Gerhard Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 My wife dropped a bombshell on me just the other day. We're going on vacation later this year and will be in an area close to where my wife's ex-boyfriend lives & works. She has expressed interested in visiting him, and I have told her no. She insists that we will visit together and that we will stay no longer than 5 or 10 minutes - "just long enough to see his face". She has sensed to me that it is her way of showing to him that she is over it. I feel in no way is this an appropriate thing to do. However, given my wife's behavior patterns, she'll make the vacation unpleasant if we are that close and I don't allow her to visit. So I'm giving thought to cancelling our vacation and going somewhere entirely different instead. But something I find very ironic about this is that my wife has been overly insistent that I have nothing to do with my ex-wife. (I don't want to have anything to do with my ex-wife). She's gone to the extent of calling my ex-wife and putting the phone to my ear to force me to talk to her and has bullied me into throwing away momentos, souvenir collectibles and old photos from the days I was with my ex-wife. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Yeah, a psyche eval wouldn't hurt. I'll call it projection, but perhaps others can explain in more concrete terms. IMO, it's not healthy, at all. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 She insists that we will visit together and that we will stay no longer than 5 or 10 minutes - "just long enough to see his face". She has sensed to me that it is her way of showing to him that she is over it. No. First, its an insulting waste of your time. A visit of 5-10 minutes is not catching up with a friend, it is only to prove or show something. She either, like you suggest - wants to show him she is over it (which screams she is not) OR wants to show you off (sounds good but she wants to make him envious WHY?) or she wants to show him what he is missing out on. (again-??). This is crap. NO. Tell her to grow up. If she is going to nag you about this while you are on vacation - do an activity by yourself without her and tell her she is welcome to join you when she can act like a wife. Link to post Share on other sites
foreal Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 If she was 'over it' she wouldn't have a need to see him for 5 seconds. You say she bullied you before? Well hello, here she is again showing you who she is...BELIEVE HER. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 She insists that we will visit together and that we will stay no longer than 5 or 10 minutes - "just long enough to see his face". She has sensed to me that it is her way of showing to him that she is over it. No. First, its an insulting waste of your time. A visit of 5-10 minutes is not catching up with a friend, it is only to prove or show something. She either, like you suggest - wants to show him she is over it (which screams she is not) OR wants to show you off (sounds good but she wants to make him envious WHY?) or she wants to show him what he is missing out on. (again-??). I agree... no significant catching up can be done in 5 mins, she just wants to prove something to her ex or rub his nose in it, and it's not a good thing. I'd suggest refusing to visit him, or at least refusing to accompany her... tbh I'd be inclined to say she can't visit him either, because she's married to you so why would she need to see her ex anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 A married woman who has to go see a man who's had sex with her is being utterly disrespectful of you and her marriage vow. I would not even acquiesce to this. I also agree, change the vacation location or just cancel it and use the money on a good shrink. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Yeah, a psyche eval wouldn't hurt. I'll call it projection, but perhaps others can explain in more concrete terms. IMO, it's not healthy, at all. I doubt it would help either. This gal is seriuosly warped. Time to do some relationship soul searching. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I would normally not find such a request inappropriate or disrespectful, but given the way she acted towards your ex wife... it would mean a double standard. Just to be sure I got the picture right... when she was being so jealous towards your ex wife, was the ex W already out of the picture? Or were you occasionally still hearing from her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gerhard Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 I would normally not find such a request inappropriate or disrespectful, but given the way she acted towards your ex wife... it would mean a double standard. Just to be sure I got the picture right... when she was being so jealous towards your ex wife, was the ex W already out of the picture? Or were you occasionally still hearing from her? Yes, the ex-wife was out of the picture and I was never contacting her. However, I never told the ex-wife that I was remarried and to no longer contact me. Why? Because the ex-wife was only contacting me once or twice a year and I thought my current wife was mature enough to handle it if for some reason she did contact me. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Yes, the ex-wife was out of the picture and I was never contacting her. However, I never told the ex-wife that I was remarried and to no longer contact me. Why? Because the ex-wife was only contacting me once or twice a year and I thought my current wife was mature enough to handle it if for some reason she did contact me. I personally would have reacted the same as your wife... and I find (just my opinion) such a behaviour more inappropriate than your W's request. At least you have some ground for compromising: if you are so unconfortable with the idea you can ask her to please take in consideration that you agreed to her requests about her W. Do you think you could do this in a nice and loving way without turning it into a nasty argument? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gerhard Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 I personally would have reacted the same as your wife... and I find (just my opinion) such a behaviour more inappropriate than your W's request. At least you have some ground for compromising: if you are so unconfortable with the idea you can ask her to please take in consideration that you agreed to her requests about her W. Do you think you could do this in a nice and loving way without turning it into a nasty argument? I think you're raising a good point. On the other hand, I never made any compromises with respect to having contact with my ex-wife. I didn't want to have any contact with her and my current wife knew that from the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Cupcakes Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 No offense, but your wife is a nutcase and mental therapy may be the only way to help the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
KikiW Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Ok, I am one of those women that actually stays friendly with a couple of her former flames. I might certainly be one to suggest getting together with an ex-boyfriend while passing through town, because I keep in general touch through Facebook or whatever. But every person who has posted here is right - she is being ridiculous. I would never tell my boyfriend he wasn't allowed to have contact with an ex, then insist on seeing an ex of mine for 5-10 minutes. It's completely hypocritical. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Cupcakes Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 I don't get it? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 She holds his nuts? Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Cupcakes Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 LOL :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 I think you're raising a good point. On the other hand, I never made any compromises with respect to having contact with my ex-wife. I didn't want to have any contact with her and my current wife knew that from the beginning. I guess she felt 'lied to' when you took your ex's W phone calls after stating that you did not want any contact with her. Usually if someone hears "I want no contact with my ex" that includes refusing his/her calls... and/or telling them not to call again. Also, not telling an ex that you remarried if you still have contact would be a *huge* red flag to most people. I am not criticizing you, it's just that I think your W's behaviour is actually quite normal and I find it unfair that she is being called a nutcase by other posters. I can very well see why you do not want to catch up with her ex...but if she has not been in contact with him asking you to come with her to see him for a few minutes is not a lack of respect IMO... Also, this is a bit of a far fetched idea, but what if this was related to your ex wife's issue in a way? what if she feels like showing you "look, I want my ex to see me with you and know I am married to you and I am happy!"...in other words she is doing what she would have liked you to do with her ex at the time? Anyway I hope you can sort this out. I think that a "Look, I believe that wanting to see him is innocent and you mean no lack of respect to me, but i would feel bad/unconfortable/upset about it. I guess I feel like you did with my ex" kind of approach would be your best chance to avoid the situation...just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 She insists that we will visit together and that we will stay no longer than 5 or 10 minutes - "just long enough to see his face". WTF. This makes NO SENSE to me. Something is very wrong..Talk to your wife, seriously because I've never heard of anyone wanting to do this.. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 what is she trying to prove? To you, to him? My guess that it's proving to herself that she is going to manipulate you to suit her needs on something as stupid as this. No way in hell would I insist that my husband go out of his way to meet an ex of mine – he did that to me once, and it hurt like hell. frankly, I'd tell her that I'm not interested in meeting him, and that you don't appreciate her playing these kinds of mindgames, that there's no room for them in y'alls marriage. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gerhard Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 I told her "no" again and let her know that wouldn't change. She hasn't brought it up again. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 I told her "no" again and let her know that wouldn't change. She hasn't brought it up again. Great job. Stand firm, stand tall. WTF was your wife thinkin? Totally inappropriate IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
JustLooking123 Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 This relationship is seriously messed up. Whether or not she brings this up again. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 I swear to god you better keep an eye on her she may try to do it behind your back... it aint over!!! Link to post Share on other sites
relationship-advisor Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 Hi, Why does she bothers to meet him even for 5 min?All this proves that she is not over it.A little bit of weakness still is in her.Sort out this issue at the earliest or it will ruin your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gerhard Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 Hi, Why does she bothers to meet him even for 5 min?All this proves that she is not over it.A little bit of weakness still is in her.Sort out this issue at the earliest or it will ruin your life. If I step back and look at it objectively, I think she's doing this because she has this delusion that because I prefer to not throw away everything to do with my ex-wife, it means I'm still in love with my ex-wife and that I have been seeing my ex-wife. And I think this is her way to get back at me. I've told her over and over again to never mention my ex-wife and that I don't want to have anything to do with my ex-wife. But she continuously nags about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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