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You're being financially responsible but she thinks you're being stingy


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Let's say you're the primary breadwinner in the household and are the one who is better with numbers when it comes to balancing the budget. Your spouse wants certain things that cost money, but you can't justify the expense of them because buying these things would cause you to exceed your monthly budget. It might be some fancy jewelry; It might be a trip to Cancun; It might be a shopping spree at Nordstrom; But you know the budget and you know it wouldn't be wise to take on these expenses. You explain this to your spouse, but she gets angry with you and insists that the problem is with you being stingy, cheap and inconsiderate.

 

I've had friends tell me they've dealt with this and now I'm dealing with it. I'm curious how others deal with it.

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Is she reasonable enough to sit down with you and go over the details of your budget so you can show her in hard numbers why over-spending (especially right now given the economics of the time) isn't a particularly good idea?

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Is she reasonable enough to sit down with you and go over the details of your budget so you can show her in hard numbers why over-spending (especially right now given the economics of the time) isn't a particularly good idea?
I agree with this advice, since she has no idea how your budget is structured, since you control all the finances.

 

It's like putting you in front of a stove and telling you to make lobster risotto with no recipe. You can figure it out, can't you? ;)

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Also, get rid of your television and internet. The media is driving your woman to believe she needs and deserves all of these material goods in order to achieve happiness.

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Chrome Barracuda
Let's say you're the primary breadwinner in the household and are the one who is better with numbers when it comes to balancing the budget. Your spouse wants certain things that cost money, but you can't justify the expense of them because buying these things would cause you to exceed your monthly budget. It might be some fancy jewelry; It might be a trip to Cancun; It might be a shopping spree at Nordstrom; But you know the budget and you know it wouldn't be wise to take on these expenses. You explain this to your spouse, but she gets angry with you and insists that the problem is with you being stingy, cheap and inconsiderate.

 

I've had friends tell me they've dealt with this and now I'm dealing with it. I'm curious how others deal with it.

 

LMAO I get this all the time! women call me cheap I call it being frugal. We in a recession money doesnt grow on trees we got to save everything we get...

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I fought this battle and lost after my children were born. My ex was a stay at home mom.. I brought home the income Due to the nature of my business I brought home enough 9 months out of 10 and ten times what was needed three months a year. Sounds great eh? I took the cowards way out. I allowed her to handle the finances.

 

We were always near broke. The only thing that I remember vividly is bringing home a $5000 bonus one Sept. Going to work a day later and coming home to a 3,000 Ethan Allen dining table sitting in our "formal dining nook". I controled my anger not my astonishment. Luckily the kids were tiny, we all fit (sort of) if you put the leaves in it extended 4 feet into the living room. I suppose it was a good investment. She still has it.

 

Nobody accused me of being stingy. I had $20.00 spending money, she controlled the rest. No credit cards for me either back then (30 years ago).

 

On divorce day she wiped me out. Left me with $334.00, and an overdrawn checking account.

 

I won't make that mistake again. Never.

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Lakeside, your story and also the opening posters concerns, illustrate why it's never a good idea for one person to make all the financial decisions and solely control the finances.

 

In the opening posters situation, his wife has and had no idea what it takes to get to financial security, since it was all taken care of, possibly "for her own good" but who's to say...

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I have one friend who showed his wife the stuff they "had" to spend every month. Then he showed her how much "flex" there was in the grocery/clothing/consumer products spending. Meaning if they really made the effort, bought more generic etc, they could squeeze some extra money out of those areas. Then they agreed to set aside a fixed additional amount for each of them for "fun" stuff. It was understood that they could spend that "fun budget" on anything they wanted, and they could also save it for bigger things. His wife did not like the amount of the "fun budget", said it was too small. He said she could more then double it if she made the effort on the "flex" parts of the budget and that it was her choice to do that or not.

 

She still goes over budget a little and they squabble about it when it happens. But they don't have as much friction about this as before.

 

He truly believes that her unspoken view is that if he really loved her he would find a way to make more money - maybe even get a second job - so she could have what she "deserves".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let's say you're the primary breadwinner in the household and are the one who is better with numbers when it comes to balancing the budget. Your spouse wants certain things that cost money, but you can't justify the expense of them because buying these things would cause you to exceed your monthly budget. It might be some fancy jewelry; It might be a trip to Cancun; It might be a shopping spree at Nordstrom; But you know the budget and you know it wouldn't be wise to take on these expenses. You explain this to your spouse, but she gets angry with you and insists that the problem is with you being stingy, cheap and inconsiderate.

 

I've had friends tell me they've dealt with this and now I'm dealing with it. I'm curious how others deal with it.

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Lakeside, your story and also the opening posters concerns, illustrate why it's never a good idea for one person to make all the financial decisions and solely control the finances.
This is absolutely true.

 

Even if there's 100% trust between the partners and there's not a problem about one's spending habits, imagine what can happen if partner who's responsible for the finances suddenly gets hit by a bus or kidnapped by aliens or gets lost in the Adirondack mountains. Then what happens? The other spouse may have no idea as to what bills are due, when they're due and may not have any clue as to how to manage a budget. Years, even decades, of good credit can be wiped out in just a few months simply because the person just isn't clued in on how home finances work, or how to access the accounts online.

 

It's not just an issue of trust or responsible spending (though that's a big part of it), it's also about plain common sense.

 

Common sense... how I miss thee!

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TBF, I should have continued that my tactic was the only way to have a happy marriage, (or so I thought)... we it lasted 25 years.

 

My ex had a hard time adjusting from birthing two kids close together. It took her nearly a year after the second one to begin feeing good. It was a difficult time (as it often is) after kids. I assumed she needed to "spend" to bolster her self esteem. I was correct. It just never moved back to normalcy.

 

Unlike many lately my story isn't one of "not getting enought". When my wife was reasonably happy I lived in a land of pleanty. She was a high energy lover. When she got her way I was awash in positive reinforcement.

 

I'm still trying to break my spending habits of 25 year marriage. Spending and gifting way to much. I've come a long way in the last year though. Thank gawd! Couldn't happen at a better time.

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Just wanted to add - often times, at least in my house..

 

the arguments ensue because we have different priorities.

For example, my H thinks vacations are more important than I do.

I on the other hand, think that my life will be much improved if we buy a new couch.

 

If he books an expensive vacation, hey he takes care of the bills.

But if I buy a new couch, Ive gone over budget.

 

Its not the money, its the priorities.

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When my man is prudent with finances and does not put us in a bad situation by spending extravagantly, I respect him more. I loved that one of my exes, when we were both feeling pinched, would suggest that we spring for a reasonably priced equivalent of whatever we wanted -- like a $30 dinner out instead of a $100 one. :)

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My wife is a strong saver so when she does want to buy something I just smile and nod. And if we had to choose between my want or her want it is a no brainer, we do what she wants. It has pretty much always been that way and I am fine with that. This year, income is way down so neither of our wants will happen, and we are both fine with that.

 

It is important to us to live in a safe neighborhood with very good public schools. That each child has their own bedroom. That we provide them with any type "lessons" they wish. That the house is mostly clean and tidy, and that we have broadband access. Other then that we don't care about our physical environment very much. Material possesions (other then ipods) are overrated IMO.

 

 

 

 

Just wanted to add - often times, at least in my house..

 

the arguments ensue because we have different priorities.

For example, my H thinks vacations are more important than I do.

I on the other hand, think that my life will be much improved if we buy a new couch.

 

If he books an expensive vacation, hey he takes care of the bills.

But if I buy a new couch, Ive gone over budget.

 

Its not the money, its the priorities.

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Yes, It would be awful to argue over the basic necessities of shelter, safety, education, or food. Two people definitely have to have those priorities in common regardless of your discretionary income.

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TBF, I should have continued that my tactic was the only way to have a happy marriage, (or so I thought)... we it lasted 25 years.

 

My ex had a hard time adjusting from birthing two kids close together. It took her nearly a year after the second one to begin feeing good. It was a difficult time (as it often is) after kids. I assumed she needed to "spend" to bolster her self esteem. I was correct. It just never moved back to normalcy.

 

Unlike many lately my story isn't one of "not getting enought". When my wife was reasonably happy I lived in a land of pleanty. She was a high energy lover. When she got her way I was awash in positive reinforcement.

 

I'm still trying to break my spending habits of 25 year marriage. Spending and gifting way to much. I've come a long way in the last year though. Thank gawd! Couldn't happen at a better time.

Yes it does illustrate a red flag. Other red flags are prioritizational differences, such as what 2sure mentions. For example financial security for retirement, IMO, should be one of the main goals in everyone's life. Sure, life's too short to only think of the future but if one is a short-term thinker, whereby the other is a long-term thinker, you're also going to fight a lot about finances. Relationship compatibility is key, within a functional marriage. The more "i"s you dot and "t"s you cross, can make a marriage more smooth sailing.

 

With all this in mind, Gerhard, what are you saving for or are you spending money on different things, things she considers to be unimportant, like a motorcycle, performance car or fishing tackle for self?

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Just wanted to add - often times, at least in my house..

the arguments ensue because we have different priorities.

For example, my H thinks vacations are more important than I do.

I on the other hand, think that my life will be much improved if we buy a new couch.

 

If he books an expensive vacation, hey he takes care of the bills.

But if I buy a new couch, Ive gone over budget.

 

Its not the money, its the priorities.

 

I agree. BF and I don't argue or have any issues, really, over money... but it's clear that we have different priorities when it comes to spending our own discretionary (i.e., non-couple) income.

 

He thinks high-end travel and possession of fancy firearms he'll never use is critical.

 

I, on the other hand, think the house needs a new coat of paint, and we still don't have a dining room table.

 

He balks at the electricity bill, but thinks nothing of buying me another watch the moment I lose mine (which was an expensive gift from him). He'll spend a grip of money on ski gear, but not a dime on his vehicle. I'm exactly the opposite.

 

At the end of the day though, he allows me my priorities, as I do his. He gets his first class ticket, and I get the dining room table... the compromise works out perfectly. And the important stuff - like saving for retirement, saving for children, saving for and amount to spend on real estate, etc., and NEVER using credit if at all possible - we agree on 100%.

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Let's say you're the primary breadwinner in the household and are the one who is better with numbers when it comes to balancing the budget. Your spouse wants certain things that cost money, but you can't justify the expense of them because buying these things would cause you to exceed your monthly budget. It might be some fancy jewelry; It might be a trip to Cancun; It might be a shopping spree at Nordstrom; But you know the budget and you know it wouldn't be wise to take on these expenses. You explain this to your spouse, but she gets angry with you and insists that the problem is with you being stingy, cheap and inconsiderate.

 

I've had friends tell me they've dealt with this and now I'm dealing with it. I'm curious how others deal with it.

 

All your spouse sees is that she wants things and you're refusing to buy them. She doesn't know how the budget works, or how much money is left over after expenses, etc... she doesn't know what you can and can't afford. She's probably somewhat annoyed that you handle everything and you get to allow or deny her purchases as if she were a child.... you may not be able to justify the expense, but maybe she can, because you have different priorities.

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I was thinking about this scenario a bit more. Without due knowledge of your marital finances, has your wife ever been given the impression that your finances exceed what they do? Sometimes men do this, through pride of earning power.

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This is absolutely true.

 

Even if there's 100% trust between the partners and there's not a problem about one's spending habits, imagine what can happen if partner who's responsible for the finances suddenly gets hit by a bus or kidnapped by aliens or gets lost in the Adirondack mountains. Then what happens? The other spouse may have no idea as to what bills are due, when they're due and may not have any clue as to how to manage a budget. Years, even decades, of good credit can be wiped out in just a few months simply because the person just isn't clued in on how home finances work, or how to access the accounts online.

 

It's not just an issue of trust or responsible spending (though that's a big part of it), it's also about plain common sense.

 

Common sense... how I miss thee!

There's a big difference between giving the spouse joint control over the budget and giving her information about who to pay in the event she unexpectedly needs to take over.

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Just wanted to add - often times, at least in my house..

 

the arguments ensue because we have different priorities.

For example, my H thinks vacations are more important than I do.

I on the other hand, think that my life will be much improved if we buy a new couch.

 

If he books an expensive vacation, hey he takes care of the bills.

But if I buy a new couch, Ive gone over budget.

 

Its not the money, its the priorities.

I know it was just an illustration, but unless you were disabled or had no desire to see the world, then it would be very easy to make a case for spending $$$ on vacations instead of a new couch. Then again, I haven't seen your couch and I don't know where your husband wants to go on vacation.

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I assumed she needed to "spend" to bolster her self esteem. I was correct. It just never moved back to normalcy.

 

If a woman (or man) has to spend to bolster their self esteem, it would make far more sense to address the issue with the self esteem rather than look for additional streams of income or to cut back in other areas. After you have more income or have cut back in other areas, the issue of spending will still be there.

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For example financial security for retirement, IMO, should be one of the main goals in everyone's life. Sure, life's too short to only think of the future but if one is a short-term thinker, whereby the other is a long-term thinker, you're also going to fight a lot about finances.

Let's say you're in charge of ensuring you put away enough each month for retirement. Your wife wants to spend excessively to the point that you'd have to stop putting money into retirement to accommodate her. If you give her the money, you're not looking out for the interests of yours & her future. If you don't give her the money, you become "stingy".

 

With all this in mind, Gerhard, what are you saving for or are you spending money on different things, things she considers to be unimportant, like a motorcycle, performance car or fishing tackle for self?

Her complaints aren't that I'm spending on things she deems unnecessary, as I'm fairly conservative with money. The complaints lie in that I'm not buying her as much as I bought for my first wife and that I'm not getting her other things she wants, but doesn't need. She fails to see that I'm very generous with respect to what percentage of excess budget she gets.

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Quite frankly, the only stable solution to this dilemma i see in present day is a spouse who makes her own money. This will not eliminate the money disagreements, but at least will make it easier to put true price tag on "wants". As in "honey, we need to work 50 hours each in order to get that table". I bet that woud damp her enthusiasm at least a bit. I would have no patience for stay at home mom giving me hard time about not byuing her enough stuff. I agree with the posters that say that he invites her to take care of the budget and involve her in the decisions about prioritising money. But just trying to come up with more money is not a good strategy.

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We were always near broke. The only thing that I remember vividly is bringing home a $5000 bonus one Sept. Going to work a day later and coming home to a 3,000 Ethan Allen dining table sitting in our "formal dining nook". I controled my anger not my astonishment. Luckily the kids were tiny, we all fit (sort of) if you put the leaves in it extended 4 feet into the living room. I suppose it was a good investment. She still has it.

 

Nobody accused me of being stingy. I had $20.00 spending money, she controlled the rest. No credit cards for me either back then (30 years ago).

 

On divorce day she wiped me out. Left me with $334.00, and an overdrawn checking account.

 

I won't make that mistake again. Never.

 

Not to hijack the thread, but how is it even possible? *You* earned the money, and even in the worst divorce scenario she should have left with no more than 50% of the assets (and dining tables :sick::sick::sick:).

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OP, I'll share something with you. While we were married, my wife was always broke (or so she said). She earned more than I did and I paid the big household expenses (mortgage, utilities, insurance, etc). Funnily, now that we're separated and getting a divorce and she owns her own house, she magically has all this money. Every time I think of that dynamic, I punch myself right in the face. Like you, I was known as less than generous. The household books were completely open. My stbx was disclosed and involved in every financial aspect of my business and our lives together.

 

Tip: It's not about the money :)

 

It'll take a lot of woman to get by the current boundary I have on this issue. I wish them well ;)

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