Is my husband still attracted to me?

[kaitiekatt]

I have a problem that I've been throwing around in my mind for a while now. I hope someone can help. I'd love input from the men out there on my issue.

 

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years now. I just had our second kid about 9 months ago. I recently read a book that my husband got me and in this book it mentions that I shouldn't say no to sex... So, I stopped saying no. I've told him that I will have sex with him whenever he wants and I have not said no once... Here's the problem:

In the last 3 months we've had sex about 6 times. The first three times, I started it and all three times, it was difficult for him to finish... The next three times he started it and it went really fast and he showed no interest in helping me finish. He's done a couple of things too that have made me wonder if he finds me attractive or not... The first being he told me he wanted to get a tattoo of me on his back, "but with a pin-up body." The second thing is I was helping him look for something recently and I came across a magazine in a box of folders he brought home from his work. He claimed that someone must have put it in one of his drawers at work without him knowing, but I'm calling BS on that... He's so maticulous about his work space (his employer is even forming their next employee evaluations on it) that I find it very difficult to believe he didn't know it was in there...

So, my question is, am I right in thinking that he's not attracted to me anymore?

[Green]

As a man I would say your story doesn't prove anything. He probably is still attracted to you no matter what. On the other hand he might find other owmen attractive also. In my mind it is natural to find other women attractive. What wouldn't be natural is breaking up a good mariage. So talk to your husband and instead of acusing him of not being unatracted... just let him know you feel unatractive... and hopefuly he should want to make you happy and let you know your attractive

[carhill]

How often did you say no before (times per month, for example)?

 

When you changed your behavior to being more receptive, did you talk with your H about your sexual dynamic?

 

Do you find pornography (that *magazine*) distasteful? If so, have you talked with your H about that?

 

What do you want?

 

I have a feeling you're having similar issues to what my wife and I had with effective communication. We didn't catch it in time. Hopefully, you'll do better

[kaitiekatt]

I said no a lot. I talked to him about the magazine last night and decided that there's really no point in getting upset about it since he comes home to me and sleeps in bed with me every night.... And then today I found a woman's press-on fingernail in a load of his clothes that I washed... I don't wear press-on nails, nor do I ever get my nails done.

[Gamine]

I said no a lot. I talked to him about the magazine last night and decided that there's really no point in getting upset about it since he comes home to me and sleeps in bed with me every night.... And then today I found a woman's press-on fingernail in a load of his clothes that I washed... I don't wear press-on nails, nor do I ever get my nails done.

 

 

It seems that you may have bigger fish to fry than simply a question of attraction. Snoop.

[redtail]

etc...

 

And then today I found a woman's press-on fingernail in a load of his clothes that I washed... I don't wear press-on nails, nor do I ever get my nails done.

 

kaitiekatt, I know what you're thinking, he may be having an affair. That's a lot handle, I know, I've been there. I hope you're doing okay, it's time to take care of yourself.

 

First, this is not your fault, not because you "said no alot" because you were willing to fix that.

 

Second, you don't exactly have a smoking gun here, so before you show your hand and confront your husband, do as Gamine suggests, get proof if possible. Your husband has shown he can lie as evidenced by the magazine. Do you have suspicions? Follow your intuitions, check and see where it leads and be prepared to know the truth, either way.

 

Kaitiekatt, these are potentially troubled times, I understand what you're going through. Be strong, for you, for your kids and hopefully, to save your marriage. It's tough knowing the truth, but you should be as certain as you can, in case he denies everything. Counseling will be in order here, hopefully the two of you can go together.

 

My best to you, good luck!

[BadKittyNo]

" And then today I found a woman's press-on fingernail in a load of his clothes that I washed... I don't wear press-on nails, nor do I ever get my nails done. "

 

Could be a coincidence, could be something to worry about.

 

But if you decide to investigate, you might not find any evidence of an ongoing affair. He could just as easily be picking up hookers in his car for quickies on his lunch break, on his way to work, on his way home from work, etc... In which case, there would be little evidence to find, especially if he is just paying cash.

[Mino]

ok people, press on nails found in his Laundry.. H E L L O !!!! That one is pretty obvious, now go check to see if you can find any make up stains on his shirts. My opinion, He is up to No good...

[kaitiekatt]

kaitiekatt, I know what you're thinking, he may be having an affair. That's a lot handle, I know, I've been there. I hope you're doing okay, it's time to take care of yourself.

 

First, this is not your fault, not because you "said no alot" because you were willing to fix that.

 

Second, you don't exactly have a smoking gun here, so before you show your hand and confront your husband, do as Gamine suggests, get proof if possible. Your husband has shown he can lie as evidenced by the magazine. Do you have suspicions? Follow your intuitions, check and see where it leads and be prepared to know the truth, either way.

 

Kaitiekatt, these are potentially troubled times, I understand what you're going through. Be strong, for you, for your kids and hopefully, to save your marriage. It's tough knowing the truth, but you should be as certain as you can, in case he denies everything. Counseling will be in order here, hopefully the two of you can go together.

 

My best to you, good luck!

 

 

Well, I confronted him about it before reading what advice others had given me here, and of course he denied everything... But I noticed something in his denial... The way he was acting, following me around with it, studying it very thoroughly, and his eyes wide the entire time... It seemed like he was trying to hide something and having an adrenaline rush at the same time.

The worst part is, I wouldn't be able to investigate anything. Most of his emailing is done at his work, he doesn't get on myspace or facebook (that I know of), and he controls the money and bank accounts. We have only one vehicle. He is extremely controlling, telling me I can only go somewhere during the day when he's at work and when I have my kids with me... It takes WEEKS to convince him to let me go hang out with my sister when she gets off of work, and he often comes home from work later than he says....

He was trying so hard to come up with reasons for that nail... And when he denied everything he stood there waiting for an appology from me for jumping to conclusions... Then turned it around on me and said that his feelings were hurt. I had brought up the issues I mentioned here and he started telling me excuses that were completely different that the ones he gave me at the times we had sex...

I've been wondering for quite a while. But with no way to investigate, I'm basically hopeless.

[flavius]

So, in barely two days you go from "does he find me attractive" to being a caged animal with an adulterous husband. It's time to chill out, hon.

 

Let me be clear, I do NOT believe in adultery, it's wrong. I doubt that everything is okay at your house. But rather than assuming things you cannot know for sure, and plunging headfirst into despair and crisis, how about being constructive instead?

 

First of all, if my wife found a friggin painted nail in my laundry, there is NO way I can reply that would make me look anything other than guilty. Think about it. You said he comes home every night, right? Well then he is not somewhere else. You want to set your life on fire? Just make sure he comes home to a depressed, suspicious wife.

 

How about if you just backtrack to where you were talking about making a good marriage? So let me ask you...

 

ARE you attractive? How much rejection did this man eat in the last few years of "no"? How far has it gone when a man finally buys his wife a book about how to have a good marriage? And, more importantly, what will it take before he can believe that he didn't make a terrible mistake by marrying a woman who doesn't really love him after all.

 

Suppose half of men eventually cheat on their wife. Now suppose half of women wait around for a dumb book before they give a damn whether their husband is enduring the scorned rejection of being trapped in a sexless, loveless marriage?

 

Let's try loving one another, at least until you decide you want to divorece his ass.

[kaitiekatt]

You said he comes home every night, right? Well then he is not somewhere else. You want to set your life on fire? Just make sure he comes home to a depressed, suspicious wife.

 

How about if you just backtrack to where you were talking about making a good marriage? So let me ask you...

 

ARE you attractive? How much rejection did this man eat in the last few years of "no"? How far has it gone when a man finally buys his wife a book about how to have a good marriage? And, more importantly, what will it take before he can believe that he didn't make a terrible mistake by marrying a woman who doesn't really love him after all.

 

Thank you flavius. I believe I needed to hear this. My suspicions caused by the fingernail were unfound it turns out (thank goodness). His sister wears the exact kind I found. I appologized to him very sincerely for freaking out on him.

Now, I do feel that I am attractive... At least I did. While I understand the he would have felt rejection at my saying no, would he feel the need to pay me back by not having sex me? And if so, why didn't he say no to me every time I initiated the sex?

I do love him. I tell him every day, several times a day. I cook his supper I clean his house, I take care of his kids, and I do his laundry without complaint. Those actions alone should tell him I love him very much, but I still TELL him. The book was brought home because he thought it was something for both of us to read... Turns out it was directed solely at women. He didn't know that when he bought it (off of Amazon).

 

So, while I'm not so worried about him having and affair, I'm still worried about my original problem. Does he find me attractive?

Would any men out there insist on changing thier wife's or girlfriend's look? Like make her cut her hair shorter, tell her how to style it, and beg her to dye her hair a different color? These are recent requests by my husband and I wonder if it could be linked to my question.

[giotto]

is he really telling you how to cut, colour and style your hair? WOW! My wife has gone a light shade of black (from natural blondish) and, boy, do I hate it! But I would never tell her to change it...

 

you have some serious power struggle going on there... time for MC!

[flavius]

you have some serious power struggle going on there!

 

Of course there is a serious power struggle...this is marriage! Unless each is one giving their power over to the other (and sex is the ultimate metaphor for this), they are SCREWED.

 

I had a long consultation with the lovely and formidable Mrs Flavius about this comment, so I hope its worthwhile. She thinks she's been in your shoes before, and in fact she thinks she put herself in those shoes. Mind you, I COULD have written on your needs, and on why you're innocent and right--I could bring tears of self-pity to your eyes. But if you want to understand whether you're "attractive" to your husband, I'm going to explain what it feels like to be a husband. Sure, prettier is better when it comes to sex, but it is NOT the root of your problem. If it ever comes down to prettier, you're already hosed, because love is gone.

 

I am a man. Sex is more important to me than you think, and it's important in a different way than you think. In fact in a way, it is the only thing that matters to me. And not just "ejaculating on a regular schedule." My sex is the store of value for everything else in life. Money is about sex. Cars are about sex. Food is about sex. Success is about sex. Children (duh) are about sex. My image is about sex, because my sex is who I am. Without good wife-sex, all that stuff is worthless. When I have sex, my DNA, my identity, bursts into the cosmos, and I become reality. If that makes me absurd, sorry. Women think men are absurd, so what's new? We're all stuck with each other.

 

When I married you, I signed over full custody of my dick, and with it everything I will ever have or hope for or care about. I did it with full knowledge that you will get old and probably fat and finally ugly. I entrusted you with my happiness and with every hope of happiness forever, amen.

 

I don't need to have sex "X" number of times per week. What I need is to know every day is that I didn't sell my soul for nothing and give all my hope of happiness over to someone who really doesn't give a damn about me. Lady, I can hire someone to do my laundry, and you'd feed the kids regardless of whether you loved me or hated me, so what? There is only one thing that says "I love you" to a husband, and that's when you're happy and eager to stew your meat in my broth. I want you to want me, period, or else everything is nothing.

 

Consistently (even if not completely) rejecting a steamy sex life in your marriage is like like putting a note in his lunch box that says "You pathetic bastard. You sold your soul for nothing. You might have had a happy, meaningful life, but you married me instead. Now I can see to it that you live and die running in place. You have no hope apart from becoming a betrayer whom you yourself will despise. Then I can take your children away from you and everyone will feel sorry for me and blame you. Stupid bastard. Now...make me happy!"

 

If that's the bitter taste on my tongue, my wife being "attractive" is not a plus. In fact, it just makes the sting a little worse.

 

So no, he will not get over lots of sexual rejection in a month just because you stand still for some intercourse. If you got that note in your lunchbox, what would it take to heal? I know you never wrote that note, but does he know it?

 

Call your mom. Ditch the kids. Trim the pubes and paint the nails. Find a hotel with a hot tub, print out a page about it. Put it in an envelope with a note that says you want him to take you there. Tell him it's mandatory. Tell him that you want to find out just how much sex you can stand, and it has to be HIM. Beg him to do some nasty thing you've never said yes to before.

 

Have faith. Have sex. Have FUN.

 

The great news is that us men are pretty simple, and our busted balls heal very fast when you apply a little lipstick to them.If you get the sex thing right, and you'll own his stupid ass. When that's done, you must have a credit card or debit card of your own, and access to the freeakin bank accounts. THAT'S when it's time to hold out the puxxy, little girl.

 

No, I'm not joking.

[flavius]

Would any men out there insist on changing thier wife's or girlfriend's look? Like make her cut her hair shorter, tell her how to style it, and beg her to dye her hair a different color? These are recent requests by my husband and I wonder if it could be linked to my question.

 

I'm pretty sure it's linked, especially if he's never really been interested before. Here on LoveShack recently sharing that he has this uber-fantasy about shaving his lover's head bald in a romantic, passionate, tender, tearful encounter. Wow, so count yourself lucky!

 

Yeah, it sounds like he wants to "renew" the bride, not "reject" her.

 

You hadn't mentioned this, but I think it's only fair for me to say something. You may have gained weight given the recent marriage and babies. Husbands seldom admit it, but they frequently feel like they lost a wife when they gained the kids. It's complex; often the little mom shuts dad out of child-rearing, pretty much the way you are shut out of work and finances. So dad feels rejected, and the not-terribly-attractive extra 20 lbs is like a symbol of him losing his place in his old life.

 

Anyway, nobody needs 20 extra lbs, married or not. So if you've caught a few extra lbs, lose them and fall in love again with your sexy bod. Men LOVE it when women are in love with their bodies...call it a shared hobby!

[georgejungle]

i'm not really down with the "not letting you hang out with Sis" thing.

That's lame. I would never do that to my wife, in fact, i encourage her

to hang out or whenever she wants to do something with her sis or friends,

go do it!!, i'll watch baby...So that creeps me out about your husband. too

controlling, i could never be that way to my wife.

 

I'm sure he's still attracted to you...It may be the added stress of kids or

busy schedule or being tired and it being easier for him to just sorta, "Service

Himself" what with magazines and whatnot.