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Dealing With Marital Crisis


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I thought this was a thoughtful essay on dealing with a crisis in one's marriage. Much different than the oft-posted advice here that "you should get a divorce". Kind of long but good reading...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The last word: He said he was leaving. She ignored him.

 

Let’s say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s—gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros, when you were single and skinny—have for the most part come true.

 

Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.

 

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

 

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say, “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

 

Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.

 

Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else—a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

 

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

 

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

 

He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.

 

So he turned mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”

 

Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t.

 

Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”

 

You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “the End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.

 

My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself. He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our family.

 

But I wasn’t buying it.

 

I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

 

“Huh?” he said.

 

“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”

 

Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“How can we have a responsible distance?”

 

“I don’t want distance,” he said. “I want to move out.”

 

My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? Unconscionable secrets? But I stopped myself. I would not suffer.

 

Instead, I went to my desk, Googled “responsible separation,” and came up with a list. It included things like: Who’s allowed to use what credit cards? Who are the children allowed to see you with in town? Who’s allowed keys to what?

 

I looked through the list and passed it on to him.

 

His response: “Keys? We don’t even have keys to our house.”

 

I remained stoic. I could see pain in his eyes. Pain I recognized.

 

“Oh, I see what you’re doing,” he said. “You’re going to make me go into therapy. You’re not going to let me move out. You’re going to use the kids against me.”

 

“I never said that. I just asked: What can we do to give you the distance you need ... ”

 

“Stop saying that!”

 

Well, he didn’t move out.

 

Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual 6 o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July—the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks—to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”

 

But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time, as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.

 

My trusted friends were irate on my behalf. “How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!”

 

I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it.

 

I know what you’re thinking: I’m a pushover. I’m weak and scared and would put up with anything to keep the family together. I’m probably one of those women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure you, I’m not. I load 1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of Montana all summer. I went through Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a Caesarean section without follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.

 

I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so that wouldn’t happen.

 

Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.

 

I had good days and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say, “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.

 

Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying, or begging, I presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to share in it, or not—it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. And we were.

 

And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To love me. To fight for what we’ve created. You can bet I wanted to.

 

But I didn’t.

 

I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.

 

And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A man doesn’t mow his lawn if he’s going to leave it. Not this man. Then he fixed a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment about our front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned needing wood for next winter. The future. Little by little, he started talking about the future.

 

It was Thanksgiving dinner that sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.”

 

He was back.

 

And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.

 

When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: It’s not a spouse, or land, or a job, or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.

 

My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out. We’ve since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to write about our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this juncture in life. People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their temporary feelings are permanent. Who see an easy out and think they can escape.

 

My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me.

 

But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.

 

Laura Munson, this essay originally appeared in The New York Times.

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Toodamnpragmatic

Interesting take, very surprising result..... I think people were of the consensus he didn't find anyone those single months.....

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GorillaTheater
Interesting take, very surprising result..... I think people were of the consensus he didn't find anyone those single months.....

 

Yeah, I wondered how an affair might effect her viewpoint.

 

Still, while my marriage hasn't entered "crisis" stage, there's some emotional distance I'm trying to get my head around and like I said, this helps as far as keeping my thoughts clear and in perspective.

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Interesting take, very surprising result..... I think people were of the consensus he didn't find anyone those single months.....

 

I have read this story somewhere else before...

 

Since it is a story...let's speculate. My guess is that he had found someone else...and it might not have been the only reason for him saying he wanted out. Sometimes when a spouse finds someone else is it is simply a symptom/casualty of a MLC. Maybe its just part and parcel for a MLC...finding someone else...kind of like the cliched sports car.

 

In this case maybe the H's affair/interest elsewhere was short-lived. Perhaps, if a BS could look at a MLC affair as just a symptom of something internal in the ir WS...and not take it personally (very difficult, I know)...divorce wouldn't necessarily be the outcome. Perhaps the pain on the BS could be a little less.

 

Just some speculation!

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I read this story in one of my wife's magazines. I was very impressed by it.

 

One can criticize the wife for doing what she did, but in her case, it worked out. And yes, I am surprised that he never found anyone else during that time. Of course, he could have and never told her.

 

Still...great testimonial to commitment by one person and ending with a great result.

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GREAT STORY....Even if it's just a story! Wish I'd have read it 4 years ago.

 

A question to those that posted...Does it ALWAYS have to be about an affair/someone else / another woman / another man ???????

 

Could it just be as simple as - Husband had a mid life melt down - did his own thing for a year - ignored his family during said meltdown & then finally came to his senses, decided that his family was worth staying for, worth everything to him & pulled his head out of his @ss?

Why does there ALWAYS have to be drama, other women, other men, torrid affairs etc. etc. etc.

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Perhaps, if a BS could look at a MLC affair as just a symptom of something internal in the ir WS...and not take it personally (very difficult, I know)...divorce wouldn't necessarily be the outcome. Perhaps the pain on the BS could be a little less.

 

Just some speculation!

 

Well said.

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I read this story in one of my wife's magazines. I was very impressed by it.

 

One can criticize the wife for doing what she did, but in her case, it worked out. And yes, I am surprised that he never found anyone else during that time. Of course, he could have and never told her.

 

Still...great testimonial to commitment by one person and ending with a great result.

You know James, slightly OT, but your situation popped into my head while I was reading this article. Much like the protagonist, you seem to have decided to lay low and hope your spouse comes around. There's also the realization that, regardless of effect, her issues are not yours to address. Hope I'm not out of line, I thought the similarities were notable...

 

Mr. Lucky

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He was cheating and the AP dumped him. The writer's tactic will work in .000001% of similiar situations, and less in others. Makes for a nice story and sold some papers for the Times. Other than that it sucked.

Edited by JumpinJimmy
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He was cheating and the AP dumped him. The writer's tactic will work in .000001% of similiar situations, and less in others. Makes for a nice story and sold some papers for the Times. Other than that it sucked.

Ah, I'm sure you're correct. Much better for either partner to cut and run at the first sign of difficulty, regardless of the wreckage left behind. Although that doesn't make for as nice a "story"...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I'm not going to criticize her actions but whoah, that's asking more than what's possible for most people. She must walk around with a halo over her head!

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You know James, slightly OT, but your situation popped into my head while I was reading this article. Much like the protagonist, you seem to have decided to lay low and hope your spouse comes around. There's also the realization that, regardless of effect, her issues are not yours to address. Hope I'm not out of line, I thought the similarities were notable...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You are not out of line, and ironically, I received the same message when I read it. The similarities are similar. Perhaps patience may work. The question is...how long will it take.

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I'd bet money that the reality wasn't nearly as ideal as she made it. Trite garbage.

 

"The idea that someone could actually work at a marriage and make it work when the odds seems so high....come on, that ain't real." :rolleyes:

 

I would bet money that while it isn't a perfect marriage (as none are), it is pretty much as she described it.

 

Why people don't want to believe that marriages can be fixed when they seem hopeless is beyond me. Marriage is a series of ups and downs. Some go lower than others, while others go higher. And many reach happy conclusions instead of divorce. Many choose reparations and reconciliations. Not all choose divorce.

 

Sometimes the easiest choice IS divorce. What this lady chose was not an easy path, but based on her words, it was the right path.

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Talk to me in 10 years when the kids are gone and they are divorced. Having read your monstrous thread you have no leg to stand on in this. You've willingly decided to live in a roommate relationship.

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Talk to me in 10 years when the kids are gone and they are divorced.

 

Assumption is that they will be divorced. But even if they are, that has nothing to do with today. Could be a new problem arises that ends the marriage. Could be that they go bankrupt. However, no one can argue that as of now this lady's patience and persistence paid off.

 

 

Having read your monstrous thread you have no leg to stand on in this.

 

If you have read all of my many threads, then you would understand that I DO have a leg to stand on. I do understand that there are ups and downs. Even in the past five years when the sex has been less, it has had times that it was very good. Read all my threads. I have shown (and I don't say it with arrogance) that sometimes we choose to stay in a less than perfect situation for the benefits currently had and for those we feel will happen in the future.

 

And having read your few posts, I am sure that your cynicism regarding sexless situations carries some past bitterness.

 

 

You've willingly decided to live in a roommate relationship.

 

Yes, I have. And the question is...am I in the middle of my story? Will it have this happy ending (or so it seems), or will mine end differently?

 

No question...life is a gamble. We choose based on what we know at the time. Perhaps I will say in a few years that it was not a good decision. Perhaps it will have been the best decision of my life.

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Have you ever known someone whose sex life got better with their spouse for the remainder of their marriage? I don't mean a few weeks, a few months or even a couple of years but for the remainder of the marriage.

 

You've decided to accept less. You say your marriage is happy in all areas but this one, but we all know what that leads to. The other areas will deteriorate sooner or later.

 

I'll admit I'm in the same boat. It's frustrating. The thing is it's also a failure to live up to the marital contract. That may seem cold, but if I decided to stop working and providing for the family wouldn't the same thing be the case?

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Have you ever known someone whose sex life got better with their spouse for the remainder of their marriage? I don't mean a few weeks, a few months or even a couple of years but for the remainder of the marriage.

I'll throw my own hat in the ring. My sex life was in the tank (along with my marriage) and has recovered to the point over the last couple of years that it's better than ever, relative to our ages. And counter to the frequently cynical POV of many here, I don't expect that to change. So while all marriages have their down periods, many have corresponding ups.

 

One challenge is to not let your attitude deteriorate to the point that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy :) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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ML

What do you believe were the primary causes of the initial problem and the recovery

 

 

I'll throw my own hat in the ring. My sex life was in the tank (along with my marriage) and has recovered to the point over the last couple of years that it's better than ever, relative to our ages. And counter to the frequently cynical POV of many here, I don't expect that to change. So while all marriages have their down periods, many have corresponding ups.

 

One challenge is to not let your attitude deteriorate to the point that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy :) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Not to be a jerk about this - but - I honestly wonder about this stuff. When I was the sole breadwinner - there is no way I would have quit work. But my job really sucked - I mean it really sucked. Thing is it made 4 other peoples lives effortless and deligtful and that made me happy and willing to grind it out year after year.

 

But if my wife had gone into the I really do love you but I am not attracted to you anymore thing - I would have gone into the - ok - well sad for both of us but then lets rework how we do things. So for starters lets make sure we both have the same work week. And my goal is no longer to provide everyone a delightful lifestyle - my new goal is to retire as early as possible. So going forward other then the kids - all discretionary spend needs to be discussed. I mean I totally love you, I just don't feel the desire to be generous with my time - anymore. And that really is what this is. Every dollar we spend on fun stuff is more time I end up having to work before retirement. I promise to be the same fun, considerate nice guy I have always been - with the one exception being that we are now going to live on essentials. But hey I am not worried, I know you aren't just with me for my high salary. So I know you would never leave me over anything shallow and trivial like money.

 

Oh - and just so we are clear. I know you are thinking about getting a job so you can have discretionary income. But see we are going to have to discuss that - I mean sure you can get a job - but until you are paying your fair share of all our basic costs - it really wouldn't be fair for you to be able to use that as play money. Otherwise it feels like my money goes for everyone and yours goes just for you.

 

I know this will be difficult at first, but trust me you will get used to it. By the way I believe the financial equivalent of masturbation is going to the library for books and their very limited selection of dvds. Sorry that there is no equivalent for hair and clothing and vacations - well except I guess you can get some travelogue dvds at the library. Good thing too, cause I just disconnected the cable tv.

 

Love is a many dimensional thing.

 

 

Have you ever known someone whose sex life got better with their spouse for the remainder of their marriage? I don't mean a few weeks, a few months or even a couple of years but for the remainder of the marriage.

 

You've decided to accept less. You say your marriage is happy in all areas but this one, but we all know what that leads to. The other areas will deteriorate sooner or later.

 

I'll admit I'm in the same boat. It's frustrating. The thing is it's also a failure to live up to the marital contract. That may seem cold, but if I decided to stop working and providing for the family wouldn't the same thing be the case?

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I have read this story somewhere else before...

 

Yes, there was another thread about it here (posted Sept. 5):

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t201166/

 

Have you ever known someone whose sex life got better with their spouse for the remainder of their marriage?

 

Only when the H divorces his first W after a long and troubled marriage, and then marries a second time... to his AP from his first marriage. ;)

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Not to be a jerk about this - but - I honestly wonder about this stuff. When I was the sole breadwinner - there is no way I would have quit work. But my job really sucked - I mean it really sucked. Thing is it made 4 other peoples lives effortless and deligtful and that made me happy and willing to grind it out year after year.

 

But if my wife had gone into the I really do love you but I am not attracted to you anymore thing - I would have gone into the - ok - well sad for both of us but then lets rework how we do things. So for starters lets make sure we both have the same work week. And my goal is no longer to provide everyone a delightful lifestyle - my new goal is to retire as early as possible. So going forward other then the kids - all discretionary spend needs to be discussed. I mean I totally love you, I just don't feel the desire to be generous with my time - anymore. And that really is what this is. Every dollar we spend on fun stuff is more time I end up having to work before retirement. I promise to be the same fun, considerate nice guy I have always been - with the one exception being that we are now going to live on essentials. But hey I am not worried, I know you aren't just with me for my high salary. So I know you would never leave me over anything shallow and trivial like money.

 

Oh - and just so we are clear. I know you are thinking about getting a job so you can have discretionary income. But see we are going to have to discuss that - I mean sure you can get a job - but until you are paying your fair share of all our basic costs - it really wouldn't be fair for you to be able to use that as play money. Otherwise it feels like my money goes for everyone and yours goes just for you.

 

I know this will be difficult at first, but trust me you will get used to it. By the way I believe the financial equivalent of masturbation is going to the library for books and their very limited selection of dvds. Sorry that there is no equivalent for hair and clothing and vacations - well except I guess you can get some travelogue dvds at the library. Good thing too, cause I just disconnected the cable tv.

 

Love is a many dimensional thing.

 

So either fsck me and pretend to enjoy it or I'll make sure you subsist on ramen noodles and water ?

 

My ex husband's solution to this was divorce court, now he no longer has to listen to me asking for sex and he collects $2,750 per month in alimony, plus all medical in addition to 50% of all our stocks, mutual funds and 1/2 my retirement account.

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No. Because that isn't a good answer for anyone. But work on the problem like it is a real priority even if that is uncomfortable. Because the real issue in most of these situations is not a lack of desire - that happens on and off in most marriages. The real issue is the total blowoff of your partners needs as if they don't matter.

 

 

So either fsck me and pretend to enjoy it or I'll make sure you subsist on ramen noodles and water ?

 

My ex husband's solution to this was divorce court, now he no longer has to listen to me asking for sex and he collects $2,750 per month in alimony, plus all medical in addition to 50% of all our stocks, mutual funds and 1/2 my retirement account.

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No. Because that isn't a good answer for anyone. But work on the problem like it is a real priority even if that is uncomfortable. Because the real issue in most of these situations is not a lack of desire - that happens on and off in most marriages. The real issue is the total blowoff of your partners needs as if they don't matter.

 

And I'm here to tell you that once you get to the point where

one spouse is telling the other that the sex life is OVER because they love you ... but not in that way the marriage is over, done.

They don't have to make your sexual needs a "real priority" and if you attempt the move you've suggested the only one who's going to be

"uncomfortable" is the partner who desired intimacy.. he/she will now be homeless and forking over hefty amounts of court ordered

alimony and child support.

 

Btw, I can tell you from personal experience that attempting to limit a stay at home spouse's spending

due to lack of intimacy within the marriage is considered to be spousal abuse.

Edited by soserious1
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