an argument the night before because I went to sleep with her in her bed and woke her up. This really made her mad and me as well. She basically kicked me out of her bed.

 

For the longest time I noticed that she never says I love you unless I say it first. She also no longer likes sex I guess as I always initiate it and she doesnt. We have sex maybe once a month if lucky. She tells me she has no interest in sex. It's almost like I have to beg for it to get it.

 

I just do not know what to do. She woke up this morning and went to work like nothing was the matter. I gave her a letter to try to iron things out and she reluctantly took it with her. Tomorrow I go to work and won't really see her until four days from now. Not sure how Im going to cope at work.

 

This is hard because I work nights and she works days. I also work Sat and Sun when she is off so we rarely see each other.

 

Im just a mess now and do not know what to do. It is still sinking in. How long will this pain last? Any advise or suggestions would be appreciated.

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Something else I forgot to mention is that recently she has gotten into facebook.

 

All of a sudden she wants me to show her how to password protect her PC, her email and other stuff.

 

I helped her with it as I respect my Wife's privacy.

 

Now I am wondering if this is too much of a coincidence. I have no evidence of anything and I trust my wife. But now I have to beleive that anything is possible.

 

And her not talking to me is absolute torture. This feels exacly like when I lost my father. Can't stand the pain.

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GorillaTheater

I'm very sorry, g. I'm the same age as you and have been married about the same length of time.

 

This may have already occurred to you, but I suggest researching mid-life crises (often abbreviated to "MLC"). If this is the situation you're dealing with, you're in for a rough ride. Little you say or do will get through to her; she's in a serious fog where it's all about her, whether or not she's having an affair (though the Facebook thing leaves that as a possibility). Will the fog ever lift? Your guess is as good as mine.

 

Strap in, pal, and let me give you some lawyerly advice: protect yourself. Talk to a lawyer, whether or not you see divorce as an option, to get information. Information is power. Separate your finances and cancel joint credit cards. You may trust your wife, but this person, whether it's MLC, an affair, or both, is not the person you married. Aliens have taken her over indefinitely, so you have no idea what she's capable of. And a little dose of reality MAY cut through the fog a little.

 

And for your sake, detach. Take care of yourself: exercise (endorphins can be a Godsend), eat, sleep and get meds for depression if that is or becomes an issue. And let her take care of herself. That may sound counterintuitive if you want your marriage, but begging and pleading and smothering will only drive her further away.

 

Good luck, brother, and keep posting.

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BIG hugs, g.

Yes, she is no doubt still very much grieving for her father. His death, however, may have hit it home with her that "life is too short" to live it in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship.

 

If her medication is new, or dosage was recently changed, then there could be some side-effects but...well, it kind of doesn't feel as if that's what is going on for her, does it? In any case, ease your own mind about this one, and do some research - ask your doctor or check mayoclinic.com or wikipedia.

 

It sounds, really, that your wife left it too late to address whatever were the serious problems and issues in your marriage. She let it get to the point where she is just done, and has no desire/inspiration to try to work through it. (And you saw some of the signs, and you ignored them too, yes?)

 

But. I would suggest for you to make an appointment with a marriage counselor, then tell your wife the day, time and place, and say that she is more than welcome to join you. And go with or without her.

 

You could also check marriagebuilders.com - maybe even print-out the "emotional needs" questionnaire (and related-explanatory articles) and leave it on her pillow.

 

It is also that your wife is hurting, confused, scared, etc. If you can find a way to empathize with her...well, the feelings that empathy help to engender could be part of what she has been missing from you / in her marriage.

 

Unfortunately though, to me it does not sound promising...but I'd still hold onto hope that maybe counseling will help. It ain't over 'til it's over.

I'm sorry that you're going through it.

Edited by Ronni_W
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Is the 20 yr old your only child or your youngest child?

 

If so she might have wanted out for quite some time but chose to wait till the kids were grown.

 

Look on the bright side, physically attractive or not, a fully employed 47 yr old man with no small children and no alimony or child support payments to make has many, many options in the single's world. By this time next year you could be banging a smokingly hot 35 yr old. So give her share of things, smile and say "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya" and wave good bye.

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Look on the bright side, physically attractive or not, a fully employed 47 yr old man with no small children and no alimony or child support payments to make has many, many options in the single's world. By this time next year you could be banging a smokingly hot 35 yr old. So give her share of things, smile and say "see ya, wouldn't want to be ya" and wave good bye.

 

I would not be so sure on the no alimony part, if they were married for twenty years and she was not employed she will get alimony big time. Good luck with your situation I was also divorced after 20 years, sometimes people change or grow a part.

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I would not be so sure on the no alimony part, if they were married for twenty years and she was not employed she will get alimony big time. Good luck with your situation I was also divorced after 20 years, sometimes people change or grow a part.

 

He said that they now will both have to work for the rest of their lives so I'm assuming she's employed. Personally I think he's in the catbird seat as post divorce social prospects are a LOT better for a 47 yr old man unencumbered with small child and child support payments then they are for a 52 yr old woman.

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LucreziaBorgia

She likely found an old flame on FB and is trying to recapture some of her youth by rekindling something long gone. Hate to say it, but it happens all the time, particularly with FB. I have a personal friend on there who dumped his wife and is now dating his old high school girlfriend because of a FB connection.

 

she wants me to show her how to password protect her PC, her email and other stuff

 

This isn't privacy. It is secrecy. Big difference. When a spouse starts doing this, it is because they are have something to hide.

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Thank you all for the info and support.

 

The only family that know about this right now are my Son and my Mom. Talking to people about it is the only think helping me keep my sanity right now.

 

We only had one child and he moved out about 2-3 years ago but lives in town. We spent the better part of today just supporting each other.

 

I am waiting for her to come home right now to see if she wants to talk about it. Wish me luck.

 

As far as her meds go , they are the same AFAIK. And as far as her father was concerned, the entire family barely shed a tear. I think I shed more than they did and I hardly knew him but he was a nice guy. Im just a softy on the inside that seems rough on the outside. Thats how I am.

 

One thing that I just remembered is that about 4 months ago she made the suggestion that we get divorced so she could collect her late husband's military retirement money. She said this with a smile on her face. I just now realized that if I did divorce her, his retirement check would essentially replace my bring home pay so she would be alright whereas I would be strugling financially in a divorce most likely.

 

I explained to her back then that if she did this we could not get each others retirment checks if one of us should die and we needed both checks to survive retirement. I never once thought that she could have been setting herself up a safety net. So yes I guess I was blind. That's what love is sometimes. I am a fool.:( She was planning on retiring in 2yrs and me in 3-5yrs. Now she tells me that she would rather just keep working and leave me.

 

One question, what if I refuse a divorce based on the fact that I think she has lost her sanity and needs my help. Can she get one anyway withought my signature?

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I was exactly where your wife is.. about 13 years ago.. with my first ex.. after 18 years living together ...

 

From what I read.. she simply doesn't love you anymore.. I know it's not easy for you.. but you'll survive... There is not much you can do about it..

 

She might, as LB said.. found someone on FB.. I don't know.. I'm not familiar with FB..

 

Take care of yourself... get ready for a divorce.. it won't get any better.

 

I doubt it's the medication, the mid-life crisis.. etc... it's life.. simply. :o

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One question, what if I refuse a divorce based on the fact that I think she has lost her sanity and needs my help. Can she get one anyway withought my signature?

 

I don't know where you live.. but here in Canada.. you don't need anyone's permission to divorce.. why would you want to live with someone who can't stand you? :o

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One question, what if I refuse a divorce based on the fact that I think she has lost her sanity and needs my help. Can she get one anyway withought my signature?

 

I don't know where you live.. but here in Canada.. you don't need anyone's permission to divorce.. why would you want to live with someone who can't stand you? :o

 

Because he won't be able to afford to retire in the next 5 yrs on his own retirement funds, he needs her there to kick in her retirement checks to stay afloat.

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Thank you all for the info and support.

 

The only family that know about this right now are my Son and my Mom. Talking to people about it is the only think helping me keep my sanity right now.

 

We only had one child and he moved out about 2-3 years ago but lives in town. We spent the better part of today just supporting each other.

 

I am waiting for her to come home right now to see if she wants to talk about it. Wish me luck.

 

As far as her meds go , they are the same AFAIK. And as far as her father was concerned, the entire family barely shed a tear. I think I shed more than they did and I hardly knew him but he was a nice guy. Im just a softy on the inside that seems rough on the outside. Thats how I am.

 

One thing that I just remembered is that about 4 months ago she made the suggestion that we get divorced so she could collect her late husband's military retirement money. She said this with a smile on her face. I just now realized that if I did divorce her, his retirement check would essentially replace my bring home pay so she would be alright whereas I would be strugling financially in a divorce most likely.

 

I explained to her back then that if she did this we could not get each others retirment checks if one of us should die and we needed both checks to survive retirement. I never once thought that she could have been setting herself up a safety net. So yes I guess I was blind. That's what love is sometimes. I am a fool.:( She was planning on retiring in 2yrs and me in 3-5yrs. Now she tells me that she would rather just keep working and leave me.

 

One question, what if I refuse a divorce based on the fact that I think she has lost her sanity and needs my help. Can she get one anyway withought my signature?

 

 

 

When somebody tells you they'd rather work for the rest of their lives than stay married to you, I'm sorry but I think it's over.

 

I think a lot of times what happens is that when suddenly retirement is looming straight ahead, it magnifies

any unhappiness a person might be feeling and the thought of having all sorts of extra time to spend with a spouse

you're no longer happy with doesn't look like the golden years you'd hoped for but more like a nitemare.

 

You're both fully employed, no dependent children, no alimony, no child support, you split your assets and move on.

Edited by soserious1
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One question, what if I refuse a divorce based on the fact that I think she has lost her sanity and needs my help. Can she get one anyway withought my signature?

 

I don't know where you live.. but here in Canada.. you don't need anyone's permission to divorce.. why would you want to live with someone who can't stand you? :o

 

I live in Texas so I didn't know. But what you said makes perfect sense.

 

Right now I feel ill most of the time. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I have fever and Im stressed for 24hrs now. My stomach hurts. Not sure if this is because I may be ill or if the stress is working on me.

 

When she gets here I am asking that she give me one year before divorcing me so I can change her mind or let her have a change of heart. If she wants to separate then I am willing to work with her on that. Maybe once she does this she will get a dose of reality.

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I live in Texas so I didn't know. But what you said makes perfect sense.

 

Right now I feel ill most of the time. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I have fever and Im stressed for 24hrs now. My stomach hurts. Not sure if this is because I may be ill or if the stress is working on me.

 

When she gets here I am asking that she give me one year before divorcing me so I can change her mind or let her have a change of heart. If she wants to separate then I am willing to work with her on that. Maybe once she does this she will get a dose of reality.

 

Why? she isn't interested in being with you anymore, your child is grown and on his own. She doesn't want to spend her retirement years with you, she'd rather work for the rest of her life than be stuck staying married to you, just

split the assets and move on, you're young enough to start over with somebody new.

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Why? she isn't interested in being with you anymore, your child is grown and on his own. She doesn't want to spend her retirement years with you, she'd rather work for the rest of her life than be stuck staying married to you, just

split the assets and move on, you're young enough to start over with somebody new.

 

Because me and my Son both think she is not in her right state of mind.

 

Had you seen her cold expression you would undersand. I see something wrong here. There more too it than just her not being in love with me.

 

But you could be right. It may be hard for me to face the ugly truth.

 

I could deal with her not loving me but why separate to make it hard for both of us. It makes no sense. We could live as friends at least and support each other. I could live with that.

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Because me and my Son both think she is not in her right state of mind.

 

Had you seen her cold expression you would undersand. I see something wrong here. There more too it than just her not being in love with me.

 

But you could be right. It may be hard for me to face the ugly truth.

 

A lot of people come to understand that they are no longer happy in their marriages but stay till the kids have grown.

Your son will most likely be 21 when your divorce is final, she probably has just decided that it's time now to end the marriage while you both are still relatively young enough to start over.

 

Btw, you are only 47, plenty of time to regroup and recoup assets if you invest wisely, you might not retire in 5 yrs but even if you work another 10, you'll still retire earlier than many people.

 

oh and "live as friends and support each other" ie: she'll stay and pony up her retirement check so you can retire at 52?

 

 

somehow, I don't think she's lost her mind at all and I think I can see a reason for the cold expression on her face.

Edited by soserious1
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A lot of people come to understand that they are no longer happy in their marriages but stay till the kids have grown.

Your son will most likely be 21 when your divorce is final, she probably has just decided that it's time now to end the marriage while you both are still relatively young enough to start over.

 

Btw, you are only 47, plenty of time to regroup and recoup assets if you invest wisely, you might not retire in 5 yrs but even if you work another 10, you'll still retire earlier than many people.

 

oh and "live as friends and support each other" ie: she'll stay and pony up her retirement check so you can retire at 52?

 

 

somehow, I don't think she's lost her mind at all.

 

You don't understand, she gets my retirement check as well. We were each others safety net. That is now gone if she goes through with it. We both lose.

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You don't understand, she gets my retirement check as well. We were each others safety net. That is now gone if she goes through with it.

 

If you divorce you will each get to keep your respective retirement accounts and you will split proceeds from the house and any mutually held investments.

 

She's told you she doesn't want rights to your retirement check, that she'd rather keep working then spend her retirement years married to you.

 

You're only 47 yrs old, you'll come out of this fully employed, with half the marital assets and keeping your own retirement account, you will have plenty with which to rebuild your life and ample time to do it in.

 

Btw, if you have to sit there calculating how much you'll get from her retirement funds if she dies, you haven't got enough investments to

even begin contemplating retiring at age 52.

Edited by soserious1
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Then I have some good news for you: no alimony.

 

she's fully employed so that wouldn't be an issue anyway. The OP's biggest worry appears to be that if he loses her retirement check "safety net" that he won't be able to retire at age 52.

Edited by soserious1
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GorillaTheater
she's fully employed so that wouldn't be an issue anyway. The OP's biggest worry appears to be that if he loses her retirement check "safety net" that he won't be able to retire at age 52.

 

g, if that's true, c'mon man. Is that worth fretting over?

 

I'm 47, and my youngest is 3. I'll be lucky to live long enough to retire.

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Had you seen her cold expression you would understand

 

That's who she is right now. There are no predictors of the future. Accept her as she is and make a decision. :)

 

My stbx has been cold like an undertaker, even more so than when we were together. The positive side is that there's no drama...

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Well I just talked to her and we set it all out.

 

There is no going back for her and she plans to move out. She did at least say she would consider giving me 6 months before we finalize a non-contested divorce. Im probably just fooling myself and prolonging our suffering but it's something I feel I have to at least try.

 

She still insists that nobody is influencing her and that she made this decision years ago. I am starting to beleive that now. I just wish she would have done it sooner.

 

She wants me to keep the House so I can leave it to my Son after Im gone. This was my #1 concern so I feel more secure now. She is taking her sports car and leaving me the jeep and the PU truck. I told her I only needed one vehicle so that's still an option if she wants it.

 

I told her we could split our savings and checking and that leaves us both $6000. Not much of a security blanket but it will do for now (I hope).

 

Something that struck me as odd was the fact that I told her she could take all the family photos but I wanted to share them from time to time. She told me to keep them all. This sent a shiver up my spine because most of the family pictures are of her and my Son. Why would she do that?

 

I guess Im now at the stage where I have accepted it. Next comes the hard part. She leaves and I am alone again. Something that I have technically never really had to deal with in my life.

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