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He loves me - so why don't I love him?


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Wandering Heart

I have been reading postings all morning and I cannot fathom what you will think of me or my story now that I'm writing.

 

There's no betrayal. There's no devastation. There's hardly any excitement. But here it is...

 

My fiancee and I have been together for 9 years. We met through a mutual friend, and he and I hit it off from the start. Best friends right away. He wanted to date, I wasn't feeling that way; but I was afraid of losing someone I understood so well, and loved so much (but wasn't really drawn to sexually). He didn't take my rejection well, and withdrew from me for a while. The absence of him in my life for those months was excruciating... I couldn't breathe without him near me. I was sure I couldn't have him far from me. I thought I was just afraid of something this big...

 

We began dating. I moved in. Both of those things happened quickly (mostly due to a bad apartment I was moving into with bugs - crashing with him was a short term solution that may have been my last independent move as a single person). It was good. We had a good relationship, if a little crazy - we were young, in our early (he was in mid) 20s - we partied, had fun, loved spending time together. We could finish each other's sentences from the first day. I love him, I still do.

 

Things got tough in years 3 and 4 - we were ready to split when he was diagnosed with a neurological disorder. He's in treatment, he will have a mostly normal life - potentially some problems when he's older - we were both scared, and clung desperately to each other. We've helped each other, it's been over 5 years since the diagnosis - the fear lingers - but only in moments. Generally we're just like everyone else; hopes, dreams, goals.....and we work so hard on "us." It's all we do...

 

He loves me. Not a little bit. This man LOVES me. More than anyone I've ever known - he's taught me what the meaning of love really is. He's tried to heal pain from my past, he's embraced me at my ugliest, he's taught me what unconditional love truly is by demonstrating it for me. I am humbled by his love. I am awed by it. I am embarassed that I may be taking advantage of it.

 

When we first were together, we had lots of great sex. Not because I was devastatingly attracted to him - mostly because it seemed right, or natural.... and I was curious. The sex (of course) is great. All he wants to do is please me. And he desires me no matter what my weight - my self-worth - anything...he just wants to be closer to me. To have me for his own. And he wants me to feel the same way for him. I enjoy sex, but have to talk myself into it each and every time. That's not like me - I had no previous aversion to it....

 

Our friends think we're perfect for each other. He tells me all the time everyone wishes they had what we have - loyalty, dedication, love...we're so lucky.

 

So why do I want out? How do I have the most perfect little relationship, with the most wonderful man, and no desire to make it happen? I do love him - he's amazing- different from me, and the same.... but never someone I looked to and thought with wonder, "He's mine." The physical connection is so lacking for me - I don't feel desire with him. At all. I am working so hard to 'get past it' somehow - it's impossible to have everything and nothing at once, isn't it? Can't I just get hypnotized and told to love him so I will feel the way I should? I can't tell you how many times I have wondered this to myself --- can't I somehow just direct myself to lust him, too?

 

So now the fear is back...the fear I felt at the start of the relationship...my life without him seems empty for sure - how COULD I ever find someone better for me than him? Who would love me as much as this man loves me? Who would want to make my world any better if not him. And what's WRONG with me for not feeling the same way about him? How can I love him so much - but not like THAT?

 

Oh - this is killing me. Nearly ten years and I still am lost.

 

What would you do? If you were me? If you were him? What would you want me to do? Let him go to find real happiness, instead of trying for this false reality I'm striving to achieve? He deserves to be loved like he loves - like he loves me.... I don't deserve him; that much I know. But how do I leave the thing that everyone believes they want so much themselves?

 

I can't seem to speak these words out loud. Even writing to strangers is so hard for me...my therapist (our therapist) adores him...I can't even speak the words to her.

 

What's wrong with me if I don't want the best thing in the world - that I already have? Can I get past this? Is it possible? Has anyone ever heard of something this absurd? I'd appreciate any feedback - I don't want to marry this man and commit him to a life of anything less than he deserves, but I fear that's where we're now headed....

 

I wish I could just tell myself to love him like that and solve this "problem." I wish I could read a self-help book that would solve this for me....tell me what steps to take to fix it. But I fear it cannot be fixed... and I have been trying so hard for so long.

 

And you all probably can't believe this is why I'm here...

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Ouch..This is a sad story..

 

You're in a tough spot - You love him but can't see a 'life' with him, him as your husband in every way..

 

You have to be honest, start with your therapist. The T is supposed to be neutral so if you find this T siding with him, change to another one.. Whether or not she adores him, that shouldn't stop her from helping you, reguardless of the outcome..

 

Let me ask, do you want to try to have passion with him? Or would it be easier to let go.. If there can be passion and intensity, could you see yourself married to him, having kids, building a life together?

 

To stay under these circumstances isn't fair to either of you..Even though it'll really hurt him to lose you, it's worse staying for the wrong reasons..

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I don't believe there will be an easy solution for you.

 

Your post is well written and you come across as bright - so I have to ask you - deep down - what are you hoping the outcome will be here?

 

Can you love/lust this man or not?

 

It's not your fault, it's not his fault - it's just how it is.

 

Sounds to me like he's more like a great friend too you not a lover. You owe it to him to let him know the truth. You owe it to yourself. You only live once.

 

Wishing you the best.

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Wandering Heart

I want to try to connect with him like this; I fear that I won't be able to if I haven't been able to do it so far?

 

He would be an amazing father. He's already an amazing partner. (He's not perfect, he's a bit of an underachiever, but only by my super-high standards - he works hard, does the right thing, thinks of us before him). He's so good to me (it's killing me that I'm not feeling the same way).

 

I know we would have a good life together (even if I don't sort this out, I know we could have most of what we wanted)...but I don't want him to only have part of it. He deserves more than just a token effort from me.

 

Perhaps I will try again with the therapist. I know so well what I have now; I fear starting all over again, trying again with someone else, someone who couldn't possibly love me so much as he does...

 

Can a spark be ignited? Is it even possible? If it's the only thing I'm missing.... should I just live without it? Am I over-emphasizing high school fantasies about love and the electricity that comes with it?

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I feel your pain. It is hard to love your partner for who they are and in every way but one...and an important one at that.

 

Was there ever a time in your ten years that you felt a little of what you hope to feel now? If not it will be very hard to make it come from nowhere...but I sense you want to give it a shot. If so start in therapy.

 

I can tell you that it would be a bad idea to marry him without resolving your ambivalence. It is not easy to not have that passion you seek from within a marriage.

 

Good luck to you. Like another poster said...there is nothing wrong with you...it is not your fault, or his...we are attracted to who we are attracted to.

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me.

 

Can a spark be ignited? Is it even possible? If it's the only thing I'm missing.... should I just live without it? Am I over-emphasizing high school fantasies about love and the electricity that comes with it?

 

All long term relationships have a natural ebb and flow. The chemical effects of the initial stages does wear off and you need to transition into a mature love. That will happen with anyone.

 

However, I wonder if you even had that initially? Have you been in other long term relationships where it was different?

 

The other thing I wonder is if you are ready to end it...but feel guilt because he is a great guy...and because of his neurological disorder. If that is the case...I think letting him go sooner rather than later would be the kindest option.

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Wandering Heart
All long term relationships have a natural ebb and flow. The chemical effects of the initial stages does wear off and you need to transition into a mature love. That will happen with anyone.

 

However, I wonder if you even had that initially? Have you been in other long term relationships where it was different?

 

The other thing I wonder is if you are ready to end it...but feel guilt because he is a great guy...and because of his neurological disorder. If that is the case...I think letting him go sooner rather than later would be the kindest option.

I wonder if letting go would be best too.

 

I never saw myself as weak; someone who would struggle with this. I've been swept off my feet before. The relationships always ended badly (I was so much younger!)... I note that my heart raced when there was a reason - he was often bad news in some way or another...

 

I never felt crazy about him, there were never sparks or butterflies or flips in my stomache - I feel only that my love has grown stronger as we've been together. I don't remember there ever being that "spark" necessarily - but I thought I'd found a different kind of love. We still had (have) a good sex life - when we have it (I'm less than willing now more than ever). Now I wonder if that is a lie I've been telling myself.

 

And you're too close for comfort on your closing line - he's a wonderful guy and I don't want him to think I'm leaving because of the diagnosis. He's so afraid it makes him less lovable - I don't want to be the one to "make that real" for him. It has nothing to do with the diagnosis...but I don't know if he'll ever be able to believe that himself.

 

The kindest option... maybe you're right. I don't want to be cruel to him. He deserves so much more.

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I wonder if letting go would be best too.

 

I never saw myself as weak; someone who would struggle with this. I've been swept off my feet before. The relationships always ended badly (I was so much younger!)... I note that my heart raced when there was a reason - he was often bad news in some way or another...

 

I never felt crazy about him, there were never sparks or butterflies or flips in my stomache - I feel only that my love has grown stronger as we've been together. I don't remember there ever being that "spark" necessarily - but I thought I'd found a different kind of love. We still had (have) a good sex life - when we have it (I'm less than willing now more than ever). Now I wonder if that is a lie I've been telling myself.

 

And you're too close for comfort on your closing line - he's a wonderful guy and I don't want him to think I'm leaving because of the diagnosis. He's so afraid it makes him less lovable - I don't want to be the one to "make that real" for him. It has nothing to do with the diagnosis...but I don't know if he'll ever be able to believe that himself.

 

The kindest option... maybe you're right. I don't want to be cruel to him. He deserves so much more.

 

Yes he deserves a lot...and so do you.

 

Whatever you do, make this decision based on you and not him. Is this what you want. It is not selfish...it is you making certain that you can be happy and be a complete partner for him.

 

I say this to you because I need to hear it as much as anyone. We shouldn't stay with someone just because we don't want to hurt them...or because we are afraid of being alone. We should stay because we want them. However, be sure that this is the case before you walk out the door.

 

I know how gut wrenching this must all be....take care.

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If you marry you will follow the standard trajectory of sexual aversion. You will "allow" him less and less sex, he will eventually react badly to that which will "worsen" the cycle. And it just spirals down in an awful way.

 

People talk about "mature" love - and they imply that in a mature relationship the "passion" becomes much more interpersonal and much less sexual. That is NOT true if you marry the right person. With the right person you can - if you both make the effort - have a sexually passionate relationship until the "end". You will NEVER have that with him and you know it.

 

Accept it and move on to avoid a situation where your sexual aversion to him - harms both of you.

 

 

 

 

Yes he deserves a lot...and so do you.

 

Whatever you do, make this decision based on you and not him. Is this what you want. It is not selfish...it is you making certain that you can be happy and be a complete partner for him.

 

I say this to you because I need to hear it as much as anyone. We shouldn't stay with someone just because we don't want to hurt them...or because we are afraid of being alone. We should stay because we want them. However, be sure that this is the case before you walk out the door.

 

I know how gut wrenching this must all be....take care.

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The difference between a friendship and a relationship is the physical stuff - and you've admitted that you don't have physical attraction to this guy, so all you really have is a friendship. The question is, is that enough for you?

 

What makes it harder is that he desires you, but you don't desire him, so you feel like your own lack of desire is the only problem standing in the way of you two having a perfect relationship. You love him deeply as a friend, and you think that everything would be perfect if only you could have physical feelings for him too... but you don't, and you never did, not really. When you first met him you refused to date him because you weren't feeling that attraction, and you only ended up dating him because you realised how much his friendship meant to you. You dated him as a means to secure his friendship, not because you felt a physical attraction to him.

 

Now as time has passed you're beginning to really feel the lack of a physical connection, but you can't pluck one out of thin air because it wasn't even there in the beginning. Earlier in the relationship you were able to muster up the enthusiasm for sex despite your lack of physical attraction to this guy, but it's becoming more and more difficult to maintain that, and your true feelings about not being attracted to him and not wanting sex with him are beginning to show.

 

Of course, physical attraction is overrated - the most attractive guy I ever met cheated on me and broke my heart, while less attractive guys were more loyal and loving. Physical attraction doesn't last into old age either, whereas friendship does. I'm not saying you should dump your fiance. What I am saying is that you need to think very carefully about whether you see him as a friend or as a lover, and whether you find him attractive at all and would actually want to have sex with him (and only him) for the next few decades. Are you going to miss the passion of physical attraction in your life, or would you be happy to settle for a strong emotional relationship and forego the hot sex and the butterflies in the tummy?

 

I've been in a similar situation before, and I decided to end the relationship and move on. The guy in question was my best friend, I loved him as a person, but there was no physical attraction whatsoever and I never really wanted sex with him - as time passed I actually began to feel repulsed at the thought of having any sexual contact with him. I was worried that the lack of sex would mean we'd never have kids, and our sexless relationship wasn't exactly healthy, plus he wanted sex and wasn't going to remain celibate forever while I made every excuse under the sun.

 

The reason it took me so long to end the relationship was because I truly loved and needed him as a friend, but in the end I had to admit that I wasn't actually attracted to him - it wasn't fair on him, and I couldn't go the rest of my life without sex and physical fulfilment. The problem was, you see, I still felt sexual attraction to other men - I just didn't feel it for him, and I couldn't live in a passionless relationship for the rest of my life.

 

Perhaps with some counselling and/or therapy you might be able to awaken a physical attraction for your fiance, or you might be willing to live without it because the rest of the relationship is so good. The question is this: Do you have those feelings for other men but not for him? (even if you're attracted to hot guys on tv, the point still stands, because you're capable of feeling sexual attraction but your man isn't capable of causing it in you). Also: Are you willing to have sex with him even if you don't want to, in order to keep the rest of the relationship going? You have a lot of thinking to do; good luck :)

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I think you've been rather selfish... sexual attraction will never just "appear" one day... you are either attracted to a person or you are not. You aren't and you knew this from the beginning. Why you started dating, I don't really know. I think you should break up with him. He deserves someone who truely loves him, not a "friend"...

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Toodamnpragmatic

This is the second post that follows the same script. We were friends, he pursued me and I did not want to lose him. Now I have to muster up the desire for sex.

 

This seems a sad situation that needs honesty and deep introspection. You need to see a therapist on your own and figure out why you feel this way. Why as you admitted you have been attracted to "bad boys" who've treated you badly. Is this a pattern you have perpetuated through your upbringing (which you have stated he has helped you through)?

 

You also state you almost broke up, but only returned because of his diagnosis. If he was so perfect, his love and devotion undying, why did that almost happen?

 

You need counseling and I wish you luck.

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You need counseling and I wish you luck.

 

A lot of luck! So, she gets some counselling and all of a sudden she fancy the pants off him? I very much doubt it... this is a fundamental flaw in the relationship. She has stated that she is not attracted to him in the least and she can't even begin to fathom the thought of having kids with him. This is a receipe for a disaster... she should let him go.

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Toodamnpragmatic
A lot of luck! So, she gets some counselling and all of a sudden she fancy the pants off him? I very much doubt it... this is a fundamental flaw in the relationship. She has stated that she is not attracted to him in the least and she can't even begin to fathom the thought of having kids with him. This is a receipe for a disaster... she should let him go.

 

Maybe you're right.... What do I know. I guess I hope she get's an understanding of her relationship with him, men in general and what she wants in life.

 

As said it seems a recipe for disaster if you are not sexually attracted to your partner from day one. Again this is another person who says she was not attracted from day one, and never says she was since.

 

Interesting though I think she is very conflicted, as what she calls a friendship was so strong, it physically hurt to be apart. That to me sounds like love, even if she doesn't understand it.

 

I have childhood and close friends, none of whom I feel physical hurt to be apart from.

 

Maybe, like James she needs a booty call or to find a lover to fill in that gap and stay with him.

 

Not saying it is right, but may be right for her.

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One thing I'd like to point out here is this: the positive things you mention about this man are things that many women would kill to have. Sure, sex is nice; but I don't know many couples who continue to have mind-blowing, constant sex years into a marriage.

 

I am learning as I get older the things that matter are dependability, knowing your partner is there to help shoulder the load of a family; trust, knowing your partner will come home to you every night; kindness, understanding that you will be considerate even when you fight (no emotional or verbal abuse).

 

I agree you should be seeing an individual therapist to work through these issues -- your relationship therapist cannot help you one-on-one without potentially breaking confidentiality or developing biases.

 

Don't be one of those women who throws away a wonderful man b/c she believes in some fairy tale sparks or butterflies that don't really exist.

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well, I think it all boils down to how important sex is for our wonderful man... I quote:

 

 

I never felt crazy about him, there were never sparks or butterflies or flips in my stomache - I feel only that my love has grown stronger as we've been together. I don't remember there ever being that "spark" necessarily - but I thought I'd found a different kind of love. We still had (have) a good sex life - when we have it (I'm less than willing now more than ever). Now I wonder if that is a lie I've been telling myself.

 

 

I'm less than willing now more than ever? You also say that you have to talk youserlf into it... So, this sex thing is going to get worse, isn't it? Would you be able to have children with him? Would you be able to give him sex for the rest of your lives? You will end up being sexually repulsed by him. How is he going to take that? Is it fair on him?

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I think you've been rather selfish... sexual attraction will never just "appear" one day... you are either attracted to a person or you are not. You aren't and you knew this from the beginning. Why you started dating, I don't really know. I think you should break up with him. He deserves someone who truely loves him, not a "friend"...

 

Ugh, I'm sorry, but I hate it when people say this. Look, there are a lot of people who get into relationships when sparks never flew in the first place. I can totally relate to Wandering Heart. My husband is so wonderful in so many other ways and I distinctly recall telling myself, "Well, you can't have it all..." Our sex was fine but I was missing that passion from the beginning and I made the best decision I knew how to at the time. Only after a lot of introspection do I understand how important that element of a relationship is to me.

 

You don't understand why she started dating someone that she didn't have a strong sexual attraction to?

 

Well, I don't understand why people start dating people who are addicted, not nice, abusive, destitute, etc., but it happens all the time. Just because something seems like a deal-breaker to you from the very beginning does not make it true for everybody.

 

Wandering Heart, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I, personally, have decided that I cannot be happy in a relationship that is missing that element... to the point that I would rather be alone than pretend. It's not fair to me and sooo not fair to my husband. He deserves to be with somebody who wants him in that way. I wish you clarity and peace with whatever decision you make.

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Toodamnpragmatic
Ugh, I'm sorry, but I hate it when people say this. Look, there are a lot of people who get into relationships when sparks never flew in the first place. I can totally relate to Wandering Heart. My husband is so wonderful in so many other ways and I distinctly recall telling myself, "Well, you can't have it all..." Our sex was fine but I was missing that passion from the beginning and I made the best decision I knew how to at the time. Only after a lot of introspection do I understand how important that element of a relationship is to me.

 

You don't understand why she started dating someone that she didn't have a strong sexual attraction to?

 

Well, I don't understand why people start dating people who are addicted, not nice, abusive, destitute, etc., but it happens all the time. Just because something seems like a deal-breaker to you from the very beginning does not make it true for everybody.

 

Wandering Heart, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I, personally, have decided that I cannot be happy in a relationship that is missing that element... to the point that I would rather be alone than pretend. It's not fair to me and sooo not fair to my husband. He deserves to be with somebody who wants him in that way. I wish you clarity and peace with whatever decision you make.

 

 

Again I ask what is passion and what have you done to ignite that passion in the two of you? Is it something lacking in you or your husband. I read these posts and often wonder if it is the women not being assertive, initiating sex, showing him a book or sharing fantasies.

 

Maybe I am wrong, but please enlighten me. Was it always vanilla, is it not enough, does he not initiate, same positions with out you being aggressive at all, passion missing in the afternoon, dirty texts, sexting???? Just don't know what your expectations are. A woman can do almost anything sexual to a man and most will respond positively. A man does/tries something a woman finds inappropriate or objectionable and the moment it lost.

 

Please don't read this as negative, just not sure what you are saying/expecting or the OP when it comes to sex.....

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Toodamnpragmatic, this is not about sex. Anybody can have sex with anybody. I'm totally not trying to be a smarty pants, here, but are you being serious when you ask "what is passion?" What I'm talking about is a sexual chemistry - the spark that OP referred to. For me, it's the feeling of having butterflies in your stomach (in the beginning, at least) and having a desire to touch, kiss, hold hands with, or otherwise love on your partner. I can't explain to you why that can't be "ignited" if it was never there to begin with - but it can't. All I was trying to get across is that people do get married without both partners being hot for one another and to question why someone would do that is a little closed-minded.

 

Now, I didn't come to this realization about my own relationship until other problems started to show themselves, don't get me wrong. Our sex was fine and physically satisfying (most people with a basic knowledge of human reproductive parts and a desire to please their partner can accomplish the physical satisfaction part), but I was never really sexually attracted to him. It is simply one of a host of (my) problems that are not his fault. But as the marriage has deteriorated, there is nothing to build on. Sometimes, that connection is all that people have left in common to begin rebuilding a relationship. For me, there is and never was that yearning for him so why, when everything else is so wrong, would I want to reach out sexually to someone I feel no chemistry with.

 

Did that help at all? :( I really find this so challenging to explain...

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What would you do? If you were me? If you were him? What would you want me to do? Let him go to find real happiness, instead of trying for this false reality I'm striving to achieve? He deserves to be loved like he loves - like he loves me....I don't deserve him; that much I know. But how do I leave the thing that everyone believes they want so much themselves?

 

The bolded part would be my focus in therapy. Examine myself and my psychology for the keys within myself which promoted this unhealthy relationship and which allow it to continue. The answer is not sex, not attraction and not him. The answer is within you :)

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Prarie, I totally get what you are saying, this is not about sex, this is about a certain 'dynamic' between two people that just happens, it cannot be learnt, nor can a spark be ignited if it were never there to begin with.

The question is here, what is your deal breaker? You cannot have everything in a relationship, there is always a sacrifice of some description to be found somewhere, not all the boxes can be ticked - it is if you are able to live with the boxes that are not.

I agree that therapy is a good idea, and as Carhill says, the answer lies within you. Although, I would say that therapy as means to this particular problem (as opposed to individual therapy) will not solve your lack of sexual attraction to you partner, merely help you to live with the fact that you are not attracted.

There is a blessing within your original post however. You are not married to him. This, as you say, is where you are headed. Please do not marry him with these doubts & concerns - or you will end up writing the post that I have been meaning to write on here for months now.....

I will end with a question. Have you voiced your concerns (other than on here) to him or someone close to you - or is this an internal struggle?

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Ugh, I'm sorry, but I hate it when people say this. Look, there are a lot of people who get into relationships when sparks never flew in the first place. I can totally relate to Wandering Heart. My husband is so wonderful in so many other ways and I distinctly recall telling myself, "Well, you can't have it all..." Our sex was fine but I was missing that passion from the beginning and I made the best decision I knew how to at the time. Only after a lot of introspection do I understand how important that element of a relationship is to me.

 

You don't understand why she started dating someone that she didn't have a strong sexual attraction to?

 

Well, I don't understand why people start dating people who are addicted, not nice, abusive, destitute, etc., but it happens all the time. Just because something seems like a deal-breaker to you from the very beginning does not make it true for everybody.

 

Wandering Heart, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I, personally, have decided that I cannot be happy in a relationship that is missing that element... to the point that I would rather be alone than pretend. It's not fair to me and sooo not fair to my husband. He deserves to be with somebody who wants him in that way. I wish you clarity and peace with whatever decision you make.

 

then people are getting in a relationship for the wrong - selfish - reasons...

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I would say that therapy as means to this particular problem (as opposed to individual therapy) will not solve your lack of sexual attraction to you partner, merely help you to live with the fact that you are not attracted.

 

I agree, and, further, submit that therapy will help the OP find within herself the impetuses for allowing this nine year relationship to mature and continue and thus help her approach future relationships in a healthier manner. I have no doubt this one is done; bluntly, it's the ego feeding she's receiving from his love and attraction that is keeping her there. That's part of what she needs to work on in therapy. Good luck :)

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Again I ask what is passion and what have you done to ignite that passion in the two of you? Is it something lacking in you or your husband. I read these posts and often wonder if it is the women not being assertive, initiating sex, showing him a book or sharing fantasies.

 

Maybe I am wrong, but please enlighten me. Was it always vanilla, is it not enough, does he not initiate, same positions with out you being aggressive at all, passion missing in the afternoon, dirty texts, sexting???? Just don't know what your expectations are. A woman can do almost anything sexual to a man and most will respond positively. A man does/tries something a woman finds inappropriate or objectionable and the moment it lost.

 

Please don't read this as negative, just not sure what you are saying/expecting or the OP when it comes to sex.....

 

Everyone has pretty much the same body parts, and anyone can do the mechanical movements that lead to an orgasm for their partner or themselves. Anyone can do certain positions, be encouraged to initiate more often, send dirty texts... none of those things are what passion amd attraction are about.

 

Think of it this way: Think of the most unattractive woman you possibly can. Maybe she's sweaty and hairy and ugly, or maybe she's 80 with whiskers and no teeth, or maybe you just don't like her as a person. Would you enjoy having sex with her? Why not, when she has the same body parts as any other female and can do the same positions? The fact is, people are attracted to some people and not others, and it has nothing to do with things like what positions they do or whether they send dirty texts.

 

You can adore someone as a friend and like their personality, but still not find them physically attractive. Then, thinking of yourself as non-shallow you start a relationship with the person because you like their personality and you think that physical attraction is overrated. Eventually you have to admit that you don't really find the person physically attractive and you were just pretending because you liked their personality and you hoped the other stuff would grow with time, which it very rarely does. I don't know why people fancy some people and not others, but I do know that if you don't fancy someone then sex with them isn't particularly fulfilling - it becomes a mechanical exercise with no passion or desire or butterflies in the tummy.

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