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Can a marriage survive?


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whattodonow12

Can a marriage ultimately survive if there is no passion or no chemistry between the partners? You thought the other things would make up for it, but over the years you have learned to live with mediocrity. :(

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Of course it can. There are many millions of such unions.

 

The better question is, why be satisfied with a marriage in name only? Why not shake things up?

 

Try clog dancing and anal sex. Download some manga, clear the bubbles, and write your own dialogue. Go to the redneck Olympics and the Opera in the same week. Climb a mountain together. Do something, ANYTHING for God's sake!

 

Better death than a living death. Like Captain Planet taught us, "The Power Is Yours!"

Edited by Skump
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Was there ever chemistry between you two? Did you have passion at the beginning? If so, I can't think of why it cannot be revived. There are so many books on the topic. Just google your question and you will see so many books about how to get the passion going. You have to find the root cause. In the book "Mating in Captivity" the author argues that for desire to flow, there needs to be some space between the partners. Often, married couples become so close to one another and their lives so intertwind that there is no space, no mistery, and no individualism, and that kills passion. How can you desire the other person, if you have basically become one? If this is your case, start doing things on your own and ask your partner to do the same. Spend less time together. Start your own individual projects. Start working on yourself and your own happiness and ask your partner to do the same thing. IMO, you both have to start appearing misterious, different, unknown, and exciting to each other. That is what creates passion. Ofcourse, every marriage is different. So, you have to figure out what attracted you two to one another in the first place and start to recreate that.

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I thought so, but I was kidding myself. Now that I am outside of it, I see what I was missing and how deadened I felt.

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Was there ever chemistry between you two? Did you have passion at the beginning? If so, I can't think of why it cannot be revived. There are so many books on the topic. Just google your question and you will see so many books about how to get the passion going. You have to find the root cause. In the book "Mating in Captivity" the author argues that for desire to flow, there needs to be some space between the partners. Often, married couples become so close to one another and their lives so intertwind that there is no space, no mistery, and no individualism, and that kills passion. How can you desire the other person, if you have basically become one? If this is your case, start doing things on your own and ask your partner to do the same. Spend less time together. Start your own individual projects. Start working on yourself and your own happiness and ask your partner to do the same thing. IMO, you both have to start appearing misterious, different, unknown, and exciting to each other. That is what creates passion. Ofcourse, every marriage is different. So, you have to figure out what attracted you two to one another in the first place and start to recreate that.

 

That's what I was thinking. If you had an attraction once, you can have it again. Whatever made you attracted to the person in the first place is probably still there, but life causes many distractions.

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NowhereToHide

I looked at this thread a few times and didn't respond because I wanted to think about it.

 

I think the two things you are talking about are different: passion and chemistry.

 

Chemistry I think is the easier of the two to define. It's attraction, it's "liking" the other person, it's feeling a connection. You just feel good with the person (and it can be intellectual chemistry or sexual chemistry in my opinion). This is something you either have with someone or you don't.

 

Passion, on the other hand, is harder to define. In some relationships, I think passion can be there, but it takes a concerted effort. For others, it's just there and it can be powerful stuff (and passion can be both good AND bad passion).

 

If you don't have chemistry, I think you're screwed. For me personally, I would really struggle to be around someone that I didn't have that with.

 

If you don't have passion, I think you need to evaluate whether or not it's something that you can create.... being more spontaneous, being more attentive, working harder to please the other person can create it short-term. To sustain it (if it's not there naturally), I think you need both people to want to work at it.

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I looked at this thread a few times and didn't respond because I wanted to think about it.

 

I think the two things you are talking about are different: passion and chemistry.

 

Chemistry I think is the easier of the two to define. It's attraction, it's "liking" the other person, it's feeling a connection. You just feel good with the person (and it can be intellectual chemistry or sexual chemistry in my opinion). This is something you either have with someone or you don't.

 

Passion, on the other hand, is harder to define. In some relationships, I think passion can be there, but it takes a concerted effort. For others, it's just there and it can be powerful stuff (and passion can be both good AND bad passion).

 

If you don't have chemistry, I think you're screwed. For me personally, I would really struggle to be around someone that I didn't have that with.

 

If you don't have passion, I think you need to evaluate whether or not it's something that you can create.... being more spontaneous, being more attentive, working harder to please the other person can create it short-term. To sustain it (if it's not there naturally), I think you need both people to want to work at it.

 

Very well said. I agree with your separation of the terms and their meaning.

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If one wants it and the other doesnt, thats trouble.

 

any type of relationship can work as long as you both want the same thing and neither of you are going without anything you need.

 

so i would say theoretically 'yes' but not in your case.:(

 

hopefully it is something that can be improved for your marriage.

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Toodamnpragmatic

Why do you feel this way? What has brought you to this realization. Is this true for the two of you or just your feeling? Did you have passion at first? Why are you married if that is the case?

 

I read this over and over and wonder why people say this or what their part is in this passionless marriage.

 

How about some detail and then maybe you'll see some answers....

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Can a marriage ultimately survive if there is no passion or no chemistry between the partners? You thought the other things would make up for it, but over the years you have learned to live with mediocrity. :(

 

Of course.. millions have.. no passion.. that's quite common and inevitable after a number of years.. kinda normal..

 

but no chemistry.. I don't see how that could be done.. you need 'chemistry' to become a couple in the first place..

 

Couples become 'roomates' with benefits (RWB) after the passion is gone.. some have more benefits than others.. that's all.. :laugh:

 

But like you said.. if the other things don't make up for the loss of passion.. then it's not good.. it's almost unbearable.. :o

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It is hard to help someone with so little detail.

 

Can a marriage ultimately survive if there is no passion or no chemistry between the partners? You thought the other things would make up for it, but over the years you have learned to live with mediocrity. :(
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  • 2 weeks later...
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whattodonow12

I am sorry. I sort of lost track of this thread while I was out of town for work.

 

More details:

 

I love my husband, but I feel as if it is the love that I have for a friend or my brother. In the beginning, we had passion (and not sure if we had the right chemistry or not) but we did get along well and cared deeply for one another. However, after being married for 18 years, things have dwindled. He became very emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. I have felt as if I were constantly walking on eggshells.. gauging how I was going to feel on a particular day based upon how he felt. It was pathetic that I put up with it for so long. And, I feel that years of this has basically killed any love and any passion that I may have ever had for him.

 

He finally is trying somewhat to get help. I cannot fully gauge everything he is doing since I made him leave the house. But, he continually begs to come back and for me to give him another chance. I just wonder even if I get past all of the moodiness, indifference, and the abuse if it is even possible to get ANY feelings back for him. I felt all of this leave the marriage pretty quickly and I think I just learned to live with just accepting that is how it was.....

 

I asked my question in more general terms out of curiosity, but I hope you all understand what I mean. Thanks for providing some insight.

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SimplyBeingLoved

Hmmm I posted a very similar question just a few days ago. I got some interesting replies, but very few have really answered my question yet.

 

I've heard it said that "if there was chemistry/passion there in the first place, then it can be revived." I tend to agree with that, but there's a big question that follows.

 

It's really hard for me to distinguish the excitement of finally having met someone compatible, and the excitement of moving in together and planning a marriage, from the actual passion/chemistry of the relationship itself. I went for a long period of time, through school and in my 20s not having any significant romantic relationships. So when I finally DID meet my current husband, I was sooo happy to have finally met someone special. So happy to finally "have someone." I am not sure but I wonder if that filled in for a lot of the "passion/chemistry" in the beginning. Yes we were compatible and still are, but like you, he feels like a friend or a brother, not a husband or a lover.

 

Interestingly enough, I too went through a long period of time feeling like I was walking on eggshells around my husband. Finally I very recently admitted in counseling that his moodiness (often caused by excessive alcohol intake, combined with stress) was causing me to withdraw. In the last few weeks he's been a lot better. Still, all those years of moodiness (no physical abuse, but random angry outbursts, sullenness, and significant avoidant behavior) have taken their toll. I am not sure of the outcome.

Edited by SimplyBeingLoved
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Maybe the reason you've gotten more looks than answers is that it's a bit hard to know what the problem is. You say there' s no chemistry. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? "Chemistry" is one of those words people throw around without ever really defining. One thing I can say with certainty: things like "passion" and "chemistry" are not what holds any marriage together.

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One thing I can say with certainty: things like "passion" and "chemistry" are not what holds any marriage together.

 

No, but if they're present, it's a lot easier to do the hard work necessary to keep a marriage together. If you're just not "feeling it" with your partner, it's hard to see what the point is of making all that effort.

 

Of course, many long-term marriages are motivated by other things besides passion and chemistry. Usually it's about the money, and the family, and the social standing. They want to preserve what they've got, because it's a good thing. They'll sacrifice their own passion and chemistry for it. Or, they'll cheat so they can have it all.

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Or they stay when there is no passion and chemistry so that they do not hurt everyone around them, some cannot stand the thought of all that stress - maybe just like if you were stuck in some dead end job for years, too scared to do anything to get out. When I think of people that have been married for 30 years - I just cannot believe that it is always love and chemistry, but something that is just comfortable mostly, or a habit. But it is likely that they have never experienced anything different.

I would just add 'can a marriage survive' it is like do you really live or do you just exist

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Passion and chemistry--whatever the heck they are--are all well and good. But even people who are very close don't feel madly in love with each other every second of their lives. Even people you love to death bore you, frustrate you, or anger you once in a while. That's all I meant. I think some people have this notion they must feel this great passion for their partner all the time, and become distressed when they don't. They shouldn't be. Passion ebbs and flows and that's normal.

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I believe that, if the passion goes, the chemistry might help to keep the relationship alive, but not for long... at the end, we all need passion in our life... chemistry is good, but you can have chemistry with your best friend... :)

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I have the same question as the OP about my relationship, except I've promised to buy my g/f of 6 years an engagement ring. It doesn't feel right because we seem to have different values, a different sense of humor and different interests, but inertia/momentum will often sustain a relationship even before you reach marriage. Best of luck to you, OP. If you can find the courage to change things, you might want to try it out.

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I have the same question as the OP about my relationship, except I've promised to buy my g/f of 6 years an engagement ring. It doesn't feel right because we seem to have different values, a different sense of humor and different interests, but inertia/momentum will often sustain a relationship even before you reach marriage. Best of luck to you, OP. If you can find the courage to change things, you might want to try it out.

 

so, you have passion but no chemistry?

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Well, I guess I'm in a similar situation. I just cannot feel any passion towards my wife (married for 5 years). When I look at her then I think that she is pretty, but I never have the urge to run to her and kiss... If she is not around, I don't really miss her either.

 

All in all I also feel that she is like a sister to me. We moved together being very young (22-23) and have gone through a lot of trouble in life, supporting each other in career. We do not have any children yet. I do care for her and want her to do well, but find it increasingly difficult to express my feelings to her. All this is coupled with far from fantastic sex life.

 

I keep on wondering, whether we have just grown apart.

 

I keep on wondering, whether she is the right woman to be the mother to my children.

 

I keep on wondering, whether I would ever fall in love to her again or should I take myself together and ask for divorce.... I know that this would hurt her as she is very dependent on me. I also know that our families would be really shocked, since most people have the impression of us as a perfect and successful couple.

 

So as you can see, I'm really confused.

I thought to try hard for the next three months. Do all the cooking, go to Xmas holiday with her, and get her nice presents. Although she tells me that she loves me and can't live without me, she isn't that passionate either. May be if I try hard myself, things will change. If they don't , then I suppose it is time to end one chapter in my book.

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whattodonow12

Ron, do everything you can to figure all of this out before you move forward and have children. It sounds like that is what you are doing. If possible, try some individual counseling and marriage counseling. It may help you decide what is best for you. I have felt this for many years, but I ended up getting pregnant and, of course, that changed everything. Then, there was another person to consider.

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