flsurfkarma Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 As the title implies I am not to happy right now. I am going to try my best to break down my situation and see what suggestions you guys give me. Up until 4 months ago I had no problem trusting my wife. I never suspected that she would cheat on me, I never worried about it ! I checked the phone bill... in 2 or 3 days she had racked up 300 text messages to some guy from work. When I asked her about it she stated it was just Adam. I asked if I could see the text messages. They were all erased. I asked her what they said and she told me, however she left out anything that would have been incriminating. I asked her to stop talking to the guy and I thought it was wrong. She refused. This has been the source of a lot of arguments. She finally stopped talking to him mostly because she went to different shift. She recently started playing poker on facebook. I noticed again she was talking to some guy every day constantly. I asked her about it again and she said that he plays poker with her. I have been remotely logging in to her computer and seeing whats going on occasionally. There are times she tells me that she has to go but yet keeps talking with this guy for hours. Last night she was at work. I had talked to her earlier and she said they were getting busy. So I thought hey why dont I log in and see whats going on... and again she was talking to the same guy. When asked about it she cleared the chat that had been going on from 8:45PM to 11:30PM. She said that I need to trust her. I dont know if i can. I told her she has a problem and she refuses to see it as such. She hasn't cheated on me, however her last relationship she did cheat. We have been married for almost 5 years. She never makes friends with Women only Men. I don't know what to do! PLEASE HELP. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 If I were in your shoes.. I would simply give her an ultimatum... if she doesn't stop.. that means.. she doesn't respect you and doesn't give a 'hoot' whether you leave or not.. To be honest with you.. I don't think she cares what YOU think.. I have a feeling she knows she can do whatever she wants.. and you'll just tell her to stop..without taking any actions.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flsurfkarma Posted November 15, 2009 Author Share Posted November 15, 2009 I cheated on her when we were dating. She knows that. I never want to hurt her like I did when I did that. When I try to bring this stuff up she says I am being to sensitive. When I try to talk to her about what is going on she usually says that she doesn't have time for this. Or leaves the room. She is always being short with me when I am trying to talk to her about saving our marriage. Today I tried talking to her and she basically said when the tables are turned and she has cheated on me then come talk to her. Its like everything is always turning into an argument when it comes to her and talking to these men. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 She's cheating. I can see that in what you are posting. Mostly by her behavior toward you when you try to talk to her about it. Honestly, as long as she can get away with doing it with no real consequences, she will continue doing it. The only way to shake someone's head out of their cheating ass in a situation like this is to make it perfectly clear that it comes with very real consequences. She isn't going to work on your marriage unless it is being torn away from her forcibly and she wants to keep it. I'd be on the horn with a lawyer tomorrow morning, and get some advice about divorce and what infidelity means in terms of divorce in your state. I'd even go so far as to have papers drawn up (even if you buy one of those 'do it yourself' divorce kits and fill it out) and then sit her down, put it in front of her. Let her know that the marriage isn't big enough for the three of you, so she will need to sign the papers and you will give her two weeks to find a place of her own. When two weeks are up, let her know that if she is still in the house, she can pick her stuff up on the front lawn as you plan to have the locks changed. Let her know you are done, and that you have no love for a woman who is not invested in her marriage. Keeping the marriage means giving up OM, and going to counseling to work out the underlying hostilities behind the cheating between you two. BOOM The sh*t will hit the fan, but if she wants the marriage she will know that the only way to keep it is to give up OM forever, and work to keep things. If she refuses, then throw her out so hard her teeth rattle, and make sure you aim dead center for the OM. She will land in his lap, and the reality of it will hit them both and then you can go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneInVegas Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 Yep, she's definitely cheating, if not a PA, it is most definitely an EA. Lots of women keep their current relationships until they can figure out a way to be able to leave comfortably, i.e., have another relationship primed and ready for them to walk straight into. (I honestly think my fiance is doing this with me right now) So yeah, you need a hard core ultimatum, stick to your guns, and even if it HURTS LIKE HELL you need to carry through with your threats if she refuses to take your relationship seriously. It's either that, or be prepared to be treated like crap until the day she leaves you behind anyway. Call the shots yourself, you'll feel much better about yourself in the end if you do. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 buddy, you need to grow a pair. she's laughing in your face and all you're doing is"ok honey" and walk away with your tail between your legs. there's no reason for her to respect you(sorry). so reach down grab a set and tell her the ***** ends or your gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flsurfkarma Posted November 16, 2009 Author Share Posted November 16, 2009 funny Mark thats exactly what I did this evening. Her **** is in garbage bags in the front yard. I basically said if your going to keep this **** up I don't want to be with you... We'll see how it all works out. Either way I could care less now. I tried to make things work. I can only do so much. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 that's great news! but you can't knuckle down at the first site of her tears. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 She's already cheating. You know it, face up to it. You need to give her the ultimatum. Stop this. It is distracting from our marriage, it is wrong, and it is disrespectful to me and my wishes. Dude, why do you think she care more about conversating with the OM, then honoring your wishes? Tell her it stops, or she can move out and D her. Then she can carry on as she pleases, and you can find someone who will love and respect you. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 funny Mark thats exactly what I did this evening. Her **** is in garbage bags in the front yard. I basically said if your going to keep this **** up I don't want to be with you... We'll see how it all works out. Either way I could care less now. I tried to make things work. I can only do so much. Sorry, didn't see this. Don't know if I like the extremism, but you're in the ballpark. No doubt you now have her attention. Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 yes keep us poted, you got a serious case of big ones:cool: Link to post Share on other sites
Author flsurfkarma Posted November 17, 2009 Author Share Posted November 17, 2009 Update: She has agreed to drop any and all communication. I basically told her if I even think remotely that she is still talking to men behind my back we are done. When she came back in last night I had divorce papers from an Attorney friend on the counter. Her clothes were packed in trash bags... I think this worked. I dont think I can trust her yet though. Even though she is saying that I need to. I told her that trust is out the window with her until she shows me that she is dedicated to our family and marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Don't take anything for granted. She needs to be transparent to regain your trust. Tell her that. In order for your trust to be regained, she needs to do the following: 1. Absolutely NC whatsover, with any of the men you mentioned before 2. Give you total access to her cellphone, email, computers, all of it. FB, Myspace, done, closed 3. MC and IC. MC is a must There are no exceptions. She either complies or your done. I feel she's come back hoping to cool things for awhile, the go underground. Even if she agrees to transparency, you need to "snoop" to double check she's complying. Detailed billing on cellphones, keylogger on computers, etc. You need to be strong and insist. You've done great so far. Keep us updated. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 i think the only reason she agreed to go nc with the other guy is you caught her off gaurd. she don't have her ducks all lined up. your probable gonna have to play detective for awhile. if she won't give you total access to everything there's something still fishy. Link to post Share on other sites
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