Falling in love with another while married

[Landofconfusion]

Greetings,

 

I have been married fifteen years and we both have long lost the initial spark we had at the beginning. I would say I love my wife but for sure I 'm not in love.

 

Anyway, I have fallen in love with someone else twice while married. The first time after five years and the last time about a year or so ago. I did not cheat and forced myself to keep away from them even though my heart was screaming for me to take action. It was SO hard to resist. I can see how people lose their resolve and give in to the feelings.

 

I want to know if this normal or it means I am with the wrong person. I have a friend who is married about the same amount of time who says he feels the same love but not in love and no spark, but has never fallen for anyone else other than a few slight crushes. Any thoughts on this?

[bloggervenus]

 

I want to know if this normal or it means I am with the wrong person. I have a friend who is married about the same amount of time who says he feels the same love but not in love and no spark, but has never fallen for anyone else other than a few slight crushes. Any thoughts on this?

 

I think it is normal. Just look at the threads in this forum and you will see that you are not alone. I am told that this happens when you try to find your happiness outside of yourself. There is something in you that you are not happy about and your mind tries to cure it by distracting your attention to something else. It is usually not about the person you have fallen in love with, and it is not about your wife either. It is about you. You have to start looking at your life. work on your own growth, your own evolution. Do you love yourself? Are you feeling guilty? Do you feel you are wasting your life without a purpose? Are you passionate about your career? Do you have a sense of purpose and meaning in life? These are the things you need to start focusing on.

 

Of course it is easier said than done. I am struggling with the same thing. Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

The question is, why are you allowing yourself to fall inlove with other women? It's one thing to have a crush, it feels nice and it serves it's purpose..BUT, when you allow feelings to develop, and you start emotionally investing in someone else other than your wife, that's when it becomes dangerous..

 

What is it about you, your wife, your marriage that has turned you off? Enough that you're opening yourself up to other women, and possibly opening the door to an affair?

[quankanne]

more importantly, what was it about your wife that initially caught your attention? And made you say to yourself, "I've got to have her in my life for good"? Are you confusing that slow and steady and deep feeling of love with excitement of physical chemistry or spark?

 

I've been married a little bit longer than you, and can admit that there are times I've questioned my relationship because I didn't feel the "love" ... then realized that just because he doesn't show me the way I want to be shown, that doesn't mean the love isn't there.

 

find yourself a copy of "The Five Love Languages," I think Gary Chapman is the author's name, and read it. It's a real eye-opener in describing the ways people express their love for one another, and how sometimes, not realizing this can make you second-guess your relationship. And not just romantic ones, but every kind of relationship there is.

 

personally speaking, while the heady rush that comes with "being in love" is very exciting, it really isn't what I crave ... because "being in love" often is unrequited love, or excitement trying to pass for love ... the quiet, deep, long-lasting love is the one I want most.

 

just some food for thought

[Landofconfusion]

I am told that this happens when you try to find your happiness outside of yourself. There is something in you that you are not happy about and your mind tries to cure it by distracting your attention to something else.

My marriage? Just kidding. I do see your point. I just thought there must be something about our relationship that is off, but it could be some dissatisfaction in another area. Thanks.

[Landofconfusion]

The question is, why are you allowing yourself to fall inlove with other women? It's one thing to have a crush, it feels nice and it serves it's purpose..BUT, when you allow feelings to develop, and you start emotionally investing in someone else other than your wife, that's when it becomes dangerous..

 

What is it about you, your wife, your marriage that has turned you off? Enough that you're opening yourself up to other women, and possibly opening the door to an affair?

 

The times this happened, the feelings manifested on their own. It was never a decision...and when I was aware they were getting strong, I tried to avoid the person as much as possible. They were both at work.

 

As far as my wife and I...we have some resentments that often come up when we argue, which I considered garden variety, but I am concerned that my heart is try to lead me away and that it is not normal. I am not looking for an excuse to cheat or leave my wife. I am actually working on my marriage. I would just like to know that this kind of thing happens to people who have been married a long time and is normal or it is just an issue with me.

[Landofconfusion]

more importantly, what was it about your wife that initially caught your attention? And made you say to yourself, "I've got to have her in my life for good"? Are you confusing that slow and steady and deep feeling of love with excitement of physical chemistry or spark?

 

find yourself a copy of "The Five Love Languages," I think Gary Chapman is the author's name, and read it. It's a real eye-opener in describing the ways people express their love for one another, and how sometimes, not realizing this can make you second-guess your relationship. And not just romantic ones, but every kind of relationship there is.

 

 

I fell in love with my wife because we had physical chemistry and spark were/are compatible in several other ways. Now the spark is long gone but the other stuff holds us together. Thanks letting me know about that book.

[confusedinFl]

Landofconfusion.... you are not alone.. I too have the same feelings.. we've been married 8 yrs.. I have fallin for someone.. and they too are also married.. and we know that nothing could ever happen... and wont happen.. but I to cant seem to get this person outta my head..

 

I love my husband very much but in the same I would love to see why my heart goes elsewhere.. but in the same fact i dont want to ruin what I have. I am also trying to work on My marriage.. only difference is I am not avoiding whom.. I have fell for. which in reading your post I think I must.. to move on with my marriage.

 

So you are not alone.. at all.. good luck and stay strong..

[kevinconner]

You may be polyamorous. I sometimes think I am. I have zero issue with falling in love with another person while married. I used to get all guilted out by this but then I learned to accept who I am. There are plenty of people like this.

 

A person once asked me this, "...if you 100% truley loved your wife, then you would not be 'open' to allowing yourself to fall in love with someone else. Maybe it is indeed that you never loved your wife completely from the start."

 

I won't know the answer to this until I fall in love again and make a change. Not sure if I'll get the chance to do this, so holding course.

 

The interesting thing is that the love I felt with the other person while married was nothing like the original love I experienced with my wife. It was more "energetic" and also felt more risky. Uncertain. More butterflies. Less predicatability. I have since looked back on it and realized it was not everything I felt it was.

[65tr6]

I am told that this happens when you try to find your happiness outside of yourself. There is something in you that you are not happy about and your mind tries to cure it by distracting your attention to something else. It is usually not about the person you have fallen in love with, and it is not about your wife either. It is about you. You have to start looking at your life. work on your own growth, your own evolution. Do you love yourself? Are you feeling guilty? Do you feel you are wasting your life without a purpose? Are you passionate about your career? Do you have a sense of purpose and meaning in life? These are the things you need to start focusing on.

 

nice post bloggervenus.

 

to the OP, you said you fell in love twice but did not cheat. Care to elaborate ?

[whichwayisup]

The times this happened, the feelings manifested on their own. It was never a decision...and when I was aware they were getting strong, I tried to avoid the person as much as possible. They were both at work.

 

As far as my wife and I...we have some resentments that often come up when we argue, which I considered garden variety, but I am concerned that my heart is try to lead me away and that it is not normal. I am not looking for an excuse to cheat or leave my wife. I am actually working on my marriage. I would just like to know that this kind of thing happens to people who have been married a long time and is normal or it is just an issue with me.

 

Everyone gets crushes and feelings for others at times .. You say the feelings manifested on their own. Did you also MENTALLY block out that person, or did you allow yourself to "think/fantasize" about her? It's one thing to avoid the person, that's good you've done this..But, did you block the person out of your mind as well?

 

Maybe your marriage needs spicing up, and counselling could help you sort out your own issues. Think back to your past relationships..Did you have crushes and feelings for others too? Could be a pattern, or it could be just who you are, wearing your heart on your sleeve.. That's a good quality to have BUT you need to keep yourself in check, on the straight and narrow. Caring and being a good friend is wonderful as long as it doesn't cross the lines. It's when one becomes too attached to someone else while married or in a relationship that it gets dangerous and causes problems.

[Landofconfusion]

Landofconfusion.... you are not alone.. I too have the same feelings.. we've been married 8 yrs.. I have fallin for someone.. and they too are also married.. and we know that nothing could ever happen... and wont happen.. but I to cant seem to get this person outta my head..

 

I love my husband very much but in the same I would love to see why my heart goes elsewhere.. but in the same fact i dont want to ruin what I have. I am also trying to work on My marriage.. only difference is I am not avoiding whom.. I have fell for. which in reading your post I think I must.. to move on with my marriage.

 

So you are not alone.. at all.. good luck and stay strong..

 

Thanks. I hope you get through it. I have this idea that we are somehow biologically programmed to fall for people who make good reproductive matches, hence the obsession for months.

[Landofconfusion]

You may be polyamorous. I sometimes think I am. I have zero issue with falling in love with another person while married. I used to get all guilted out by this but then I learned to accept who I am. There are plenty of people like this.

 

A person once asked me this, "...if you 100% truley loved your wife, then you would not be 'open' to allowing yourself to fall in love with someone else. Maybe it is indeed that you never loved your wife completely from the start."

I don't think I am polyamorous, which is why I am concerned that I may be swimming upstream in my marriage. When that person said "open," they probably meant on the hunt for sex or validation of some kind. I just read in marriagebuilders that falling in love happens when we find someone who meets our unmet emotional needs. I'm not sure it's that simple but it has to be part of it.

[ADF]

Greetings,

 

I have been married fifteen years and we both have long lost the initial spark we had at the beginning. I would say I love my wife but for sure I 'm not in love.

 

Anyway, I have fallen in love with someone else twice while married. The first time after five years and the last time about a year or so ago. I did not cheat and forced myself to keep away from them even though my heart was screaming for me to take action. It was SO hard to resist. I can see how people lose their resolve and give in to the feelings.

 

I want to know if this normal or it means I am with the wrong person. I have a friend who is married about the same amount of time who says he feels the same love but not in love and no spark, but has never fallen for anyone else other than a few slight crushes. Any thoughts on this?

 

The "spark" you refer to is a product of brain chemistry seen in people just starting out in a new relationship. It always fades, usually within 18-24 months. This is why successful marriages need to be built on more than initial attraction.

 

That said, being faithful means you don't cheat, not that you don't occasionally want to. No doubt, there are times your wife would like to cheat as well. Sounds like your biggest problem is you think every new infatuation is your "heart" speaking to you. Nonsense. It is something further down.

[Landofconfusion]

 

to the OP, you said you fell in love twice but did not cheat. Care to elaborate ?

 

I'm not sure what you are asking. In both cases, the most recent one being the strongest, I met someone at work. I am somewhat introverted and don't really relate to most people. But when I met the two ladies I fell in love with, it was if they spoke the language of my personal planet, as if I knew them a long time. We just clicked. In both cases there was mutual attraction and chemistry to the point that other people noticed. And then the lighning struck and I was secretly owned...my heart would race, sleepless nights, moronic illusions of me saving this damsel in distress and then taking the long walk to forever.

 

But I am married. I am suppose to feel this way about my wife. I know that even if I ended up with one of the ladies I fell for, it would not be anywhere near as fun in fifteen years. The question becomes- Why is my heart a love-whore when I already have someone who loves me.

[Landofconfusion]

Everyone gets crushes and feelings for others at times .. You say the feelings manifested on their own. Did you also MENTALLY block out that person, or did you allow yourself to "think/fantasize" about her? It's one thing to avoid the person, that's good you've done this..But, did you block the person out of your mind as well?

 

Maybe your marriage needs spicing up, and counselling could help you sort out your own issues. Think back to your past relationships..Did you have crushes and feelings for others too? Could be a pattern, or it could be just who you are, wearing your heart on your sleeve.. That's a good quality to have BUT you need to keep yourself in check, on the straight and narrow. Caring and being a good friend is wonderful as long as it doesn't cross the lines. It's when one becomes too attached to someone else while married or in a relationship that it gets dangerous and causes problems.

 

No I did not mentally block the person, I never wanted to. She was amazing.

 

I never fell for anyone else while in other relationships, but my prior ones never lasted more than a couple years at the most.

 

Thanks for the advice. I don't want it to happen again since this time it was way harder to resist, possibly due to the getting older thing.

[Baroness67]

Despite my being on the wrong side of this, I am the BS, I do think it's normal to feel the natural urge to change things up with something different, someone new, to wonder if what you have in life is all you can have, if you ever could or should "trade up" or "live the one life you have to live."

 

I get it. It's happening to me now after 25 years of marriage (30 years together) with my husband, but it happened to me when I was in my early 30s and my husband was in medical school. I was making all the money we lived on at that time while we took out loans for his tuition.

 

During this time, the last time I worked, I was magically headhunted for a fabulous job I never thought in a million years I would have. It wasn't the money, it was the people I was hanging around. The "movers and shakers", the people with expense accounts, and could I fly with them to LA in 2 days. It was waaaaay different from coming home to this little apartment I shared with my scruffy student husband, I was in all these cute work outfits at the time ... and I was taken in. One particular married superior took an interest in me, and one night we made out/kissed. This is 20 years ago, mind you.

 

I spent weeks, if not months, fantasizing about this married superior and I know I slept apart from my husband at that time ("I'll take the couch"). I flirted like crazy at work, but fortunately I found out in safe time that I wasn't married superior's only girl at work ... learned my lesson and stayed professional with 40 year old married superior - who is now 60 and still with his wife.

 

So, I get it with my husband now that he is the karmic retribution for my more youthful indiscretions. I get it.

 

I believe it's normal.

 

I also, however, believe it's normal to want to pull over to the side of the road and leave your belligerent teenager there to walk home so they will learn their lesson. But you just don't go around doing whatever you feel like doing - if you are mature and responsible and have some capability for reflection.

 

My hard lesson has been, the person that I have been in love with for 30 years, has turned on me. I never thought it possible. I trusted in the love.

 

His hard lesson, whether he learns it from me or from any choices he makes to be with someone else, is that you never find true happiness in any one situation. Just distractions that keep you busy enough to keep from understanding that overall, life masters you, you don't master life.

[Landofconfusion]

Despite my being on the wrong side of this, I am the BS, I do think it's normal to feel the natural urge to change things up with something different, someone new, to wonder if what you have in life is all you can have, if you ever could or should "trade up" or "live the one life you have to live."

 

I get it. It's happening to me now after 25 years of marriage (30 years together) with my husband, but it happened to me when I was in my early 30s and my husband was in medical school. I was making all the money we lived on at that time while we took out loans for his tuition.

 

During this time, the last time I worked, I was magically headhunted for a fabulous job I never thought in a million years I would have. It wasn't the money, it was the people I was hanging around. The "movers and shakers", the people with expense accounts, and could I fly with them to LA in 2 days. It was waaaaay different from coming home to this little apartment I shared with my scruffy student husband, I was in all these cute work outfits at the time ... and I was taken in. One particular married superior took an interest in me, and one night we made out/kissed. This is 20 years ago, mind you.

 

I spent weeks, if not months, fantasizing about this married superior and I know I slept apart from my husband at that time ("I'll take the couch"). I flirted like crazy at work, but fortunately I found out in safe time that I wasn't married superior's only girl at work ... learned my lesson and stayed professional with 40 year old married superior - who is now 60 and still with his wife.

 

So, I get it with my husband now that he is the karmic retribution for my more youthful indiscretions. I get it.

 

I believe it's normal.

 

I also, however, believe it's normal to want to pull over to the side of the road and leave your belligerent teenager there to walk home so they will learn their lesson. But you just don't go around doing whatever you feel like doing - if you are mature and responsible and have some capability for reflection.

 

My hard lesson has been, the person that I have been in love with for 30 years, has turned on me. I never thought it possible. I trusted in the love.

 

His hard lesson, whether he learns it from me or from any choices he makes to be with someone else, is that you never find true happiness in any one situation. Just distractions that keep you busy enough to keep from understanding that overall, life masters you, you don't master life.

 

I am very sorry you are going through that, baroness67. I think after a certain age/ time together, you should get a get-out-of-a-breakup-free card. I hope that you heal and find yourself in another love-filled relationship. You are due for some good karma.

[whichwayisup]

No I did not mentally block the person, I never wanted to. She was amazing.

 

I never fell for anyone else while in other relationships, but my prior ones never lasted more than a couple years at the most.

 

Thanks for the advice. I don't want it to happen again since this time it was way harder to resist, possibly due to the getting older thing.

 

You fed the feelings by thinking of her, fantasizing about her..

 

Anyway, I do hope you try your best to put her out of your mind. No good can come of this!

[1Angel]

I liked bloggervenus' reply about loving yourself first. That way you aren't looking for something outside yourself to fill you up. Someone mentioned it's normal to have crushes just don't act on them. Bravo!

Baronness, your honesty wow. I'm sorry for what you are going through now.

[bloggervenus]

We all have the same goal in life: Happiness

 

It is quite natural that when presented with new possibilities we wonder, "Am I the happiest that I can be? Would I have been happier if I had been with this other person? Have I made the best choice? Am I with the perfect partner?" There is NO WAY to know the answer to these questions. No way. If you are with the other person, you will ask the same question after a few years. That is why I think the solution is to eliminate the questions altogether. Why is our happiness in someone else's hands in the first place? Why should a spouse make you more or less happy? Isn't it true that "there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way?"

 

Happy is not something that you will be after you have gotten that job, or acquired that house, or married that guy/gal, or made that money. This is really looking at things from the outside in. No matter how much you acquire, or how love your partner is, there is always more and better out there. When will it be enough? Never. Unless, you just start living from the inside out. Be happy regardless. Be happy because you are you, because you live in this world, because universe is vast, and miracles are happening around you. Just stop wanting and resisting.

 

What I have written above is what I beleive in, but by no means what I have mastered ;-) I am a student of this and know that will forever be a student of it. Read "Eckhart Tolle's books. I believe our only path to happiness is the path of enlightenment.