WHY do you think you are in a sexless marriage?

[Juniper22]

Just curious here. Lots of posts about being in a sexless marriage. So my question is, to those who are in one now or have been, do you know why you might be in one? Has your spouse come out and told you why?

Did MC, if you went, help you figure out why you were in one with with your spouse? I'm sure some have no clue and are left in the dark about WHY they are not getting their needs met sexually. BUT its possible some may really know why, and are telling the whole story, while others may not be telling the whole story. So, whats your story?

[carhill]

Perhaps off-topic, but I can say, specifically, that, although the penis and vagina got together, the emotional content of the contact left a gaping black hole of distance. Sex-less became 'better' IMO simply because it was more 'honest'. Unlike women who can 'fake' desire and interest, a man has to perform visually to those standards. I was very candid about my perception of the dynamic.

 

'Why' for me was simple. We lost emotional intimacy at the everyday level. My mistake was pursuing it. Never will I make that mistake again. I'm living that advice at this moment, making fundamental changes in how I process emotions and how they are prioritized.

 

Now you'll hear from the other 99% who are 'normal'

[GorillaTheater]

Now you'll hear from the other 99% who are 'normal'

 

No, it's just me.

 

I'm going to hazard a guess that you won't hear much in the way of reasons at all, at least from men. My perception is that most men who find themselves in this situation are in varying degrees of exhausting themselves trying to figure out the answer to this question.

[Juniper22]

Perhaps off-topic, but I can say, specifically, that, although the penis and vagina got together, the emotional content of the contact left a gaping black hole of distance. Sex-less became 'better' IMO simply because it was more 'honest'. Unlike women who can 'fake' desire and interest, a man has to perform visually to those standards. I was very candid about my perception of the dynamic.

 

'Why' for me was simple. We lost emotional intimacy at the everyday level. My mistake was pursuing it. Never will I make that mistake again. I'm living that advice at this moment, making fundamental changes in how I process emotions and how they are prioritized.

 

Now you'll hear from the other 99% who are 'normal'

 

 

Thanks carhill. I'm sorry you went through that.

[Juniper22]

No, it's just me.

 

I'm going to hazard a guess that you won't hear much in the way of reasons at all, at least from men. My perception is that most men who find themselves in this situation are in varying degrees of exhausting themselves trying to figure out the answer to this question.

 

 

Thanks GT. I'm sure you're correct. I just have to wonder how many people who DO know why and lets say they had a hand in why their marriage has become sexless, if they would admit to that? Would they be willing to come clean and say, "I was part of the problem. I can't much blame my wife for feeling the way she does." I don't see alot of that.

 

I see more of, "I'm in a sexless marriage and I don't know why" OR, "I'm in a sexless marriage and its my wifes fault." Of course its not really said like that, but it still kind of comes across as thats what they are trying to say Now I can see where this very well might be the case for some, but not all.

[Thaddeus]

I'm not married now, but lived in a sexless marriage for over two years before I finally had the stones to end it.

 

The closest I ever got for an explanation from her was that, "I just don't feel like it." Further discussion to try and get to the bottom of it ended in her accusing me of being selfish, like all I ever thought about was sex and all the rest.

 

So I did everything so-called 'marriage experts' told me to do. I did almost all the housework, ensured that her needs were taken care of (including all sorts of emotional support), whispered sweet nothings, bought her flowers, gave her little cards with romantic notes in them, spent tens of thousands of dollars on MC, etc. etc. etc.

 

In short, I did pretty much everything wrong.

 

What it did was raise the bar so high that I was getting completely burned out and got nothing - and I do mean nothing - in return. It was never enough. The power dynamic was completely one-sided.

 

When we finally agreed to split, I felt a tremendous sense of relief and I promised myself that I would never, ever put myself in such a power imbalance situation again.

[JamesM]

Simple answer is....my wife doesn't like sex.

 

BUT...that of course begs the question why does she not like sex?

 

And I am beginning to think that it is either because:

1. I am a lousy lover. (hey, it is a possibility...small though. Of course, practice makes perfect, and I am out of practice. )

 

2. Past issues of sexual abuse.

 

3. Current issues that are health related.

 

4. She has low hormone levels.

 

5. She has something in her past that makes her feel guilty.

 

6. She no longer loves me.

 

7. Unknown.

 

And as of now, I am with number 3 and/or number 7. She feels nausea often and has body pains that affect her throughout the day. Since I know it keeps her from doing regular things, I am sure it prevents her from enjoying sex.

 

Other than that, I have no clue. I do know that she has said she would rather not have sex anymore, and if it is important to me, then I should get it somewhere else. While I have not taken her up on that "offer," I have and am seriously considering it.

[Juniper22]

Simple answer is....my wife doesn't like sex.

 

BUT...that of course begs the question why does she not like sex?

 

And I am beginning to think that it is either because:

1. I am a lousy lover. (hey, it is a possibility...small though. Of course, practice makes perfect, and I am out of practice. )

 

2. Past issues of sexual abuse.

 

3. Current issues that are health related.

 

4. She has low hormone levels.

 

5. She has something in her past that makes her feel guilty.

 

6. She no longer loves me.

 

7. Unknown.

 

And as of now, I am with number 3 and/or number 7. She feels nausea often and has body pains that affect her throughout the day. Since I know it keeps her from doing regular things, I am sure it prevents her from enjoying sex.

 

Other than that, I have no clue. I do know that she has said she would rather not have sex anymore, and if it is important to me, then I should get it somewhere else. While I have not taken her up on that "offer," I have and am seriously considering it.

 

 

James has she always been like this, as far as not liking sex? If not when do you feel you noticed a change?

[giotto]

I lived in a sexless marriage for some years and I do know now the root of the problem. I hurt my wife emotionally, by not understanding what her problems were and therefore why she was rejecting me. By not understanding and getting angry, I therefore made the situation worse. Unfortunately, she wouldn't talk about it, so I was left in the dark, guessing, frustrated and isolated... I could not put things right because I did not know where I was going wrong. In hindsight (great thing), I should have left many years ago, but I couldn't, because I love my children... now, with the pity shags it's much better! You see, carhill, I can do it!

[Juniper22]

I lived in a sexless marriage for some years and I do know now the root of the problem. I hurt my wife emotionally, by not understanding what her problems were and therefore why she was rejecting me. By not understanding and getting angry, I therefore made the situation worse. Unfortunately, she wouldn't talk about it, so I was left in the dark, guessing, frustrated and isolated... I could not put things right because I did not know where I was going wrong. In hindsight (great thing), I should have left many years ago, but I couldn't, because I love my children... now, with the pity shags it's much better! You see, carhill, I can do it!

 

 

Good for you for at least reconizing you were part of the problem! Once you did, did you try to help become part of the solution? If so, was your wife just longer receptive to whatever you tried? Do you think maybe she stayed for some of the same reasons you did?

[carhill]

TBH, my wife could've, and I hope will, had/have a satisfying relationship with a man who is emotionally distant yet attentive. IOW, a man who cared (at a basic emotional level) little about who she was or what she did, but more about being with her and validating her. In return, he would have a willing sexual partner whenever needed.

 

The more I live, the more admiration I've come to have for how truly skillful women are at manipulating. I'm really good at seeing through the BS but I really have to give them credit, honestly. Sometimes I'm in awe. Men are just violent. How boring

 

I say that because it just occured to me how well, in the past and even now, I was/am validated but someone(s) who really didn't/don't care, rather just as a tool in their toolbox. That's awesome stuff. I'm envious of the psychological perspective it takes to be that way.

[Juniper22]

TBH, my wife could've, and I hope will, had/have a satisfying relationship with a man who is emotionally distant yet attentive. IOW, a man who cared (at a basic emotional level) little about who she was or what she did, but more about being with her and validating her. In return, he would have a willing sexual partner whenever needed.

 

The more I live, the more admiration I've come to have for how truly skillful women are at manipulating. I'm really good at seeing through the BS but I really have to give them credit, honestly. Sometimes I'm in awe. Men are just violent. How boring

 

I say that because it just occured to me how well, in the past and even now, I was/am validated but someone(s) who really didn't/don't care, rather just as a tool in their toolbox. That's awesome stuff. I'm envious of the psychological perspective it takes to be that way.

 

I'm really sorry carhill. I hope you know that not ALL women are manipulating, sure SOME are, just as SOME men are as well. I hope at some point you can move past your hurt.

[JamesM]

I was going to add to my list, but you beat me to it.

 

8. Something I am doing wrong. However, since she will not tell me, then I cannot change what I don't know.

 

James has she always been like this, as far as not liking sex? If not when do you feel you noticed a change?

 

She has never been extremely passionate about sex, but then compared to many guys here, I have not been either. Once a week would be more than enough for me now. Earlier on in our marriage, then perhaps two or three would have sufficed. Her moods regarding sex have always fluctuated depending on many factors, but her complete lack of interest first surfaced in 2004 to 2005. Or that is when I really noticed it. As I have stated here (and if you read the threads I have started, then you can get a great history of how our sex life has gone), I got serious about finding a solution in late 2005.

 

In April 2006, she had a sudden interest in sex for about four months. We had more than I could deal with. Then as suddenly as it was switched on (due to a talk I had with her...see a thread I started on that), it disappeared. It has not returned.

 

We have had a number of talks about it. The main comment is usually "It is me, not you." Since she does deal with many issues of pain, then this is possible. Unfortunately, if it is me, then the only way things can change are if she tells me.

 

In April of this year, she told me that she has no interest. I have heard this a couple of times. I also know that she is the type that can change in a heartbeat. I just need to find that button. So, just because she has no interest today...this does not mean that tomorrow she won't develop a fondness for it.

 

I do think it is me also. I am not saying that I am innocent. And our marriage isn't perfect...no marriage is. In her mind, she gets what she wants or needs, so while it could use improvement, it is the rest of her life that needs it the most.

 

As for me, I can say that I have given up. After four or more years of researching all possible angles based on what "experts" say and to be told that she has no interest...without any understanding of what that could do to me, I must say that I must look at other options.

 

Others will say..."Divorce her." Or "You are staying because it is safe." Or "Don't stay for the children."

 

I say, "No, I do love her very much. I want to spend my life with her. However, she has said what she has said. And yes, my children do deserve both parents. And their parents do not fight much at all. And yes, they need me very much. I provide some discipline and stability. So I am staying."

[giotto]

Good for you for at least reconizing you were part of the problem! Once you did, did you try to help become part of the solution? If so, was your wife just longer receptive to whatever you tried? Do you think maybe she stayed for some of the same reasons you did?

 

erm, yes, I was part of the problem in so far that I did not not understand what was going on in her head, but she would not discuss it. Then I would get upset, say something hurtful and she would not talk to me at all for days... I did try, but solutions are only achieved if both partners make an effort. She had - and still has - many issues stemming from her upbringing, which have caused some mental problems, which, again, she hid from me... I don't know why she stayed, but I think it was mainly beacuse of the children. Like me...

[Juniper22]

erm, yes, I was part of the problem in so far that I did not not understand what was going on in her head, but she would not discuss it. Then I would get upset, say something hurtful and she would not talk to me at all for days... I did try, but solutions are only achieved if both partners make an effort. She had - and still has - many issues stemming from her upbringing, which have caused some mental problems, which, again, she hid from me... I don't know why she stayed, but I think it was mainly beacuse of the children. Like me...

 

 

You're right, a solution would be helpful if two were involved in it. I'm sorry her issues caused you to have to suffer in one way or another. It seems she handled alot of things with you (and maybe her in life period) in a passive/aggressive manner. I hope things get better for you somehow.

[carhill]

Something just occurred to me, since my prior post sounded like a backhanded compliment. Here it is:

 

I think it's healthy that women have the skill to manipulate, just like I have the skill and strength to hurt and kill physically and use the threat of such to manipulate. We each make choices about how we use our skillset/life lessons/toolbox. I think the operative phrase is "not all women *choose* to manipulate", because I think all women are skilled and capable of it, whether they admit it or not. Think about the classic "pushing buttons" that both genders engage in. For the man, the silent stare; the clenched fist. Threats which play on a woman's emotions. Women can do and do the same things using their toolbox. Sexual manipulation is one tool. It takes advantage of the emotional content of the male sexual drive to manipulate him and cause him fear or pain. It happens, just like violence happens. I'm sorry that it does, on both sides. Life is too short and too valuable.

[Juniper22]

"Life is to short and valuable."

 

You are right. Like I said earlier, I hope you are able to heal from your hurt at some point.

[Sam Spade]

Perhaps off-topic, but I can say, specifically, that, although the penis and vagina got together, the emotional content of the contact left a gaping black hole of distance. Sex-less became 'better' IMO simply because it was more 'honest'. Unlike women who can 'fake' desire and interest, a man has to perform visually to those standards. I was very candid about my perception of the dynamic.

 

'Why' for me was simple. We lost emotional intimacy at the everyday level. My mistake was pursuing it. Never will I make that mistake again. I'm living that advice at this moment, making fundamental changes in how I process emotions and how they are prioritized.

 

Now you'll hear from the other 99% who are 'normal'

 

 

What defines emotional closeness/intimacy? (and what is so great about it in case if i'm missing the point?)

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I'm not married now, but lived in a sexless marriage for over two years before I finally had the stones to end it.

 

The closest I ever got for an explanation from her was that, "I just don't feel like it." Further discussion to try and get to the bottom of it ended in her accusing me of being selfish, like all I ever thought about was sex and all the rest.

 

So I did everything so-called 'marriage experts' told me to do. I did almost all the housework, ensured that her needs were taken care of (including all sorts of emotional support), whispered sweet nothings, bought her flowers, gave her little cards with romantic notes in them, spent tens of thousands of dollars on MC, etc. etc. etc.

 

In short, I did pretty much everything wrong.

 

What it did was raise the bar so high that I was getting completely burned out and got nothing - and I do mean nothing - in return. It was never enough. The power dynamic was completely one-sided.

 

When we finally agreed to split, I felt a tremendous sense of relief and I promised myself that I would never, ever put myself in such a power imbalance situation again.

 

Simple answer is....my wife doesn't like sex.

 

BUT...that of course begs the question why does she not like sex?

 

And I am beginning to think that it is either because:

1. I am a lousy lover. (hey, it is a possibility...small though. Of course, practice makes perfect, and I am out of practice. )

 

2. Past issues of sexual abuse.

 

3. Current issues that are health related.

 

4. She has low hormone levels.

 

5. She has something in her past that makes her feel guilty.

 

6. She no longer loves me.

 

7. Unknown.

 

And as of now, I am with number 3 and/or number 7. She feels nausea often and has body pains that affect her throughout the day. Since I know it keeps her from doing regular things, I am sure it prevents her from enjoying sex.

 

Other than that, I have no clue. I do know that she has said she would rather not have sex anymore, and if it is important to me, then I should get it somewhere else. While I have not taken her up on that "offer," I have and am seriously considering it.

 

Nowhere near sexless, but the above two seems almost bang on..... Spent little on counseling.... Did some on my own and there were no answers, as I just complained I imagine (4-5 sessions). Then years and years ago when we did joint, the Therapist said to my spouse simply to have more sex if that is important to him and it is enjoyable.... Now you don't tell my spouse anything and that obviously did not work. Now part of the the blame could be menopause (do I really know)?

 

Yep, I do all (at least in my mind that Thaddeus did). I also buy gifts, including big ticket items, that mean little in terms of how it affects sex (please again no prostitution comments). My wife when it comes to home and cleanliness expects a 9.5, and I am an 8, so obviously it is not good enough.

 

As for JamesM, 1,2,4,5,7 all can relate to me. My wife was the experienced one, me not at all, so #1 is always at the back of mind (even after 23 years). Yes she is not demonstrative about what she wants at all. We do talk about it, but never in detail. What I do know is she has no toys or interest in any other man, which is a good thing.

 

Again for what it matters, my wife reaches the finish line 95% of the time, and if not it is my fault.

 

Unfortunately this Topic will have no answers, only sad testimonials (if females buy them), from completely confused, lost males......

[Lovely10]

I don't know if I understand the manipulation angle on this. Don't you believe in your heart of hearts that it is equally as painfully lonely for both in the marriage? Even if it is one that says 'no more jello for me mom' there is still a death of the lust and passion for their mate... and the loneliness associated with that loss. Sure, in some of these cases the woman may, for whatever reason, develop almost a revulsion for sexual intimacy with their spouse. But I bet she wishes she felt the way she did when they first met. I bet she'd give her left arm for that again.

 

Men see it as manipulation but perhaps because they are coming from a point of view that is control oriented.... and have a hard time believing that it isn't manipulation because that's what they'd do... But honestly, I don't believe that women are wired that way. Every single one of the women who are so turned off to their spouses would... give almost anything to be where she was with her spouse when they first became lovers.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

And yes I am sure (know) I have hurt her in the past (no cheating on either part......) and we are not a perfect couple, but that too is a 2-way street, as she has hurt me too in other ways (little nicks, not stabs in the heart in either case).

 

The difference is I can look past them, we both love each other and have a content, happy life 90-95% of the time.... Just sex is nowhere near enough.

[angie2443]

Men see it as manipulation but perhaps because they are coming from a point of view that is control oriented.... and have a hard time believing that it isn't manipulation because that's what they'd do... But honestly, I don't believe that women are wired that way. Every single one of the women who are so turned off to their spouses would... give almost anything to be where she was with her spouse when they first became lovers.

 

I think you are on to something here. My husband is like this. He views disagreements as something to win and prefers to control an argument. This is a very male thing, from my observations. He has a hard time understanding I don't share this view, that I don't want to win and control in the same way that he does, but accepts my word on it.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I think you are on to something here. My husband is like this. He views disagreements as something to win and prefers to control an argument. This is a very male thing, from my observations. He has a hard time understanding I don't share this view, that I don't want to win and control in the same way that he does, but accepts my word on it.

 

You really don't want to win???? Again a female response. I am sure my spouse feels the same, where I consider she never gives me the benefit of the doubt or understand my side or POV..... A never ending debate.

[angie2443]

You really don't want to win???? Again a female response. I am sure my spouse feels the same, where I consider she never gives me the benefit of the doubt or understand my side or POV..... A never ending debate.

 

Please believe me, I don't want to win! For the most part, I want to compromise. I realize that in certain situations, one of the spouses is going to win, while the other looses. In these cases, I try to keep things balanced out. For example, I let my husband paint the kitchen the color he wants, and when it's time to paint the bedroom, it's my choice. Bad example, I know, but I think it gets the point across.

[tnhusband]

Male here - married 10 years. Years 3-8 were basically sexless.

 

I believe the key to my wifes sexual re-awakening was figuring out what turned her on - I'm not talking about strictly sexual things - I'm talking about me as a person. A lot of people will say it's not YOU it's the low-libido person with the problem. Try telling them that - they don't have a problem at all as they feel fine! It is you with the problem and it's you that needs to change. She is not going to change until she has a reason to. If you were to change something about YOU - and I mean REALLY change something - what harm can come of it?

 

Turned out I was just too nice. I wanted US to make all the decisions together as husband and wife. I'd ask her about my clothing choices, where should we eat, where should we go on vacation. etc. So I figured out I was "too nice" to my wife. It's hard to explain the changes I made - I still am an active father, we still do all the chores together - probably even more so. I've not turned into a dominating jerk.

 

I guess part of me believes that I grew up. I no longer think - if I do the dishes that will put her in a better mood and maybe she'll want sex. I think - if I do the dishes, the dishes will be done and that is what I want. I no longer ask her what I should wear, or what belt should I buy or where shall we go to dinner. I wear what I want (knowing what she likes me to wear). I tell her where we are going to eat (knowing what she likes to eat).

 

So despite her being very opinionated, strong willed etc - my being a "nice guy" was subconsciously turning her off. All the time I thought that being nice to her and letting her have a say in everything was a good thing. I really thought - how can I do anymore for her/be any nicer and not see the results in the bedroom? I had it so totally backwards. I am now much more assertive within our relationship. It's not like I tell her do things. It's more along the lines of I take the lead in making a lot of decisions. If she feels strongly against something I take a step back. It's still a democracy but I'm the man and she's the woman.

 

Maybe it's partly about her respecting me as a man. I wish I could explain it better.

 

When I started it was very difficult to be something I was not used to being - I was outside of my comfort zone. But in my head I made it be an experiment - that way if I hated it or it made things worse then I knew I could change back. Fortunately the new me and my much more aggressive and manly behavior worked and we are doing better than ever - in and out of the bedroom.

 

Being more manly and aggressive may not work on your wife - but something else might. Leaving her might wake her up. Getting a ripped body might do it. Dressing up as Darth Vader - who knows but that's the challenge - finding out what makes her hot. But ultimately you can't change her - you have to change as the current YOU is not having a positive affect on her libido.

 

Sorry to ramble but for years I tried dozens of things and none of them worked - but it was an interesting (but sometimes frustrating) journey. It was still much better than the status quo and when I finally hit on the things that got her going like when we first met it was all worth it. Now she's more adventurous and has a higher sex-drive than I do - be careful what you unleash!