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No Sex Because of My Weight Gain


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frustrated_one

I've only been married for four years and in that time I've gained 50 lbs. I have not had kids in that time. I have had a few surgeries that have helped contribute to the weight gain.

 

I'm 5'2" and now weight 183. I'm a size 16/18. I am 44 years old. When I first got together with my husband, I was a size 4/6 and weighed around 135ish. Even at that weight I felt like I did not look good in a bathing suit and I wanted to lose more weight (to be around 115ish). Not sure that was realistic since I hadn't been that weight since high school.

 

I had told him I had lost weight, so I never hid that from him. When we were first together I was motivated to work out - you know how it is, the flush of love, not being able to eat, always thinking of that person and how you are just kinda of obsessed.

 

He had lost 40 pounds a year or two earlier and was working out. Our new relationship really motivated him. Today, he might be 15 lbs heavier but he's still a small guy.

 

Two years ago when my weight got up to about 155 lbs, I noticed our sex life was diminishing. I wanted to talk to him about it but I get so emotional and cry and I don't think that's fair to him. So I sent him an email about it. He admitted that my weight gain was turning him off. I wanted him to be truthful but of course, it hurt.

 

What is really hurtful is that before my husband there were lots of guys who just wanted me because of my looks. I thought my husband was different. That was a big part of what attracted me to him. He loved that I was smart, that I could talk about anything from sports to politics. He loved that we shared many of the same values. He loved my sense of humor and how I could "battle" him.

 

When we were first together I would work out with him but I hated it. I hated having to get up early in the morning to work out. I work from home and make my own hours. One of the benefits I wanted from working from home was no more getting up at 6am.

 

Fast forward to today . . . I'm now at 183ish. I've gained even more weight and now pretty much don't have sex with him unless I guilt him into it. I am miserable. I snore now which keeps him up - so we sleep in seperate bedrooms. We have no kids. My time is my own. He will support me - buy gym memberships, coaching sessions, etc. We have a complete professional home gym in our basement.

 

I have no excuse except I am so hurt and bitter. This was the guy who I thought was different from all the other guys and what I have found out is that he wasn't different. I feel like he lied to me. Of course, he feels like I've done a "bait and switch" - that I don't care anymore.

 

I feel like he has me backed into a corner and I am defensive and hurt. I don't know why I can't/won't get motivated to lose the weight. I am not happy - I loved being a smaller size. I have lost weight before but now I feel like he is using sex as a weapon. "Lose weight or no sex."

 

When we were first married my husband was a food natzi - really strict about not eating any junk food. Again, that was fine for a while - I would have fast food while I was out during the day. I think that's how I found a bit of control in my life. Over the years, he has mellowed a bit but I know I often eat emotionally, rather than because of hunger.

 

I have tried taking Meridian, but even that I didn't do regularly.

 

I would say that I am in a happy marriage other than what I have written. I love my husband but I am not feeling loved. I feel like my only value is as a trophy wife. He's told me that I would be a better wife if I weighed less. That just blows my mind! I am the same person inside whether at a size 18 or 4 but he says I'd be a better wife if my jean size was smaller.

 

I fear that even if I do buckle down and lose weight that I will be very, very bitter and angry with him. Like if I get down to a size 10 and now he wants to have sex I will be like, "FU!"

 

I don't want to be that way but am finding that mental adjustment difficult.:o

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I'm sorry you're hurting! Do you think, maybe depressions has added to your weight gain? What kinds of surgeries have you had if you don't mine me asking? You said you don't want to have sex sometimes unless you guilt him into it....so is it YOU that doesn't want to have sex mostly, or is it that HE doesn't want to? Perhaps its both of you that would rather not even bother? The only thing I know to tell you right now, is maybe see about talking to a counselor. Someone that can help YOU with whatever is going on and how to better deal with your feelings.

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Do you realize that sexual response is largely involuntary. Meaning his body is just reacting the way that it is to yours. That isn't something he directly controls.

 

If I were him I would be angry also, angry that you love food more then you love the marriage. Angry that instead of being sorry and trying to fix a problem you created, you are trying to blame the victim - and he is the victim here not you.

 

 

I've only been married for four years and in that time I've gained 50 lbs. I have not had kids in that time. I have had a few surgeries that have helped contribute to the weight gain.

 

I'm 5'2" and now weight 183. I'm a size 16/18. I am 44 years old. When I first got together with my husband, I was a size 4/6 and weighed around 135ish. Even at that weight I felt like I did not look good in a bathing suit and I wanted to lose more weight (to be around 115ish). Not sure that was realistic since I hadn't been that weight since high school.

 

I had told him I had lost weight, so I never hid that from him. When we were first together I was motivated to work out - you know how it is, the flush of love, not being able to eat, always thinking of that person and how you are just kinda of obsessed.

 

He had lost 40 pounds a year or two earlier and was working out. Our new relationship really motivated him. Today, he might be 15 lbs heavier but he's still a small guy.

 

Two years ago when my weight got up to about 155 lbs, I noticed our sex life was diminishing. I wanted to talk to him about it but I get so emotional and cry and I don't think that's fair to him. So I sent him an email about it. He admitted that my weight gain was turning him off. I wanted him to be truthful but of course, it hurt.

 

What is really hurtful is that before my husband there were lots of guys who just wanted me because of my looks. I thought my husband was different. That was a big part of what attracted me to him. He loved that I was smart, that I could talk about anything from sports to politics. He loved that we shared many of the same values. He loved my sense of humor and how I could "battle" him.

 

When we were first together I would work out with him but I hated it. I hated having to get up early in the morning to work out. I work from home and make my own hours. One of the benefits I wanted from working from home was no more getting up at 6am.

 

Fast forward to today . . . I'm now at 183ish. I've gained even more weight and now pretty much don't have sex with him unless I guilt him into it. I am miserable. I snore now which keeps him up - so we sleep in seperate bedrooms. We have no kids. My time is my own. He will support me - buy gym memberships, coaching sessions, etc. We have a complete professional home gym in our basement.

 

I have no excuse except I am so hurt and bitter. This was the guy who I thought was different from all the other guys and what I have found out is that he wasn't different. I feel like he lied to me. Of course, he feels like I've done a "bait and switch" - that I don't care anymore.

 

I feel like he has me backed into a corner and I am defensive and hurt. I don't know why I can't/won't get motivated to lose the weight. I am not happy - I loved being a smaller size. I have lost weight before but now I feel like he is using sex as a weapon. "Lose weight or no sex."

 

When we were first married my husband was a food natzi - really strict about not eating any junk food. Again, that was fine for a while - I would have fast food while I was out during the day. I think that's how I found a bit of control in my life. Over the years, he has mellowed a bit but I know I often eat emotionally, rather than because of hunger.

 

I have tried taking Meridian, but even that I didn't do regularly.

 

I would say that I am in a happy marriage other than what I have written. I love my husband but I am not feeling loved. I feel like my only value is as a trophy wife. He's told me that I would be a better wife if I weighed less. That just blows my mind! I am the same person inside whether at a size 18 or 4 but he says I'd be a better wife if my jean size was smaller.

 

I fear that even if I do buckle down and lose weight that I will be very, very bitter and angry with him. Like if I get down to a size 10 and now he wants to have sex I will be like, "FU!"

 

I don't want to be that way but am finding that mental adjustment difficult.:o

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frustrated_one

Pandora, I have had several surgeries on my feet - 5 different procedures. Since those, I have pain when on the treadmill which was my primary mode of cardio.

 

And IT'S ME who wants sex - him who doesn't. I have to guilt him into it. I'm the one who wants sex, he's the one who doesn't.

 

Before we were married, he had been in a previous relationship for 10 years to a woman who was thin. He told me that they did not have sex much. He said he was not a very sexual person. I told him that was hard to believe since we had sex all the time.

 

Now I wonder about this. She did not have a weight problem and they did not have much sex.

 

I told him last Christmas that what I wanted as my gift was to have sex at least 4 times a month. That is NOT a lot, but it hasn't happened.

 

Pandora, I suppose depression could be a part of it. The economy has taken a toll on my business. I don't feel motivated about anything.

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Toodamnpragmatic

mem11363 said it..... I didn't.... This is a touchy and sad subject. In this case too there are no children. I know this is a very difficult debate and will reserve judgment for now....

 

 

Do you realize that sexual response is largely involuntary. Meaning his body is just reacting the way that it is to yours. That isn't something he directly controls.

 

If I were him I would be angry also, angry that you love food more then you love the marriage. Angry that instead of being sorry and trying to fix a problem you created, you are trying to blame the victim - and he is the victim here not you.

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The Midnight Rider

Are you kidding me? Really? Are you ****ting me? Tell me I am not hearing what I am hearing! "You love food more than your marriage"? Mem, I've agreed with just about EVERYTHING you've posted so far because you seem like you are smart and caring, but this takes the cake. Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face? The beauty of all of this is that this post will be blocked or taken off because I AM BEING INSENSITIVE! I will post my reaction to frustrated_one in another post. And Todamn, com'n...

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Do you realize that sexual response is largely involuntary. Meaning his body is just reacting the way that it is to yours. That isn't something he directly controls.

 

If I were him I would be angry also, angry that you love food more then you love the marriage. Angry that instead of being sorry and trying to fix a problem you created, you are trying to blame the victim - and he is the victim here not you.

 

I don't understand. She said she had surgeries that have contributed to the weight loss. Her husband is certainly not a victim. He may be an innocent bystandard, but not a victim.

 

And he's contributing to her not being motivated to lose the weight by rejecting her. It's a vicious cycle and when a person feels like they won't be loved unless they look a certain way, it only creates more depression which turns into more overeating.

 

Her husband may not be able to control his sexual attraction to her, but he can control the way he treats her. He can show her love regardless and help her in a loving way.

 

I'm glad I didn't marry a man like this. I've gained at least 40 pounds since I've been married and my husband still finds me sexy. He loves me, not a number on a scale. Any fool can have a trophy wife, but a real man wants a trophy marriage. This guy should be ashamed of himself.

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Are you kidding me? Really? Are you ****ting me? Tell me I am not hearing what I am hearing! "You love food more than your marriage"? Mem, I've agreed with just about EVERYTHING you've posted so far because you seem like you are smart and caring, but this takes the cake. Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face? The beauty of all of this is that this post will be blocked or taken off because I AM BEING INSENSITIVE! I will post my reaction to frustrated_one in another post. And Todamn, com'n...

 

I agree. I think that was unnecessary. Obviously she needs to loose weight, but to say she loves food more than her husband is insulting. It's not that black and white.

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Are you kidding me? Really? Are you ****ting me? Tell me I am not hearing what I am hearing! "You love food more than your marriage"? Mem, I've agreed with just about EVERYTHING you've posted so far because you seem like you are smart and caring, but this takes the cake. Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face? The beauty of all of this is that this post will be blocked or taken off because I AM BEING INSENSITIVE! I will post my reaction to frustrated_one in another post. And Todamn, com'n...

 

This is completely uncalled for and unproductive.

 

You nor anyone else here knows for sure whether she loves food so much that its a replacement for her husband and sex.And even if thats the case, that is a form of depression and her channeling her energy into food is one way some people deal or not deal for that matter, of what may or may not be going on their lives. Obviously she needs some kind of help, and hopefully with positive reinforcement she might be able to do that. Telling someone to punch another in the face is not the answer.

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Are you kidding me? Really? Are you ****ting me? Tell me I am not hearing what I am hearing! "You love food more than your marriage"? Mem, I've agreed with just about EVERYTHING you've posted so far because you seem like you are smart and caring, but this takes the cake. Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face? The beauty of all of this is that this post will be blocked or taken off because I AM BEING INSENSITIVE! I will post my reaction to frustrated_one in another post. And Todamn, com'n...

 

 

While Mem was a bit blunt I would agree that a 50 pound weight gain over 4 years is a lot of weight. When you add i the fact that at only 5ft 2 inches tall and weighing in at 135 pounds the OP went into her marriage over weight by a goodly amount.

 

What's key here though is that the OP told her husband that she'd lost weight, she entered the marriage with the agreement that she was just as committed to physical health and staying physically attractive as he was ie: she was going to continue to attempt to lose weight and become more physically fit.

 

If OP had come here and said she'd had several surgeries

and been depressed and couldn't get lower than 135 pounds or even that she'd gained 5-10 pounds because she couldn't handle her treadmill I could understand.. but 50 pounds in only 4 years? I can well understand if her husband feels betrayed and lied to.

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frustrated_one

I have been thinking what you wrote . .. that I "love food more than my marriage." It is harsh, but it has been ringing thru my mind since you wrote it. I don't love food more than him, I really don't. I want to have a trophy marriage, as hopeful wrote.

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Double ouch on mem11363.....

Weight gain is a very sensitive subject. I've been there like so many others and it is not as easy as it sounds. But....first and foremost you need to stop and really focus on what the real issues may be. The surgeries may have played a part, but I would bet that a lot of it is depression.

 

Get in touch with yourself and focus on you. Try to be healthier......eat right, and start exercising. Concentrate on yourself and loving yourself, don't do it for anyone else. As you start to pull out of your depression you will start to see things differently and then may be able to deal with the other issues around you; like your husband. There are different ways that he could have handled your weight gain without being cruel about it.

 

Good luck to you.

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If I were him I would be angry also, angry that you love food more then you love the marriage.

mem,

I appreciate some of your post. But it seems that you have been fortunate in life to not have to struggle too much with trying to lose weight, and perhaps are not too familiar with the very real challenges faced by emotional eaters and individuals with eating disorders.

 

It should be so simple and easy as to just stop "loving" (fattening, unhealthy) foods and drinks, mem. It really should.

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you're going to have to lose weight only if "you" want to. men are visual creatures. you said your foot problems have added to your weight gain,there are other things you can you can do besides treadmill,or running. diet,walking,weightlifting,sorry as much as you hate the gym,you're going to have to use it. try a different time of the day instead of 6 am.

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IMO, 50 pounds over 4 years might sound like alot, but really its not. 50 pounds in a few months or even in a years time, yeah then that's different.

 

Anyway I've seen the OP actually agree with some of the things some people have said, , but yet thats not good enough for some I suppose. So then the question would be, how do you light a fire under someones butt that is depressed, and unmotivated to loose the weight she knows she needs to loose?

 

My guess would be to start off with a person(s) that can help you. Counselor/personal trainer/nutritionist. Of course this is probably if its based on something within your budget. Or even try some online tips etc. I know that no mater what is told to you or suggested though, at some point you'll have to make some kind of conscience decision on what you want to do. Good luck!

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frustrated_one

The acceptable weight range for my 5'2" frame is 108-143 - so 135 was acceptable and my husband was fine with the 135. However, I did want to lose more weight and told him that my goal for the year after we were married was to work out so I would have a "smokin' hot body."

 

Let me say that in my entire 44 years I HAVE NEVER had a smokin' hot body. One of my earliest memories as a very young girl (maybe 5 or 6) was trying to lose weight. I was never fat, mind you, but had the whole body image issue.

 

When I was in 7th grade I had a competition with my sisters to see who could stay under 100 lbs.

 

When I graduated from high school I was 115ish and still felt like I was fat.

 

My husband has a nice body although he wants to lose the little love handles. He has always been into fitness, so I do completely understand why he feels betrayed. But he knows what it is like not to follow thru on fitness goals. I cannot tell you how many workout programs he was designed for himself and after a day or two, he drops them. He spends way more time talking about working out and working on workout plans than he does actually working out. {And yes, I have thought that it may be my inactivitiy that contributes to this.}

 

I had good intentions to lose more weight. In fact, I was in my 120s for just a little while and when I looked in the mirror I actually didn't recognize my face, I had lost the fullness I have always had.

 

Foot surgeries certainly put a wrench into those plans. Now those surgeries and foot problems (on going) seem like excuses to me. I will watch the Biggest Loser and see people far heavier than I am doing far more.

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IMO, 50 pounds over 4 years might sound like alot, but really its not. 50 pounds in a few months or even in a years time, yeah then that's different.

 

Anyway I've seen the OP actually agree with some of the things some people have said, , but yet thats not good enough for some I suppose. So then the question would be, how do you light a fire under someones butt that is depressed, and unmotivated to loose the weight she knows she needs to loose?

 

My guess would be to start off with a person(s) that can help you. Counselor/personal trainer/nutritionist. Of course this is probably if its based on something within your budget. Or even try some online tips etc. I know that no mater what is told to you or suggested though, at some point you'll have to make some kind of conscience decision on what you want to do. Good luck!

 

That is the question. I've lost a lot of weight since I've had my two children, but like I said I know my husband will want to have sex with me anyway so I never felt pressure to loose weight for him. I wanted to be healthier for myself and a good example to my kids. That was my main motivation. Everything else (looking good) was just gravy. I think you have to want it for yourself, because if you try to do it for someone else you are setting yourself up for failure.

 

Also, the weight didn't come on overnight so it's certainly not going to come off overnight. Make a goal of loosing a pound or so a week and take it slow. The more slowly you loose the weight, the more likely it is going to stay off.

 

And don't be too hard on yourself. This may be the hardest part, but forgive yourself for gaining the weight and forgive your husband for being insensitive. Let it go and move forward to your better, healthier life. :)

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"I cannot tell you how many workout programs he was designed for himself and after a day or two, he drops them. He spends way more time talking about working out and working on workout plans than he does actually working out".

 

Well he really shouldn't be a finger pointer then. My guess is, what he sees in you he might not like is what he probably sees in himself he doesn't like but you know its easier to blame. If anything he should be able to lend a little support and encouragement, I'm sure it makes a big difference when you have someone you love/care for be there for you and lend some support. Even on shows like the Biggest Loser, they have people who show support and encouragement. And yes, the person doing the losing of the weight has to put forth some kind of effort if the want to see results.

Edited by blair08
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The Midnight Rider

Frustrated, I would agree with the above posters if the opposite was true. First, you don't lose weight for somebody else. You lose it for you. When you are tired of what you are, then change it. If not, then not. Second, losing weight doesn't change who YOU are. My wife is not thin, but she is as beautiful to me as the day we met not because of her flesh, but because of HER! If all of a sudden you drop the weight and your husband wants to ride you around like a pony, was it because of you or your body? If it's the latter, your better off dumping this jerk and finding a guy who is worth a damn. Third, stop kicking yourself. Your not the problem, your husband is. You gained weight? So what! He seems to be the one with the issue. If he doesn't want to have sex with you, I BETCHA there are many men who would!

 

Do I sound angry? HELL. YES. I'm angry and here's why. My daughter is eleven and as skinny as a rail. She was told by some silly-ass boy that she was fat. Next thing I know, she's trying to STARVE herself by not eating for the whole day! She was told by her friends that if she gets fat, nobody will like her. I could see the tears well up in my wife's eyes and I think she may have seen the rage building in mine. This is what I told my daughter:

"Where ever you go in life, people will always tell you that you are too this or not enough that. You will be too fat, too thin, too black, or not black enough. What ever you are, be that and be proud of what ever that is". That's what my parents told me and that's what I told her. She seemed okay with this and ate pizza with us that night.

 

One

Angry

Jarhead

:bunny:

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The Midnight Rider
This is completely uncalled for and unproductive.

 

You nor anyone else here knows for sure whether she loves food so much that its a replacement for her husband and sex.And even if thats the case, that is a form of depression and her channeling her energy into food is one way some people deal or not deal for that matter, of what may or may not be going on their lives. Obviously she needs some kind of help, and hopefully with positive reinforcement she might be able to do that. Telling someone to punch another in the face is not the answer.

 

Get over it.

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It sounds like you are unhappy with your weight but since you hate exercising need an excuse to not lose it. And you have one...your husband is not happy with your weight either.

 

You both feel betrayed, but only one of you can do anything about it.

If you really dont want to lose the weight, maybe he would find you more attractive if you became more confident with it yourself.

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Get over it.

 

 

:laugh:

 

LOL, why would you tell someone to "get over it" just because they told you what you said was uncalled for? Which it was! Even you said you were being insensitive. I mean really, telling another person they need to be punched in the face. It sounds like you need to "get over" your attitude and chip on your shoulder. In alot of your replies to people you sound bitter and hateful.

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:laugh:

 

LOL, why would you tell someone to "get over it" just because they told you what you said was uncalled for? Which it was! Even you said you were being insensitive. I mean really, telling another person they need to be punched in the face. It sounds like you need to "get over" your attitude and chip on your shoulder. In alot of your replies to people you sound bitter and hateful.

 

That's not what he said. He was saying that the criticizms that were directed at the OP were like a punch in the face. He didn't say anyone needed to be punched in the face. He said Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face?

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frustrated_one

I have a question. My husband said before we got married that in his previous relationship they didn't have a lot of sex. He told me he was "not a sexual person." Yet, in the first year of our marriage we had sex often enough to satisfy me.

 

So now I have gained weight and I am lucky if we have sex once every 6 weeks or so. My husband is 50 and in good shape. There is nothing "wrong" in the function department. Everything I read/know about mes says that they need sex on a regular basis - just how they are built.

 

So what do you think is really going on with my husband? Would he really rather J*^k off as opposed to have sex with a wife who is willing and able? I love sex - I am not a prude.

 

Also, what can I do, as my weight stands now, in order to get more sex from my husband? The other night we were on the sofa and I snuggled up to him and reached down to his zipper and said, "Hey there, I have an idea. . . " He got very annoyed and said, "Ehhh, what are you doing?" and he pushed me away. I cannot tell you how crushed I was. I have NEVER turned him away, even when I really wasn't in the mood.

 

We have been in bed and I will start caressing him, always a sign for us that the other one want sex. He just lays motionless, like he's trying to not even breathe. I just roll over and cry myself to sleep.

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